Title: Byte (2024)

Summary: After discovering a phone app that claims to turn users into werewolves, a group of friends grows concerned as bloody attacks plague their town.

Tagline: Bewere of the latest update. [Wing: Holy shit, that is the worst!] [bat: I’ll give them a point for the pun.]

Note: Yes, I’m aware that our general rule is nostalgic media must be at least 10 years old. However, WEREWOLF. PHONE. APP. The ridiculous factor wins here.

Initial Thoughts

Me to bat when we’re planning this year’s Snark at the Moon: Didn’t plan to do something so modern, but I’m obsessed with the werewolf app part. [bat: Oh boy do I contribute an absolute 180 degree turn next month with what I ended up picking. This is the year of absolute opposites.]

Pretty sure y’all have a good understanding of where my heart is right now. Let’s get werewolfed. 

Recap

Wolf howls, moon rises, dark music, Sara screams. This is a delightful opening. And thirty seconds in, we have on-screen werewolf, though on a flash of a part. Little bit early to be showing off the SFX. [bat: It doesn’t bode well for the werewolf being cool looking, either.]

Sara runs to a … farm? With a tractor and an eighteen wheeler in a large garage and a motorhome out front — wait, is this a repair shop for large vehicles? Honestly, I have no idea, and I don’t care because Sara just scrambled under the trailer of the big truck, and I have a story.

(And not a story that involves that unnecessary upskirt shot we got.) [bat: I’m betting the costumer bought all these clothes off Mercari, Poshmark, and from Plato’s Closet. Reminds me of how the entire cast of Lost Boys: The Tribe were kitted out in Old Navy fashions. I am not making that up. God I wish I was. I also wish I was making up that there was ever a sequel to The Lost Boys.]

I know I’ve shared at least part of this before because I talk pretty frequently about how I got into horror, but I don’t remember how many details I’ve shared specifically, and I’m on too tight a schedule to go reread all the recaps to check. [bat: Doesn’t matter, we like good stories about baby!Wing!]

My first horror movie was The Howling, which obviously impacted all sorts of things about me to this day. I was pretty young at the time, and we weren’t actually allowed to watch horror movies. (Rule stemmed from a combination of growing up in the Church Cult and my mom’s abject fear at even the sound of a horror movie.)

My dad was a truck driver, long-haul, and during the summer (and some other school breaks sometimes), we’d take turns joining him for a few weeks over the road. (I love road trips and prefer driving places over all other means of transportation to this day.) 

Truck drivers in the US are limited to how much time they can spend driving in every X timeframe. (I think it’s 24 hour timeframe, but they might have done it in 48 hours splits back then, I can’t remember and, again, I have very little time to write this; I’m traveling right up until the day of the full moon, and I need to get this scheduled for bat’s comments before I leave.) One of the ways to meet those guidelines are to stop somewhere and sleep for some hours. Often the best place to do that is a truck stop, which are basically a gas station on steroids. They have gas and convenience store snacks and such, but also showers and restaurants and, important to this story, truckers’ lounges.

One night while on the road, we spent some time at a truck stop so dad could catch up on his logbook (back in the day, this was a physical logbook of data, including hours driven and locations; it is pretty much all automated these days and therefore difficult to massage the numbers into compliance). As long as a lounge was pretty empty, we would hang out there; if there were too many other people, dad didn’t want to stay, just in case there was trouble. 

(Here I acknowledge that my perspective on the trucking industry and truck stops and trucker culture is colored by my experiences as a child kept safe and having fun. There are much darker, more dangerous sides to it, including human trafficking.)

Anyway, fairly empty lounge, dad and I hung out for awhile. I read one of the many books I brought with me, he worked on his logs and watched some television, relaxed.

And then, baby!Wing’s life changed forever, because there it was: claw scratch title card and then Dr Waggner telling us about the beast within. (I apparently told a shorter version of this story in the recap for The Howling, which is not a surprise. This time as more details, at least.)

I was hooked. I couldn’t look away. I never clocked that, you know, this was a horror movie, and I shouldn’t watch it, but even if I had, I wouldn’t have stopped. (Besides, dad was right there watching with me. He could have told me no at any time.) 

Full moon! Dramatic shots! That sex scene with wolves howling and Marsha tearing into Bill’s back! The werewolf as sexual predator and the werewolf as pathetic beast! So much impact on baby!Wing’s entire life after that moment.

I could not stop thinking about werewolves when it was done. Dad and I returned to the truck to sleep awhile, I kept imaging werewolves running along the tops of the trailers parked all around us, the full moon overhead, and I have dreamed of werewolves ever since.

So, Byte, girl climbs under an eighteen wheeler trailer as she runs away from a werewolf, no tangents around here.

Sara tucks herself between the trailer and the shelves of garage equipment along the wall.

The overhead garage door is dramatically opened by a white man dressed in sleeveless black and wearing a thick silver cross. Are you — are you the knock off Dominic Toretto? 

(Fast and the Furious meets werewolves, my beloved fic.) [bat: Fun fact: bat has never watched a single entry into The Fast and the Furious series. Anything I know about them is from Wing or pop culture osmosis.]

He starts shouting, his heartbeat gets real loud, and the werewolf comes up behind him. Good-bye knock off Dominic Toretto.

Lots of off-screen violence, blood splattering, body parts flying, squelching sounds, growling. Sara does not take this time to find a better hiding place, only lingers at the rear of the big truck.

Done eating (or playing with his food, unclear), the werewolf walks away. And, while I understand the SFX are trying to show the odd design of a canid paw versus a human foot, it looks like he’s ballerina stepping across the garage, which is fucking delightful. [bat: It made me laugh. Werewolfie is tip toeing through the tulips body parts.]

