Title: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Summary: A high school senior class trip turns into Murder Party Massacre and ends with Jason taking out his issues on New York City’s sewer system.

Tagline: New York has a new problem (I would argue that in A.D. 2020, NY has a much different problem then a serial mass murderer, but, then again, a virus without a cure is in its own way a serial mass murderer… never mind.)

Notes: I honestly thought the prior installment would break me, what with its super poor handling of mental health. I was wrong. This was the entry that completely broke me and made me so angry.

Initial Thoughts

Virgin’s back! And so soon after the previous installment! I know, I’m shocked, too. But, seeing that we (as of this writing) have been in some sort of lock down / self-isolation / quarantine mode (future readers, this was written in 2020) I don’t have a lot to do other then recap. Yeah, I could do the dishes, probably do some laundry, but I’d rather spend my day with that lovable scamp, Jason Voorhees! [Wing: After this movie, I’m not sure you would, really.] Who, apparently, gets to go on a wild field trip! Being that half the films seem to be centered around New Jersey, and some confusion on whether some are in California, I guess going to the Big Apple makes sense?

Getting Part VII: The New Blood finished and posted (thanks to Wing’s help) on its release date (the thirtytooth anniversary) [Wing: I still cannot believe I did that. Readers who missed it, my tweet about this said “happy 32th anniversary” because I am an idiot. Virgin saved the day with her pronunciation.] injected, well, new blood (I’m sorry) into my quest. Yeah, I’m on the downhill slope here, sliding towards one of the ultimate crossovers in recent cinematic history, and when this installment is done, I will only have four left, two of which are still considered “in franchise” (Jason takes another field trip and X marks the spot?) then we hit the crossover, then finally the reboot. I’m not sure why this series needed to be rebooted but I guess I’ll understand whether or not that was a good idea when we get there.

So! New York City! Everything I know about the Big Apple is either through films from the 70s-80s-90s or TV shows that are “set” there but really filmed in Canada. I can say, with honesty, that it’s never been my desire to go there. Like, I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity but I wouldn’t say it’s in my top ten. Or my top 50, either. Just thinking about the city makes me feel claustrophobic. [Wing: I like NYC, but I would never live there. Even if it were more affordable, the sheer number of people and gigantic buildings is just too much. I love cities, but that one doesn’t work for me. (Also, I will never live east of the Mississippi River again if I have my way.]

This installment dropped July 28th, 1989. Which is not remotely a Friday or the 13th of a month. After the fiasco that was The New Blood, Paramount knew it needed to cover its sins tracks as fast as possible. The wiki tells me this was the most poorly-performing film in the franchise in box office take (uh oh) and people really love or hate it. Sounds like The New Blood all over again. I think, honestly, that could be said of almost ALL the sequels. People either love or hate ’em.

Okay, put on your life vest, it’s time to take a sea cruise with Jason Voorhees! Let’s Do It!

Important note! Remember, I am rolling over the body count from each of the previous films recapped, so that will be reflected in the counter and final tally.

Recap

We open on the Paramount logo (spoiler: the last film in the series to be released by Paramount until 2009), the stars swirling into place as the voice over stretches out the name “Jason” until it makes my ears want to bleed.

Fade to black. Slow dissolve into shots of New York City alight at night, the glow of the lights on bridges and illuminating skyscrapers. 1980s NYC! Oh goodie, we get voice over narration! (Ugh.) “It’s like this: we live in claustrophobia.” OH YOU DON’T SAY DIDN’T I JUST SAY THAT’S EXACTLY WHY I DON’T WANT TO GO TO NYC?? [Wing: I guess at least the narrator is aware of that claustrophobia?]

“Trapped by dark waters. There’s no escape. Nor do we want it!” Um. I dunno. I’m not a New Yorker. I’m sure there’s truth to that statement, though.

We’re doing a weird, slow montage of “HERE THIS IS NEW YORK CITY WE’RE ESTABLISHING THAT AS THE SETTING SEE YOU KNOW THIS IS TIMES SQUARE!” when the title card comes up: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII JASON TAKES MANHATTAN

(But, but, where does he take it? On a date? Out to lunch? To a matinee performance on Broadway?)

This voice over is not selling me on New York or this film. We’ve gone to traffic flowing through Times Square to a four guys dressed as punks (one even has the requisite mohawk) lounging around on some concrete planters. They are so nonchalant, sharing cigarettes, like what the hell? How is this supposed to put me in the mood for an undead serial killer movie? [Wing: Well, the punk montage of The Lost Boys worked to set the mood, maybe they were hoping to capture that sort of thing?]

Now it’s random trash-filled, graffiti-covered alley with requisite smoke/steam. And some kind of song? Is there a theme song for this installment?? *checks wiki* Oh god, there is. “The Darkest Side of the Night” performed by Metropolis , which wasn’t officially released in any physical way until 2000. That… forgettable, huh.

The credits are white type with heavy red drop shadow / outer glow, like shit I could make in five seconds in CS6. C’mon, graphics department. Also, welcome to Vancouver, British Columbia, CANADA, as the bulk of the movie was filmed there. See, this shores up my theory that ALL THINGS ARE TRULY FILMED IN CANADA.

OH OH! WE’VE MOVED INTO THE ARTSY “LOOK AT THIS DRAMATICALLY TILTED MANHOLE COVER WITH STEAM RISING FROM IT” PART OF THE OPENING MONTAGE! TAKE IT IN! IT’S SO 1980S!

[Wing: TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES! TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES! TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES! TURTLE POWER!

Oh, wait, wrong franchise.]

Another alley, with more smoke/steam, a discarded bicycle, and a man in business attire walking down the empty broken street. Two punks run up behind him and beat him while the camera pans to the right. The punks robs him and run away, one stopping long enough to empty the leather wallet of cash before throwing it into a convenient rusted oil barrel. Which is full of nasty looking water, from which a rat pops up. Poor rat. I hope you were well treated on set.

Jump cut to a diner! Yeah, seeing a sewer rat floating in filthy water in a rusted oil drum really brings out my appetite! A waitress pours coffee for a woman wearing crocheted granny squares that have been made into a coat. The old woman keeps demanding the waitress fill the cup to the brim. This is weird. Another jump cut and we’re in the subway. A fish-eye lens has been employed. For some reason, and not just because I know it to be the case, this particular subway doesn’t feel “New York”-y at all. The graffiti feels polite. I don’t know. I’ve developed this weird sixth sense about things filmed in Canada.

Now we’re riding on an actual subway car and again THIS DOESN’T FEEL REMOTELY LIKE NEW YORK, IT’S TOO CLEAN. You either have really amazing set dressers and art directors who make your film feel like the real thing or… you get this…

SMASH CUT TO AN ALLEY WHERE DUDES ARE COOKING / SHOOTING DRUGS! (Yes, much New York.) Maybe it’s because I’ve watched Trainspotting too many times but that dude standing next to the fire in the oil barrel with his spoon full of drugs held over the burning candle in his other hand… I don’t buy this. It’s all stilted and set up!

OH REQUISITE ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY AT NIGHT

Finally, the screen rolls over to black. This establishing montage took three minutes. Three minutes wasted.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+1)

Really, I’m counting that because it was all foreshadowing for the film being set in Vancouver New York City. Because honestly the film makers are trying to make New York City a character unto its own for this film and I’m not sure they’re going to succeed? Are they trying to say that NYC is tougher then Jason Voorhees and will survive him? No wonder everyone seemingly hates this film.

Final credit goes to Rob Hedden, who not only wrote this film but subsequently directed it. Welp, this is ALL YOUR FAULT, ROB. (“Wow, how prescient of me!” – Future!Virgin)

We fade up to a view of Camp Crystal Lake, from the water of said lake. It’s night, lights are on in the buildings. A very large boat floats into view. Now, I don’t know shit about boats but this one is very large. Has a large cabin and I guess it would be maybe a cabin cruiser? Please don’t yell at me. The interior of the cabin in lit and we head inside to find a couple making out while listening to radio station WGAC out of New York City. Okay.

“This request is going all the way out to Crystal Lake, to the senior class of Lakeview High.” Like, how did anybody know they’d be listening to the radio? Also, wow bimbo, glad you took note of the request being for you? Lakeview High seniors are graduating on the 13th of the month! Congrats!

Wait, what? “We wish them the best of luck when they come to visit our seductive city.” WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, RADIO DJ VOICE OVER DUDE? [Wing: I mean, maybe it is wooing Jason from afar?]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+2)

Uh oh, sinning is about to happen! Sexy times ahoy! Somebody better hope Jason is down in his watery grave and doesn’t hear you! Seriously, there’s so much curly/frizzy hair going on between this couple, I’m not sure where one ends and the other begins. (Star and Michael, is that you?)

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+3)

WE AREN’T EVEN FIVE MINUTES INTO THE FILM AND THERE’S ALREADY BOOBS. Side boob, yes, but this is has got to be some sort of record or milestone. Giving the teen boys in the audience their fix already, huh, ROB?

