Title: Friday the 13^th Part 2 (I guess we’re not into Roman numerals yet?) [Wing: Well, the cover image I have is into Roman numerals, but there are a bunch out there without it.]

Summary: Get ready for twice the terror with Friday the 13^th Part 2: Deluxe Edition! Fives years after the massacre at Camp Crystal Lake, the nerve-wracking legend of Jason Voorhees and his diabolical mother lives on. Despite ominous warnings from the locals to stay away from “Camp Blood”, a group of counselors at a nearby summer camp decide to explore the area where seven people were brutally slaughtered. All too soon, they encounter horrors of their own and the killing begins again. You’ll be at the edge of your seat for this gruesome thriller about 24 hours of bone-chilling fear!

Tagline: 2x The Fear… 2x The Carnage… 2x The Terror! [Wing: By god, the tagline on the cover version I have is so freaking much better, and it is boring as hell: The body count continues…] [Virgin: Clearly, the creativity died with the first installment, Wing.]

Note: I don’t honestly know what’s actually “deluxe” about this version, but thank Odin it’s not the damn uncut version! Finally, a break!

Initial Thoughts

Oh, I got a whole bunch!

Firstly: this is supposed to take place five years after the first Friday the 13^th but in fact was released in reality April 30^th, 1981. Yeah, this happened a lot with movies, jumping forward in time as opposed to staying current with the period of release, but still. That’s frustrating.

Also, way to release it on Walpurgisnacht! (Google it, kids.)

Secondly, this film is as old as I am. Wild.

Thirdly: is there a state comprised of nothing but summer camps, each spaced five miles down the road from one another? Is it somewhere in Maine? Are they secretly run by Stephen King? Because, damn. I know, and maybe this isn’t true but it seems to be, that summer camps are/were a big thing in the Northeast, because you’re all crammed in like sardines in the concrete jungle back there. (Greetings from the open spaces of the wild, wild West!) I know we have camps here; in another life I was a participant in Camp Fire and took a couple trips to Camp Namanu, which had a pond full of salamanders but it wasn’t a proper *lake*. (The salamanders succeeded in making us scream, holding onto our oars as we rowed the tiny canoe around. We were suburban-dwellers not good with nature, okay.) I think the scariest thing that ever happened on any of those trips was when the rope snapped while we were climbing a trail up the side of a mountain and then that morning when we weren’t allowed outside the cabin because the caretaker’s dog had died outside the front door and the adults didn’t want us to see the corpse.

Really, putting a dozen pre-teen girls in a giant cabin is a far scarier situation then being stalked by a deranged killer. I’m not sure how I survived. Oh, wait, I am Virgin! I always survive camp!

Now that I have completely finished digressing! In reality, I am picking this recap up not long after viewing Friday the 13^th, but you readers won’t be reading this until, uh, September? So just pretend that there’s not a giant gap (ha ha! I’ve time-jumped, like the film has! See what I did there?) and let’s see if I can play “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” with any of the cast members.

Still can’t believe he was in the first film. Seriously.

Important note! Remember, I am rolling over the body count from the first film, so that will be reflected in the counter and final tally.

Recap

A dark street of Victorian-style houses, wet with rain. A pair of tennis shoes, half walking along a curb and splashing in puddles, while a child’s voice sings ‘Itsy Bitsie Spider’.

Oh, no, not nursery rhymes!

The child splashes down into a puddle, while the voice of a mother orders them directly into the house. The child complains but complies, and is followed by a pair of black shoes, obviously worn by an adult.

Shoes. Shoes are not scary.

We approach a two-story home, white paint greatly weathered, the porch light on, lights on in the upstairs window. Again, there are a lot of shots framed from the POV of an unknown male in this. I guess this is going to be a reoccurring theme. [Wing: FUCK, THE DREADED BAD GUY POV. I HATE IT SO.]

Black shoes approaches closer, looking up at the light in the upstairs window. We switch to a blonde woman lying on top of a lacy coverlet, whimpering and crying ‘no!’, having a nightmare… or a flashback! (They really like flashbacks in this franchise, don’t they.)

Oh! Hello, Alice! You’re still alive!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+1)

Alice proceeds along in her traumatic memory, remembering how she met kind old Mrs Voorhees, Alice warning her not to go look at the bodies of the dead counselors, how Mrs. Voorhees wasn’t afraid. (Yeah, I wonder why.)

The flashback continues along, Mrs. Voorhees telling the story of her son’s death by drowning because the counselors were too busy having sex to notice. (If only the counselors had been virgins!)

Also, way to just recycle a big chunk of footage from the first film. Geez. [Wing: I was going to say, as if anyone would pick up this series starting with the second movie, but actually, in the time before easy access to movies at home, maybe they would. Still doesn’t make this a well-handled setup or anything.]

Oh lord, please stop showing Jason popping up out of the lake! I don’t need to keep seeing that!

Poor Alice. She’s seeing the bodies of the other counselors now. I guess psychotherapy and medication did not help her at all.

I’m five minutes into this and the only new footage has been that damn kid’s tennis shoes in the puddles, Mister Black Shoes walking, and Alice thrashing on the bed having a nightmare. The rest is all footage from the first film!

Like, people seriously forgot what happened in the first film, which had been released less than a year prior to the sequel??

Oh crap, the canoe scene. Damn it! Do. Not. Want!

Still trapped in her horrific flashback, Alice asks the cop about Jason. She comes awake with a start, as her own voice echoes “then he’s still there”.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 2 (+1)

Uh huh.

Alice goes into the bathroom to splash water on her face. The telephone rings, so she goes to answer it, her mother is on the line. Mommy is checking in on the much-traumatized sole survivor of the Camp Crystal Lake massacre.

Our heroine protests that she’s fine, just needs time alone. She wants to put her life back together. Avoiding the same old fight with her mother, Alice says she’ll call back tomorrow and hangs up, then proceeds to wander through this giant house that she some how affords? On what salary?

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 3 (+1)

Oh, look! Drawings! Of dead people! I think I mentioned Alice’s artistic skills in the previous recap. She’s using them as therapy! Way to use your talents as a coping mechanism, Alice!

Frustrated, Alice goes into her bedroom and undresses. Okay, never undress in horror movies. Oh, even worse, she goes into the shower. Does the film Psycho not exist in the Halloween franchise universe?

AHHH! Okay, pulling back the shower curtain suddenly, just as the phone rings, Alice manages to scare me. Damn it. I hate shower curtains!

Alice answers the phone, assuming it’s her mother calling back to continue the conversation. Nope. The line goes dead, into a dial tone. Oh noes!

Warily, Alice locks the front door and peeks through the curtain, before walking through the house slowly. She gets to her bedroom and there’s a crash! The window in the dining room is open, the curtains wafting lazily in the breeze.