Just when Sara thinks she’s safe, a werewolf slits her throat — a werewolf who was standing right in front of her in the shadows? Oh boy. [bat: Um. The fact she does not drop to the floor and we never see her body… Sara gonna come back to haunt us?]

[bat: Also: cue title card. Not some of the worst graphic design I’ve seen in films but also not particularly original.]

Cute little house party with friends in costumes. Odds of me remembering names: low. Costumes it is! Raven(?) girl! Vampire boy! Black cat girl! (Who has amazing lipstick.) Magician boy!

They play a game, answering questions drawn from Magician’s hat.

First question: Have you ever slept with your best friend’s wife?

Update those girls and boys to women and men, I guess.

Magician slept with a friend’s ex, apparently. 

Vampire’s question: Have you ever thought about someone else while having sex with your partner? (Black Cat is his partner.) She’s sitting right next to him, and of course he says no.

(Black Cat is named Nora, but don’t bother remembering that.)

Her question: What’s your wildest fantasy?

Having a threesome with her best friend.

Who is Raven, apparently! (Though then Black Cat says she’s kidding.)

(That’s not going to work. That needs to be a crow costume, because Raven is already a name around these parts. Crow it is!) [bat: Corvid would have also worked.]

Anyway, Crow’s question: Have you ever kissed a girl?

(Is this a setup?) [bat: This dialogue is terrible. I was writing better dialogue in 9th grade. But again, I am expecting too much from a Tubi-produced direct to streaming content horror film, I guess.]

The guys are far too into this. She won’t answer outright; instead, implies she has but refuses to tell them with whom.

Crow shuts this down.

(Crow is April.)

Black Cat and Crow head outside together while the guys gossip about whether Black Cat is the girl she kissed.

Now Vampire, too, has gone outside, and the women are now … in … the … kitchen? Eating pizza. [bat: Is it DiGornio? Or is it delivery?]

(Odds have gone up that it was Black Cat she kissed based on their conversation.)

Everyone returns to the main room, and this separation was really fucking pointless, except that Magician pulls up Byte, an app that claims to give you werewolf powers. [bat: The graphic design on the “app store” page made me laugh. At least they weren’t texting in Excel!]

How, you may ask, as did Vampire? Download the app, order the werewolf’s blood. Then perform the ritual under the full moon in a graveyard. Specifically, at Ray Oakwood’s grave. Why? Because of latitudes and longitudes and the site’s correlation to the moon — so basically, a lot of words to say I don’t fucking know. Thanks, Magician.

Magician has already ordered the blood. Sure. Why not. [bat: I’m genuinely confused on why you would download an app to order something. I’m kind of hung up on that point. How is the charge listed on your credit card? WWBLUD? Also, $25 seems fucking cheap. Also, IS HE USING AN E-READER AS AN IPAD???]

And then, uh, the werewolf blood is delivered? Because Prime is on top of supernatural shit? [bat: Vampire just said what I would have said: “Well, that’s not suspicious.”]

(That is totally an Amazon Prime box being reused with the address blacked out, I swear it.) [bat: Sure as fuck looks like one, it would be easy enough to source. Probably got their costumes on Amazon.]

Crow knows she’s going to end up regretting this. You and me both, Crow, you and me both. [bat: And me, don’t forget me. Because I already have about thirty five questions that have yet to be answered. HOW DOES MAGIC WORK.]

Exposition during the drive to and through the graveyard. (In a minivan that is so uncool.) [bat: Aw, I was hoping for something cooler, maybe that van from Rock’N’Roll Nightmare. But no, we get the mini van that is very similar to the one a former coworker drove. Those were so futuristic-looking when released in the late 90s/early 00s.]

Crow wants to know the odds of a full moon happening on Halloween. Vampire says it happens every 19 years. Do I know if that’s true? NOPE. I’m rolling with it, though. Sounds great. [bat: Oh my god, the writer(s) Googled, because IT IS TRUE. We won’t have another full moon Halloween until 2039. Boo.]

(Crow might actually be a fallen angel, she has red crosses on her black leather dress, but I’m sticking with Crow.)

(Magician might not actually be a magician, without his hat his costume looks like it’s not a costume at all, but I’m sticking with that, too. It’s rare a movie gives me visual costume references so clearly.)

Lots of wandering through a surprisingly well-lit graveyard, unnecessary shaky cam, and the girls eventually find the rather large monument to Oakwood. [bat: As if any of these people would know what direction they’re walking without the aid of the iPhones in their hands.]

Ritual time!

Magician puts (at least some of) the blood into a little goblet he found at Einstein’s Attic, where Black Cat also picked up a vintage tarot deck. Is Einstein’s Attic a real place? Because this reeks of product placement. [bat: Yeah… it is… but I wouldn’t even begin to guess which version listed on Google they’re referring to. We’ll go with the thrift store version.]

Then he cuts his finger and as he does so, the app on his tablet, which is propped against the stone monument, changes screens! While … blood … drips … on … it? Not sure that’s actually intentional.

The blood dramatically disappears into the tablet.

Yes, they’re putting the blood into the goblet, so what was that with the app? Anyway.

Crow refuses to do it, they peer pressure her into it, and then Magician flat out cuts her and forces her blood into the goblet. Steal that knife and fucking stab him, Crow!

The app intones the ritual language: Sister Moon, we praise you on this Hallows’ Eve. We ask you, wolf spirit, for your power and wisdom. May we run through the shadows, unseen by the eyes of man.

Yeah, no culture appropriation vibes here.