HUH. WAIT, WHAT. Dude stops mid removing her panties to say, “Gotta throw the anchor over.” Even I know that’s what that literally means and isn’t an allusion to putting on a condom. What the fuck. [Wing: Why wouldn’t you do this earlier?!] There is a literal shot of the anchor being dropped into the water. I guess that’s good, boat safety first! But, oh dear, that anchor just got dropped on A HUGE ELECTRICAL CABLE BUNDLE THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE AT THE BOTTOM OF A LAKE. WHERE’S JAWS? IS THIS FILM LITERALLY LIFTED FROM JAWS 2? (“Wow, yet again, prescient! I’m on a roll!” – Future!Virgin)

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+4)

Let me guess. Anchor pierces the electrical cable and causes Jason’s waterlogged corpse to (yet again) be reanimated? HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE BEEN ELECTROCUTED BACK INTO EXISTENCE, WING? [Wing: The fact that the answer is more than zero is a real damn shame. Except that we get these amazing recaps out of it, so keep electrocuting him to life, movies!]

Jimmy leans over the rail to make sure the anchor dropped, before climbing back down into the cabin, where lady love is waiting under the massive overstuffed comforter. He graciously pulls the curtains closed. How thoughtful. Jimmy seems hesitant and the girl calls him out about it. “It’s just that we’re right around that summer camp where all those murders took place.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+5)

FIRST OFF, IF THIS IS A LAKE, I DON’T KNOW HOW THEY GOT A CRAFT THAT LARGE INTO THE WATER BECAUSE I’VE NEVER SEEN A BOAT RAMP IN THE VICINITY THAT COULD AFFORD THAT HAPPENING. SECONDLY, IF IT’S A LAKE, IT’S NOT LIKE THERE’S A WATERWAY TO ACCESS IT WITH A CRAFT THAT LARGE SO YOU CAN SAIL RIGHT ON IN OR RIGHT ON OUT FOR THAT MATTER. I AM CALLING SO MUCH BULLSHIT ON THIS PREMISE.

Secondly, I got to thinking. Why is is “Jason Takes Manhattan”? Shouldn’t a better title be “Jason In Manhattan”? Or perhaps “Jason Tours Manhattan”? [Wing: Like I said, Manhattan is wooing him from afar. This taking is in the biblical sense.]

ANYWAY, Jimmy must know he’s about to die or something. I mean, he is in a Friday the 13th film.

Oh my good lord, the girl doesn’t know the legends/stories/whatever of Camp Crystal Lake?? YOU’RE GOING TO PUT OFF SEX TO BEG TO BE TOLD ABOUT A BUNCH OF VICIOUS MURDERS?? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? (Okay, I get excited as the next woman about murder mysteries and whatnot but c’mon, film, be realistic.) YES FORGET ABOUT IT, SUSIE, THE GUYS IS DEAD NOW. HOW COULD YOU BE MORE PROPHETIC, JIMMY, SINCE WE NOW SEE THE ANCHOR DRIFTING INTO THE POWER CABLE AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS (VERY CLEAR EVEN FOR IT BEING IN AT NIGHT) VERY LAKE WHERE THE BODY OF SAID KILLER RESIDES!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+6)

You’re an idiot, Jimmy. Why? Because instead of going for the nookie, Jimmy goes for STORY TIME and tells Susie all about a boy named Jason Voorhees who drowned in Crystal Lake “about 30 years ago” (OKAY I SEE WE HAVE ABANDONED TIMELINES AND RETCON’D ALL KINDS OF SHIT TO BE HERE TODAY) and they shot new footage of a new body portraying Jason (who looks normal and not remotely special needs) drowning in said lake. So the story goes, the counselors didn’t hear Jason drowning and he drowned and everybody forgot about Jason and quote, “THAT’S WHEN THE MURDERS STARTED HAPPENING.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+7)

My brain is broken.

I mean, props to the film for not going the utterly shitty route of using footage from previous installments, that was getting so out of hand by Part VII, if I’d seen it at the beginning of Part VIII I might have screamed myself unconscious to avoid it. But this also seems to, I dunno… let me watch some more before I continue my train of thought.

Susie thinks Jason responsible but no, Jimmy says it was good old Mommy Dearest Mrs Voorhees who killed the counselors but she “got her head chopped off”. He says legend “has it” that Jason came back to “get even”, and “vowing to kill every teenager in the area” and that – at random – the murders start up again.

Okay, so, progress! Film has acknowledged prior films, the events in those prior films, and given us a reason for Jason’s serial murder tendencies. Good, good.

Now, while Jimmy has been talking, we’ve been floating underwater to show the cable drifting towards the remains of a familiar wooden dock, crushing down on a body that has chains around it. OH I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE.

Your dad did a shitty job of finishing off Jason, Tina.

Jimmy finishes his tale by telling Susie to forget about it, they’re just stories, as he gets into bed. FUCK YOU, JIMMY.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+8)

This really is like Jaws 2, the power cable is caught on the obviously sharp point of the anchor, all of which has drifted into the remains of the dock that cover Jason’s corpse. Only no shark.

Jimmy and Susie has resumed their making out. Jimmy really doesn’t seem all that into Susie.

FINALLY! By sheer PLOT SAYS SO the current (?) underwater makes the anchor tug so hard on the power cable it snaps, sending (fake) blue electricity along the cable into Jason’s corpse! At this point, I am ready to call Jason the Energizer Bunny, because seriously. Jolt after jolt slams into Jason’s corpse, causing sparks and illumination under the boat, even some smoke. Wow. The power goes out at Camp Crystal Lake.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+9)

Susie flips down the comforter. “DID YOU HEAR THAT?” Jimmy at least does the courtesy of saying he’ll go check things out. Dude. Die already.

Underwater, chains are falling away and landing on the disintegrating dock while a REALLY FUCKING CHEESEY “HA HA HA!” sound comes from, well, obviously Jason. He’s swimming away, raised from the dead AGAIN.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+10)

Next we see Jason’s green slime’d and soaking wet hands close around the rail of the boat. The fun’s about to begin!

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+1)

Susie hears creaking noises and calls for Jimmy but no answer. Look, I’m pretty sure these kids are borrowing this boat, because it’s too fancy and expensive-looking for high school seniors. At least Susie has the smarts to put her clothes back on before getting up to look for her wayward lover.

Nearing the… um… boat’s wheel? Suddenly! Jason steps in, WEARING A HOCKEY MASK THAT WAS DECIDEDLY REMOVED FROM HIS FACE IN THE PRIOR FILM AND THIS ONE LOOKS DIFFERENT FROM THAT ONE, SO DOUBLE FAIL, and he immediately stabs Susie in the stomach!

Susie screams and we can see the hand isn’t gloved and is in fact, dry.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+11)

Fuck you, Jimmy.

Susie is not amused. She doesn’t say anything. Just stares at Jimmy in exasperation. Now they’re suddenly headed back to bed and what was with the purple briefs thing for men in the 1980s?? Like why??? They’re totally the same as Marty McFly’s! But anyway, Jimmy admits he’s a “major ass” and Susie makes him promise he’ll never do it again. Ugh.

Jason reaches in and takes the hockey mask. Well, a point goes to the film makers for answering the question before I had to ask it. Jason also manages to enter the downstairs cabin without attracting attention or making noises, and finds a handy-dandy spear gun, preloaded with a three-pronged spear!

Oh dear, now that Jimmy is clearly turned on by psychologically torturing his girlfriend by fake attacking/murdering her, he’s really into foreplay. Too bad Jason showed up to witness this, because we all know how Jason feels about sex. The camera slowly pans up to show Jason on the steps, cocking the spear gun.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+12)

Susie finally sees the 6-foot whatever monster standing there, pointing the spear gun at the couple. She cries, “Jason!?” but Jimmy’s focus is elsewhere. Jason fires the spear gun and the spear sinks into the wood paneling just next to Susie’s head. She flees through the open window that’s covered by the curtain made of fabric with ships on it. Jimmy stays put and for his trouble, Jason punches the spear gun into his gut.

Jimmy groans in pain and holds up his bloodied hands, this is taking extra long for him to die. He has enough strength left to wipe his bloodied hands all over the window as Susie runs by on the deck outside.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+102)

Bye, Jimmy.

Jason pries the spear from the wall. Then we smash cut to him popping out on deck. A closed hatch is shown, implying Susie is hiding inside it. WHY DIDN’T YOU SCREAM FOR HELP? WHY DIDN’T YOU JUMP OFF AND HIDE IN THE WATER OR SWIM TO SHORE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+13)

We watch Jason slowly thud his way around the side of the boat until he comes to the hatch, which he opens slowly. Hi, Susie! Susie cries out, “No!” as Jason slowly (and my god, is he ever slow, what the fuck) lowers the three-pronged spear towards Susie’s body. Then he rams it in. It takes a whole 30 seconds to finish Susie off. Then Jason closes the hatch and the screen wipes to black.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+103)

WHAT THE FUCK, MOVIE. We aren’t even 12 minutes in and there’s two deaths and some vague story about graduating seniors on a trip and Jason being raised from the dead and some retcon’ing of prior movies but okay it’s better then the shitty cold opens and the recycled footage openings. I GUESS I CAN’T BE TOO PICKY HERE.

TIME JUMP? IT’S DAYLIGHT! AND A LOCATION CHANGE! YET AGAIN THESE FILMMAKERS DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH TIME.

We see a dock. There’s like a storage barn warehouse thing, and a car parked on the dock, and people. NOW THERE’S AN ACTUAL SHIP! Like, a big ship. I don’t think you’d call it a cruise ship, it doesn’t look like one of those modern behemoths with 20 decks. This is… well it’s a passenger vessel. That’s the best I can do.