REMEMBER ALL THE CURTAINS ALICE CLOSED IN THE FIRST FILM?

Grabbing an ice pick off the counter (I bet it’s a cat who made the noise, it’s a cat, isn’t it?) Alice proceeds towards the open window.

AND A CAT JUMPS THROUGH.

I WIN.

Cat sits on the table and meows, because cats are jerks and do this kind of shit all the time. Alice offers it dinner and I’m sure this is a red herring to distract the viewer, because when she goes to open the refrigerator…

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 4 (+1)

…oh look! It’s Mrs. Voorhees’ disfigured and slashed up head wedged in between the milk cartons and the crisper drawer! I mean, where else do you keep severed heads? I guess the freezer is more ideal for preservation but still…

Wow, I really digressed there.

Back to Alice, who is screaming her head off. Who can blame her?

But, sadly, the distraction of Mrs. Voorhees’ head worked, because someone comes up behind Alice, grabs her, and jams the ice pick into the side of her face near her right eye.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 10.5 (+1)

Well, sorry to see you go, Alice. You tried to survive but it just didn’t work out. You should have kept those curtains shut.

THE CAT IS ABSOLUTELY USELESS, SITTING THERE, MEOWING.

The kettle on the stove whistles but the mostly unseen killer (it’s a dude) thoughtfully removes it from the burner. The screen glows white before fading to black, as the title graphic zooms into place. Before exploding? And revealing it’s PART 2. What the hell, man?

So that was a cold opening? Geez. Credits roll, white text on black, while slasher music plays. Damn it, here we go again. Will Virgin survive this or be inextricably bored? Oh god, stop with the string music, please!

White screen!

Now an oversized black truck comes into view, a couple inside, driving along until they notice an Exxon gas station. (Do those still exist? Maybe we just don’t have one locally anymore.) [Wing: They do! There’s one not too far from me, even.] [Virgin: Well, now! Wonders never cease!] For some reason there is a tow truck in the shot. Lost couple stop and park in front of a store, running across the completely not busy what-so-ever street to the phone booth. (Oh, look, a phone booth!)

And who notices this? Why it’s our old pal Ralph! Hey, Ralph! Still got your bicycle, I see!

So, young clueless couple are using the payphone when the not-so-subtly placed tow truck backs up and immediately starts hooking the truck. Y’know, I’m assuming tow truck guy is in desperate need of business. Or he’s just an asshole. Either or.

Meanwhile, blond dude and Sandra query Ted about whether he is coming to pick them up or not. (My guess is yes, since they’re shortly about to be vehicle-less.) Ted helpfully gives them directions, which Sandra produces a tiny golf pencil from her leather pouch so blond dude can scribble them down. I guess they’re supposed to look for a Dairy Queen.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 5 (+1)

Ralph wanders up to give an ominous warning about the previous pack of camp counselors (RIP Kevin Bacon’s character and all those other people) and how they didn’t believe him. He then proceeds to tell them “you’re all DOOMED.” Thanks, Ralph, you little ray of sunshine, you.

Blond and Sandra say nothing, completely stunned silent by Ralph’s helpful forewarning. Ralph rides away on his bike, the directions are resumed, and the tow truck driver absconds with their truck.

Sandra is the first to realize, running after it, followed by the blond, who beats on the window to no avail. Yeah, calling the tow truck driver an asshole isn’t going to make him stop, blond.

They run along behind the truck, coming upon a tall, skinny, redhead in a terrible yellow plaid shirt who welcomes them to “God’s country”. And so we meet Rex, who’s a jerk. (Also, I’m not sure God hangs around in this backwoods natural wonderland, what with all the murders. More like Satan’s summer hang out.)

Rex, the jerk, had the truck towed by Max, as a prank. Because Rex is a jerk.

“This will be just like old times.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

I agree, blond. I agree.

Back in their truck, the three soon-to-be-victims ride along past cornfields. Rex says something about getting a brownie badge “if they survive”, which confuses Sandra (and me!) before Rex starts telling lame jokes. Lord, he dies first, right?

Soon they come upon a dead tree blocking the road. AND OF COURSE THEY GET OUT OF THE TRUCK. IDIOTS.

Sandra makes the first real astute observation in this film: “This place is spooky.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 6 (+1)

Then she stupidly wanders away from the truck and into the woods while blond and Rex move the dead tree. Well, you can’t always be a winner, can you, Sandra?

Sure enough, she is being watched.

Sandra uncovers an old wooden sign for CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, calling the guys over to look. Rex helpfully tells them it’s really CAMP BLOOD, located on the same lake. Oh, ho, they’re at a different campground!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 7 (+1)

Not that it’s really gonna help.

Rex dismisses blond and Sandra’s questions, heading back to the truck. Blond’s face is starting to bug me, so that means I must know him? (Pause to check. Oh, his name’s Jeff and I have no idea who Bill Randolph is. Never mind!) Jeff follows Rex, leaving Sandra holding the sign.

She tosses it back in the brush and silent witness in the woods moves a branch to better view the trio as they drive away.

Ah, we’ve arrived! And what a lake house! Counselors run up the steps, joined by Sandra and Jeff.

Suddenly, we move to a cabin, where a dude in a wheelchair is trying to get down a gravel path. Oh boy. Clearly this camp is not ADA-friendly, I mean, seriously, just take a look around. A woman offers to help but he insists he’s got it. Rex shows up, reading… well, I can’t really identify it, because electronic tablets didn’t exist in 1981, but it’s… something?

And now there’s a woman jogging through the woods with what looks like a Lhasa Apso mutt. WHO DIDN’T WARN ME THERE WAS A DOG IN THIS? BECAUSE I CAN JUST SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.

Damn it.

Once again, a mysterious hand of wood-dwelling voyeur appears, moving branches. The shot switches to a zoom-in of the female jogger’s short-shorts-covered buttocks. Because, really.

Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 1 (+1)

The shot switches between hands loading and aiming a slingshot and the woman’s butt, before the slingshot is released and the rock hits her. She stops and turns around, to find a blue-eyed brunette with perfect chiseled features strolling out of the brush.

Too Cool For School: 1 (+1)

I’m just gonna call this right now. Because, seriously, I know this type.

Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 2 (+1)

Oh my god, he just winked at her!

What’s sad is, when I was 12, I would have totally been into him. Yup, I have a movie bad boy addiction. (see: Kiefer Sutherland in anything he did in the 1980s.) At least I recognize I have a problem, but Ms Tanned Short-Shorts and Mickey Mouse crop top just wanders away, smiling.

If some dude pelted my ass with a rock, I would go knee him in the nuts.

My, how times have changed.

