Title: Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)
(theatrically: Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI)

Summary: The writers pretend the events of the previous film (or two) were some sort of fever dream and decide that Tommy Jarvis (now version 3.0!) should inadvertently help resurrect our dead anti-hero, Jason Voorhees. Jason is really really upset that his bloody legacy has been white-washed from history, so he sets out to make sure everyone knows Crystal Lake > Forest Green. The usual mayhem and hi-jinks ensue!

Tagline: Kill or Be Killed!

Notes: I can’t really complain about this poster. It’s decently scary. Can’t really say it’s spoilery; Jason had to come back to carry on the franchise. Good job, art department! [Wing: It’s a pretty solid poster. I’ve never seen it before, and I’m surprised by how well it works, even though the mask sort of looks like a dark moon with holes in it.]

Initial Thoughts

Welcome back to ROUND 6 of Let’s Do It!: A Virgin Does Horror!

I’M AT THE HALFWAY MARK! [Wing: CONGRATULATIONS! This has been such a blast.] After this installment, there’s six left to recap! *throws machete-shaped confetti* I’ve survived Jason five times, but he’s gaining traction, having been resurrected, what, twice now? I mean, is that even the right way to think about it? Tommy killed Jason in Part IV, we know that, and Jason died in that barn (technically) in Part III, but then adult!Tommy has either “become” Jason (aka possessed by, I’m not sure it was real clear in many ways, but we’ll go with it) or… well… maybe this installment does its best to back track and put viewers on a new course for the many bloody adventures of Jason. Who knows. I’m stuck watching it ether way, so I’ll just let myself be surprised.

In reality, I would have been roughly 5 when this film was released in theaters. I can’t say with any honesty that I remember anything about the advertisement campaign; I was busy watching My Little Pony (like a good Virgin!) and serial killers/horror movies wouldn’t really factor in for a while. Okay, this also might have been around the time I had nightmares after seeing the temple scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom because back in the day, when people left their homes to go and rent VHS tapes to watch, rental stores pretty much played whatever the clerk wanted to watch. Before a whole bunch of kids were scarred for life by what they saw and their parents complained and from that point on, the chains only ran G-rated stuff. (I know this for fact; I worked at a video rental store back in the day.)

Om namah shivay! Om namah shivay! Om namah shivay!

Sorry. Getting back on track, from one murderer to another…

Without getting into too much spoiler territory (I’m supposed to go into these completely unknowing, duh) I guess Tommy Jarvis didn’t do much for audiences and the idea of him turning into / being possessed by / whatever Jason Voorhees DIDN’T SIT WELL WITH AUDIENCES. Hm, I wonder why. Though, I have to admit, if they could have kept Corey Feldman on, the idea of a child possessed by Jason could have worked. It’s really a disturbing idea and I’m sure some horror films that have come out since have done something similar. (Don’t @ me, I really don’t like horror films from the past two decades. Even the 90s stuff bothers me. I’ll stick to 1960s-1980s, thank you.)

Okay, let’s just get into it. I’m wasting precious time here. If only the great American hero Kevin Bacon could save me from this… sixth time’s a charm. I’m ready for you, Jason, bring it on.

Important note! Remember, I am rolling over the body count from each of the previous films recapped, so that will be reflected in the counter and final tally.

Recap

Do I have to mention for the umpteenth time how much I miss the old Paramount logo? Or any of the old movie studio logos? Because I do.

The wind is howling fiercely, setting the mood. Man, is it fall yet? We’ve had one hell of a summer and I’m so over it. [Wing: It’s mid-October at this point, and where I live is still acting like summer. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, because I’m always cold and I hate it, but come the fuck on, weather. Cool off! Give me a real October!]

Thunder rolls as the screen fades to black, with white text credits. “A Terror, Inc. Production”. YOU BETTER LIVE UP TO THAT PROMISE.

A startling strings score sounds the alarm as the cloudy, ominous sky fills the screen. The moon is shrouded in fog as it hangs heavy and low over the forested hills. Mist clings to the top of the lake, the thin stick-like trees that ring the edge of the water illuminated by moonlight. (or set lights, as it were.) We see more shots of stark, leafless trees, their sharp branches spread like fingers. Suddenly there’s a German Shepherd eating roadkill off the tarmac. The dog runs away as a vehicle comes up the hill and rounds the bend.

The truck speeds along as we move into the cab. Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask is held in the hands of an unknown man, who’s nervously wondering aloud how Tommy Jarvis talked him into… what? Wait… Okay, I had to actually check how the fucking film is retcon’d. Sigh.

So Tommy and his friend Allen have “escaped” Pinehurst / Pinewood (no one ever figured out why they named it one thing but called it another, I guess) as the whole Jason Voorhees killing everyone at the halfway group house involved a lot of hallucinations. Okay. I’m already throwing my hands in the air and giving up.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+1)

This is just sloppy, writers. [Wing: Yeah, that was certainly one choice they could have made…]

Tommy reminds Allen he didn’t have to come along. Whoa, Tommy is now played by a third actor. Sheesh. Well, I guess it’s a bit of an upgrade, for visual eye candy…

Anyway, Allen doesn’t understand how Tommy’s still-unrevealed plan is going to work as far as therapy goes. Oh, there’s the plan. Spoke too soon again. Jason Voorhees is dead as a doornail in this; Tommy is headed back to where they buried the body in order to burn the remains. Because that will stop his hallucinations. Okay.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+2)

Because, if only it were that simple.

Tommy is convinced Jason belongs in hell —

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+3)

— and Tommy will be the one to see he gets there.

And also makes sure I have to watch Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, which means there’s two chapters more between this installment and that one, so geez, Tommy, your plan takes an awful long time.

Allen looks rather skeptical, peering over his shoulder in the truck bed, just as the lightning illuminates a can of gasoline just ready for use. We SMASH CUT (oh god, not this again) to the cemetery, where Tommy and Allen carry shovels and lanterns as they search for Jason’s grave. The wind is blowing hard, Allen looks pretty unhappy, and I’m almost certain I saw a green traffic light in the background of one of the shots. Who didn’t account for that??

Oh, and Allen is carrying the hockey mask. AS YOU DO WHEN YOU RETURN TO BURN THE REMAINS OF A SERIAL KILLER.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+4)

This is a spectacularly long cold open. The actual credits still haven’t run.

Tommy shines the lantern on every headstone they come across (??) and that’s just stupid, who would pay for a headstone for Jason??! Also lousy continuity from the previous film, writers. The men make their way to a back, almost forgotten corner of the graveyard when suddenly Tommy turns and, okay sure enough, someone paid for a headstone for Jason Voorhees. It’s also beaten and worn down, maybe even vandalized. Ugh.

Okay, it could be the sheepskin-lined jeans jacket, but Tommy got kind of hot in the looks department. (Someone stop me, I know I have a type, and this is going to end poorly.)

Allen catches up and nervously points out that they have indeed found Jason’s grave, while Tommy stares intently upon the headstone. Tommy grabs a shovel and starts to dig, telling Allen he’s “got to be sure” that it’s really Jason six feet under.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+5)

Allen and I are really mixed about Tommy desecrating a grave, but at least I don’t have to use a shovel. Allen, unfortunately, digs in as well, but gets a little creeped out by the cherubic angel carved on another headstone that’s illuminated by the lightning. Tommy remains intently focused on the task at hand; Allen, not so much.

Ooo, we get a little time jump! The boys are now (hopefully) six feet down, because there’s suddenly a scraping sound and we’ve hit coffin! Allen thinks that’s enough proof but for Tommy, no. No, it’s not. [Wing: As terrible an idea as this is, I can’t disagree that, if they’ve come this far, they really should look into the coffin. Just seeing the coffin is no proof of anything.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+6)

Tommy asks for the crowbar but Allen is reluctant. Reaching for it, Tommy is stopped by Allen. “I really don’t like this.” I’M WITH #TEAMALLEN HERE! Tommy says nothing but sets to work prying open the coffin. The customary poof of dust when the lid is wrenched up follows. How one pull of a crowbar manages to loosen the lid entirely is beyond me, but here’s Tommy slowly lifting it up…

Well. There’s that.

A maggot-covered, cobweb-wrapped, worm-drenched set of remains greets Tommy.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+7)

Yeah. Like it would ever be that simple. If so, we wouldn’t have an hour and a half of film left to watch.

We’re treated to maggots and worms writhing and a grisly closeup on the face (“Maggots, Michael, you’re eating maggots! How do they taste?”) and Allen is grossed out. Tommy climbs out of the grave (WHICH IS NOT SIX FEET, WTF) and looks rather stunned that ANYTHING was in the coffin, let alone a (seemingly) rotting Jason Voorhees.