And then Magician drinks the entire goblin of blood. Because he’s doing this on his own? And he needed all of their blood to do so? Okay then. [bat: So now we can guess that he didn’t randomly find the app, he’d ordered the blood days ahead, which explains the “speedy” delivery. Uh huh. Magician is an asshole. I can already tell.]

Crow spends some time throwing up. I spend some time ignoring that disgusting bit.

Magician offers the last couple drops to Vampire, who refuses and points out Crow’s blood is still on his hand. He licks it clean and they all leave.

(Magician is Jett?)

(And Vampire is Damon, which made me L O L.) [bat: Same.

Crow remains annoyed at Magician, AS SHE SHOULD.

Black Cat wants to know how long they have to wait until he starts barking at the moon. Pretty much a name drop right there! Snark at the Moon! my beloved. (And very meta.) [bat: LYCAN SUBSCRIBE.]

Magician is hot for Crow. I hope Crow stabs him a lot. With silver.

Black Cat decides to go home with Crow because Crow’s not in a good mood after, you know, being assaulted! Understandably!

Black cat alert at Magician’s house! Cute cat, better not die.

It’s unclear whether this is the same night or not, because the moon is rising again, but it was already higher in the sky before. Sort of think it’s meant to be the same night, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Wolves howl outside, Jett (okay, he gets to have his actual name because it’s faster to type and I like it) has a moment on the couch gasping and panting (and not after Crow, though it’s been clear he’s hot for her), and we jump over to … another girl. In all black. With really good lipstick. Walking around downtown. She’s real hot, and I love the folio work of her footsteps. [bat: I can’t make out the tattoo on the back of her neck but I bet that will come up later.]

Oh, she’s waiting for the train and the station is pretty empty.

(I’m now curious where this was filmed.) [bat: There is a surprising LACK of info about this film online even though it’s been out since April.]

We’ll call her Snake Earring Hottie, even though (a) I don’t know if those are actually snakes, and (b) I doubt she’ll live long.

(Station signs include To North Coast and Settlers Landing.) [bat: Annnnnd I know where we are. Based on the Key Bank tower and the sign that reads WAREHOUSE DISTRICT in the shot, we’re in CLEVELAND, OH. Yep, I kind of guessed from the graveyard; I was waiting for the Haserot Angel to appear but that would have been a little too identifiable. No, I have never been to Ohio and would like to keep it that way.]

Snake Earring Hottie walks on past the station when no trains appear to be coming. Meanwhile, a snarling werewolf dramatically drags a claw along glass art, which is ridiculous and also kind of fun. 

Close up shot of the SFX work on the paw and fur, and it’s — it’s kind of weird, but it’s not necessarily bad, just odd. The head was rough earlier, but werewolf heads are difficult no matter the SFX budget. Even with practical effects. [bat: I have seen worse. But I have also seen really terrible werewolf masks put to amazing use, so I know it can be done. THIS BEAUTIFUL MUSIC VIDEO IS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. I’m sorry if I’ve never sent this to Wing before. Or maybe I have?]

Okay, I really do like the sound of Snake Earring Hottie’s steps, but this is too much fucking walking and too little werewolf attacking. You don’t need to pad time to build tension. It’s gone on long enough that any tension that was built has now faded.

Snake Earring Hottie hears werewolf snarling and tries to talk to the person who must obviously be out there. Snake Earring Hottie, you fucking weirdo.

(Oh, closed captioning says she’s Katie. Good-bye Katie, we barely new you.)

Onscreen brutality this time! Throat sliced (and not bitten out, alas), werewolf howls at the moon, train clickety-clacks on by.

Time for Crow and Black Cat in the morning! Crow dreamt of wolves all night; she saw through the eyes of the lycan, and in the distance, she heard gunshots and knew she was going to die.

I appreciate Crow’s lycanthropic knowledge here.

She hopes it’s not some kind of premonition. Of you turning into a werewolf and being shot with silver bullets? I mean, do you actually believe in that app? Obviously, we as viewers know it’s real, but do you, in universe, believe it? 

Huh. Unexpected.

Black Cat takes Crow to breakfast, and I ship them. Obviously. Unsurprisingly, I’m sure.

Ugh, Jett crashes their breakfast. Do not want.

The women order pancakes, bacon, and coffee (each separately, not splitting one), and Jett orders the primal breakfast. What a fitting thing for him to find on the menu.

(Time to talk about something that probably should be brought up in every scene: The acting in this movie is not good. [bat: Wing is being polite. It’s fucking awful.] The dialogue delivery is almost always stilted, and no one has a powerful horror movie scream (at least not yet). Often, the actors look like they’re being recorded just a couple beats longer than they expected, and so they’re left trying to cover dead air. And yet, I truly am enjoying this ridiculousness. I like what we see of the friendship between Black Cat and Crow, I find Jett believably obnoxious, and it’s all kind of charming in its awkwardness.) [bat: I mean, it works? Like… I don’t set high standards for most direct-to-streaming content at this point.]

What, no Vampire?

The three of them chat about how it is Día de Muertos. Jett loves that it lets Halloween continue another day. That’s — that’s not at all what Día de Muertos is about, you complete and utter ass. [bat: Crow also notes it’s All Saints Day, so between that and the lycan knowledge, I will root for Crow.]

Their food shows up like thirty seconds later. The women get giant pancakes and Jett gets two plates full of food, mostly meat, to which he adds extra meat, but it’s not nearly the amount of food I expected from a primal meal. He then takes Crow’s extra pancake. That’s, uh, not really an extra pancake, it’s a part of her meal, but okay.

(The pacing is really off in this movie. Snake Earring Hottie walked around forever, as did that woman at the beginning, but ordering → getting food → being nearly done with food is real quick. Which, for Jett, makes sense, but it’s just oddly fast all around.)