Back to Packanack Lodge (what does that even mean?) where everybody is milling about waiting for the meeting. Let’s do a headcount! There’s Jeff and Sandra (2), Wheelchair Dude (3), Jogger Girl (4), Bad Boy (5), four more women (9), guy in a trucker hat (10) and Token Colored Dude (11). Plus the head of the camp dude (12) and Rex (13).

Racism: Business As Usual: 1 (+1)

I’m just gonna stop and put that in now, because I can see it headed our way.

Crap, I totally just made Rex number 13! HA HA!

Oh, and cute mutt, who brings our total to 13.5. Which seems like a LOT more than the first film. WHO, IF ANY, WILL SURVIVE??

Well, immediately there’s a big difference! These people have actual previous counselor experience! Which is amazing and a vast improvement over the clueless losers of the first film.

Bad boy is named Scott. Snort.

“Being a counselor isn’t the gravy summer job everybody thinks it is.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 8 (+1)

Okay, they were warned.

We move to a gravel road where Ralph is riding his bicycle, a red VW convertible Bug quickly approaching from behind. Ralph moves out of the way as the Bug speeds past, headed into the entry of the camp, which is apparently a counselor training center.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 9 (+1)

Well that just spells DOOM, doesn’t it.

Ralph looks on in concern. I wonder if Ralphie baby will live through this franchise entry?

Back to Packanack Lodge, where the counselors are informed they’re going “back to basics”. The first thing they’re going to learn?

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 10 (+1)

Survivalism!

YOU DON’T SAY.

Also, first aid. Because, you know, that could come in handy if you have an ax wound or get attacked with a machete. Just sayin’.

Too Cool For School: 2 (+1)

I’m just gonna point out that Scott is manspreading all over the top of that picnic table, in his tight 80s blue jeans and cowboy boots. Lord, dude. You’re trying much too hard.

VW Bug pulls up, blonde woman gets out, is immediately taken to another cabin by head camp dude. Awkward. Ginny is to be his assistant, and he berates her tardiness, when the others have arrived on time. She makes a weak ass apology and an excuse. She called but the camp phones don’t work.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 11 (+1)

It’s like shooting fish in a barrel with that trope this go round. Geez.

Oh! Finally. Head dude is Paul. Well, Paul, your bunch of misfits aren’t going to survive the summer. Sorry. And hiring Ginny, with her flakey excuses and blatant flirting, was probably an awful idea.

Paul returns to his meeting, telling Ginny to park her car in the lot, because “this place is starting to look like a Burger King.” WHAT A TOTALLY RANDOM DESCRIPTION THAT IS. Did they have a product endorsement by the Home of the Whopper? I don’t see any used burger wrappers or golden cardboard crowns on the grass…

“A few words about safety.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 12 (+1)

STOP ALREADY.

Yeah, bear country. Just what every counselor wants to hear after you list off equipment that can kill or maim, sure. Paul, you’re an idiot.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 16 (+4)

He continues to rattle off multiple things one shouldn’t do in the woods. I’m gonna let you all be surprised, because I’m pretty sure they’re gonna be revisited real fast.

Except for this one: “keep clean during your menstrual cycle.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 17 (+1)
Punished For Basic Biology: 1 (+1)

Yeah, I hate this movie and we’re only 24 minutes in.

Ginny can’t get her Bug started. Paul comes over and berates her, saying she isn’t treating it gentle, like a child. WHAT THE HELL. He pops the hood, which in a Bug is where the trunk would be, and tells her to try again.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 18 (+1)
Physical Payback For Comedic Laughs: 1 (+1)

Paul gets a face full of soot as the engine turns over. Because, ha ha, that’ll teach him not to mansplain mechanics.

Now it’s night, the group is sitting around a campfire, roasting marshmallows, as one does in the woods.

“I don’t want to scare anyone, but I want to give it to you straight about Jason.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 19 (+1)

This counter is going to be off the charts by the end of this film, God help me.

Paul, ever helpful, explains how Jason’s body was never recovered and the local folk say he’s still out there.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 1 (+1)
Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 20 (+1)

“Some sort of demented creature surviving in the wilderness, full grown by now. Stalking, stealing what he needs, living off wild animals and vegetation.”

…no words. No words.

[Wing: The movie is basically doing the snarky recap for you.] [Virgin: Basically, yes, Wing.]

Paul brings up Alice and her claim she saw Jason. He claims she disappeared two months later. Um, apparently nobody figured out she was murdered, even with “blood everywhere”. What the hell, cops?? [Wing: What sort of magic did Jason use to clean up her place? Damn.] [Virgin: Crime scene cleaners and murderers wish they knew, Wing.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 21 (+1)

“Legend has it Jason saw his mother beheaded that night and that he took his revenge. A revenge he will continue to seek if anyone enters his wilderness again.”

JUST GIVE AWAY THE WHOLE PLOT, PAUL.

Cheer On the Killer: 1 (+1)

I’m so on #TeamJason for this film.

Wow, Scott looks worried.

“We’re the first to return here. Five years, five long years, he’s been dormant.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 22 (+1)

I can’t.

So, if I’m doing the math, the first film was set “in the present” and this is five years after that, but Alice died two months after the events of the first film. I almost need a whiteboard to draw this all out on. Clearly this series is going to time jump A LOT.

Anyway, Paul continues saying things about how Jason is in the woods, hungry, looking for intruders. This is all to psych the shit out of the others, as Rex shows up in a rubber mask and a fur loincloth with a spear, screaming.

Rex has been promoted from jerk to asshole.

Everyone, even Mark (formerly Wheelchair Guy), has fled the campfire. Paul intones them to return, that the prank was to just get that myth out of their systems and to never bring it up again.

You can all die, as far as I’m concerned.

“Camp Crystal Lake is off limits.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 23 (+1)

Rex and his rubber mask in the lodge, he whips out the black object that I can now identify as a hand-held pocket video game, the precursor to Game Boy. Sandra and Jeff come downstairs, Sandra steals Jeff’s hat, he chases her. Typical hijinxs!

Mark and… some other dude are arm wrestling, Mark wins. Scott puts the moves on Terri, who shoots him down, so he asks the dog to dance.

Someone is watching through the windows!

[Wing: As much as I hate bad guy POV, there is nothing happening in this movie except for it, basically. I am so, so bored.]

And now Scott is dancing, with the dog in his arms, recounting how he was outside a fast-food joint, questioning where his life is headed. (Well, I can tell you Scott, but I’m not gonna.) Mutt sees something through the window, whines, but Scott interprets it as yet again “striking out”.

Paul gets beat at chess by Ginny (we’ve stepped up from Strip Monopoly, apparently) and heads for bed. The others are dancing, awkwardly, to generic pop. Ginny heads outside, taking a flashlight, off to her cabin.

Sandra pesters Jeff about visiting Camp Blood.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 24 (+1)

Sure, Jeff, protest now, but you’ll end up there, and likely die there, too.