It’s called LAZARUS. HA, HA, HA.

A really old (well, when viewed in 2020) maroon BMW pulls into shot, driven by a typical Eastern seaboard well-to-do white suburban mother. A teenage girl rides shotgun. DOGGIE! DOGGO! THERE’S A DOGGO IN THE BACKSEAT! AWWW!

There was some hairstyles that really scream whatever decade they trended during and mom and daughter are rocking more of that dried hair gel curly/frizzy ‘dos that even I couldn’t escape from. Geez. Mom silently hands over a blue velvet box. Is it jewelry? Nope.

It’s a blood fountain pen. Oh Christ, “Stephen King supposedly used it in high school.” WHAT THE HELL. Yes, let’s drag King into the film. (I will check the wiki and the IMDb articles for WHY this happened after I finish the film.) “I dunno what to say,” daughter mumbles. I wouldn’t, either. I can barely get through most of King’s fiction so this does not impress me. (Hey, don’t @ me. I know he is adored. He is just not my cup of tea and that’s perfectly valid.) [Wing: It is perfectly valid and also perfectly wrong. (I kid, I kid.) Dove and I love his work.]

WAIT WAIT WAIT HOLD UP “BEST STUDENT”??? YOU’RE NOT HER MOTHER??? AND YOU’RE GIVING HER AN (SUPPOSEDLY) EXPENSIVE COLLECTOR’S ITEM??? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

“If anybody can make use of that pen, it’s you.” OH. OH LET ME JUST INSERT THIS HERE.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+14)

Because, surely, it will be used as a weapon against Jason in the next hour or so. [Wing: Death by pen!]

Student and teacher hug. I still want answers on this! But they’ll have to wait, as that boat from last night has just sailed into port (?) and an old deckhand has noticed it. We even get treated to Jimmy’s bloodied hand print on the window. Old deckhand guy drops his mop and leaves. Me, too.

Back on the dock, this is the aforementioned cruise for the senior trip. (I have thoughts about this; I know it used to be a thing, senior trips, and I can say I “technically” took part in a beach retreat for all high school grades the year I was a freshman – it was hella awkward because it was a fundamentalist Christian school and there was a tragic incident that claimed the life of some of my former classmates so we all got the news while there and yeah, but I digress. I don’t think senior trips are a thing nowadays, post 9/11.) [Wing: We never had them when I was in high school. There are still school trips around here, but mostly tied to activities (band, sports, languages, etc.). I wouldn’t have been able to afford a senior trip even if we had one, though.] Colleen, the teacher who spent big bucks on that alleged King fountain pen, wanders up with her bags towards the ship. Dude in suit jacket, clearly the principal, lectures her that this trip was her idea so she should be on time.

Hm. Is he going? All I wanna know is if he’ll die soon.

Colleen inquires if all students have signed in. Nope, no sign of Jim Miller or Susie Donaldson. Oh dear. Well, if you look at that cabin cruiser over there, the one with blood on the windows and the corpses…

“They probably decided to explore each other rather then New York.” Wow, Colleen is a progressive teacher who isn’t clueless about teenagers. She may survive this!

Principal dude complains they’re five minutes behind and starts to board when Colleen says someone else is coming along. It’s Rennie, receiver of King’s alleged fountain pen! And DOGGO??? NO! NO, DOGGO NOT GO ON CRUISE! DOGGO MUST BE PROTECTED.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+15)

If that doggo is hurt or killed, I’m going to be so fucking mad. [Wing: Burn. It. Down.]

Principal steps aside to let Rennie board, hanging back to complain to Colleen. Collen counters that it’s Rennie’s choice. PLOT TWIST: Rennie lived with the Principal! Whoa, whoa, I NEED ANSWERS HERE WHAT IS GOING ON WHY DOESN’T RENNIE HAVE STABILITY??

“I am her legal guardian! I know what’s best for her! End of discussion!”

“No, I think it’s just the beginning.”

Oh Colleen, what is going on here?! I NEED ANSWERS, YOU STUPID MOVIE.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+16)

Up on deck, in the… um… damn it, I don’t know nautical terms well enough… OH! Oh the bridge! Up on the bridge, Admiral Robertson has decided to turn over departure protocol to his son, Sean. WHO IS A FUCKING TEENAGER AND NOT REMOTELY IN THE NAVY. To be fair, Sean doesn’t want this responsibility, even though his (obviously best) friend is all whoa dude you’re in charge now. Admiral Robertson hands over a wooden chest containing a sextant as well as a modern handheld… navigation device? I mean, Admiral Robertson literally prefaced the gift as “something old and something new”. He could tack on “something borrowed”, since he used them, but “something blue” is not accounted for NOR IS YOUR SON GETTING MARRIED, OR IS HE? [Wing: ‘e’s married to the sea ‘e is.]

Taking this way too seriously, I don’t know how the fuck this is even legal, Sean is asked again for his plan of departure. He immediately gives orders to start the engines and swing a 180. This is apparently wrong because Admiral Robertson goes into DAD MODE and calls him out. Admiral Robertson angrily pulls the chain for the horn, which blares loudly. He orders for the international maritime signal to be given followed by a radio broadcast to inform other ships they’re sailing. I’M LOST. I’M PRETTY DAMN SURE SEAN HASN’T ANY REAL CLUE ABOUT SAILING EITHER AND THIS IS JUST ADMIRAL DAD PROJECTING HIS DREAMS UPON SEAN.

Sean leaves the bridge. Friend is left standing there, awkwardly holding the box. I guess Admiral Robertson is going to have to resume his command.

MEANWHILE, DOWN IN THE WATER, JASON POPS UP AND GRABS A ROPE HANGING OFF THE SIDE OF THE BOAT. So, now Jason, undead and all, knew how to sail a boat and somehow got off said boat, and swam through the water to sneak aboard a much larger passenger vessel, and NOBODY NOTICES.

Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Sean walks down the stairs to the next deck, to be confronted by the ship man we saw witness the cabin cruiser sail in. “THIS VOYAGE IS DOOMED.” he informs Sean ominously. Ralph! Ralph, is that you?? (I’m going to point this out, the scenic view off the ship is VERY OBVIOUSLY VANCOUVER. I know, I’ve sailed through there.) Sean agrees but has no idea what he’s really agreeing about.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+17)

Whistle’s blowing, it’s time to depart! Students throw streamers over the side of the deck and I can’t help but notice that THERE’S VERY FEW PEOPLE SEEING THEM OFF ON THIS “SENIOR TRIP” and there’s really not a lot of seniors onboard. Jason won’t have much to do, er, kill.

And now it’s montage time! All these teens are playing shuffleboard or lounging in deck chairs (it is NOT sunny and NOT summer, it looks like it’s fucking freezing, hello Vancouver!) There’s skeet shooting off the bow and now there’s some kind of dance, complete with really bad late 80s clothes and hairstyles. You can see the 90s creeping in, no lie. I LIVED IT, I REMEMBER.

Back out on deck, Sean is being a total creeper, standing there watching a couple kiss. Dude, stop it. He turns around and finds Rennie, compete with DOGGO. OH MY GOD WHO ALLOWED DOGGO ONBOARD, THERE HAS TO BE SOME SORT OF RULES, HE’S NOT A SERVICE DOGGO.

Sean crouches to pet DOGGO while saying he’d heard Rennie wasn’t coming. “We changed our minds.” I think she means her and DOGGO. “I got you a present.” WHY IS EVERYONE GIVING RENNIE GIFTS??

Rennie opens a small black velvet box. Inside is a gold Statue of Liberty charm on a chain. Buh? Rennie takes it out and makes Sean put it around her neck. “I thought, when we got there, we could hike to the top of the Statue.” Sean says. Okay, back then, sure. Now? Especially right now, no dice. [Wing: Not literally right now, of course, but outside of a pandemic, you can still climb to the crown, which is generally what people mean when they say the top.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+18)

This is the second pointed mention of the Statue of Liberty, so we know something is going to go down at that location.

Of course Rennie thinks hiking 22 storeys to the top of the Statue of Liberty sounds wonderful. But here’s actually-not-the-principle but actually-the-biology-teacher Dr. Charles McCulloch – YES I LOOKED IT UP, I KNOW, I BROKE MY OWN RULE – to cockblock interrupt things. He tells Sean his dad has been looking for him. Wah-wah. Man, I just wanna say, all these hairstyles are so perfectly early 1990s it hurts me to look at them. Sean takes his leave and McCulloch moves in to be an ass and ask Rennie why she’s even here. “I’m sorry uncle Charles,” oh god, well, I knew she lived with him and he announced he was her guardian but ugh.

McCulloch says he’s not upset he’s “concerned”. Okay.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+19)

Yeah, because you know he’s going to blame Sean for something later on in this film and it won’t be Sean’s doing, it’ll be Jason’s, duh.

We switch to a viewfinder shot as if someone is taking photographs, which indeed, they are. Oh wait, sorry, it’s VIDEO! We’ve got a videographer, ladies and gents! That’s what we used to do before everyone had tiny pocket computers that take video. Someone was assigned to lug around a heavy “home video camera” and film all kinds of events. [Wing: I have such fond memories of being the one lugging around the camera in the 90s.]

The camera pans away from spying on Rennie and McCulloch to turn 180 degrees to focus on… some chick playing guitar? Oh, yes I guess that’s what we’re going for! She’s playing along to the music, even though the guitar is clearly not plugged into an amp and there’s no drum set anywhere. Sure. Sure sure sure sure.