We hear a voice-only flashback of Corey Feldman’s younger Tommy, yelling for Jason to “DIE!” as he stabs Jason, his sister yelling her little brother’s name over and over. Nice. Adult!Tommy stares at the remains (oh goodie, yet another fucking close up) and is lost in the traumatic memories of that which ended his childhood.

The wind kicks up, the lightning flashes, and Tommy looks around rapidly before heading over and yanking on one of the convenient metal fence posts. I guess we’re supposed to believe it’s rotted enough that Tommy is able to yank it free. Sure. Ignoring Allen’s questions, Tommy repeatedly stabs it into the remains.

“Oh shit,” Allen mutters.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+8)

***Wait wait wait, let me guess: he leaves the metal pole in the corpse and it’s hit by lightning and that reanimates Jason? Oh god, please let me be wrong!***

Having wailed on the corpse, stabbing it multiple times, Tommy screams and yells out his anger and frustration, pain and sorrow. And leaves the metal pole stuck in the body. Uh huh. (For the love of everything, why is Tommy really hot in this installment?? Someone smack me!)

Allen casually notes that Jason must have “really messed you over”. Gee, you think? Wait, did you even exist before this installment, Allen? (Don’t think so?) Throwing the hockey mask into the stupidly shallow grave, Tommy gives Jason the kiss off before stomping away.

HOLY SHIT, I WAS RIGHT.

Sure enough, as soon as Tommy and Allen are clear, with Tommy working to open the gas can, A GIANT BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRIKES THE METAL POLE EMBEDDED IN JASON’S REMAINS, SETTING OFF A HUGE SERIES OF SPARKS. In a clearly 80s way, the animated lighting illuminates the corpse and hockey mask.

[Wing: FRANKENSTEIN CROSSOVER IS A GO.]

…I…I can’t believe I totally saw that coming. I swear to God, this is my party trick, knowing what’s going to happen before it happens.

Tommy and Allen, thrown clear of the gas can, dare to look back but more lighting strikes and there’s more giant clouds of sparks everywhere. This is bad. This is so bad.

More of the electricity flows through the rotted remains until AN EYEBALL (that was NOT there minutes ago) OPENS AND STARES DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA.

Able to get off the ground now, Tommy runs over but has to find the gloves in his pocket, as the metal pole is melted to slag and too hot to touch. Allen begs him to leave things alone. Sorry, Allen, we wouldn’t have a film if that happened.

Unable to pull the pole out, Tommy jumps down into the grave to get better purchase. Bad idea. We get another shot of the eyeball watching Tommy, which of course, Tommy hasn’t seen and/or noticed. The pole finally removed, Tommy removes his gloves and crawls up from the grave, which is when Jason lunges up and grabs him.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+1)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+66)

Like, you were a pretty flattened, rotted corpse minutes ago but now you’re a beefy, not really rotted, tall man now? Sure. Sure, let me just suspend disbelief here.

Allen screams his head off and runs away, leaving a struggling Tommy to fight his way away from Jason, who’s trying to drag him into the grave. A good kick does it and Tommy’s back to his one-track plan of burning Jason, as he goes directly to the gas can again. Jason easily stands up in the grave, BECAUSE IT’S BARELY TWO FEET DEEP, WTF, and steps out of it, headed right for Tommy.

Finally succeeding in getting the cap off (way to go, dude) Tommy splashes Jason repeatedly, even though Jason is calming and pointedly walking towards him. The search for matches or a lighter in his coat finally produces… a MATCH BOOK?? Oh right, this is the 1980s.

Struggling to tear off one of the tiny paper matches, let alone light it, Tommy finds Mother Nature isn’t on his side. A flash of lighting and the rains begin, immediately dousing the match. Wah wah wah.

Did we really need the shot of the maggots dripping down Jason’s not-exactly-a-corpse corpse? Really?

Tommy tries again but somehow in the brief two seconds, everything has become water logged, meaning the matches are soaked and no good. But there, in the background! Allen is creeping up behind Jason! He’s got a shovel and he’s gonna use it!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+9)

Allen smashes the shovel against the back of Jason’s skull but it breaks off. Jason calmly turns around and punches his fist through Allen’s chest and somehow tears his heart clean out (I’m 78% certain that’s what’s in Jason’s fist) and Allen is, well, he’s not going to survive that.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+67)

Sorry, Allen, you should have known a good deed never goes unpunished.

Somehow (because the script says so) Allen falls right into the shallow grave and the coffin lid falls closed on him. Tommy is yelling, which of course draws Jason’s attention yet again. So Tommy bolts towards the truck. And it magically starts on the first turn. Right. Tommy speeds away!

Jason, meanwhile, is putting on his faithful hockey mask, because how the fuck else would we know it’s Jason Voorhees? He picks up the metal pole, which has a decorative fluer-de-lis on the end, and poses for the camera with the helpful and artsy crack of lightning illuminating the killer. Multiple cuts move us closer and closer until we’re in his goddamn eyeball, watching his ghostly body walk around and slash the screen. Which sends a jet of violently red stage blood splashing at the viewer.

I guess the title really is Jason Lives but it’s just another thing the franchise has retcon’d so fuck it. Another slash comes under the title card, ala a slit throat, that gushes more red paint before falling away to reveal the Friday the 13th Part VI logo. Geez. That was one of the longest cold openings of this franchise. Am I wrong? [Wing: I don’t know if it’s the longest in the franchise, but it is certainly a long cold opener. I think it could have been trimmed somewhat (maybe fewer Jason close-ups), but the idea is decent enough, I guess, at least as a cold opener.]

Also: HOW HAVE I MADE IT THROUGH FIVE OF THESE SO FAR?? [Wing: You are truly a giver.]

Credits roll, white text on black. Basic but effective! Also relatively short. Well, there’s a plus.

BACK IN THE WOODS… Jason Voorhees, newly resurrected and reunited with his mask, is taking a midnight stroll. As one does. I think he really loves his new weapon, which doesn’t look as melted as the metal pole that raised him from the dead via 1.21 gigawatts, so I’m gonna say it’s a different pole? Not as sweet and slice-y as the machete, but it’ll do. Jason has to have some versatility, duh.

SMASH CUT to Tommy, who stomps on the breaks and runs inside the brick building housing the Forest Green County Sheriff Department. A sheriff at his desk looks asleep, but as soon as Tommy runs in, he’s up and aiming his pistol, causing Tommy to throw his hands in the air and scream, “don’t shoot!”

Tommy immediately lays his cards on the table, saying Jason Voorhees is alive, he’s already murdered Allen, and now he’s headed for Tommy. The sheriff isn’t having it, even threatens to “repaint the walls with [Tommy’s] brains” (WTF) so Tommy doubles down, admitting he dug up Jason to cremate him.

Well, this is enough to ring some bells, prompting the sheriff to ask for Tommy’s name, then remembering that Jason killed Tommy’s mother and friends (I guess that confirms that? I already included Mrs Jarvis in the running tally, so kudos to me!) then, of course, points out that Tommy’s been in psych ward ever since. Ugh.

Just then another sheriff bursts into the room, carrying takeaway boxes and bitching about the weather. Okay. Not satisfied with the level of help he’s receiving, Tommy tries to take matters into his own hands, grabbing a rifle from the unlocked gun cabinet. The first sheriff attempts to wrestle it away from Tommy. He succeeds, shoving Tommy into Officer Rick’s arms, ordering him to lock Tommy in the cell. [Wing: I wish I could say that the unlocked gun cabinet is unbelievable, but I know law enforcement officers to this day who do not properly secure their weapons, so. It’s a shit show. Reader, if we ever meet in person, buy me a drink and I’ll tell you about a particularly obnoxious example of this.]

Y’know, acting “crazy” and panicked? Not really a good way to get these assholes to believe your story, Tommy.

The sheriff says he’s sorry for what happened to Tommy and his family but the locals want to forget what happened, forget Jason Voorhees and his dearest mother. SO THEY CHANGED THE NAME OF THE TOWN! Crystal Lake is no more!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+10)

Because you know that’s going to bite everyone in the ass.

The sheriff tells Tommy to stop stirring shit up, lie down, and sleep this hysteria off. Tommy begs him to go to the cemetery and see the evidence, but the sheriff just threatens to punch his lights out. In the morning, he’ll call the psych ward.

“You’re going to be sorry you didn’t listen to me,” Tommy warns.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+11)

Well, really, Tommy, all this bullshit is your fault. I realize you’re trying to make it right but now you’ve done fucked up and HERE I AM AGAIN.