Ginny reaches her cabin and immediately begins to divest herself of clothing. It’s pretty much Alice all over again! A shadow on the side of the cabin reveals someone’s lurking, because subtle. A knock at the door; Ginny answers but no one’s there. Stupidly, she steps outside the cabin, only to have Paul try and cover her mouth.

“I’m not supposed to be fraternizing with the staff.”

Well, we know what happened to Kevin Bacon when he slept with his female co-counselor, so let’s just wave goodbye to Ginny and Paul now.

A pair of boots approaches, as Ginny and Paul make out. The camera pans up and it’s Ralph! Dude, stop being a creepy peeper! Not to mention hanging around the camp where everyone’s gonna die!

Crystal Lake Body Count: 11.5 (+1)

Oh, shit! My warning came too late, as Ralph hears a twig snap, just as a wire garrote catches him around the throat, the killer hidden behind the tree. Sorry, Ralph. You tried. [Wing: Alas, he will no longer be around to give people warnings they will ignore.] [Virgin: RIP, Ralph, you’ll be missed. I guess, though, you’re “lucky” you got out during the second installment. I have 10 more to go.]

Ah, an idyllic morning dawns, revealing Ginny asleep in bed. She survived the night! Likely in Paul’s arms, am I right?

Of course, Paul has left a love note written in (I hope that’s) lipstick on the mirror: “BEWARE OF BEARS”. Proof romance is alive and well in the Friday the 13^th franchise!

The counselors are jogging… well, running… down the dirt and gravel road, while Paul and Mark view from the sidelines. Jeff doesn’t like Mark’s razzing, so he stops to flip off the guy in a wheelchair. Yeah.

Out in the dense woods, there’s some heavy breathing. No, it’s not what you think! Paul is leading the counselors through the woods on a trail, instructing them not to deviate, as there’s lots of poison ivy in the brush. I dunno, I’d be worried about ticks and snakes, and other shit but these counselors throw caution into the wind, wearing 80s-style shorts

The lurker in the woods watches as they pass through, only Ginny stopping to search out why she feels like someone’s creeping. Hell, she looks right at the camera and sees nothing. Good job, Ginny.

Oh crap, the dog is alone, digging in the dead leaves. It wanders right up to the scuffed boots and blue jean-clad legs of the lurker before the screen immediately changes to hot dogs cooking on a grill over an open fire. SUBTLE EDITING.

Ginny is using a chainsaw to cut pieces of wood for the fire, while the others mill around and wait for lunch to cook. Geez, Ginny is the only take charge character in this? I don’t think she’s going to survive but hopefully she outlasts, oh, Scott.

Wait… wait… did she just call Rex “Ted”? Have I been calling him the wrong name this whole review Damn it.

Yeah, I’m not going back and change that. Ted is grill master, calling everybody to chow. Terry, apparently, isn’t hungry, as she’s off to the cabin, where the lurker in the woods is conveniently lurking outside said cabin. Funny how that works!

Oh damn, she can’t find Muffin. That’s not a euphemism, that’s the mutt’s name. Why would you let your dog run loose? C’mon, for its safety and any critters it encounters in the woods, that’s just common sense!

Right, right, these characters lack any common sense. Never mind.

What is with these actors staring right at the camera, which implies they can see the lurker and not only that, they are looking right at him?! Bad direction, man. Terry keeps calling for Muffin but instead of actually finishing searching for the dog, she is called to lunch. Irresponsible pet owner ship, ahoy!

Ginny returns the chainsaw to the supply cabin and yet again acts like she feels she’s being watched but does nothing about it. Man, did they not learn about STRANGER DANGER or was not taught in schools until after this film was released? [Wing: 1960s in the US, I think. Maybe even earlier.] [Virgin: Okay, so they SHOULD have known!]

Ah, lunch must be concluded, as everyone is racing to the lake’s edge, discarding clothing as they go! Did they wait the customary thirty minutes to an hour before swimming? (I’m gonna bet no.) Sandra catches Jeff and asks if he’s ready. Jeff plays dumb and asks “for what?”

Really, Jeff? Really?

Sandra so helpfully reminds him of her desire to sneak over to Camp Blood, saying it’s just a short walk and, this a bonus, they can tell everyone in the city they went to the infamous murder site! How can you pass those bragging rights up, Jeff?

Well, I guess calling him chicken shit is also a motivator, Sandra. [Wing: If one form of peer pressure doesn’t work, try try again.]

Along the trail they go, following the edge of the lake until they’re out of sight of the others. Back through the woods, Sandra leading the way. We’ll check back with them, shortly!

The other counselors are horse playing on the diving dock, while Ginny, Mark, TED, (oh my God, how did I hear Rex? This is going to bother me until I forget about it.) and one of the other female counselors sit around tanning (Mark, why are you wearing your track pants in the sun?) and telling disgusting jokes. Y’know, as one does.

Jeff and Sandra continue on their secret sneaky trip to Camp Blood and I have a sinking feeling they are going to be finding the remains of Muffin shortly. I think I’ll just watch through my fingers…

Nope, I was wrong. Blue jeans and boots lurker pops out from behind a tree after they pass by. Well, you can see where this is headed!

Reading a “no trespassing” sign, the couple hops it, breaking the law, as they continue their quest for bragging rights. Blue jeans and boots follow along behind.

AND THERE’S THE BLOODY, RIPPED APART, REMAINS OF MUFFIN.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 12 (+.5)

RIP Muffins. You had a shitty, irresponsible owner.

Jeff, the expert, decides a wild animal killed the mutt. A hand grabs his shoulder from behind, startling the couple. Oh, it’s a law enforcement officer, inquiring what they’re doing on “condemned” property. He returns them to the camp and lectures Paul, who looks bored by the fact some old dude is telling him what to do with his “people”. Wow, the irresponsibility continues!

The officer appeals to Paul’s vanity and reputation, saying he should have located his training camp in the next county. What, there’s no high murder rates there? Jason can’t walk that far? Nothing bad ever happened there? [Wing: Well, Jason’s only supposed to come after people who go near Camp Blood, so…there’s no real logic anyway.] [Virgin: Pretty sure logic is not on the list of things this franchise deals in.]

Paul sends Sandra and Jeff on their way, shocking the officer that Paul doles out no punishment, not even a stern talking to. Paul, who’s apparently an asshole, tells Ginny Jeff and Sandra can’t have second desserts.

Just zoom to the top of my “Hope You’re Dead Soon” list, why don’t you, Paul.

Sandra wonders if they should tell Terry her dog has been viciously killed. Jeff says, “no way”. Wow. Just, wow. With friends like these, the lurker in the woods looks downright friendly!