The wannabe Joan Jett – I’m calling it now, she’s totally Wing’s type [Wing: I mean… She is, of course, Virgin knows me well. And I have lots of types, so it’s a pretty easy call most of the time.] – wails away on her flying V axe – oh my god she just totally yelled, “Is this axe awesome or what!?” – while nerdy, thick-lensed glasses wearing videographer stares in awe. Why did it have to be pink and black? WHY NOT FLAMING CHEETO ORANGE AND BLACK??

Oh, okay, sure, now we see guitar girl turn off a tiny amp with a cassette deck in it, stopping the music. It’s implied the guitar is plugged into it but I don’t buy it. Nerdy vidoegrapher says it’s so cool that J.J.’s parents came through. J.J. mentions something about a “power area” downstairs (?) where they can get “supreme echo”. Uh huh. Makes my ears bleed thinking about this.

I will just parse this down into cohesion because, lord. Apparently Wayne (I honestly thought she said Dwayne) has a huge stalkerish crush on Tamara and J.J. has been friends with him long enough to know about it and call him out on it. J.J. believes Tamara is a user and isn’t remotely interested in Wayne, only what he can do for her. Well, okay, J.J. is probably smart and wise here. Will Wayne listen? Doubt it.

“She’s sexy.” WELL. HOPE YOU DIE IN AN INTERESTING WAY, WAYNE.

Wayne leaves J.J. and her amazingly crimped hair – I haven’t seen that much crimpage since I used to crimp my own hair – and J.J. starts going below deck, down into the bowels of the boat. She passes through a doorway while we focus on another door creaking open, to reveal Jason’s very soggy boots. Man, I’m gonna kinda be mad when he does in J.J. so quickly.

Up on deck, McCulloch is about as pleasant as ever, telling Rennie there will be a big storm tonight and OH YOU’RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE. What?! What the fucking fuck mistake is she making!? I hate this stupid trope, stop alluding to it and just fucking tell your audience!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+20)

Throwing that in there because of the storm bit.

Ugh, condensing again. Rennie is “scared” of something but doesn’t know why or how long she’s been afraid of “it” so she thinks she’s facing… whatever it is. OKAY. THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.

Down below decks, J.J. surveys the stairwell of the ship and announces it’s “aching for a video”. Yes, I agree, Wayne is an asshole. J.J. slams the tape into the cassette deck / amp, hits play, and starts to jam on her bitchin’ axe with her back to the stairs. Uh huh.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+21)

They are not even trying to be subtle about setup in this one. Sigh.

J.J. is playing along to a song entitled “Broken Dream“, which was created for the movie and sung by Terry Crawford but it was never formally released. Bummer. It isn’t terrible. Of course, J.J. has the music cranked up so loud only the audience can hear the clank of Jason’s boots on the metal decking. He clomps slowly down the stairs, giving J.J. AMPLE TIME TO TURN AROUND AND/OR HEAR HIM, but J.J. continues to rock out. I would feel bad but this is just stupid.

OH FINALLY. J.J. turns enough to see Jason, takes a second to realize something is very wrong, then screams. We smash cut to… are those vent pipes? I don’t know what it is, it’s gotta be a vent or something like that. Anyway, her scream echoes up it and we see a deckhand hear it. He looks around wildly but does nothing.

Meanwhile, J.J. is trying to flee Jason. Feedback echos off the metal walls as she goes down to the next lower deck, but Jason is there to smash her with her killer axe. There’s blood all over the cracked screen, as if he’s bashed in the viewer’s skull. Okay.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+104)

I doubt we’ll see a body but maybe later? Bye, J.J. [Wing: sigh]

In her cabin, Rennie sits poised with her new “Stephen King priorly owned” fountain pen, a jar of ink, and a fresh empty notebook. She doesn’t write anything, just asks the dog if they should have new experiences to free their minds or whatever. The doggo has a bandana! He is fashionable! [Wing: Come live with me, doggo! I will give you all the cute bandanas you want.]

We cut over to Jason, who is now on the outer deck, clomping his way towards Rennie’s porthole? That sounds bad. He peers inside and we get more shitty bad guy POV (ugh) of the dog laying on the bed while Rennie changes. This goes above and beyond because it is implied Jason has entered the room which he has not. We hear a distant cry of “Mommy!” before Rennie turns around and looks at the porthole window, seeing nothing outside it.

Also, those are some hideous drapes.

Rennie and the doggo stare at the porthole, Rennie slowly wandering over to it, that Statue of Liberty necklace in prominent view. Suddenly, there is a child pounding on the glass, trapped under water, yelling for help. Rennie does nothing, just freezes. Doggo, also known as Toby, whines and barks, before scratching the cabin door open and fleeing. Doggo must smell Jason.

Down in the ship’s… gym? a bunch of the male students are crowded around watching two of them box. Yay. We pan up and above, watching through the skylight, two female students. One looks bored, the other looks… smug?

There is more boxing. Yay. The dude losing looks up long enough to see the girls watching before he is totally KO’d. Blonde smug girl announces that Julius, the victor, is the only senior she’d consider “doing it with”. Uh huh. We all know how Jason feels about sex. That’s just putting a giant target on your back.

Also. Didn’t we just have a blonde female character who targeted the “hot” guy to fuck in the last film?? Because we did. Get a new trope. Write different characters.

Their discussion of Julius’ hotness is interrupted by a… deck hand? I dunno, he’s an adult. He’s obviously part of the ship’s crew. The girls stand up and flip their hair back and look “hot” and get attention for it. Deck hand wanders off with a smile. Blonde taps her ugly box purse and says she’s off for some recreational activity. I HOPE JASON SMITES THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.

Wayne and McCulloch nearly collide in the narrow, wood-paneled stairwell. McCulloch asks if Wayne has seen Rennie. Wayne thinks she’s downstairs. “Senior predictions started five minutes ago and she hasn’t showed up yet!” OH MY HORRORS, FIVE MINUTES LATE, SHE MUST BE DEAD OR MAIMED OR SOMETHING. Ugh.

“Maybe some of us don’t want our futures predicted.”
“In your case, I’m sure that’s true.”

Wow. Way to be an asshole, McCulloch.

Back to blonde bitch and her friend. She’s chopping out a single line of milk powder coke and she can’t even cut it right, let alone make a goddamn line. I’VE NEVER DONE COKE AND I COULD CUT A BETTER LINE. Good lord.

She’s so bad at this, she offers the first snort to the friend, who basically declines. She’s afraid if they get caught, she’d lose her science scholarship. Suddenly Rennie wanders in. “Have you guys seen my dog?” [Wing: YOU’VE LOST THE DOGGO ALREADY I WILL BURN IT ALL DOWN FOR HIM.]

“No, we haven’t. Care for a hit?” Wow. Just wow. Rennie declines and leaves but now blonde is suspicious of her, wondering if Rennie will ‘narc’ on them. Having myself been in situations where I’ve “walked in on things” and kept my mouth shut, I’m pretty sure Rennie isn’t going to tattle on the twits.

Rennie leaves the engine room and slowly wanders around, whistling. Look, if you’re actively looking for a dog loose on a ship – yeah, I know technically it’s different from looking for a dog that’s run off on land – I think you’d be a bit more… energetic about it? Rennie moves around like she’s still lost in that weird vision or stoned.

She pauses a moment before walking down the hall. The camera pans to the right to reveal Jason, boots squelching on the carpet, has finished with J.J. Jason has come from the GAMES ROOM, which… I’m pretty sure there were a bunch of guys playing pool in there not long ago. Uh oh.

The camera follows the sound of… a razor blade tapping on glass? What the fuck?? How else do you describe that noise? … into the engine room. Blondie is closing her purse, saying something about now it’s time to party. SUDDENLY JASON MCCULLOCH APPEARS! The girl jump up, the mirror shattering on the flooring.

“What are you doing in here?” McCulloch asks suspiciously. “Are you girls *pause* using drugs?”

Huh? What? I mean, if you’re McCulloch and obviously suspicious of every little thing students are doing AND the fact there’s a small square mirror shattered on the floor, maybe you infer that drugs are being used? I dunno. It’s not like the girls have white powder around their noses. This seems like a huge leap for McCulloch to make for an accusation. [Wing: On the other hand, it is the 80s. Maybe assuming coke is just a good plan.]

The friend plays the ‘do I look like I’d do drugs?’ card before saying they’re just exploring the ship. McCulloch informs the blonde, Miss Mason, he’ll be at her stateroom in 15 minutes to see her completed biology project, otherwise he’s calling her parents. And what? She’s on a fucking ship to New York City. What are they going to do??

“They’re out of town,” she shrugs.

McCulloch says in that case, she’ll remain aboard the ship while her classmates explore the sights. Wah-wah. After McCulloch leaves, blondie states she has him covered but his “narc’ing bitch” niece is another thing. She mentions that rumor says Rennie is afraid of the water.

SMASH CUT to a dude wearing only a white towel dipping water from a bucket onto hot rocks. It’s sauna time! I honestly don’t know who it is; dude has a cross tattooed on his upper right arm but he’s got a towel over his head, which he moves to cover his face as he lays on the bench. From outside the sauna, we hear heavy footsteps approach.