Meanwhile, OUT IN THE WOODS, a couple are driving along a dirt road, through the forest, with lots of pointed fog and mist. The woman driving isn’t having any complaints, as she holds the guy responsible for this “cow path” they’re on, bumpy and rutted as it is. Guy says this was where a sign directed them to Camp Forest Green is located.

Hm. Changing a name doesn’t change a place. CLEARLY NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THIS RULE.

Oh, ho! These are HEAD COUNSELORS! Oh dear. You’re doomed.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+12)

Oh dear. You’re doomed.

Darren wants to get out and start screaming, but Lizbeth slams on the breaks. “I think we better turn around,” she states. “Because I’ve seen enough horror movies to know any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly!”

I WISH YOU COULD SEE THE UTTERLY SHOCKED AND DELIGHTED EXPRESSION ON MY FACE!! Not only has the movie gone fucking meta on itself, but the redheaded Lizbeth is basically me! [Wing: This is truly a delight!]

Anyway. Sure enough, there’s our pal Jason, standing in the middle of the road with his favorite pole and hockey mask.

Lizbeth throws the old yellow Volkswagon Beetle into the reverse and guns it (man, that car has been in how many of these films now?) Darren yells and she stops suddenly. If she backs into the muddy gully, Darren points out they’ll be stuck. Whoa, this movie is suddenly really self-aware. Wild!

Jason, meanwhile, has not moved.

Darren suggests their new plan: scare Jason out of the road. He thinks if they drive towards Jason, he’ll move, the logic being “no one wants to die”.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+13)

Darren, you’re an idiot.

Lizbeth isn’t keen on the plan (she was clearly last girl standing material there for a hot minute; please don’t blow it) but she goes along with it and starts driving (not that fast) towards Jason. She slams on the breaks about five inches from Jason. “Yeah, that really scared the shit out of him,” she retorts.

My plan? Shove Darren out of the car and drive like hell.

Instead of, you know, doing something USEFUL, Darren lays on the horn. Jason stabs the pole through the driver’s side fender, puncturing the tire. GOOD GOING, DARREN, YOU ASSHOLE.

Lizabeth wants to drive all the way back to town in reverse. Darren instead reveals a pistol in the glove box. OH YEAH THAT’S GONNA WORK.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+14)

Darren tries to tell to alarmed Lizbeth to “stay cool” but she’s all “you ain’t Dirty Harry!” as Darren is exiting the vehicle. Look, just let him die, give Jason an easy victim to target, while you make a getaway, Lizbeth!

Calling Jason a scumbag and aiming a pistol at him? Not the wisest of choices. Jason smashes a headlight just as Darren takes aim (dude is five feet from Jason and I still would bet he couldn’t hit him) but Jason beats him to the punch and quite literally shoves the pole through Darren’s stomach.

Blood splashes onto the windscreen, sending Lizbeth into screaming hysterics. Jason heaves Darren’s body through the air and it sails off into the dark forest.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+68)

You won’t be missed, Darren.

Lizbeth realizes just in the nick of time and ducks, as Jason shoves the pole through the windscreen, shattering it. (Well, that’s not safety glass, is it.) She crawls out the passenger door and into the leaves and mud, trying to go unnoticed. Of course, she’s making too much goddamn noise. Damn, I’m emotionally invested in a character in this franchise! This is a first! (Okay, no, I think I was before, but I’m too lazy to go back and look.)

Falling into a deep puddle and twisting her ankle, Lizbeth panics and scrambles to pull out her wallet (??) and promptly offers all her cash to Jason, who’s standing over her. But then he disappears into thin air, leaving both Lizbeth and I extremely confused.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+15)

It’s never good when the serial killer disappears.

Sure enough, both of Jason’s boots land on Lizbeth’s arms, pinning her into the muddy puddle. SHe screams and he stabs her…I guess it’s in the head?

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+69)

GOD DAMN IT.

We see Jason standing in the puddle, watching the air bubbles escape Lizbeth, her American Express card and cash floating free of her outstretched hand.

MORNING DAWNS JUST LIKE A SMASH CUT on poor Tommy, who’s been sleeping in the jail cell. I was just thinking: how many time jumps has this series had? At least 2 that I can remember. And if we’re supposed to be 20 years into the future (being that Tommy is now an adult) THIS DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THE 1990s I LIVED THROUGH.

Startled awake (probably by a nightmare) Tommy comes to just as a bunch of 20-somethings (who, in reality, are all 30-somethings) come in with the sheriff. The blonde woman, who’s the daughter of the sheriff, interesting, is trying to persuade him to send another deputy to go out and look for Darren and Lizbeth. Seems they never made it back to Camp Forest Green.

(Gee. I wonder.)

So there’s three women and one guy, and the guy looks like a proto-typical mid-1980s dude, with his super torn up jeans, messy mullet, I think that’s eyeliner, and Walkman. Oh lord save me now. He’s actually asking the sheriff to put out an APB on the missing counselors. Oh god, let me guess: does he watch Miami Vice?

Then we learn that one of the counselors is Lizbeth’s sister, and because she and Darren were head counselors, no one knows what to do or how to set up everything, and the children are arriving asap. I have some super bad news, honey, and it’s not about setting up for the little kiddies.

Enter the UNLIKELY VOICE OF REASON WHO IS ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NIGHTMARE: Tommy pipes up that he might know what happened to them, or they might be okay, but JASON JASON JASON!

Megan, the blonde daughter of the sheriff, is immediately interested. The sheriff tells her to stay away, Tommy is “dangerous”. Oh lord. Everything becomes Tommy telling the truth and answering questions honestly while the sheriff lies and attempts to cover up. Bleh.

The sheriff orders his daughter and the other counselors to leave and go back to camp.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+16)

Because we all know that’s the worst place they could go.

Megan tells her dad not to be too rough on Tommy, because he’s kind of cute. Actually, I agree, let’s leave cute!Tommy 3.0 alone.

Because, let’s face it, sheriff dude is a total controlling asshole, he decides to escort Tommy at rifle point to the edge of his jurisdiction instead of calling Pinehurst / Pinewood to come collect him. Oh great. That’s just great. Tommy warns him that it doesn’t matter that the town changed its name; Jason will always go right back to Crystal Lake.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+17)

Over in the cemetery, the local caretaker finds the dug up grave and immediately starts drinking from the bottle of alcohol in his pocket, mumbling about he’s going to be blamed for this. Poor Martin, he’s rambling about deserving the job because he’s a high school graduate (??) and immediately starts filling the hole. He even complains that the morons who dug up Jason couldn’t “stick him back in right”, but that’s really Allen’s foot sticking out of the coffin. Poor Allen.

Jason, meanwhile, is speed walking through the forest. Camp Forest Green is all set up and ready for the arrival of children. It’s been most improved and repaired. A+ plus. The councilors are unloading provisions and supplies, but Megan’s mind is back on Tommy. Lizbeth’s sister is still worried about his weird warnings about Jason and stuff. I guess, in regards to my time jump question, enough time has passed that the parents have told their kids Jason is “just a legend”. But Megan is really questioning what’s truth and what’s fiction.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+18)

The others are also alternately teasing/warning Megan about her “jail bird”, Tommy Jarvis. Like, the what the fuck, people.

Anyway, the film strikes a sudden serious tone, because it appears Megan knows A LOT about the history of Crystal Lake and Jason Voorhees, asking the others what they’d do if Jason really returned, still bent on revenge against those who caused him to drown and those who decapitated dearest Mother Voorhees. (Haven’t we technically established he didn’t drown by now? Also WHY DO YOU KEEP REMINDING ME ABOUT THAT GODDAMN CANOE SCENE THAT STILL HAUNTS ME??)

“I can think of one thing more terrifying,” Megan really has the other three spooked, and points at the arriving yellow school bus. Oh god, children everywhere! Wow, if I give myself a minute to think, I’m pretty sure THIS INSTALLMENT is the FIRST to have actual children campers! Congrats, guys, for making a first in the series!

BACK IN THE WOODS, in some shrubbery no less, some weird nerd in cameo, with safety goggles and what’s probably an airsoft pistol, POPS OUT OF THE SHRUBBERY. Some other dudes in goggles, with airsoft guns, are wandering around. Oh no. No… no, please tell me this isn’t some weird “team building” exercise involving corporate dudes.

Well, called that. AGAIN.

Larry and Stan are attempting to take down the last member of the opposing team. The insurance salesmen are clueless; Larry is bitching about being hungry and wanting a sandwich while Stan tells him that’s his problem, failure to focus. Meanwhile they walk right past Jason Voorhees, who’s probably all what the hell have they done to my precious woods??