Headed back to town, the officer sees a figure wearing what I am assuming to be a flour bag or burlap sack over his head dart across the road. OF COURSE HE STOPS. Yeah, I know he’s law enforcement, but chasing the sack wearer into the brush? When you just lectured Paul about how things have been quiet for five years and you want it to stay that way? Bad call, officer. [Wing: Well, no. If he’s actually patrolling condemned property to make sure there are no trespassers, following a figure into the woods is his job.]

Now we’re deep into the woods, crossing a creek, and the officer is winded. Lurker is barely running but the cop can’t keep up. The officer comes to a stop in front of what looks like a run down cluster of chicken coops but no, that’s actually a trailer, Virgin, clean your glasses. It’s rusted and pieced together with repairs, covered by tarps and tar paper. Clearly an expensive summer home on the lake!

(Having stayed in a mashed-together cabin that comprised of a cabin, an old metal single-wide trailer home, and some weird parts that filled in the rest, that sat on land worth millions beside a lake in the Ozarks, I am not kidding.)

And of course, the officer goes to investigate. Can’t have squatters in the woods!

Opening the door, it’s a pretty trashed affair. Old and broken furniture, a baby’s hi-chair (??), blankets, a metal bucket, a stump for a table… must be hard to find a decorator and maid service in the woods.

Firstly, why didn’t the cop take out his gun? Maybe I have watched too much 24 and CSI during my lifetime, but I would want to be prepared and God knows what/who you’re going to find in this squatter’s den, dude. Ugh.

Why did he open the cupboard? And then moves the curtain to find the broken toilet? And the falling wood scares him? Okay. Opening an inside door, he sees the blue jean-wearing lurker standing there (if he’s in the corner, I am out, that ending to The Blair Witch Project freaked me the fuck out!) so, of course, he approaches from behind! Because, SMART.

But it’s a fake out! A hand raises a claw hammer and brings it down into the officers skull!

Crystal Lake Body Count: 13 (+1)

I don’t think he’s gonna survive that. The back of his head was oozing orange-pink mush.

Smash cut to the open porch/deck of Packanack Lodge, where everyone is enjoying dinner! And I am only half-way through this stupid film! Paul insists today has been fun and games but the real work starts tomorrow. Anyone who wants shore leave (aka “going into town”) raises their hand. The shot pans past Terry, who is wearing a pink, long sleeved crop top (…why long sleeves?) and her nipples are hard enough to cut glass. I can only imagine the reactions teenage boys had to this scene in 1981. Ugh.

Actually, I’m pretty sure most of the women aren’t wearing bras in this movie.

Jeff and Sandra aren’t allowed to go, their punishment for wandering off. Terry decides to stay with them at the camp. Scott, fake yawning with a sleazy stretch, decides he’s “too tired” and he’s going to stick around, too. Uh huh.

Mark decides to stay behind, because “nothing spoils a party faster then a drunk in a wheelchair”. What the hell, man? The brunette who keeps trying to help him, but is really just flirting, decides to keep him company.

So that’s a minimum of six at the camp. Oh, this is going to be a bloodbath.

After the others leave, Terry announces she’s going for a walk. IN THE DARK. IN THAT SKIMPY CROP TOP. Yeah. Smart. The others set to cleaning up the lodge for the night. Mysteriously, Scott is not in the scene.

Flour sack head steps out of the shadows, casting a shadow on the side of the porch as he heads off in the direction Terry went. Hm, I wonder who will bite it first? Terry or Scott?

The full moon in a bright(?) blue(??) night sky watches over the two-car caravan headed into town, the local bar their destination. Party hardy, yo, you’re about to die!

Ah, taking a evening stroll in her long-sleeved crop top, Terry stops by the lake side. She hears a noise and calls out for Muffin. Sorry, honey, I got some bad news…

In town, the two-car caravan pulls into the parking lot crammed with 70s and 80s cars. The building features a cheap hand-painted sign that reads CASINO. Oh not only are we drinking, we’re gambling tonight. Gambling with our lives! [Wing: Ah, a Point Horror tagline at its best.]

Who ever edited this, you suck. Constantly flipping back and forth between 30 second scenes is horrible and is giving me whiplash!

With that said, we’re back to the lake, where Terry strips off her stupid crop top and ditches her tennis shoes and track pants so she can go skinny dipping. Wow, the tan lines. And of course, someone is watching her from the sidelines.

Arm wrestling is the name of the game at Packanack Lodge, where Mark is taking on Jeff. Sandra is bored out of her mind, so she attempts some pointed innuendo about “wrestling”, and sure enough Jeff is like I’M DONE and goes off with her.

The chick that’s been flirting with Mark challenges him but “only wants his fingers”. Oh lord, it’s a joke! She wants to play handheld video games! I-I’m so confused… it just keeps going. There’s innuendo about the “puck” and playing for “position”. I’m just gonna call this as:

Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 5 (+3)

And she just winked at Mark. Yup. It goes both ways in this film!

I guess it was a small miracle that scene lasted more than a minute, because now we’re back to nude night swimming with Terry. I’m gonna place a bet that the hand currently collecting her discarded clothing belongs to Scott. The music score gets a very Jaws­­-esque flavor (subtle, your name is not Friday the 13^th, Part 2) as Terry heads back to shore, constantly looking about to see if anyone’s watching. It’s pitch black out! You left no lantern or light source on the shore! How can you see anything!?

Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 6 (+1)

I win! Scott comes out from behind the lifeguard tower, Terry’s clothes and shoes in hand. He tosses her pants to the sand, which she puts on, but runs away with her ridiculous crop top. She chases after him, demanding her shirt, a towel around her chest, threatening him.

Scott stops and offers the shirt but yanks it from Terry’s reach, as she tells him this type of teasing isn’t funny anymore (yeah, because it’s harassment, Terry) and just as she’s lecturing him, Scott steps his foot into a rope noose on the ground, which instantly pulls tight.

Yeah, this isn’t going to end well.

Flailing, Scott swings through the air, screaming about Paul’s “wilderness bullshit”, all the while Terry’s towel clings to her breasts in a mysterious way (read: double-sided tape) as she tries to free her tormentor.

“I outta let you hang, you pervert.” Thems gonna be fateful words, Terry.

Stuck hanging upside down, Scott promises to end his harassment. Terry buys his lies (well, they are, you and I both know this) and goes off to find a knife to cut him free.

Back at her cabin, Terry hits the lights but the power blows out, leaving her to search for a cutting implement in the dark. Of course, this is a movie, so we can all see that she can totally see what’s in the cabin, but anyway.

Scott, still upside down, should be contemplating the error of his ways but more likely he’s just pissed Terry isn’t back yet. Too bad, since it won’t matter, now that the blue jean wearing lurker shows up with a machete and slashes open Scott’s throat.

Yeah, I would complain about the really not realistic throat slash but whatever. Scott is bleeding out!

Terry, searching the closet, screams when a backpack falls on her. She instantly starts searching it, finding a large folding pocketknife, before heading back to Scott.