(Background diners keep reacting to him and making the most ridiculous faces. I fucking love this stupidity.)

Crow wants to know where he found the Byte app, and what made him download it. A horror website, and he liked the idea of having werewolf powers. They’re vicious and aggressive and he loves that shit.

That bodes well.

Crow also thinks this and flat out asks him if he wants to go on a killing spree.

Yeah, maybe.

Even if you brush that off as a joke, Jett, no one really believes you’re joking. You’re a college-age white guy who assaulted one of your friends and seems like the kind of guy to complain about the friend zone, your violence is far too believable and expected, werewolf or not.

Ominous music leads us into Jett’s room, where his black cat shows her teeth at him, he sneers back, his lava lamp looks like it’s filled with blood, and we learn there have been 48 whole entire downloads of the Byte app, leaving it with a 4.2 star rating.

His brooding over it is interrupted by a call from some dude, Halas, trying to talk him into working that night even though Jett has class. Halas finally offers to pay him double if he comes in after class, and Jett is all over that.

(Cat is Franz!) [bat: Hi, Franz!]

Okay, this classroom has like 10 people in it. What, no budget for extras? [bat: After that weird lady overacting at the diner with her cup of coffee, it’s probably safer they don’t have many extras chewing the scenery.]

Anyway, the professor lectures about the Salem Witch Trials. Crow is also in this class.

(There is some fun glass art on the walls behind the professor.)

Bridget Bishop was the first witch to be executed. She was hanged, which was the most popular by hanging.

Jett argues that the Salem townsfolk had some deep-seated darkness nestled inside them. Seeing the suffering put them in a sick, euphoric state.

Professor points out that the consciousness then is different than what we have now, but Jett isn’t fully wrong about it.

More from the professor: Satanism is the fastest growing religion in the US. Research warns that the chances are now 1 in 10 that the guy next door could be a Satanist.

Research … fucking … warns?!

Fuck out of here with that religious persecution bullshit.

Class ends, it’s the weekend, this movie continues to be oddly paced.

(The extras who do exist are delightfully real, not polished background people, and I love it.) [bat: The movie has that going for it.]

Crow lingers after everyone else leaves to tell the professor how much she enjoyed class. (The whole thirty seconds we saw of it, I guess.)

They talk about professor’s interest in spirituality and the occult, commiserate that the university doesn’t offer any classes in it (I’d say I’m surprised there isn’t at least one, but then again, what with the educational political environment in the US, I suppose I’m not surprised at all), and I really don’t see the point of this scene, either. It’s not bad, and not even necessarily uninteresting, but why does it exist?

Oh, there’s the one thing that makes it all needed: Professor tells Crow there’s a lot of books about witchcraft in their library. She couldn’t have just found that herself? [bat: Also, the internet exists?]

Black Cat has all the hot, bloody gossip for Crow: Katie Monroe’s body was found in a dumpster, face torn up so much she was almost unrecognizable.

Crow calls her a smart girl; Crow was shocked that she became an escort. Maybe an obsessed client killed her, that’s Black Cat’s theory.

There is a lot of traveling in this movie. This entire conversation took place while Crow was driving, Snake Earring Hottie walked forever before she died, opening girl ran forever before she reached the garage – my point is, I think the creators are trying to use movement as a tool (to build tension, to give time for exposition), but it’s not working. We’re only just over thirty minutes into the movie, and there have been multiple dragged out scenes of traveling. One might have worked. Maybe. To have all of them, and especially the ones where it was to build tension (before the deaths), does not work, and I’m sad it doesn’t.

More white people whose names I won’t remember at a ball with a pool table. A bar where Jett works, I think, based on him bussing tables. White women flirt with white dudes, Jett creepily watches, I don’t care.

Meanwhile, Crow and Black Cat have a movie and Chipotle night (ah, so that’s the new Netflix and Chill). They’re watching some horror movie that vaguely looks like The Ring + Witch and make it cheesy B horror, which means I want to watch it immediately.

Crow asks Black Cat to approve a text to Jett before she sends it (inviting him over for leftover Chipotle after work). Oh god, is this one of those things where you have a crush on him and you’re having your friend help you feel better about contacting him? Damn it, Crow, you could do so much better.

Jett blows her off, and Crow refuses to admit that she’s crushing on him. Good! Don’t crush on him! Hook up with Black Cat instead.

Black Cat says the two of them together will be trouble, and I agree.

More white people at the bar. The same white people, I’m pretty sure, and they were maybe sitting outside or something? Because they just came back into the bar. They awkwardly chat about jobs and haircuts and I could not care less.

One of them needs to die A S A P.

Brunette white woman takes off and the rest of them awkwardly split up. Jett, again, creepily stares as blonde white woman leaves on her own.

Full moon shot! Take a drink.

(Maybe we should do a drinking game as part of our upcoming ten year anniversary. Which, if you have any suggestions, readers, let us know!) [bat: Well, we know how dangerous my inadvertent drinking games during recaps become, so suggestions would be very welcome!]

Jett locks himself in the bathroom to try to get ahold of himself again, and I don’t mean his cock. He’s shaky, splashes water on his, has dramatic mirror shots — the dude is a werewolf.

His boss checks on him, and Jett claims he’s fine, but his eyes glow red, his mouth is full of fangs (that look more like vampire fangs than werewolf), and he starts screaming.

White dudes leave together and can’t remember where they parked the car. More walking and talking about pointless things! Including them being so drunk they don’t recognize the fucking parking lot.

They see something lurking in the bushes, hear a growl, decide it’s a coyote, try to scare it off, and then talk about the time some dude’s dad got mauled by a coyote. 