Out of nowhere, a blonde woman pops up and takes two shots, hitting Larry and Stan with one paint ball each. They’re out of the game and super pissed a woman took them down. She turns a circle, proving that she wasn’t hit, there’s no paint on her cameo uniform, and she even mentions she took down their target, Burt, already. Yay?

Wait, who’s that stalking through the woods, holding aloft a shiny machete??

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+19)

Of course it’s not Jason, silly. This film is too meta for that. Nope, it’s Burt, the corporate warrior, literally bitching that a woman beat him. Great. Just great. I guess the joke is once you’re hit with a paintball, you have to wear a headband that reads “DEAD”. I guess that’s one way of keeping the game fair?

Burt’s too busy bitching about women not staying in the kitchen, hacking away angrily at vines and branches, to realize Jason has come up behind him. Grabbing the machete, Jason handily throws Burt into a tree, smashing his face into a conveniently carved smiling happy face. Burt leaves a smeared blood print on it.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+70)

Sure.

Jason examines the machete, realizing that Burt’s hand is still holding the handle, his severed arm hanging limply. Oops.

Over on the “main road out of town”, Tommy is driving himself out of town, closely followed by the sheriff. The sheriff and deputy are discussing how badly Jason has messed up Tommy’s mind, and the sheriff admits he’s worried about how far Tommy will go to “prove” Jason has come back.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+20)

Because no one believes the “crazy” person.

Back in the woods, we’re treated to some stupid “comedy” by the second to last remaining player, that nerdy fellow who isn’t very competent in the woods. Yeah. This is like a true hallmark of a 1980s movie. It’s not particularly funny watching him stumble around through the woods, snagging on branches and tripping over roots while trying to “hide” but here we are.

Eventually he trips so badly he loses his airsoft gun. Oops.

Winner winner, chicken dinner! The blonde woman executive is escorting Stan and Larry out of the woods. They begin to discuss the possibility of Roy still being “alive”, though all of them slag on the poor, nerdy fellow. A branch snaps and we’re lead to believe that Roy is hiding just behind a tree. But no. Nope. Not that easy.

Jason drops from high up in a tree, right in front of Stan, Larry, and the blonde woman. Of course they’re all shocked into stunned silence. Jason manages to behead Stan, Larry, and blonde woman with one slash of the shiny new machete he’s acquired.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 3 (+73)

Is that the single highest simultaneous kills? I think it is! This movie keeps setting records!!

Oops, I guess Roy was behind a nearby tree, because now he’s out in the open and Jason is rapidly advancing. Roy is too shocked to run. But NOT too shocked to shoot Jason with a paintball, splattering his moldy shirt with red paint!

Um, go Roy?

His senses regained, Roy FLEES into the forest, screaming for help, as Jason casually walks at his normally supernaturally fast pace. Yes, Jason is going to kill you, Roy. You cannot run fast or far enough.

SMASH CUT to a wooden arrow sign pointing out the direction of Eternal Peace Cemetery. (Doesn’t mention anything about a pet cemetery, but I don’t think Crystal Lake is located in Maine like Castle Rock.) Tommy guns the truck into a hard left turn, taking the dirt road towards the cemetery, closely followed by the sheriff and deputy.

Skidding to a stop, Tommy jumps from the truck and runs into the cemetery, the sheriff and deputy trying to chase him. There is a hell of a lot of wrought iron fencing in this old cemetery, to be honest. Like, giant sections fenced off. Tommy darts between and around them, zigzagging wildly until he is tackled to the ground by the sheriff.

Tommy begs to show the sheriff the dug up grave but, thanks to the caretaker, the dirt is back over the (not Jason’s body, poor Allen) coffin, disproving what Tommy is claiming. Wah wah. Tommy tries to pull free, even though he’s handcuffed.

Which gives the asshole bumbling deputy a reason to pull out his pistol. WHICH HAS A GIANT BLACK LASER SCOPE ATTACHED. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+21)

The giant red dot on Tommy’s forehead is reminiscent of the giant red paintball splotch on Jason’s disgusting shirt, so I’m just sticking it out there on the record that it’s a THEME we’ll revisit.

Martin, the care taker, stumbles into the scene. Apparently said laser sight might be illegal, because the deputy holsters it REAL QUICK. Tommy yells at Martin, asking if he covered Jason’s grave, which of course Martin’s like WHAT?? The sheriff quickly tries to drag Tommy away and keep Martin from asking more questions. Tommy screams for Martin to dig up the grave as he’s pulled away. Martin immediately downs the last of the liquor in the bottle, looking at Jason’s grave, asking aloud, “Dig him up? Does he think I’m a fart head?”

??????

SMASH CUT TO a bunch of children in super stylish mid-80s clothing, screaming “YES!” Apparently Megan is trying to get the girls into the camping mood. Meanwhile, bad boy Cort (oh god, seriously?) is off with the boys, teaching them how to be boy scouts or something. Cort is trying to convince the pre-teen boys that river rocks are “Indian Markers” (??) and this is just descending into really terrible stereotypes. Great.

The blood is still dripping from the now-not-so-shiny machete, as Jason marches through the woods.

Tommy is being dumped at the county limits, and I’m pretty sure threatening him by saying he should be leaving town wearing his “balls as earrings” is something Tommy could sue over, but yeah. The sheriff and deputy leave him on the side of the road. At least they brought his truck along?

DARKNESS FALLS. Martin, drunk as a skunk, is tripping through the woods singing and drinking. Suddenly we’re joining a pair of stereotypical 1980s yuppies. Dude is pouring champagne while the woman admires the giant diamond ring he just slid on her finger. This is a really shitty place to propose, don’t you know.

The dude tries all kind of fake and unfunny excuses — a headache, too much exercise, sex is messy — but then they’re deciding to go at it like rabbits, because this is the woods, don’t you know. What would a Friday the 13th film be without someone having some sex in the woods?

Martin somehow realizes he’s lost the road, just as a rock rolls down the slope from behind him.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+22)

Draining the last of the bottle, Martin promises the liquor that it’ll be the death of him, before he pitches the empty into the air. But there’s no crash, no sound of breaking glass.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+23)

Turning around, Martin yells, as Jason is standing there. Having caught the bottle, Jason smashes it between his gloved fingers before shoving the jagged neck into Martin’s throat.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+74)

That is one very serious anti-litter campaign.

The yuppies pause, hearing Martin’s death screams. Yuppie Steven runs through the woods, coming upon Jason dismembering Martin’s corpse with the machete. Uh oh, Steve, better stay quiet and RUN AWAY!

Too late.

Steven runs away anyway, back to his fiancee. Jason pursues, even though the yuppie couple manage to mount Steven’s motorbike. He quickly dispatches them, shoving the machete through Steven and right into the fiancee.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 2 (+76)

I feel like this mounting body count is pointless. Yet again. Just like the previous installment. There is no purpose to them; they are happening to remind audiences (who don’t need the reminder) that this is a SLASHER FLICK and JASON VOORHEES IS A SERIAL KILLER WHO KILLS INDISCRIMINATELY and PLOT WHAT PLOT WHO CARES ABOUT PLOT???

Bleh.

[Wing: Is this about the time that horror movies, especially slasher sequels, really leaned into violence and gore in place of storytelling, and did that lead to the rise of torture porn horror? I bet someone has written at least one paper on this.]

Right. Still dark outside. The camp is quiet, the campers in their bunks, everything looking tidy and clean. We see the boys nestled in their beds; one has fallen asleep reading comics by flashlight. Another is cuddling a framed photo of his mother. Over in the girls’ cabin, a roaring fire keeps the long bunk house warm. A little girl has fallen asleep writing a letter home to her parents. Another has fallen asleep reading… Jean-Paul Sartre’s No Exit?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Aside from the obvious pun, if the writers think this is funny (and, okay, it is, from a certain point of view, particularly from 2018) I’m pretty damn sure the joke was mostly lost on the majority of viewers. Who (in 1986, as well as now) knows about this play? A summation of said play would be “a depiction of the afterlife in which three deceased characters are punished by being locked into a room together for eternity.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+24)

“Hell is other people”, indeed.

A squeaky noise is revealed to be a really large hamster running in a wheel, while a second hamster is crammed in that tiny wire cage with the first, holy shit, hamsters should not be in that cage.

Oh, look, Jason’s on his way.