Lecturing Scott (well, his corpse) about how she’ll free him but if he ever does “this again” (that’s vague) she’ll “kill” him. Uh, a little late, haven’t you noticed?

Crystal Lake Body Count: 14 (+1)

Oh, now you did. Just had to turn him around, didn’t you, Terry?

Her screams don’t matter much, as she is confronted by the lurker.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 15 (+1)

I’m gonna call it now. Not sure we’ll see Terry’s body but you never know!

Back at the bar slash casino, the house band is rockin’, the dance floor hopping, as beers are delivered and empties collected. Ginny, Paul, and Ted are at the bar, Ted making a pair of “bottle binoculars” out of some empties, as the waitress returns.

Discussing the events of five years ago, as well as Jeff and Sandra’s misadventure, Ginny brings up the “what if there is a Jason?” question on everyone’s minds.

“Bullshit, Ginny.” Paul dismisses her. Yeah, I can’t wait for you to die, Paul.

I know I forgot to mention Ginny is studying Child Psychology. So I’m gonna state it here and now.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 25 (+1)

Ginny believes if Jason is really out there, he could be a “frightened retard”.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 2 (+1)

Or maybe a “child’s mind trapped in a man’s body.” Which immediately sends Ted into making inappropriate gestures.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 3 (+1)

Keep it up, Friday the 13^th franchise.

“His mother was everything to him.”
“Yeah, a deranged killer.”

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 4 (+1)

Ugh.

Ginny postulates that Jason might not understand that death is real. Okay. She thinks Jason witnessed Mrs. Voorhees’ death. Okay. Really, I got nothing to add to this conversation. So let’s stick with this theory!

Well, you’ve killed the mood thoroughly, Ginny.

“What do you think?”
“I think you’re drunk.”

Damn, Paul, damn.

Ginny tries to express her belief that there really is something to what Paul dismisses as a legend. Ginny, not that I think you’re gonna survive this, but you could do so much better in the boyfriend department.

Returning to Packanack Lodge, the lurker watches Mark through the window. Mark is enamored of Ted’s video game, while Sandra and Jeff make out on the wicker loveseat. Shortly, Sandra leads him up the stairs.

After they’ve disappeared, the chick… who’s name is Vickie, because I stopped to look it up, inquires about why Mark is in a wheelchair. Apparently Mark was a Bad Boy™ like Scott, who was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident. Vickie presses: “is it permanent?”

I feel like this needs a tag.

Detail Your Disability To Me: 1 (+1)

Seriously, Vickie, pestering the man with questions after laying on thick sexual innuendo, you suck. [Wing: Apparently not yet.] [Virgin: Dirty.]

Oh, hell, it gets worse.

Detail Your Disability To Me: 2 (+1)
Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 7 (+1)

Vickie just asked if it was just his legs and if “everything else works okay”. I can’t.

Mark smiles. “Oh, I do all right, one way or another.” That’s just encouraging her, dude. Vickie casually picks up a joint from the table but Mark declines, saying he’s in training.

Please, please let the body count start rising. I can’t take much more of this asinine bullshit.

We rejoin Jeff, who is playing harmonica while lying in bed, clothed. I-I…I really didn’t see that coming, I’m kind of stunned. Isn’t harmonica playing usually reserved for men in prison cells? [Wing: Nope. We had harmonica + guitar players at the last bbq I attended.]

Sandra pops into the shot, to pull his tank top up with her teeth. Guess that was just a red herring. At least she takes off that stupid hat he wears before they set to making out. If Kevin Bacon taught us anything in the first film, having sex in these woods gets you killed. Which one will die first!

Damn it, again with the smash cuts to another plot line! Ugh! I want to sue this editor! Back down stairs, Vickie puts the moves on Mark. They discuss where they’ll spend the night together, the whole camp open (??) to pick from. Yeah, what happens when the others come back?

I’m not sure what that really was but the effect seems to be simulating lightning? It was a poor effect, that’s for sure. I guess we’re in for some rain! Vickie heads to the cabin, one I’m pretty sure she shared with the late Terry, to get some things. The power is still out, but it was a fake out, as Vickie plugs in the lamp and it comes on.

Dressing in a sweater (???), Vickie selects a pair of silky underwear before holding it up in front of the mirror. Surely that’ll excite Mark!

Sliding into them, the lurker plays peeping Tom through the cabin’s screen door. A spritz or four of perfume… no, make that six… and Vickie’s ready! [Wing: My god, she’s going to kill everyone around her with that smell.] That is until she hears the shutter banging on the side of the cabin, now that the wind’s blowing in the storm.

She runs out to her car, dressed in her long-sleeved sweater and panties (???! What is wrong with these people and their terrible fashion choices??) and pulls out something I can’t identify from between the seats. Just then the rain starts!

Cue terrible flash of lightning graphic!

Back at Packanack Lodge, Mark rolls himself out on the porch, looking for Vickie.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 16 (+1)

The machete comes out of nowhere, catching Mark across the face, the force of the throw enough to push his wheelchair back and down the steps. But not just down the steps to the porch but the massive dugout into the hillside staircase! (I don’t think so, that’s a long way to roll but it’s a movie, so just go with it.)

Sorry, Mark, guess you’re not getting laid or walking again.

We join Sandra and Jeff in progress as it were, at the moment of simultaneous completion. Sure. Sweaty and spent, they make out while the lurker enters the lodge. He takes a hold of the spear Ted used to scare the counselors, tossing the mask on the stairs as he climbs up to the bedrooms.

If only Jeff had turned his face the other way, he might have seen the lurker enter the bedroom.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 18 (+2)

Sandra does but apparently loses the ability to scream, just as the spear is plunged through the both of them, straight through the mattress and into the floorboards below.

Is that our first double murder in the series? I think so!

Returning to the bar/casino in town, it’s still packed, more so now that it’s pouring down buckets outside. Ginny and Paul head back to camp, leaving behind Ted and his massive collection of empty beer bottles that he won’t let the waitress collect.

I guess Vickie was after an umbrella? Because she’s got one as she returns to Packanack Lodge. I’m also guessing the stairs that Mark and his wheelchair crashed down lead to the lake, and that’s on the opposite side of the lodge, so Vickie doesn’t see him. Bummer.

At least she put on pants.

Unable to find Mark, she heads upstairs, missing the rubber mask lying on one of the steps.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 26 (+1)

She enters Sandra and Jeff’s room, approaching the bed, where a sheet covers two figures. Suddenly, one sits up, their head enclosed in what looks like a pillowcase with single eye hole! Vickie screams as the lurker slashes her thigh, leaving a bloody gash.

Bleeding heavily, she backs into the corpse of Jeff, who is strung up with a sheet noose behind the door, blood all over him. More screaming, as the lurker walks towards Vickie, a huge chef knife raised.