They are like ten feet from the bar, but one of them has to piss and so goes off into the bushes to do so. Fucking straight white dudes.

ahahahahahaha, amazing werewolf scrambling across the ground shot. Pissing dude is ripped up, other dude doesn’t even try to flee before he’s attacked, and I cannot get over how awful the face and ears are on this werewolf. It looks much more like a bat than a werewolf.

I’ll give the movie this, it does not shy away from showing us the damn werewolf.

The next morning, Vampire rocks up to visit Black Cat and Crow with some bad news. (Black Cat is not a morning person. She’s grumpy and dragging and snappy. Of course, Crow’s not feeling too hot, either.)

Vampire brings the news that two white dudes were found dead this morning, their bodies mangled to shreds. One of them had his eyes ripped out of his head.

Cops blame a pack of wild dogs or coyotes, because of course they do. 

They’re all pretty skeptical, and Vampire’s done his research. Mostly, coyotes attack kids if they’re going to attack people at all, and Canada and the US report only two deaths by coyote a year.

He has a theory: It’s the same person who sent Jett the werewolf’s blood. 

Not that he’s saying they’re really a werewolf, but maybe they’re trying to make it look like a werewolf attack.

Or, Black Cat suggests, they’re trying to set up Jett.

Crow is skeptical of all of this, though she, too, agrees the wild animal thing is unlikely.

Vampire’s ace card: All the mayhem and murder started on the full moon.

Actual black cat and Jett have another staring contest. I still hope the cat lives. [bat: Team Franz!]

More ominous music as Jett stares at a nearly empty fridge and then calls for black cat — WELP THAT DIDN’T LAST LONG.

Somebody put a silver bullet in Jett’s head R I G H T N O W.

Crow comes to visit Jett. They awkward at each other about fold and whether or not she told him they had chicken bowls (HE’S A WEREWOLF HE CAN SMELL IT). 

Jett is obsessed with the Byte app. There are more than 100 downloads now. He thinks it will spread like crazy when it catches on. [bat: I wish we knew why he was so obsessed with how much an app has been downloaded and its rating.]

Crow disagrees. People will realize it’s a scam and stop.

More talk about Snake Earring Hottie’s death. Which is also being blamed on wild dogs or coyotes despite the fact that her body was found in a dumpster? Okay then.

Jett is also skeptical about that theory, as we all should be, but his reasoning is that wild dogs usually live down south. … down south of where? Honey, wild dogs — and more precisely, feral dogs — live everywhere.

Jett has his own theory: it’s a wolf and no animal warden will catch it. Wolves are far more intelligent than dogs and they’ll stay away from humans.

He knows this because he’s always thought of them as beautiful creatures.

Crow checks on actual black cat, Jett swears he hasn’t seen him in a few days but reassures her that he’s fine.

Crow goes into the kitchen to fetch herself some water and finds a bloody cat skull under the table. That’s really fucking subtle, Jett. How stupid are you?

(That all yellow-orangey wood cabinet set is killing me.)

Crow awkwardly teases Jett about all the water in his fridge. Prepper, much? He says ever since he drank the werewolf blood he’s been constantly thirsty and hungry.

I swear, they’re laying this on so thick that it makes Jett seem like a red herring.

Crow rushes straight over to tell Black Cat (who is hanging out with Vampire) that Jett killed his cat. Not only that, she thinks he ate it.

Not that she thinks he’s actually a werewolf, she thinks he wanted the app to work so much that he’s now acting like it did.

Vampire thinks it’s probably the werewolf blood itself. Bioengineered, maybe. [bat: What is this, TruBlood? Er, WereBlood?]

They need to find the source, but odds are slim they will ever be able to do so.

Or you could, you know, order some yourself and try to follow it that way.

I’m sure no one saw it coming that Crow heads to the campus library. Which has an entrance like the Sunnydale High School Library but looks much, much cooler inside.

Plus, Ohio! We have a location. (Fuck Ohio. #goblue) [bat: Oops, I was way early, again.]

Crow wanders the stacks, which are not nearly as visually creepy as they could be. (Some of my favorite creepy library moments: motion-activated lights that suddenly start to turn on when you thought you were alone in on that floor, echoing stairwells, those stacks on wheels that fit together until you open them to go down an aisle and the potential for it closing on you, dark nights where the windows next to you are more like mirrors due to the lights and you don’t know what’s outside — I fucking love libraries.)

They try for a bit of creepiness, at least. A book thuds but no one answers when she calls out, the music is, allegedly, dark, and that professor lady does a good jump scare.

Anyway, Crow finds a book and reads a bit about the Beast of Gévaudan, which is one of my favorite werewolf stories. A long, long time ago, I wrote a short story retelling of it. I should find it and see if it can be cleaned up and submitted somewhere, now that I think about it. 

(Crow’s book! Is a real book! The Encyclopedia of Vampires, Werewolves, and Other Monsters. I’m pretty sure Sister Canary has the copy of it. [I try not to buy duplicates of what she has, because we share across our personal libraries pretty freely.])

Jump scare professor talks to Crow about why she’s so interested in werewolves. Crow talks about the series of animal attacks and her curiosity. 

More talk about Snake Earring Hottie being a sex worker and whether someone from that life targeted her directly.

Professor has a different theory: Someone is possibly a werewolf. And for once, she actually admits that she believes in them. Finds them an anomaly with their ability to transfer from man to beast, which also makes them hard to catch.

Werewolf Hunter Professor when? [bat: Where’s Professor Brooks when you need her?]

Crow finally tells the professor about the Byte app and how weird Jett has been since he downloaded it.