We move over to a smaller cabin, which is the counselors’ bunk house. Sissy and Paula are playing cards but Paula doesn’t want to play anymore. Sissy decides to invent a game on the spot: CAMP BLOOD. It’s something to do with the Jack of Spades (aka Jason) while the rest of the face cards are the counselors. Sissy picks the Queen of Hearts to represent herself. (Okay, prediction: her heart gets ripped out by Jason??) Paula is the Queen of Diamonds. You put all the cards together, sort them randomly into piles, and figure out which “cabin” (pile) Jason is in!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+25)

This is a stupid game.

Paula doesn’t seem interested in playing. She wants to know when Megan will be back. Seems Megan has gone to see Tommy in jail (he’s gone, honey, thanks to your dad) and Paula is still really concerned about where her sister Lizbeth is. She also wants to send all the kids home if Lizbeth and Darren don’t turn up by the next day.

Just then, there’s a piercing scream!

Rushing over to the girls’ bunk house, Paula and Sissy are directed to the bed of a long-haired blonde girl named Nancy, who insists a monster was after her and he was everywhere. Deciding she’s had a nightmare, the two attempt to comfort her. (When did this turn into A Nightmare on Elm Street?) [Wing: So many crossovers, so little time.]

Settling Nancy back to bed (and I guess the rest of the girls) the two leave the bunk house. (I realize I should be calling them cabins? Oh well.) Paula remarks she has not seen Cort for hours. Uh oh.

Holy shit I was not prepared. Ugh.

So “checking out things that go bump in the night” is code for “having wild sex in the back of a huge 80s RV with bad shocks”. Cort is getting ridden to heaven, though why he’s still wearing his tank top and the woman is pulling on it in a ridiculous way beats me.

Well, I guess he at least took off those stupid jeans?

Oh god, now the mystery woman is demanding he keep going until the end of the rock song they’re screwing to. Good luck with that. The writhing and movement each of them is making does not match or even look remotely pleasurable but this is a horror film… I’m pretty sure I don’t remember this much of a sex scene in the other films, even though Part IV was supposedly “soft porn in the woods” or some such.

The look on Cort’s face when the mystery woman tells him he’s got to keep it up and not finish for another ten minutes is pretty priceless.

“Is this my nightmare?” the rock singer croons, just as Jason’s hockey masked face comes into view of the camera. OH DEAR. I don’t think Cort’s going to have to hold out for that full ten minutes. Jason is drawn to the RV a’rockin’, and immediately goes over to the power hookup and pulls the plug violently, killing the lights and music inside the RV. Fun time’s over.

Oh yick, Cort finishes because he thinks the power cut is the end of the song. Boy is mystery woman pissed. She gets off Cort to go mess with the buttons up front, fearing that her step-father will be pissed if his shitty RV is damaged. Looking out the window, she realizes the problem, feigns shivering and asks Cort to go plug in the power cord.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+26)

Well, Cort got his rocks off one last time. I guess that means he’s the next to die.

The couple argue and it’s clear this is just some really fucked up booty call, and the mystery date “borrowed” the RV and boy is step-dad Horace gonna be pissed off. Cort goes to pull on the shredded fabric he calls jeans while mystery woman continues to bitch.

Finally outside, Cort slinks around the front of the RV, looking around, heading towards the power hookup. He finds the other end of the plug completely frayed and severed, just as Nikki pops up and scares Cort and me to death. Good job, Nikki.

Nikki takes one look at the shadowy, foggy woods, and decides Cort is right. Time to leave!

But not before Cort is all, “someone’s out there.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+27)

Jumping in the driver’s chair, Cort tries to turn the engine over, only to find it won’t. Not until Nikki flips the switch from AC to Battery. Cort then shows us he cannot drive for shit, while Nikki is thrown all over inside the RV. Wow, what comedy.

Cort guns it down the open road as “Teenage Frankenstein” by Alice Cooper blares on the radio. Nikki is super mad and wants to drive, since Cort is terrible at it, even though the RV is hauling hard and fast. I wonder if Cort is going to “run into” Jason?

Well, I was wrong, for once.

Nikki, who’s finally gotten her feet under her and is walking towards the front of the RV to give Cort a piece of her mind, doesn’t get that far because Jason pops out of the bathroom and grabs her from behind. See, they should have never left the RV, Jason had time to get inside. Morons.

Jason attempts to strangle/choke Nikki, who’s kicking and screaming and literally destroying the tiny bathroom cubicle. Cort thinks she’s just “having fun” and turns the stereo up louder to drown out her screams. Cort you are a terrible lay and a more terrible person.

Wow. In a show of strength (and weird special effects) Jason shoves Nikki’s face into the mirror but shoves so hard her face makes a screaming imprint in the plastic housing of the RV. Okay.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+77)

We may never see her body but I’m going to guess Nikki did not survive that.

Cort, ever the asshole, makes some shitty bathroom jokes, as Jason comes out of said bathroom and silently stalks up towards the driver’s chair. Removing a huge hunting knife from its sheath, we get glimpses of Jason in the rear view mirror, but Cort is (duh) clueless about his impending death.

And that’s when Jason stabs Cort in the ear, Cort slumping to his left, the RV veering off the road and hitting some shrubbery on the side of the road, causing it to fly through the air and land on its side. Okay.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+78)

Cort (and Nikki) will not be missed.

Jason pushes the RV door off, popping up like a demented Jack in the box from hell, as the RV burns around him. Okay. (I keep saying that but I honestly have nothing else to say.)

Back at the sheriff’s department in Forest Green, sheriff Mike Garris (I finally dug up his name) is super mad at his daughter Megan, reminding her she’s the child and he’s the parent. Uh huh. Megan isn’t buying his line that Tommy Jarvis is a “sick boy”. The emergency red telephone rings, Megan grabs it, and it turns out it’s Rick, the deputy with the stupid fake laser sight.

Rick has found the remains of Lizbeth and Darren, and he admits it looks like they were dispatched by someone using “Jason’s M.O.”

Sheriff Garris believes Tommy has killed them to “prove” Jason has returned. Megan taunts her father, saying she thought Jason was just a legend. He leaves to go join Rick, leaving Megan behind. She looks worried yet distrustful.

Tommy! You’ve returned! And gone book shopping? Books about communicating with the dead? The dead being alive? Oh, oh, and the “official” MANUAL OF THE OCCULT! (Does everything have a manual these days? Or was that just in the 1980s?)

TOMMY YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO READ THESE. JUST FIND THE FUCKING INDEX AND SKIM FOR THE IMPORTANT STEPS.

Megan is goofing off in the sheriff’s chair while Jason walks along a lonely road, his best friend Mr Machete in hand. I’m guessing being in front of an open window on the ground floor of a building when Jason is wandering around is a bad idea.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+27)

Or at least the filmmakers want us to focus on said open window, because they’re zooming in on it.

The phone rings and Megan answers it, only to find budding romantic interest TOMMY on the other end of the line! Starting in on how he’s formed a plan (probably only 12% of a plan, tbh) Megan interrupts Tommy to tell him something’s happened and her father, the sheriff, believes he’s responsible. She offers to come pick Tommy up, so the sheriff can’t find him. It’s gonna take half an hour to get there???

She hangs up before Tommy gets another word out. Well, at least time will move much faster then reality, so he won’t be waiting that long.

AH! JASON HAS ARRIVED AT CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE! ONLY TO FIND IT CLEANED UP AND REBRANDED! OH DEAR! THIS WON’T DO!

Like, I empathize, Jason. I don’t want anyone touching my stuff or “reworking” my space, cleaning junk up, etc. Anyone touches my stuff without asking first? YOU WILL DRAW BACK A STUMP.

Ahem.

Well, there’s nothing left to do but mosey on in and trash the place back to your liking, Jason. That grouping of signs — “friendliness”, “sportsmanship”, “integrity”, “courage”, “self reliance”, and “tolerance” — they mean NOTHING. How dare these stupid, pure-hearted interlopers instill values into small children while camping in the woods!

Also, not sure that giant WELCOME sign over the door is for Jason, but we’ll just pretend it is. It’s much more funny in an ironic way, that way.

BACK TO THE WOODS! Officials are cleaning up the murder scene. Darren or Lizbeth’s bloodied body, hidden by a sheet, is being loaded into the back of an ambulance. Sheriff Garris is more than ever bound and determined to pin this on Tommy Jarvis, demanding a fifty mile radius be combed and road blocks and I’ll just say he wants a BOLO but then someone yells for him. This can’t be good.

Uh oh. Deputy Rick, laser sight asshole, has found the remains of Roy. Well, more like Roy’s leg and his very smashed glasses. Oh, and there’s an arm, and bloodied googles.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+79)

Roy = confirmed kill at Jason’s hands.