He stabs her once.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 19 (+1)

Paul and Ginny are back at the camp, driving through the downpour. The lurker busies himself by dragging Vickie’s body down the stairs. I can only imagine how he’s going to stage it for them to find.

Inside the lodge, Ginny wonders if something’s wrong and heads upstairs, picking up the mask on the way.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 27 (+1)

Paul stands around and complains that his counselors get better quality drugs then he does. Great, Paul. Please die already.

Upstairs, Ginny calls for Paul, who finds her standing besides the bloodied deathbed of Sandra and Jeff. “Is this a joke?” NO PAUL, I MOST CERTAINLY WISH IT WAS BUT IT ISN’T.

I guess the lurker had time to remove all three copses, which really calls the timeline of events into question, but anyway. Paul and Ginny can’t find anyone, the power’s out, and the rain’s beginning to let up. Ginny looks round at all those windows with their curtains wide open. Remember kids, it’s super important to shut curtains!

Ginny declares there is someone in the room with them, just as the lurker rises from the shadows. She yells to warn Paul, but it’s too late. The lurker and Paul begin to wrestle, the lurker dropping the spear. Ginny becomes immediately useless and hangs back, watching the fight.

Too late. Paul is down with nary a scream.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 20 (+1)

Man, I had high hopes for a brutal, gory end for Paul. Insert sad trombone music.

The pillowcase wearing lurker rises from the floor, sending Ginny fleeing into the bathroom, where she holds the door closed. She realizes the window is open (as well as the curtains!) but is forced to let go of the handle in order to close the window.

A hand smashes through the glass, grabbing for her. A miss! Ginny flees the bathroom!

I still have seventeen minutes of this to go! Argh!!

Running through the dark lodge, Ginny hides in the kitchen. She moves to lock the window but the doorknob rattles, so she heads over to investigate, armed with a bread knife? Well, it’s a knife.

That’s when a pitchfork comes slamming through the wooden door, nearly impaling her!

Wow, okay, this is getting exciting.

Opening the pantry, the body of Ralph, the poor old local prophet of doom, falls out, traumatizing Ginny more. She knocks out the screen and jumps out the window to the ground below, before she makes it to her VW Bug.

Of course, it won’t start.

Pillowcase Head pops up beside the car, startling Ginny and Virgin, before disappearing again. Ginny realizes he’s climbed on the top of the car, stabbing the tines of the pitchfork through the convertible’s soft top, before trying to grab her.

Ginny opens the passenger door, knocking him away and to the ground!

Running up the slippery, muddy hillside, Ginny pauses to hide in some shrubs. As the lurker catches up, she kicks him in the crotch! Go, Ginny! You’re tenacious like Alice was! Not going down without a fight!

Stumbling, the lurker doubles back. Ginny reaches Vickie’s car but it’s locked. And I’m pretty sure that’s a McDonald’s drink cop on the dash. Product placement everywhere!

She hides at the front of the car, [Wing: Not very damn well! He totally should have seen the top of her head over the hood. She wasn’t even trying.] not knowing the lurker has caught up to her, before running up another hill. He leaps from the bushes but misses! He runs right past Ginny, still holding his pitchfork. This game of cat and mouse is intense, yo!

It’s only been three minutes since I complained about having 17 more minutes to watch.

Ginny, having escaped the clutches of the lurker, starts running. There is a weird montage of shots of Ginny running, the full moon, and the lurker with his pitchfork. I guess that means she’s headed for help, wherever she can find it?

The lurker arrives at and enters a cabin. Crickets chirp loudly in the night as he wanders through the rooms. Ginny is hiding below the bed. The shadow of the pitchfork is clearly visible on the floorboards…

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 28 (+1)

Ginny watches the lurker’s boots before she notices a rat crawling around under the nightstand. Eventually it comes over to Ginny but she manages not to scream.

Nope, she just pees herself, a growing puddle of urine that draws the attention of the lurker. [Wing: I actually liked this part. It’s a believable reaction to true fear, and she’s got a lot going on right now. Also, instead of the killer mysteriously knowing where she is, this makes sense.] [Virgin: The ONLY thing this movie probably got right! A puddle of pee!]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 28.5 (+.5)

I’m gonna call that half a point, because clearly he smelled it and went outside to fake her out.

Ginny wisely stays put until she doesn’t, crawling out just as the lurker tries to stab her with the pitchfork. Her scream, or a chair, or both, makes him miss. That was a weird edit. [Wing: I think it is the chair breaking that makes him miss, but it’s not really clear.] The pitchfork’s handle breaks, giving Ginny time to get up and grab THE CHAIN SAW!!

The chain saw has no problem and turns on immediately, allowing Ginny to fend off her attacker by getting right up in his pillowcase-covered face with it! She clips him, he goes down, Ginny smashes a chair on his back. He’s down! Ginny 1, Lurker 0!

Crystal Lake Body Count: 21 (+1)

She doesn’t even check to see if he’s dead, just heads out of the cabin, shutting the door behind her, before she runs into the woods. Coming upon the creek, she sits down to rest, before continuing on.

Of course, she comes upon the lurker’s makeshift cabin in the woods, a lantern burning brightly in the open window. Ginny cries and begs for help, not seeing that the lurker is running up to the cabin, as she’s too busy being confused by the squatter’s paradise.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+1)
Crystal Lake Body Count: 20 (-1)

Look, Ginny, this is his cabin. I’m pretty sure any way you attempt to barricade yourself inside it, he’s gonna know how to get through.

Unfortunately, the room Ginny decides to hole up in contains a shrine slash altar, of sorts, featuring the somewhat preserved head of the sainted Mrs. Voorhees on top among burning candles. Below, the bodies of Terry and Scott, along with a skeletonized corpse, are gathered round.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 29.5 (+1)

Put that Child Psychology degree to use, Ginny!

Advancing towards the altar, as the lurker uses a pickax to break through the door, Ginny dons Mrs. Voorhees’ well-preserved knitted sweater. Taking up the machete, looking desperately at the face, Ginny jumps up as the lurker enters and announces: “Jason! It’s all done, Jason!”

Apparently this works, because Jason “sees” Mrs. Voorhees’ face hovering over Ginny’s, telling him he’s done a good job and mommy is proud.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 5 (+1)

I’m gonna throw that into the counter, because we all know this franchise deals poorly in mental health issues.

Jason approaches at the promise of a reward from mommy, but doesn’t trust whether it’s really Mrs. Voorhees or Ginny. Persevering, Ginny gets him to kneel down before her, hiding the machete behind her back.

Peering up at Ginny with one brown eye, Jason waits as Ginny raises the machete. But she moves and reveals Mrs. Voorhees’ preserved head still lying atop the altar. BAD MOVE!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 30.5 (+1)

Jason realizes he’s been tricked, bringing the pickax up as Ginny swings down the machete. The force knocks it from her hands, allowing Jason to slash her leg open.