Jason silently pushes open the door but the film wants viewers to believe that the dude in the sauna doesn’t hear the heavy fucking footfalls of a serial killer. Sure, Jan. Jason eyes the hot rocks.

“Nice fight, Julius,” comes a voice from under the towel. Jason picks up one of the rocks, which sears his mangled glove. Dude under the towel says there’s no hard feelings that Julius beat his ass and maybe they should go track down the “babes”. Jason takes a few steps over, breathing heavily under the mask. Towel boy suddenly realizes something isn’t right. But too late. Jason plunges the hot rock into his abdomen, which shoots a bit of flame? as the guy starts to scream.

Although we do not physically see it, we watch Jason really shoving that rock around in the guy’s body. What the fuck. Finally Jason stops, lifting his hand, which is smoking. Guy has stopped screaming, obviously dead, but now the rock is higher up in his chest cavity. WAY TO KEEP ANY CONTINUITY, MOVIE.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+105)

So long, unnamed towel boy.

Up on deck, Colleen is walking with Rennie, asking if Rennie’s having fun yet. Rennie looks shell shocked AF and there’s no sign of Doggo. Colleen can tell Rennie isn’t having fun. I mean, the audience can tell, it’s fucking obvious.

Colleen pulls the if Rennie can’t trust her, then who can she trust card, which, ugh. Blondie and friend wander over and suddenly, without any warning to the point of making any sense, blondie SHOVES into Rennie, sending her flying overboard. Rennie screams as she sails through the air.

Wow. I didn’t expect blondie to be so fucking brass balled.

[Wing: I didn’t expect knocking Rennie overboard to be so damn easy.]

Colleen stares in horror as she watches Rennie hit the water, before she turns and stares in angry shock at blondie and her friend. The friend is horrified, realizing blondie is a fucking psycho, while blondie swears to Colleen it was an “accident”. SURE, BITCH.

Rennie furiously dog paddles in the water. Colleen is moving too slowly for me to buy this as believable, as she finally gets a life ring and throws it to her drowning student. Also, it’s very fucking obvious this ship isn’t moving at all. It has remained in the same place as it was when Rennie went in the water.

Here’s also where I call this movie out for being so fucking fake. There is a rope attached to the life ring. Colleen doesn’t tie it off on the rail nor hold onto it, she just tosses everything overboard. Nor does she call for help. She just yells down to Rennie to grab the ring and stay calm. I CALL UTTER BULLSHIT SHENANIGANS ON THIS SCENE.

NO ONE IS RUSHING AROUND, NO ONE IS CALLING FOR HELP.

Blondie wisely takes off from the scene of the crime, leaving her friend staring in open-mouthed shock. Rennie flails around but never gets a hold of the life ring. Instead she is suddenly pulled underwater. A child appears, the one from the vision, tugging on her ankle, dragging her deeper towards a watery grave.

Rennie screams but barely exhales any bubbles. She frantically tries to swim towards the surface but the boy has really got a hold on her. Finally, at the last second, she swims free and surfaces. That’s at the same time as Sean takes a flying leap off the boat and lands in the water, struggling to swim in his leather jacket. He grabs Rennie and they make it safely to the side of the boat.

BUT STILL, NO ONE HAS RAISED AN ALARM ABOUT SOMEONE OVERBOARD, NONE OF THE CREW ARE RUNNING TO HELP, NOTHING. FUCK YOU AND YOUR INACCURACY, MOVIE.

Blondie and her friend are out of the way, blondie announcing that was an excellent time. She wants to go check out the waiters. Her friend, who apparently has grown some sense and reason in the past five seconds, decides to pass. Blondie takes offense, announcing “some friend you are”. Bitch, you just tried to kill a classmate.

Meanwhile, Sean and Rennie are climbing the ladder up the side of the boat. I love that the camera “rocks” to pretend the ship is sailing, what a fucking joke. Colleen helps Rennie onto the deck, where she practically lays down. Some other students wander into the scene. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE CREW?!

Colleen directs Sean to get towels. DUDE JUST SAVED HER AND IS GASPING FOR AIR BUT YOU CAN’T ASK THOSE RANDOM STUDENTS WHO WANDERED INTO THE SHOT? Wow, I didn’t think this movie would break me so fast so hard but I’m fucking pissed off now.

Looking at those random students, Colleen announces Rennie is fine and for them to go back to whatever they were doing. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. WHAT THE ABSOLUTE ACTUAL FUCK, MOVIE.

I have put up with a lot from this franchise but this is fucking egregious.

Rennie clings to Colleen’s leg, panting. Colleen strokes her hair and laughingly says, “Care to talk about it?” YOU KNOW WHAT, I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FUCKING MISERABLE WAY, COLLEEN.

“I can’t swim,” Rennie chokes out softly. “No kidding. Have you thought about taking lessons?” Colleen chuckles. YES, I HOPE YOU DIE SO PAINFULLY IT MAKES ME LAUGH.

[Wing: What the ever loving fuck is wrong with you, Colleen?]

McCulloch finally shows up – who told him about the “accident”?? – and immediately rushes over to his niece. He practically pulls Rennie to her feet as Colleen says Rennie is fine. McCulloch chews Colleen out, saying she’s done a fantastic job of supervising just as Sean rushes in with… bath towels? McCulloch grabs them, doesn’t even unfold them, just pushes them on Rennie’s shoulders. He demands Colleen and Sean stay away from his niece. For once, I agree.

Sean looks heart broken as McCulloch stomps off with Rennie in tow. “He’s come back! You’re all gonna die!” The weirdo deckhand announces, blocking the top of the stairway. Ralph? Is that you??

Rennie pushes away from her uncle, demanding he leave her alone, while McCulloch and the deckhand exchange… odd glances. Because whoever wrote this fucking sucks. Entering a bathroom, her missing doggo totally forgotten, Rennie looks into a mirror. Turning on the faucet, the water near-instantly turns to blood (yeah, guess that one a mile away) and Rennie holds up her hands and screams, just as the mirror explodes from within and a mottled-grey dead hand reaches through and grabs her around the neck.

The boy, who is now dry, has a very obvious facial deformity. I don’t know, I didn’t see it in prior instances, so I’m just confused. Smoke fills the bathroom as purple lights flash, Rennie extricating herself and falling to the floor unconscious as the boy yells for help.

This is just… bad.

Everything goes back to normal, the water running into the sink, as Rennie looks at the mirror.

Someone is knocking on a cabin door. Blondie calls out seductively that the door is open. McCulloch walks in, announcing he is in no mood Miss Mason’s stall tactics, he’s here to see her final project. MISS MASON IS DRESSED IN JUST A BATHROBE, SITTING ON THE BED, BEFORE GRABBING A SECOND CHAMPAGNE FLUTE AND WALKING OVER TO MCCULLOCH. She asks if he wouldn’t like champagne first, calling him by his given name. What the actual fuck is going on here.

McCulloch grabs both flutes and demands to know where she got the champagne. She claims to have packed it, “for us.” He announces she is not to leave the ship until they return home. Either this is an elaborate bluff to cover his ass and he’s really having an affair with blondie or he actually means it. I’m honestly not sure. Neither he nor Colleen should be teaching students.

Blondie counters she hasn’t shown him her biology project before she starts to undo her robe, turning her back on McCulloch. Dropping the robe, we can see she is wearing tacky-ass lingerie, as McCulloch stares and demands she “stop that”. As blondie turns around, we see she has drawn on a “stomach” and a bare minimum outline of her skeletal structure, as well as her “heart” (what the fuck, it’s a blob?) and I’m not sure what the fuck this project is supposed to be, because it’s literally just her seducing McCulloch.

He comes closer and she tells him to take a closer look, to make sure she’s got all her organs correct. THERE’S ONLY DRAWN TWO ON YOU. SERIOUSLY. She then kisses him and tumbles him onto the bed, McCulloch not remotely fighting her off. I hope you get fired, you asshole.

More black and white footage filmed “through” the handheld video camera. Uh oh. Wayne the videographer is doing his job! Filming McCulloch caught in flagrante with a near-naked student, because no one shut the cabin door. (I went back to make sure and yep, McCulloch left the door wide open.) It isn’t until Wayne has quite a bit of footage that McCulloch finally says “Get off of me!” and pushes blondie away. Uh huh. He blusters, getting off the bed, stammering and stuttering that he is her teacher, what is she thinking?!

Well, considering you are her teacher and you totally did not leave the room as soon as she handed you champagne, nor did you leave when she disrobed, nor did you push her off you as she kissed you before she shoved you on the bed…

McCulloch says not only will blondie not be leaving the ship he will personally see to it that next year she is back in a high school classroom. What, so you can be around her and lust after her and probably actually commit an affair with her? Because I am not buying this. This acting is some of the worst I have seen in these films. It’s not remotely written as believable. It’s either under acted or over acted and never in between.

As he starts to leave the room, Wayne enters, holding a giant VHS tape. “Did you get anything good?” Blondie asks, confirming that this was, indeed, a fucking setup. Wayne tosses blondie the VHS tape, which she puts under her robe before tying it closed. “Come and get it,” she taunts McCulloch, who totally could have grabbed the tape from Wayne’s hands very easily. Fuck you, movie. Seriously.

McCulloch threatens that Miss Mason will be “very very sorry” before turning on Wayne and declaring he can forget about attending any film school. I dunno. I think these threats are pretty hollow. I doubt blondie or Wayne will survive Jason. McCulloch storms off but Wayne looks worried. Blondie assures him, waving the tape, that McCulloch won’t try anything. Wayne half-heartedly agrees, taking up one of the champagne flutes.