Deputy Rick says he’ll order some body bags (trash bags would be easier, IMHO) and Sheriff Garris is utterly certain that Tommy is insane and murdering to “prove” his lies about Jason being back. Rick points out, IN YET ANOTHER INSTANCE OF META AWARENESS, that it is Friday the 13th.

AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Jason slams the machete blade into a wooden post, severing some kind of bell system. I can’t tell if it’s alarms or the telephone lines or what. Imagine, for a moment, Jason having to sever, say, a WIFI CONNECTION. In some ways much more easier then old analog systems, I guess.

Anyway, no one’s going to be able to raise help when Jason starts slashing.

Paula’s asleep but Sissy is awake and reading some sort of gossip rag (that’s what we had to do when we wanted the tea, kiddies) and listening to a Walkman. A shadow falls across her face, drawing her attention.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+28)

Peering out the window with the curtains open (DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THE IMPORTANT LESSONS ABOUT DRAWING CURTAINS THIS FRANCHISE HAS TAUGHT US??) Sissy sees nothing in the woods. Wait, is that window open?? Oh dear.

A noise draws Sissy’s attention and she yells, waking Paula, who insists it’s likely just Cort and to “teach him a lesson”. So Sissy grabs an open soda can and dumps it out the window… I guess supposedly on the head of whomever might be crouched under it?? Weird.

But Cort does not yell, or appear. (Well, duh, but Sissy doesn’t know what’s already happened.) Edging towards the window, it only takes a split second for Jason to grab her and pull her outside. Her stupid oversized bear paw slippers fall off. She scrambles to try and get away but Jason turns her head around under her neck snaps.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+80)

I honestly thought Sissy stood a chance as a potential “last girl” but I was wrong. AGAIN.

Paula is awakened by the noise. Man, we down to ONE counselor. Those poor children. Where’s Tommy and Megan (WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE IN CAMP) when you need them??

Thinking Cort and Sissy are goofing off, Paula admonishes them to “not wake the kids” before she settles back into bed. Boy Jason looks REAL SURPRISED at the notion there are CHILDREN IN HIS BELOVED CAMP.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+29)

Oh! Megan has finally arrived to collect Tommy! We must be entering the last third of the film. Tommy is trying to take charge, insisting that he’ll “borrow” Megan’s car and deal with Jason alone. Megan’s more like, shut the fuck up, dude, hide your truck before the cops find it, and let’s go kill Jason together!

Well, this will end… somehow.

Megan is showing some great potential as a possible “final girl” here. Tommy, at a loss for words and the wind knocked out of his man-splaining sails, goes to hide the truck. Megan 1, Tommy 0!

Oh, no, those poor hamsters, again. [Wing: Who brings pet hamsters to camp in the first place?!]

The girls are all sound asleep as Jason wanders by the windows, carrying Sissy’s decapitated body slung over his shoulder. All asleep but Little Miss Nightmare, who is awakened by Jason’s shadow through the window. Uh oh.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+30)

Megan, gunning the Camero down the road, passes a “? SPEEDING ?” sign. (Is this supposed to be funny and/or meta?) Oh shit, they’ve hit a police roadblock. Megan, looking panicked, stomps on the breaks and the car squeals to a stop. She yells at Tommy to get down, pulling him so his face is, literally, in her crotch. Like the filmmakers actually FILMED A SHOT OF HER TIGHT JEAN COVERED CROTCH. UGH.

Throwing it into reverse, she guns back down the road, the officers in pursuit, while “Hard Rock Summer” by Alice Cooper blares in the background. Man, this is when music really became important to these films. One of the officers radios Sheriff Garris and pretty much informs him his daughter is fleeing from the roadblock. Oops.

This news throws Sheriff Garris into madness, making him insist they take extreme care with catching Megan, because if Tommy is with her, he’ll surely hurt her. Megan, meanwhile, whips the car around and fishtails a bit, trying to get to a shortcut where she knows she can lose the cops. She, also, once again shoves Tommy’s face in her crotch (that’s TWO completely unnecessary crotch shots in this film) and tells him to stay down. I might at, at some point they got all the supplies Tommy needs.

Just as Megan finds the turn and makes it, she comes to a skidding stop sideways, boxed in by another pair of cop cars blocking the road. Oh, and it’s Sheriff Garris, a shotgun pointed at his daughter. WAH WAH.

“End of the line,” Megan sadly informs Tommy.

BACK AT CAMP, Jason’s machete is really bloodied now. He’s headed back to the counselor cabin, where Paula sleeps unaware, the rotary phone on the bed next to her. Somewhere between the outside and inside of the cabin, the machete has switch hands and also become way more bloodied. Who the fuck failed at continuity??

Paula awakens and sees the machete, crying out as she turns the light on…

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+31)

…only to reveal Little Miss Nightmare has the machete and is blurting out some crazy story about seeing someone outside the cabin window. Paula actually takes the machete and puts it on the ground beside her bed, explaining that this is all some elaborate joke being played by Sissy and Cort, because “grownups like to be scared”. Um.

Then she decides she and Little Miss Nightmare should go find Sissy and Cort. Uh.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+32)

The focused, pointed shot of the bloodied machete on the cabin floor says it all. That and the fact we see Jason observing them from the woods.

Over at the sheriff’s department, Sheriff Garris has super had it with Tommy. He even makes it clear he wishes Tommy was dead. Megan isn’t buying it, insisting he call the camp and check, but Sheriff Garris insists the phone lines are dead, because the camp didn’t pay its bills. Man, for being willfully ignorant and pinning the blame on an (semi) innocent man, clearly we’re all supposed to fucking despise Sheriff Garris.

I’m okay with this.

Just then a call comes in on the emergency line. Cort and Nikki… well, their bodies… have been discovered. Sheriff Garris tells Megan she’s grounded and that Tommy is a psychopathic killer and that all this Jason nonsense is lies. Tommy wants to know when Cort and Nikki were killed, Megan finally getting an answer from her father.

Which, of course, proves Tommy has an alibi, since he was with Megan.

WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAH.

Of course Sheriff Garris doesn’t believe a word and orders Rick to lock Tommy up, before he leaves to head to the crime scene. Megan is helpless as Rick throws Tommy into the cell.

Tucking Little Miss Nightmare back into bed, Paula offers the suggestion of saying a little prayer and closing her eyes, as a way to keep the frights away. All the while not knowing Jason is standing just outside the fucking window, staring in. (WHY ARE THE CURTAINS NOT CLOSED??) He actually walks along side the building, watching Paula leave.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+33)

Paula seems to sense something is wrong but never looks to her left, which would mean she’d fucking see the serial killer. She makes it outside and hears the cries of a hawk, before another noise draws her attention. Jason has seemingly disappeared…

Paula runs back to her cabin, to find the door open. (YOU SHUT THE DOOR, DO YOU NOT REMEMBER?) She tries to make a phone call but the phone’s dead.

Oh, and the bloodied machete is gone, leaving a giant bloodied print on the floorboards.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+34)

The door bangs open from the “wind”, Paula slowly approaching it. She’s smart enough to be wary but as she tries to close it, Jason barges in and starts hacking her to death. Her body falls through a window, breaking it, Jason pulling her back into the cabin.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+81)

Man, there is zero creativity to these deaths. Oh, and bye, Paula. Now you’ll find out what happened to your sister, Lizbeth!

Rick’s fat fist smashes a giant bug on a piece of paper, forcing him to clean it off, since it’s a report of some sort. He looks up to check on Megan, who’s sitting in a chair beside the jail cell, a huge pad of paper in her lap. As soon as Rick looks away, she shoots a rubber band at Tommy, getting his attention and showing him the plan she’s written out on the paper.

Tommy doesn’t want to play along. Megan writes some more. Tommy changes his mind and asks Megan what she’s drawing, which means Rick tells him to shut up. Tommy fake insults Megan, who throws the pad of paper at him, which he pulls into the jail cell. This is a stupid plan, but I guess it’s stupid enough for stupid Rick to fall for.

Megan rushes the bars and the two start fake kissing but suddenly Megan is real into it, which surprises the fuck out of Tommy (and me.) Rick finally notices them making out, rushes over, and yells at Tommy, forcing Megan out of the way. Which gives Megan time to take his gun (and that fucking stupid laser sight) out of its holster (wouldn’t it be secured in some fashion?) and aim it at Rick, giving him a “funny red nose”.