“Ginny!” Paul yells as he enters the room.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 2 (+1)
Crystal Lake Body Count: 19 (-1)

Wow, holy shit, Paul to the rescue!

This won’t last long.

Grabbing Jason from behind, Paul struggles to stop him, knocking down the rotting ceiling beams in the process. Ginny struggles to find an escape path before picking up the machete from where it landed beside Terry’s long-sleeved crop top wearing corpse. (I am not letting go of that most ridiculous article of clothing! It will be this film’s Strip Monopoly!)

As Paul struggles with Jason, Ginny moves within range and brings the machete down into the side of Jason’s neck. He falls to the floor.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 20 (+1)

[Wing: I was going to complain about no one ever checking to see if the killer is actually dead and don’t they know what happens in the movies — but then I remembered these are the movies that taught us what happens in the movies.]

Paul tries to get her to leave but no, Ginny has to see Jason’s face. She reaches down and pulls off the pillowcase but… we see nothing?! WE GET TO SEE NOTHING?? WHAT THE HELL??

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 31.5 (+1)

The couple exits the squatter’s paradise, Paul aiding the wounded Ginny as they walk through the woods, eventually having to carry her. They return to the last cabin Ginny hid in. The poor woman is crying, in shock, still bleeding. Paul sets her on the bed, which is next to a set of windows.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 32.5 (+1)

This is when I really hate the fact that I can basically “see” what’s coming next and I don’t like it. Disfigured-face Jason is gonna pop right through them windows, isn’t he.

Paul attempts to look over Ginny’s wounds but she clings to him. Suddenly, a noise! But it’s not the door opening, like Ginny assumed. Paul picks up the pieces of the broken pitchfork, giving Ginny the sharp tines while taking the metal handle before walking to the door.

Yeah, dude, just leave her on the bed, aimed the wrong way. Shit, seriously, this is one giant setup!

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 2.5 (+.5)
Crystal Lake Body Count: 19.5 (-.5)
Super Cute Fake Out Involving Animals: 1 (+1)

IT’S JUST MUFFIN, ALIVE AND WELL! (So, wait, who was that other dog??)

Paul picks up the mutt, as Ginny gets up from the bed…

Jason, unmasked, bursts through the windows from behind Ginny, grabbing her!

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 3.5 (+1)
Crystal Lake Body Count: 18.5 (-1)

Now, a word about Jason’s disfigured face. It’s very much reminiscent of Sloth from The Goonies, which is weird because that means it was inspiration for Sloth, as the The Goonies was released in 1985 and Friday the 13^th Part 2 came out in 1981. I don’t know how I feel about this. Half his face is normal, his teeth are broken or decaying, his gums are full of sores, his hair is super long, and the other half of his face has a lowered eye that is clearly fake.

Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: +1 (1)

Oh, and the machete is still stuck between his neck and shoulder. Right.

[Wing: But why is he so deformed? I know from a visual perspective it’s because of that whole evil = ugly/ugly = evil trope that is so terrible, but there’s no actual reason Jason should be deformed, right?] [Virgin: … I-I don’t actually know? There seems to be some spoken and visual implication that he was handicapped/deformed but it’s not clear the extent or why/how in either Part 1 or Part 2. Maybe we get told somewhere in the next 10 films.]

My bad, the whole right side of his head is grotesquely deformed; the ear non-existent and grown over with skin and scarring, twisting his face and pulling the eye downward. Got it.

Somehow Jason pulls Ginny outside before the screen goes white.

Next, Ginny is laying on a gurney, belted down, babbling and calling for Paul as the paramedics load her in the ambulance. For some reason the ambulance drives way before they even shut the back doors? THAT SEEMS UNREASONABLE AND A HUGE SAFETY VIOLATION.

Back at Jason’s cabin, the camera zooms in on Mrs. Voorhees’ leathery head before the screen goes to black. Credits roll!

…wait. How can I have accurate counters?? What happened?!! Damn it, Friday the 13^th Part 2!

[Wing: Where’s the damn dog?!] [Virgin: MUFFIN, WHERE ARE YOU!]

Final Thoughts 

Wow. Not only did I hate this movie more then I imagined I would but way more people survived! That’s like some kind of record! Ted, because he stayed at the bar to get plastered, the Token Black Character, several unnamed women, and trucker hat guy all survived Jason. Astonishing! [Wing: Mostly because we barely saw them.] [Virgin: Clearly the lesson here is the less screen time, the better your chances of survival!]

Ginny, too, is among the survivors. Will she come back in Part 3? (This is probably a rhetorical question but I’m going to skip spoilers best I can.) Paul and Jason’s whereabouts are unknown.

I know now that the unrated version of the first film was decidedly super graphic about the murders, because this entry barely showed anything. Especially by today’s outrageous, desensitizing standards of violence this was rather tame for an R-rating. I’m not sure the murders were as creative as the first outing’s, either.

Which, really, is weird to say.

Beyond my problems with the sexual harassment and blatant sexism, poor handling of disabilities and mental health, and the fact that the foreshadowing counter went through the roof, I think the worst part of this film was the story. Really, there were so many subplots, you couldn’t move. It needed to be simplified; obviously the main plot point is that Jason is alive (and, um, well?) and it’s taken him five years to start killing those who enter his territory. Why five years? What triggered him? (Will this be answered in Part 3? Virgin will find out!)

Ginny using basic child psychology on Jason was probably groundbreaking as a twist in 1981 but it was rushed and poorly explained by a scene in the bar. Plus I’m not all sure that it’s as plausible as the film wishes you to believe it is. Jason has (had?) serious issues and a one-time scene with someone pretending to be his mother before stabbing him to death is going to make him worse. If he’s alive. (Spoiler: there’s 10 more films to go, so I’m betting he is, in some capacity.)

Honestly, I expected a much higher Crystal Lake Body Count but no. Even rolling over the count from the first film, we’re only at 19.5. I mean, I’m assuming Muffins survived. That poor snake in the first film did not.

I’m not going to attempt to play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. I’m too exhausted.

Well then. I’m just going to sign off here. Stay safe, don’t train to be a camp counselor, and remember to close those curtains! See you for Friday the 13^th Part 3 in the next recap of Let’s Do It!: A Virgin Does Horror!

Final Counters

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 32.5
Crystal Lake Body Count: 18.5
Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 7
Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 5
He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 3.5?
Detail Your Disability To Me: 2
Too Cool For School: 2
Cheer On the Killer: 1
Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 1
Physical Payback For Comedic Laughs: 1
Punished For Basic Biology: 1
Racism: Business As Usual: 1
Super Cute Fake Out Involving Animals: 1