GOD. MORE WALKING AND TALKING.

Professor brings up the name Rader, who was a professor about 20 years back who got himself into trouble while at the university. Professor refuses to tell Crow what that trouble was. Professor, you are a fucking fool. Just tell her! Why do writers still do this? Forced miscommunication does not make a story work!

Instead, she warns Crow that if Jett drank the werewolf blood, they could all be in a lot of danger. Sends Crow to find Rader, but doesn’t tell her how or anything fucking useful, just that Crow must “dig deep” and then the professor bounces.

Fucking hell, professor.

So, we’re supposed to think that Rader’s dead and buried, right?

Oh. My. God. Another driving conversation between Crow and Black Cat. Crow recaps everything I just said barring the buried deep theory. This scene? Pointless.

Back at the bar, very stereotypical Italian-American tv restaurant music, talk about debts and drinks.

…wait! Bartender called Professor to ask her out for drinks, but she’s not up for it. Long day, students opening Pandora’s Box, you know how it goes.

(I suppose I should start calling her by her actual name, which is Gray.)

Bartender does not believe her. Personally, I’m shocked that she’s still respected as a professor if she goes around talking about supernatural things.

Gray heads out for yet more driving. When she gets home, a car creepily pulls into the driveway behind her and she doesn’t seem to notice at first. I would be all up on that.

It is, of course, bartender, come to check on her because of all those deaths and wolves and coyotes running around.

I see the wild dogs have been upgraded to wolves! Exciting.

She reassures him she’s fine, sends him on his way, and goes to relax in a warm bath. 

Bartender promptly sees a werewolf run past the front of his car and starts shouting for Debbie, distracting her enough that they both become targets. Bartender goes down first, Gray goes to check on him rather than running, and then werewolf goes after her.

(Batwolf! It looks far more like a batwolf! Plus it looks ridiculous when it’s running on all fours. Sometimes it’s up on two legs, just stick with that.)

Good-bye, Gray, you only barely earned me using your name and now you’re gone. I’ll miss you!

Crow nearly hits the werewolf as she’s driving home. It stares at her but doesn’t attack, runs off instead.

(Alas, my secret hope that Crow is a werewolf has been dashed. I’ll have to hope for her becoming a werewolf hunter instead.)

Jett wakes up half naked in his living room looking none the worst for any escapades, minus maybe some weirdness with his socks.

(He’s wearing thin leather bands wrapped around his wrists. Is that style back in?! Because I am fucking delighted, if so.)

He still has no food, and now no cat, so he takes himself out for breakfast and, conveniently, those two white women from the bar the other night are there, too, know his name, and talk about how obnoxious he is. Blonde hooked up with him and he kept his eyes open the entire time, totally off putting and creepy. He’s just really immature.

Girl, you hooked up with a college boy ten years your junior, what did you expect?

(Also, is there exactly one bar and one restaurant in this entire town? And one fast casual restaurant, Chipotle.)

Jett, of course, can hear them, and creepily goes to loom over them.

OOOOOH, apparently Jett was best friends with blonde’s ex-husband, back when he was her husband. So when did this hookup take place, exactly, blondie?

Why so creepy, Jett? And no, don’t blame the werewolf thing, you were creepy way back at the beginning of the movie. You are really coming across as one of those “I’ll kill you for rejecting me” dudes.

One of the classrooms on campus is closed. Crow is the only one who asks why, and security guard tells her that Gray was brutally attacked. He chases her through the building trying to determine why she immediately assumed it was Gray.

Vampire and Black Cat are still doing their researching and snacking and such back at the house. Vampire is doing some sort of coding work. Also, the Byte app is up to more than 1000 downloads. The creator remains hidden.

…what with all the coding stuff on your screen, the implication is that you are the creator, Vampire. Just saying. [bat: Isn’t his name Damon? Just sayin’.]

(I love how the lighting goes all purple and shiny and darkish around his tech corner. Very stereotypical tech geek in a teen movie.)

Crow is paranoid that she’s being followed because she got into it with a security guard. Before she can bring them up to speed, though, Vampire finds a (really poorly designed) obituary for Gray.

Black Cat asks Crow if she killed Gray, and I fully laughed out loud. I love their fucking friendship. Complete bags of dicks and yet also supportive. Here for it.

Vampire sort of looks like he’s still wearing fangs.

Oh shit, Byte just passed 5,000 downloads. Like 4,000 in five minutes?!

Oh. My. God. White Women from the Bar are drinking wine in one of their backyards. It’s vintage. From 1985.

Pardon me while I shrivel into dust.

(There must be at least one good wine from that vintage, right? Surely.)

They are drinking wine out of plastic tumblers, and I fucking love this for them.

They talk about guys and flirting and crushes and wine. They have plenty of time, the guy will call.

Unless you’re dead first.

Success! Vampire found Rader up in Cleveland. (At 1900 Train Avenue, because that sort of detail is 100% worth the time it takes to add it. 100%. Also: More trains!)

Not to be outdone, Crow has more of his background: His son had a rare form of cancer, and he retired shortly after his son’s death.

Good god, Gray, you could have given at the very least that bit of information.

Crow feels like a dumpster fire of a person for thinking Jett is connected to all the killings, but she won’t let it go, and Black Cat finally agrees with her.

Stay strong, women! You’ve got this.

Crow keeps wondering what they should do next if they don’t call the cops.

GO TALK TO RADER OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Crow takes Vampire’s keys, because she’s driving. But … you have your own car. That we’ve seen you drive frequently in this damn movie. Why the change now?

Back to the White Women from the Bar, who are now drunk dancing around the living room, and there’s a super cute black dog. I already don’t like where this is going. (For the dog, obviously.)