She forces Rick to open the cell (somewhere during this, the red dot goes MIA, what is continuity??) and Tommy forces Rick to take his place, locking Rick in. The two escape, Megan revealing she has a second set of keys to the Camero hidden in a hide-a-key box under the left wheel well. Tommy takes them, insisting she cannot come with him. Megan gets in the car and slides into the passenger seat. Well, well, well.

Megan tells Tommy he can drive while she navigates. I think she’s got you there, Hot Lips.

On the way to Camp Crystal Lake Forest Green, Tommy reveals we’re far beyond shooting Jason and putting him down like Old Yeller. Nope, Jason has to be returned to his grave the way he went to it: VIA DROWNING IN LAKE FOREST GREEN CRYSTAL LAKE!

Apparently no one’s told Tommy that Jason didn’t actually drown? I dunno. I think this franchise is confusing and shooting its canon to pieces constantly. So I’ll just go with it. Like I have any choice.

Jason opens the door to the cabin, looking for a minute like Michael Meyers, what with the leaves blowing in through the open doorway. (Actually, I’ve only seen Halloween once and I don’t remember any of it, so that could be me mis-remembering.) The hamsters are too busy fighting over the wheel to notice and none of the campers are waking up.

Not that there’s anyone in camp to help them at this point.

Jason makes his way to Little Miss Nightmare’s bed, finding her awake and whimpering. He slowly approaches her bedside…

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+35)

…but we smash cut to a cop car, its lights on, entering the camp grounds. Another follows. Looks like Sheriff Garris might have grown a brain cell and started to take things seriously?

Jason is leaning ever closer and closer to Little Miss Nightmare, who squeezes her eyes shut and starts praying. The sound of a car door slamming draws Jason’s attention and he disappears, leaving Little Miss Nightmare to believe Paula’s advice works.

Sheriff Garris offers the deputies to nose around while he breaks the news about Cort, Nikki, Lizbeth, and Darren to… well, no one, but he doesn’t know that yet. Okay, never mind, he knows now. Sheriff Garris has just discovered the counselor cabin is literally painted with Paula’s blood.

One of the deputies is busying checking out the dock. Oh god, not this again. Jason watches from the bushes, before popping into view just as the deputy shines his flashlight on him. A quick toss of a knife, sinking it into the deputy’s forehead, knocks said now-dead deputy into a canoe.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+82)

Why we needed a close-up of said knife in the forehead, I dunno.

Sheriff Garris finds the occupants of the boys cabin all fast asleep, before he runs the path through the woods and finds the same in the girls cabin. Until he notices that LITTLE MISS NIGHTMARE’S BED IS EMPTY!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+36)

That’s gonna look REAL BAD if you lose a child to a resurrected ax murder fiend from hell, Sheriff Garris!

The other, still alive (for now) deputy is poking along by what looks like a covered wood storage thingy (it’s not a shed; I’d call it such if it were) when he hears a noise. He even goes so far as to draw his pistol and order whomever it is “out of there” — what he means, the woods or the wood pile, I am not sure.

SUDDENLY HE IS GRABBED

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+37)

around the leg by a hysterical Little Miss Nightmare. He tells her to go back to bed but she’s crying and talking about a scary man — JUST AS JASON POPS OUT OF THE BUSHES! LMN (I’m tired of typing that out) runs away while the deputy fires multiple shots point blank into Jason’s chest/torso.

Yeah. Here’s proof Tommy’s right that ordinary bullets will not kill Jason, if you needed it.

Jason just saunters closer and grabs the deputy’s head, squeezing it until there’s a crunch sound and he drops the body. Like, okay, are we even trying anymore with these deaths? Or are we just going for maximum body count?

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+83)

Now we’re down to what, just Sheriff Garris? And two cabins full of pre-teen children? THIS BODES WELL.

Speaking of, Sheriff Garris retrieves his rifle from the cop car, leaving the door open. He soon runs smack into LMN, who’s still hysterical and probably a witness in the other deputy’s murder. He tries to tell her everything’s okay but then realizes all the occupants of the boys cabin are awake and on the steps, staring at him. Putting a plan into action (probably less than 12% of a plan, TBH) he leads the boys over to the girls cabin and tells everyone to “lie on the floor under the beds and don’t come out until I come back!”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+38)

This… this is a very shitty plan.

Granted he could have had them run off into the woods but that would be even more shitty, so I guess we’re working with what we’ve got but under the beds? Jason has killed people hiding under beds, HAS HE NOT?? (I’m not spending 10 mins going back to check every recap I’ve done. I’ll just safely assume that to be true.)

Kids scurry, leap, and dive under beds. One girl is smart enough to take the hamsters’ cage with her. Another grabs a Raggedy Ann doll that’s been carelessly dropped. Sheriff Garris leaves them headed out into the night, rifle loaded.

He better hope his daughter and Tommy show up real quick.

Wandering around the building Sheriff Garris trips, falling partly onto the other deputy’s body. I’m not certain, because it blips by real quick, but is that a giant pile of snot oozing out of his nose? Because that’s more disgusting then the obviously fake blood on his face. Either way, Sheriff Garris jumps up real quick with a scream, wiping the blood from his cheek…

…and practically backs into Jason Voorhees himself!

Backing up real slow, rifle aimed at Jason, Sheriff Garris faces off with the serial murderer whose existence he denied. Jason stands there, a silent sentinel, bloodied machete in hand.

Jason raises the machete and Sheriff Garris blasts him in the gut with the rifle, knocking Jason into the air before he falls back onto the dry grass, his arms above his head, the machete knocked free. [Wing: Head shot? What’s a head shot?]

Then Sheriff Garris does ONE OF THE FIRST AND FOREMOST THINGS YOU NEVER DO IN A HORROR MOVIE: approach the “dead” body!

(I am NOT counting this as a death, because we’ve already seen Jason take half a clip of bullets and not die, so there’s no fucking way this worked either. IF ANYTHING, I HAVE LEARNED THAT FROM WATCHING THIS FRANCHISE.)

Jason gets up twice and gets shot twice more with the rifle. Then it jams as he’s up for a third time, forcing Sheriff Garris to use his service pistol. He fires four shots; the fourth hits Jason in the forehead but the mask protects him. Wah wah. [Wing: Bullshit. I do not for an instant believe that mask is bullet proof. And yes, I realise this is a ridiculous thing to get caught up on, but come on, movie.]

Throwing his gun down, realizing how fucking useless it is, Sheriff Garris begins to run away into the woods. Jason calmly and doggedly pursues at his steady, casual pace. Just then, Megan’s orange-red Camero pulls into the camp behind the cop cars. LOOK! THE CALVARY HAS ARRIVED!

Tommy busies himself with gathering the supplies to send Jason back to hell while Megan runs over to the counselor’s cabin and discovers the remains of Paula and all her blood dripping on the walls and floor. She screams for her father. Sheriff Garris happens to be busy fleeing Jason, the one person he said wasn’t real!

Megan bursts into the girls cabins, making all the children scream, but she assures them everything will be just fine.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+39)

Tommy, meanwhile, runs down to the dock and discovers the deputy’s body in the canoe. Oops. Pick another one quick, Tommy! We discover a length of thick chain in the burlap sack is what Tommy’s been carrying around.

Meanwhile, Jason comes to an abrupt stop and slowly looks around. Sheriff Garris is hiding in the shrubbery! Get him! Also, Megan is trying to adult and directs the kids to hide under the beds again while she goes and finds her daddy, the Sheriff! Then we’ll all go home and forget this never happened, and repress all these memories!

One boy asks another what he thinks. “We’re dead meat,” the other boy replies.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+40)

Fucking so meta, this movie, it’s so self-aware.

Tommy is busy rolling a very fake rock, which hardly looks real and/or heavy, down by the lakeside. He hears Megan yelling “Daddy!” and shouts for her to use the radio and to also call for an ambulance!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+41)

A) the radio will draw Jason’s attention smack to where Sheriff Garris! (DO IT! DO IT!) and B) yes, bring MORE PEOPLE to Camp Forest Green to die! Good idea!

Megan runs to the cop car but as she opens the door, Sissy’s head falls out, scaring her. Oops. She stands there and keeps screaming, begging for Sheriff Garris to show up and help/save everyone. This gives a chance for more stupid self-aware humor, as one boy asks the other, “what were you going to be when you grew up?” Ahahahaha.

Sheriff Garris finally hears the screams of his daughter, but so does Jason, who immediately heads in Megan’s direction. A father’s love drives Sheriff Garris out of the shrubbery, tackling Jason and pinning him to the ground before he starts kicking the ax murderer in the ribs. He hacks at Jason with the machete before finding a large rock and smashing it into the hockey mask, repeatedly.