He stammers that he’s had the hots for blondie – Tamara he calls her – since sophomore year. Tamara pauses while pinning up her hair. OH THIS IS THE TAMARA J.J. TOLD HIM WAS A BITCH!! She stares at Wayne as if he’s an annoying cockroach before telling him that’s very sweet. That’s when she practically shoves him out of the room, telling Wayne’s she’s pressed for time, as he stammers and assumes that because he helped her AND made the admission to having a crush on her, that she’d totally… I dunno, fuck him?

Wayne raises the flute to the door and tells himself he’s an asshole. Honestly, I agree. Fuck, I hate all these characters. I can’t wait for more of them to die. And here’s Jason, his head popping out of the open door of the cabin next to Tamara’s, watching Wayne walk away in defeat. C’MON, KILL SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY, JASON. YOU’RE SLACKING SO BADLY.

Here’s some stock footage of rough seas with a ship superimposed over top, to imply they are in the middle of a storm. It is absolutely faked bullshit. [Wing: I do not understand where this boat is and how Jason got to where the boat is and — okay anything. I do not understand anything about this damn movie.]

Tamara is in the shower, we can see her naked body through the artful shower curtain, washing off the body paint from her “biology project”. Grabbing a towel, she steps out and puts her robe back on before we smash cut to a shot of Jason opening the door. Apparently it’s the door to the cabin, because Tamara just pushed open the bathroom door to peek through. She actually sees Jason, before he sees her, giving her time to shut the bathroom door and look concerned.

Let me guess, she’s going to assume one of the boys is playing a joke on her?

Putting her ear to the door, we see a pitiful attempt at various emotions flit across her face before Jason punches through the wooden bathroom door and grabs her. Tamara struggles, succeeding in getting free by taking off her robe, but she ran away so hard she smashes her head into the bathroom mirror it breaks and she collapses on the ground ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Jason pulls open the door and immediately smashes his fist into the broken mirror, what the fuck.

Tamara tries to hide under the towels, screaming and crying, as Jason fishes around and finds the one piece of broken mirror that incredulously looks just like a chefs knife! Wow, what are the fucking odds! Tamara screams and screams “No!” over and over as Jason advances on her. Look, it’s been how many hours since Jason got out of the water and you want your audience to believe that he never dried out, he’s still soaking wet? This is just… dumb.

Oh and he stabs Tamara. Her scream mixes with the blast of the ship’s horn. Whatever.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+106)

Remember when I used to complain the films had maximum body count too fast? THIS IS TAKING FUCKING FOREVER FOR JASON TO MURDER VERY FEW PEOPLE ON ONE SHIP.

Up on the bridge, the captain orders the stabilizers “kicked in”, as it is implied by the thunder sound effects and the “rain” pouring on the windows that the ship is in a serious storm. Uh huh. The captain says the kids are in for “one hell of a storm”. No. Just, no.

Somewhere, we are shown Jason, bathed in a red light, removing a wooden-handled fishing implement off a wall. I don’t know what it’s called; it has a nasty hooked blade at the end, though. Considering there were also a couple of machete-like blades hanging there and Jason didn’t go for the usual? Weird. [Wing: He’s off to a new city, he wants to branch out.]

The captain makes conversation with… I’m guessing he’s the first mate? His son is now 19 months old. Well, I hope you kissed him goodbye when you left shore. The captain announces that 1 and a half years of age is TREMENDOUS (??) and then offers unsolicited advice by saying the kid shouldn’t be pushed too hard. Looks like the captain has major regrets about Sean. The captain turns over the helm to the first mate and heads down a set of internal stairs.

The single wiper blade is just killing itself swiping back and forth, as the first mate stares out to sea. Like, THE BOAT ISN’T EVEN MOVING, YOU CAN TOTALLY TELL. Lightning illuminates everything for a second, before the cabin goes back to being lit by green lights. We watch Jason climb up stairs onto the bridge, the first mate totally unawares.

So Jason stabs him with that giant hook thing, and this is… so dumb looking. I can’t even bother with describing this, it’s just too dumb. The first mate falls on the floor and Jason stabs him a few more times for effect.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+107)

Suddenly the captain is returning and sees his first mate laying in the doorway with the giant hook thing shoved in his back which is NOT REMOTELY ACCURATE TO WHAT WE WITNESSED JASON DOING. MY GOD, WHY DOES CONTINUITY NOT MATTER IN MOVIES??

The captain rushes over, kneeling, dumbfounded, and that’s when the lightning flashes and Jason appears behind him – completely impossible and implausible – before slitting the captain’s throat from behind. Like, there is no blood. I’m sorry, throat slashes result in blood, splattering or running which ever, but this one is near-bloodless and why even show the windows if there’s no blood spraying on them?!!? WHAT THE FUCK, MOVIE.

This movie is making me so angry, it’s going to be real difficult to finish this recap. I feel incredibly insulted.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+108)

The captain falls forward, dead. Is Sean an orphan now? Hey, nobody is manning the ship’s wheel or controls! Not that it fucking matters, this ship is decidedly NOT MOVING.

For… not entirely discernible reasons (?) Rennie and Sean are now walking upstairs towards what I assume is the ship’s bridge, saying he can call a Coast Guard cutter for her, to take her home. Um, I don’t buy that? It’s not an actual emergency. Rennie seems shocked he isn’t going with her, even stops him in the hall to ask if he’s staying aboard.

OH MY GOD EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE IS A MUSH MOUTHED TWIT AND I CANNOT UNDERSTAND THEM WITHOUT CAPTIONING. And I’m not going deaf, okay. I had to play that three times to finally catch what Sean says. He explains he’ll never be what his father – the Captain – wants him to be so he might as well go with Rennie. Much self confidence there, bud.

Rennie just stares at him before Sean heads up onto the bridge. What acting!

Up on the bridge, Sean and Rennie find the Captain standing before the ships controls, propped up by Jason to appear is if he is still working, but VERY OBVIOUSLY DEAD. Sean doesn’t rush over to his father, he slowly walks half way towards the corpse then backs up. Like, what the fuck. The ship takes a sudden… plunge? Okay I don’t know, it “moves” (LOL) in the “water” and the pitch of the ship is enough to make the dead Captain fall backward and oh look, they helpfully put blood all over the instrument panel to “show” he’s “dead”.

Sean and Rennie cling to one another and try to stop themselves from rolling onto the floor. I’m sorry, they would have had a much harder time getting up onto the bridge if there was really such a terrible storm outside. ALSO WHERE IS THE FIRST MATE’S CORPSE??

Down in the living quarters decks, a student pops out of his room as Sean’s voice comes over the ship’s PA system. Asshole, I mean Wayne, shows up to inquire about J.J.’s whereabouts, as he either went down into the engine room and found nothing or, my guess, couldn’t be bothered and is therefore asking other students where she could be.

The other student shushes him as we watch Julius and three other male students come out of their cabins to hear Sean stutter and stammer over the PA. Sean wants them all to come to the bridge. Julius is pissed. (Why?)

Giving absolutely NO REASON for the students to comply, Sean switches to the radio in order to attempt (poorly) to signal MAYDAY. For someone who grew up with a dad WHO SAILS FOR A LIVING Sean apparently retained almost ZERO in what to do in an emergency. He really sucks at this and I’m glad he is a failure and his father is probably rolling over on the ground since he isn’t in the grave yet.

Julius and two buddies show up and immediately find the Captain’s body. Yay? Wayne and the other dude from the hall pop in and find the body as well. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE TEACHERS?

Sean is reduced to whining on the CB radio. Finally a Coast Guard cutter takes pity on responds and before Sean can reply we SMASH CUT to Jason, up above the bridge, pulling the cords to the radio tower, effectively destroying any communication on the ship. This seems a little after the fact, Jason. YOU’RE SLIPPING.

Of course Sean pounds on the radio to no avail, melting down, as the other male students stare in shock and disbelief. Also, IF THERE WAS REALLY A TERRIBLE STORM THE SHIP SHOULD BE ROCKING AND PITCHING AND HEAVING IN THE WATER so the simple fact all of them are STANDING AROUND WITHOUT ISSUE proves the ship is NOT MOVING.

McCulloch and Colleen finally appear and stare down at the Captain’s body, because that’s all the reaction the actors were told to give. Like, seriously, the fact Sean threw a tarp over the upper half of his father’s body is apparently enough for them to just accept he’s dead. No one’s trying to render aid or question anything. This is goddamn insulting.

McCulloch offers his condolences to Sean, which mean jack shit, AND I AM ALSO INCREDIBLY SHOCKED THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK THIS SHIP JUST SAILS ITSELF WITHOUT HUMAN AID. LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON. Yes I realize a lot of ships are automated but we were shown the Captain and First Mate manning the helm and now you want me to believe that Sean OF ALL PEOPLE doesn’t know the ship is just randomly “sailing” (because we all know it IS NOT MOVING) without a human checking on the coordinates or if something is on the radar. Fuck me, this is a goddamn joke of a movie.