My new favorite lyric for this movie: Bitch, I’m moody.

I love what happens when music licensing costs force the creators to, uh, be creative.

Sasha (the adorable dog) starts barking at the door, and we see the werewolf lurking outside in the bushes.

White Women from the Bar decide to make a wish because it’s the last night of the full moon.

Is that — is that a thing? Since when? And if so, why did no one tell me?! [bat: I have never heard of this.]

Full moon shot. The moon is always very orange in this movie, which makes me think of the Hunter’s Moon, which is both one of my favorite moons and, of course, fitting, since this Snark at the Moon! recap will go live on the day of the Hunter’s Moon.

Back over to Team Crow, who are, I’m sure you’re shocked to learn, driving and talking.

TOO MUCH GODDAMN TRAVELING FOR TALKING TIME WE DON’T NEED TO SEE THE ACTUAL TRAVEL PART.

Anyway, Jett texts Vampire to tell him that bloodshed is coming.

Basically an admittance of guilt, the girls decide.

White Women from the Bar decide to take their drunk selves out for a Girls’ Night Out, because it’s been way too long. Weren’t you just out the other night when I gifted you the name White Women from the Bar? Also, you’re drunk, tell me you’re not driving.

Much better to walk and become werewolf victims, obviously.

Oh, good, they’re waiting on their Uber. Blonde forgot her ID and runs back inside to get it. And apparently leaves her door unlocked? What kind of city is this? [bat: …Cleveland?]

Dog howling in the background, weird rattling from around the conveniently parked trailer. Of course Brunette goes looking, because why wouldn’t she. And, of course, the werewolf attacks her from inside the trailer.

Blonde comes out to find yes Uber, no Brunette. She calls for her friend like she’s a dog, until werewolf throws Brunette’s head to the ground near her and attacks her on the hood of the Uber.

Whose driver is apparently livestreaming the werewolf attack, oh my god, I love this.

And, of course, Vampire is watching said livestream.

Good god, could the werewolf’s ears be any more batlike?

Instead of, you know, driving off in a panic, the Uber driver just stares at the werewolf while it finishes killing the White Women from the Bar and then turns toward him. Die, Uber, die!

Vampire is determined to get to Rader before the werewolf does.

…why do you think the werewolf is going for Rader? Even if it is Jett, have any of you told him a damn thing about this side of the plot? For all the unnecessary details you included in this, creators, you missed a step here.

(I cannot get over these people driving around in a minivan having werewolf adventures.) [bat: Let alone that particular make of minivan, which they clearly found on Craigslist and bought for maybe $250 for this film. I’m shocked it still runs, TBH.]

UMMM

They don’t even bother knocking on Rader’s door, just go inside, their flashlight already in use. The fuck is happening right now? Did a few pages get cut from the script? [bat: Couldn’t cut all the walking, but this, yes? Ugh.]

Upstairs is boarded up, which isn’t suspicious at all. They wander the ground floor, because that’s just what we need, more walking around. AT least this time it sort of is building the tension. Somewhat. It’d work better if we hadn’t had so much walking before.

Suddenly, Crow hears something, just as Vampire is about to go downstairs. She takes the flashlight and leads them to another door leading to part of the upstairs (up a handful of stairs, at least, and then up more on the other side of the door.

Oh come on, if the upstairs is boarded up, why wouldn’t all entry points be covered?

They continue to wander around this house of a retired professor they were allegedly going to talk to, not save from a werewolf and/or search his house like it’s abandoned or something.

Tech room! This one done in shades of red lighting. Really old laptop marks more than 11,000 downloads, and the fancier monitor has a lot of tech stuff tracking body details, heart rhythm, lung volume, etc., with a UI that reminds me a lot of Iron Man.

(This lighting makes it look like a dark room.)

Rader comes in behind them, and I’d say he’s acting weird, but they did, you know, break into his fucking house, so.

Crow tells him all about Jett and the app and the murdering. 

Rader says he could stop him, but why would he? 

It’s unfortunate about Gray, and even worse, the Uber incident shows that Jett the Werewolf is getting sloppy, which could ruin the master plan.

Which, of course, Team Crow are there to stop, even though they had zero idea one existed until this moment. I love you enthusiastic nerds.

Oh damn, Vampire has a gun.

He gets Rader to monologue about the professor who taught science at the university, the cancer son, and the unapproved treatment the man came up with. It cured the boy but turned him into a werewolf. 

The locals then promptly hunted him down and killed him.

Werewolf’s mother hangs herself, and Rader is left all alone.

A cure for cancer that makes you bark at the moon for three days isn’t such a bad deal, he argues. And he’s not wrong. Though the whole killing part is a little more serious than barking (or snarking) at the moon.

But still. Werewolf! And apparently, a werewolf that can think, at least somewhat, because there have been some real targeted attacks.

Rader reminds them they can’t kill him because he has all the information they need locked up in his head.

Crow begs him to fix Jett, but he will not. All he wants to do is give the world a choice on whether they will live or not.

If everyone becomes a werewolf, does the killing stop? What is driving the killing, anyway? The werewolf isn’t eating the bodies, just leaving them torn to shreds. (To shreds, you say?) Why the drive to kill humans? Even eating the cat was about being hungry.

Surprise werewolf attacks Vampire. Vampire manages to shoot him (making him whine like a dog), and the three of them run into a different room. Vampire’s pretty torn up and unsure how contagious he is. They all know he’ll turn into a werewolf if Rader doesn’t help them.

Also, Black Cat grabbed something from by the computer, but I’m not sure what.

They take off after Rader again, though Crow, the one without the gun, leads the way. 