Not effective, what so ever.

Jason finally gets a hold on Sheriff Garris and snaps his arms and bends him backwards until there’s a sickening snap and crack sound.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+84)

Well, You Tried, Sheriff Garris. I really pity the town, since this means dumbass Rick will be acting sheriff now. Oh god, who will save them from that?!

Tommy now has the rock in the canoe, with Megan’s assistance. She’s still yelling for her father. She demands Tommy help her find Sheriff Garris, but Tommy is focused on wrapping the chain around the rock and padlocking it, to use as a weight to drown Jason. When everything is ready, he begs Megan to go back to the girls cabin and stay with the kids, “before it’s too late!”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+42)

SMASH CUT TO THE CABIN DOOR EXPLODING AS JASON WALKS THROUGH IT, THE CHILDREN SCREAMING IN TERROR.

Megan runs through the woods in her pricey suede boots, just as Tommy starts yelling for Jason. Who pops right out of the window/wall of the cabin, making Megan scream. Jason grabs her head and starts to squeeze but Tommy’s shouting and calling of his name distracts Jason. With a smack to the face, Jason knocks Megan to the ground and takes off for the lake, where Tommy is waiting in the canoe.

Well, the kids might survive this one.

Speed walking to the water’s edge as Tommy taunts and calls him “maggot head” (??) Jason walks right into the water. Tommy has the chain ready to throw over Jason’s head but Megan’s screams distract Jason. Okay, like, ADD much?

Jason, up to his chest in the water, is torn between going after Tommy or returning to kill Megan. Decisions, decisions.

I guess the fact Tommy’s taunts grow meaner, even daring to call Jason a “pussy”, is enough, because Jason continues into the water towards the canoe. He’s up to his chin now. Tommy watches, chain in hands, as Jason finally sinks below the small, choppy waves. Uh oh.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+43)

Everything’s dark and Tommy can’t see where Jason’s gone. These 12% plans suck, man.

Seeing the gas can in the front of the canoe, Tommy drops the chain and uncorks it, tossing gasoline onto the water’s surface on either side of the boat. OH THIS WILL GO SO WELL. He finally finds a match and lights the gas, which is in a very specific circle with a lot of space on either side of the boat (STAGED) when air bubbles begin to rise to the surface. Tommy readies to drop the chain around Jason’s neck…

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+44)

…when Jason comes leaping up from the water, BEHIND TOMMY.

Duh.

A pathetic struggle ensues. I guess the crackling sounds are the wood canoe splitting under the weight of the giant fake rock. Tommy keeps trying to get a hand on the chain but can’t. Megan watches the struggle from land, crying at Tommy’s almost certain demise.

Well, look, honey. Tommy is the one fully responsible for BRINGING HIM BACK FROM HELL.

In a stunning move, Tommy manages to knock Jason overboard and into the water. He grabs the chain and readies again. This time Jason pops up in front of him, but now Jason is ON FIRE!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+45)

Throwing that in there, since one of the installments is Jason Goes to Hell and traditionally there is fire in hell.

Tommy succeeds in getting the chain around Jason’s neck and somehow pulling it tight (makes zero sense how that’s possible, from how it looks) but Jason won’t go quietly… OR ALONE!

Throwing himself into/onto the canoe, Jason cracks it and it starts to fall apart. Megan screams. The giant rock sinks to the bottom of the lake, landing on the old Camp Crystal Lake sign, that has been gratified with Camp Blood in red spray paint. Convenient.

The rock does its job, trapping Jason from rising to the surface. But Jason still has a hold on Tommy, keeping him under the water (which is ridiculously clear, can we say SHOT IN A TANK?) as he struggles to free himself from Jason’s grip.

Yawn.

Tommy finally seems to go unconscious, the last air bubbles escaping his lips, and Jason lets go, having succeeded in killing the man who killed him two movies ago.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+85)

Releasing Tommy, Jason watches the body float towards the surface. Megan cries. LMN asks, “is he killed?” Megan, suddenly aware that she’s surrounded by CHILDREN, tells them to stay put. She runs towards the lake. Jumping off the dock, she swims out to Tommy’s body. I guess this proves she had lifeguard training?

Of course, because HE’S NOT DEAD, Jason grabs her ankle and tries to drown her. Good job, Megan. Tommy’s body floats away but Megan struggles to get to the canoe, which I forgot to mention has an outboard motor attached.

Pulling the cord, it fails to catch and start, Jason still pulling on her ankle. In a series of cuts that gives ZERO REPRESENTATION OF DISTANCE AND SPACE, Megan somehow starts the motor and turns it, directing the propeller to chop at Jason’s head/neck, which of course it does. Like, what the fuck.

The water turns bloody and mixed with chunks of flesh. What, is this Jaws: The Revenge now?? [Wing: All the crossovers.]

Collecting Tommy’s body, Megan swims to shore, as the propeller really chews into Jason’s neck until we hear a snap and see his head fall at an awkward angle underwater.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+86)

Not entirely sure this is going to work but for the moment, Jason’s dead. Again.

On shore, the children run to see Tommy’s body as Megan arranges him on the sand. She performs a poor and slow version of CPR on him, like, what the hell, his head isn’t even tipped back properly and there’s no chest compression or counting!

One hard smash on his chest, out of sadness and anger, and Tommy is spitting out water and coming to!

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+2)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+85)

Okay, that’s a “miracle” in the sense that it was written to happen in the script, not an actual miracle.

The children cheer and Megan embraces her Hot Lips jailbird probably soon to be boyfriend! Tommy declares everything over, Jason is “home”, and just like that, the last of the gasoline burning on the lake goes out. Uh huh.

A fade cut takes us to the lake during the day, the water calm and peaceful, as the camera zooms in. Below the water, Jason’s chained body floats. A closeup on the eye hole in the mask reveals he’s not dead. His pupil widens and the lids move, proving

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+3)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+84)

FADE TO BLACK, CREDITS ROLL! “He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask)” by Alice Cooper plays and I cry, because I have six more films to watch before I am finally free of Jason Voorhees. [Wing: I should not be as entertained by your impotent rage as I am, and yet, here we are.]

Final Thoughts

*takes a long sip of Vanilla Coke, gathers her thoughts*

I guess, if I’m being kind, this made up for the absolute shit fest that was Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. That one was just all sorts of super awful bullshit that I’ve tried to forget. Not that this one had much of a plot either — raise Jason from the dead by accident, spend whole film trying to kill him YET AGAIN, fake succeed, leave door open for another installment — but I will not complain about the eye candy that Tommy became. Thom Mathews was pretty fucking cute back in the day. (I have a type. I cannot escape it.)

Although this installment once again continued the pointless and repetitive mass deaths formula as previous installments, I guess upping the ante with children being at stake (which was just a fake out in the end) was different. I can’t remember children being in any of other films, at least not at the camp, since young Tommy just lived in the woods with his family.

Still don’t know how they’re handling the time jump. Or if they know anything about spacial awareness. Or how they’re going to handle Jason just floating below the surface. Being that the next installment is subtitled “The New Blood“, (didn’t we have A NEW BEGINNING already??) I guess I’ll find out, in December.

I would feel remiss in not stating that, because I have reached the halfway point in this recap series, I rewarded myself. Mostly because I walked into Target and found this Jason Voorhees Funko Pop vinyl figure sitting all by his lonesome on the shelf. I’d half promised myself I would buy one upon completion of all twelve films but the opportunity presented itself much earlier. [Wing: Ahahahaha, he’s adorable. I love him.]

The irony being that I didn’t look that closely at the Pop figure, only finding out when I opened the box for the photo at the left that this particular Jason Voorhees is the one from this installment of the franchise. Talk about really weird kismet.

Oh well. At least I have tiny!Jason to keep me company through the last six of his adventures. Going to need a lot more Vanilla Coke, though.

Y’know, having gotten through this one, I’m not sure I really have anything more to add. The creativity is getting much weaker, the body count is growing steadily higher, and I don’t think I have anything to show for it. Well, except tiny!Jason.

Calling this a wrap for now. Will the locals go back to calling the town Crystal Lake? Or will they continue to bury the past, now that Jason’s “finally” dead? Will Tommy and Megan hook up and possibly re-team for Part VII? (I honestly don’t know, don’t tell me!) What new horrors and stupidity await me in the next installment? Find out in December when Let’s Do It!: A Virgin Does Horror! returns! [Wing: CANNOT WAIT.]

PS: CLOSE THOSE CURTAINS, JASON MIGHT BE LURKIN’!

Final Counters

Crystal Lake Body Count: 84
Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 45
He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 3