Sean has to inform McCulloch the radio has died. Fortunately, the deckhand who is Ralph reincarnated pops up (literally) onto the bridge and loudly informs them THEY’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

He goes on to say they’re the last ones and “he’s” come back for them. Okay, wait a minute, we know Rennie isn’t there and there was another male student in the PA scene that isn’t accounted for, and Tamara’s science scholarship friend hasn’t been seen, so that’s a lie, they’re not the last.

McCulloch flips out and demands to know who. Jason Voorhees, the deckhand replies. “You’re insane! Jason Voorhees has been dead for years!” Look, the timeline of these movies has been so utterly skewed I don’t even know if we’re in the future or if that was retconn’d out or what the fuck timeline we’re in!

“He came down the river and he’s gotten onboard.” YES AND YOU TOLD NO ONE, FAKE!RALPH. [Wing: Oh. The river. The totally always there river. Cool.] Everyone doing a piss poor job of reacting to this news. McCulloch is the only one screaming back at Fake!Ralph. Like he even picks up a knife and threatens Fake!Ralph with it before Colleen jumps in and physically restrains him. Fake!Ralph denounces McCulloch as the insane one and I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH THIS FILM AND I STILL HAVE 56 MINUTES TO GO.

Fake!Ralph flees the bridge and McCulloch says that he’s been spouting off about Jason since he came aboard. Well that sentence can be taken two ways. Did any of the writers do that intentionally? I doubt it. McCulloch is implying that Fake!Ralph is the murderer and using Jason as a cover, but Colleen says that doesn’t prove Fake!Ralph killed the Captain. I mean, no one knows how many people are ALREADY DEAD.

I don’t know what Julius’ deal is but he wants to “regroup” and go “find this motherfucker” before he finds them. I’m… I’m so confused. McCulloch takes time to tell Julius to “watch his mouth” and then declares he’s in charge. Well, at this point, no one really is. This is the literal SHIP OF FOOLS.

Where the fuck is Doggo? REMEMBER DOGGO??? [Wing: I REMEMBER DOGGO.]

Julius advances on McCulloch and informs him that “school is out”… so, uh, I guess the fact that is a SENIOR CLASS TRIP which implies that the school is IN CHARGE of it no longer applies. WHAT THE FUCK EVER. I think the writers just wrote shit then put it into a Word document and thought, hey, we wrote a script! BECAUSE NOTHING IN THIS MOVIE MAKES A LICK OF SENSE.

Having established he’s a bad ass, Julius and his cronies leave, to hunt… Jason and/or Fake!Ralph. Go ahead, I’ll watch you die. McCulloch screams at them to come back, as if he had any authority at this point, but they’re gone. Wayne and the other student disappear as well. Sean is in the background, looking distraught, or at least that’s what I’m guessing he’s going for. Where is Rennie? She was there. PEOPLE JUST RANDOMLY DISAPPEAR FROM SCENES WHEN THEY DON’T HAVE LINES?

McCulloch just asked where Rennie is. Sean stammers that she’s off dropping the anchors. Uhhh wow. Someone actually took independent initiative in this situation!

SMASH CUT to Rennie taking a stroll on deck, even though it is absolutely pouring buckets and she is getting soaked. Like, there’s no fucking urgency to anything these characters do. Of course Jason is watching from two decks above. Because why not. Rennie magically finds the room where the anchors are controlled and sets to… dropping them. The powerful wheels slowly come on, Rennie straining to make the controls work, before she stares in… I don’t even know how to describe that expression. Like, whoever the fuck directed this (or didn’t and just got credit for it) obviously does not know how to communicate what the fuck the characters needed to do to show emotions. This is just bad.

Unsurprisingly, we are treated to more bad guy POV, the camera lumbering in almost slow motion, taking time to show us a fire ax mounted on the wall. Uh huh. Rennie stands there with… random emotions flitting across her face, before her spidey senses tingle enough to make her turn around…

… and find McCulloch standing there. HE LITERALLY TURNS OFF THE ANCHOR AND YELLS “YOU HAD ME WORRIED TO DEATH!” at his niece. What. The. Actual. FUCK. Movie!?

Rennie says Sean told her they needed to drop anchors. McCulloch has a shit fit and reasserts that he’s the one she needs to listen to. YOU WERE NO WHERE IN THE PRIOR SCENE WHEN SHE AND SEAN FOUND THE BODIES, YOU GODDAMN FUCKING DUMBASS.

Apparently dropping an anchor in the middle of a storm is stupid. (I paused the film to Google it. OH MY GOD, HE’S RIGHT! SEAN IS A COMPLETE FUCK UP WHO KNOWS NOTHING OF SAILING!) McCulloch takes Rennie by the arm and pulls her out of the anchor room.

But who cares because we’re returned to the science scholarship friend, who ignored Sean’s plea for everyone to come to the bridge and is wandering about the halls of the living quarters. I would guess it’s the cocaine. She’s made it to Tamara’s room, but hasn’t noticed the destruction in the bathroom. I mean, the audience has been viewing her through the massive hole in the bathroom door, which is kind of OBVIOUS but it takes her time to notice.

She slowly wanders over and sees… goo dripping from the hole in the door. Why does Jason drip goo? Instead of PEERING THROUGH THE HOLE, she opens the door and finds Tamara, spattered in real fake stage blood with the knife-shaped piece of glass through her shoulder blade with the tip of it coming out of her chest (impossible and implausible), dead on the floor.

Fleeing into the hall, science scholarship friend immediately encounters Jason, as you do, and it sounds like he’s wearing scuba gear. What the fuck. Science scholarship flees down the hall, away, finding the stairs and running up them into the next upper deck, which has planted pots and brash chandeliers. What? “Help me!” she screams as she flees down a staircase and opens a set of double doors which reveal the ship’s discotheque! WHY NOT.

Running onto the dance floor, which pulses with lights, science scholarship realizes she’s hit a dead end. For some reason instead of fleeing back the way she came, the camera just pans in a bunch of stupid circles around her as the rock music blares because this movie is fucking stupid. This goes on for a good 30 seconds before Jason slams open the double doors and the camera zooms in on his face.

Science scholarship screams pitifully and proceeds to yank on another set of double doors, a single door, all of which are locked of course, before running back onto the dance floor and seeing Jason again, as if she suddenly forgot he was there. THIS IS NOT ACTING, THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Apparently Jason can just blink through existence and be where ever he needs to be suddenly in the room, blocking escape routes. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Now he has entirely disappeared, no where to be seen. WHO THE FUCK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NONSENSE.

It takes forever for Jason to A) finally reappear and B) strangle science scholarship to death. Like, not only is this movie insulting, it’s boring AF. Jason is literally lifting this tiny woman off the ground, shaking his hands that are clamped around her neck, and yet again I am continuing to be insulted because this is clearly misogynistic on the part of the writers. It is literal overkill.

Jason finishes and violently throws science scholarship to the disco floor.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+109)

I may not care about any of these flimsy excuses for characters but that was fucking stupid and insulting.

Julius and Friends™ have collected all kinds of weapons and are throwing them on a tarp laid out in the gym. Yeah, okay, sure. There’s like two fire axes and some pipes. This is a sad bunch of weaponry. Oh wait, there’s two rifles? Wayne grabs one before asking Julius which he’s taking. “NOTHING!” Julius states… before picking up the second rifle and cocking it violently. You know, this isn’t even worth me screaming what the fuck at anymore. It’s just that goddamn awful.

Wayne and his rifle go into the stairwell of the engine room. To prove how fucking stupid Wayne is as a character, he’s got the rifle in his left hand while his right holds the camcorder with the flashbulb on steady, using it as a flashlight. INSTEAD OF FINDING AN ACTUAL FLASHLIGHT. He callS for J.J., because he’s not giving up on that. Wandering down the narrow walkway, a sudden burst of steam knocks his glasses off his face, and through the air in a slow-mo shot that adds nothing of value. Now implied to be impaired by shitty vision – he literally says he can’t see a damn thing as well as the camera giving us a blurry image – Wayne wanders deeper into the engine room before someone steps out in his way, arms extended, without making a sound.

Naturally Wayne fires the rifle and shoots the unknown person dead in the chest. SURE. SURE. SURE. SURE. SURE.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+110)

We all know it’s a fellow student. Stop acting like viewers are fucking morons, movie.

Using the video camera to focus his vision (?!?) Wayne looks at who he’s killed. It’s… uh… it’s one of the unnamed dudes from Julius and Friends™! (For a moment I though it was Sean and I was super excited for that twist, but alas.) Of course Jason immediately steps into frame and punches the camcorder from Wayne’s hand without doing any damage to his eye or face. Sure. Wayne stares… uh… angrily? WHAT ARE THESE EMOTIONS I CANNOT DECIPHER THEM at Jason before running away. Without the rifle.

Of course now we’re treated to the actor literally throwing himself around as though he cannot see clearly enough. Uh huh. And as he descends to a lower deck, he “trips” (his foot didn’t remotely come into contact with) over J.J.’s bloodied guitar. He practically falls beside the body, shakily reaching up to touch her corpse. Yeah. Well, sorry, Wing. We already knew but now we’ve confirmed it.

Wayne is so distracted by being blind and J.J.’s body that Jason has time to catch up, grab Wayne, and throw him into some kind of electrical bank. Of course this is Death by Stereo Electricity v.2 with sparks flying everywhere and Wayne catching fire and ironic that it’s another DWayne. TIL there is a band called Death by Stereo and they’re the first thing that comes up on YT and not the scene from The Lost Boys. Bleh. [Wing: Now I’m just sad that we’re not watching Lost Boys. Though we have just recapped it. Recap to come soon, readers. Recap to come soon. Or actually possibly before this recap goes up, if we finish everything in time.]