Hallway standoff with Rader, Crow begging for help, this time for Vampire, and surprise werewolf again!

And a second surprise gun, this time from Rader.

Who slooooooooooowly walks them back down the hall and locks them into a room. Which is apparently the only room with a door that locks, including the front door.

Crow panics, Black Cat sort of tries to help her calm down, there should be some kissing in here and, oh, Black Cat grabbed wolfsbane! 

So. Question. Why the fuck does Rader have wolfsbane if it’s meant to hurt werewolves? I mean, maybe the legend isn’t true in this universe, but Black Cat certainly seems to think it will work. If it does, why does he have it?

Sooooo, somehow, Vampire was correct and Jett does come to see Rader. Okay, again, question! Where the fuck are all these details: Jett not only knowing about Rader but knowing him and having at least some sort of casual connection? Rocking up at his house as if he’s comfortable there?

Oh shit, wait. WAIT. The werewolf attacking them was Jett? I honestly thought Jett was still out wreaking havoc around town and this was some other werewolf that Rader created from those 11,000 plus downloads.

And if it was Jett, how is he now so in control of the shifting part?

All of that driving and walking and talking and wasted time but you left some pertinent details offscreen? What the hell, movie.

Jett asks a good question, which is where the fuck Rader got the werewolf blood in the first place. From his son’s first victim, of course.

Jett creepily paces, Rader does some sort of computer thing, and they head out to fetch Black Cat, leaving Crow all alone.

Vampire is going through his first change, and Rader throws Black Cat in with him. He throws a silver knife toward her and tells her she has to kill him because he doesn’t want to hurt her. She doesn’t want to hurt him, either, but eventually goes to stab him with a knife that very much does not look like silver.

He shifts (and is also batwolf), she stabs him in the back, and Rader and Jett continue to be creepy in the red room.

And then Rader immediately leaves again. Why that scene?

Vampire!Werewolf is not dead! He attacks Rader, Black Cat runs to release Crow, and in the background, a gunshot.

Werewolf jump scare! Crow throws wolfsbane in his face, making him whine like a dog, Black Cat stabs the fuck out of his back with the silver knife, and they cry over the “dead” body, which has turned back into Jett. [bat: And I’m not sad. You ate Franz, you asshole.]

Before they can leave, Crow finds a woman bound to a table. The source of the werewolf blood! Because Rader is, as Crow says, making a werewolf apocalypse.

Oh my god, Rader comes in with the slow clap, because why the fuck not.

He threatens to bring them both into the werewolf family and then leaves them alone while Crow tries to free the woman. She wakes up and Crow and Black Cat try to flee, only to find Rader at the front door, fanged out and growling.

And again, the teeth look more like vampire teeth than werewolf, but whatever.

Hark! Yet another surprise werewolf! Werewolf Woman drags Rader back into the room and Crow and Black Cat go wandering the house. Again. For some reason. Even though they were just trying to escape.

Oh, the keys! They went looking for Vampire’s keys and managed to find them.

This time, Crow stabs the shit out of the back of a werewolf, saving Black Cat.

They finally flee the house and get into the van without checking the back at all before they do. Come fuck on, girls.

Alas, we do not get yet another surprise werewolf, this one shades of The Howling, and they make it home just fine. Or, well, as fine as they can be after all the werewolf jump scares and murder.

Crow, at least, manages to sleep, because we’re with her when she wakes up in the morning.

One mirror jump scare avoided in the bedroom, but a second mirror jump scare completed in the bathroom. In that she thinks she sees a werewolf, but it’s gone when she checks.

Where’s Black Cat?

Apparently somewhere else and calling Crow wanting her to wake up and check the news.

There’s a surge of seemingly random attacks that people are attributing to the mythical werewolf create. The attacks are spreading across the country.

They killed the man, but didn’t stop the machine. 

It’s not over Black Cat says.

It’s just begun, Crow finishes.

God bless America, the newscaster ends the movie, we’re under attack. [bat: Oh… just wait until my recap… this is creepy.]

Final Thoughts

Sincerely, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. It’s poorly written, acted, and paced, the SFX were kind of ridiculous, scenes dragged on and on and on but then important information was left offscreen and unexplained, no one had a good horror movie scream, the werewolves looked more like batwolves, and the line reading was often terribly stilted.

And yet, I had such a good time with this. Absolutely delightful B creature feature.

Can’t wait for bat’s commentary, which makes even the worst movie better. [bat: <3]

[bat: I would not have sought this out on my own. I don’t watch a lot of horror, and if I do, it’s usually stuff from the 80s/90s I missed out on originally and want to see. I’ve watched a few newer horror films (there was that vampire one on Netflix(?) a couple of years ago that I actually enjoyed) but again, would not have watched this if Wing hadn’t picked it for recapping.

It was… not good. I’ve seen amateurs do better and this seems to have had some sort of budget. All the actors have done other projects but again, nothing mainstream enough for me to recognize a single one of them. The pacing was odd, the lack of info and weird editing didn’t help, and I dunno… maybe my bar is high? Still, I totally get why Wing enjoyed it, because it tries hard in places but can’t manage pulling it off. Batwolves. I mean, why not.

There’s a germ of a good idea in this. Yeah, it’s a little too “now” – the whole app part – that it couldn’t be set in any other time period, unless you dropped the app part. Not executed well and it wanders all over the fucking place with ideas and concepts that don’t pan out or don’t add to the story/characters. Again, germ of a good idea, just not nurtured into anything good.

Of course, with my recap completed for the Beaver Moon, I really shouldn’t be talking about how bad this film is. Mine is literally no better. For reasons that will become clear in a few weeks’ time… Was that enticing or ominous?]