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+111)

I won’t miss you, asshole.

Okay, so, if that’s the engine room, does that mean Jason just damaged the power supply to the ship’s engines? How am I supposed to interpret this? They haven’t even fucking made it to NYC yet. And what about that STORM everyone’s been complaining about!? Oh my god, this is giving me such a headache!

(Really though, you know a movie is bad when you have to pause mid-recap, take a long break, have a come to Jebus moment with yourself because you made a commitment to recap a franchise no matter how awful the individual films may be, and you’ve also got a posting deadline to make. I really don’t drink but this piece of shit film is really making me want to. I have a lot of tequila and vodka in my freezer, it would be so easy.)

[Wing: On the one hand, I am so sorry you had to recap this. On the other hand, I AM SO GLAD YOU HAD TO RECAP THIS. The movie is shit, but your recap is a delight.]

So there’s a fire in the engine room but no alarms are going off? Aren’t ships supposed to have fire alarms and possibly fire suppression systems? WHO THE FUCK DIDN’T RESEARCH SHIT? Sean is busy looking at… whatever that is… radar? while Colleen looks on. McCulloch renters the bridge and announces he’s locked Rennie in her room in the name of “safety”. Uh huh, pretty sure it’s unlawful imprisonment but what the fuck does this movie care.

McCulloch demands to know if Sean has brought the ship “back on course”. Uhhhh wait, when did it get off course? Was the audience going to be notified of this development before McCulloch pointed it out? I WAS RIGHT I’M PRETTY SURE I POINTED THIS OUT AGES AGO. Colleen tries to defend Sean but Sean just looks scared shit-less. He doesn’t know jack shit about sailing and TWO ADULT TEACHERS expect him to save everyone. What the actual fuck. McCulloch insists that because Sean is the “son of a captain” he should know how to sail.

Wow. Just. Wow.

The plastic mannequin stand-in for dead asshole Wayne is burning ferociously now. Sparks flare up and we see the “fuel tank” is near-by the burning corpse. Jason is watching, since apparently he needs a break from slaughtering the passengers. He happens to be standing next to the fire alarm. See, yet again, I know what’s going to happen before it happens AND I was correct about the fire alarm system onboard.

On the bridge, Sean continues to press one button on some kind of electronic device before he visibly sighs in relief and announces the ships is back on course. (Press X to doubt.) Both teachers are relieved and that’s exactly when Jason punches the fire alarm. The button politely reads PRESS, Jason. Now you’re just being a super dick.

An alarm goes off, McCulloch screaming over it. “What’s that?!” “The fire alarm!” So Sean knows what that sound is? HOW? (I mean, anyone who’s gone to school and participated in mandatory fire drills would know; I’m just pointing out in context that half the time Sean knows shit and the other half he’s apparently a genius.)

Annnnnd the flames have spread to the fuel tank.

McCulloch pulls the flare gun out and loads it. Colleen bitches that they’ve discussed it and “no one” would see a flare through the fake ass storm that’s allegedly raging outside yet the boat is barely rocking. McCulloch says something about only one person needing to see it and that’s Fake!Ralph. What?

Okay, well, if McCulloch’s death somehow involves the flare gun, I’ll take it? I mean, there have been way more gruesome deaths in this franchise.

Colleen asks about the fire. McCulloch pulls a FAKE NEWS and basically says it’s make-believe. Just as make-believe as the fucking storm! (I really fucking can’t with this film, every character is making me angry and WHERE THE FUCK IS DOGGO??) McCulloch doubles down saying that someone’s pulled the fire alarm to “cause panic” just like Fake!Ralph inciting panic by mentioning Jason Voorhees being onboard.

….what?

Am I stupid? Why does this movie fail so hard at everything? Why is McCulloch so dead set against Jason Voorhees? What in his past has made him flip the fuck out about any mention of Jason? IS THIS EVER EXPLAINED/EXPLORED?

McCulloch flounces out of the bridge, leaving Sean to look…. something… and Colleen to… look as though she’s not remotely in charge and looking to Sean for action. YOU ARE A GODDAMN TEACHER CHAPERONE, WOMAN.

The fire merrily spreads, igniting along a trail of accelerant, because why not. Nothing in this movie is believable anyway.

Up on… one of the decks, is the student that came in with Wayne. He has chosen a fire ax as his weaponry. It’s pouring down buckets but the ship isn’t remotely rocking or heaving. Oh look, Jason’s boots. Student walks down two steps and doesn’t see Jason standing right there to his left but there’s Jason, now behind him. WHAT THE FUCK.

Student realizes he’s being stalked by a hockey-mask-wearing supernaturally undead horror movie franchise star and turns around, swinging the ax at Jason, who naturally blocks it. Why not. The ax flies through the air and embeds itself in the deck, at Julius’ feet. Who has that other rifle, remember.

Purple jacket guy, for lack of a better name, flees Jason. That’s not going to work, honey. As soon as he makes it onto a lower deck, Jason appears. Because cheating. I guess Jason is no longer bound by rules of physics. BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT.

Basically, Jason has the same unexplained magical powers as the Unicorns in My Little Pony ‘N Friends, because that show also has a HOW DOES MAGIC WORK plot hole bigger than the known galaxy.

Purple jacket flees up… well, is it considered a mast? It’s a vertical pole and there’s a string of flags strung from it. Jason barely reacts. Watch, he’ll some how magically be atop said pole. Because plot will say so.

I’m not sure why purple jacket guy thought going vertically was a good escape route. Because, sure enough, Jason is suddenly (without explanation or sound reasoning) behind him on the ladder, yanking him clean off said ladder, and throwing him into the air. Purple jacket lands on… something… and there’s a cracking sound… and his jaw has gone slack to indicate… I dunno… death?

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+112)

Why is Jason panting for air as though he’s out of breath? Like, he’s undead… or something… why is he breathing??

Julius, who apparently didn’t really take that ax landing at his feet very seriously, is running around a deck and pointing the rifle, then making sound effects noises and keeping one eye closed as if he’s aiming said rifle. What the fuck. Seriously, you could invent a drinking game from me saying that through out this recap and you’d probably suffer alcohol poisoning. Oh, bummer, he found purple jacket’s corpse hanging off… something.

Oh, purple jacket is impaled on… the remains of the antenna? It’s something metal that you most certainly wouldn’t want to land on.

Julius being distracted gives Jason enough time to grab him and throw him overboard (wait… where’d the rifle go?!) and Julius does not bob to the surface. Huh. Confusing. Jason just stands on the deck, gasping for air, staring at the water.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+113)

Fuck. I just cannot. [Wing: Same. This movie has broken my commenting ability.]

Rennie feebly beats on her locked stateroom door before leaning against it and looking… I don’t know how to describe these emotions. None of them are readable to the point of being interpreted. This is shit acting at the top level of shittiness. Rennie stares into the blackness outside her porthole window, before leaning against the curtains. She is startled to see the ghost image of a boy, dripping wet, crying for help, in the corner of her room. Again, enough distraction for Jason to come along and this time he headbutts the glass of the porthole to break it.

Reaching in, he grabs Rennie by the throat but this all looks so very… fake. The ghost boy reappears and he has some kind of facial deformity that makes him look like Sloth from The Goonies. What the fuck.

Rennie tries to grabs something from the desk, her face amazingly not being sliced to ribbons by that sharp pointed piece of fake window glass. Will she grab that Stephen King Fountain Pen™??

Sure enough.

Even though she’s supposed to be utterly strangled, you can tell Jason doesn’t have much of a grip on her through. Rennie lifts the pen and the angle changes entirely so she can stab Jason in the eye with said pen. CALLED IT.

Tell me I am not the only one who screamed BULLSHIT at the screen just now. Because, god damn it, this is just so poorly made it’s not even funny. [Wing: I’m not sure I’ve stopped screaming bullshit at the screen.]

Jason staggers back, the pen stuck in his eye, as Rennie sinks to the floor. Sloth Jr, covered in slimy green ooze, disappears. I don’t get why the kid has that deformity, even though it’s an obvious link to Jason, and also THE PROSTHETIC MAKEUP IS SO BAD IT’S OBVIOUSLY A FAKE EYEBALL.

Pulling the pen from his eye… well, that wasn’t blood. Lake water? Liquid of some sort oozes down his mask. Apparently that Stephen King Fountain Pen™ is a true weapon, because Jason just walks off.

Rennie crawls across the floor, away from the porthole, just as Sean bursts into her stateroom, making her scream. She clings to his jacket as Sean walks her back to sit on the edge of the bed. Rennie doesn’t understand what’s happening. (Neither do I, but we’re both in this until the end, ugh.)

Welp, that fuel tank just exploded in the engine room. But the only indication is a framed photograph on the wall shaking and the light sconces blinking. (Fucking bullshit, man. Such fucking bullshit.)

“Power room!” Sean whines in defeat. (No. Just, no.)

I know we didn’t get a proper headcount during the boarding of the ship, why would we, but it does appear that Jason hasn’t managed to murder every senior aboard. Colleen bursts into… the bar, oh wait, it’s the restaurant, followed by four students. She directs them to stay put until she comes back with the others. FATAL LAST WORDS? ALSO: HOW MANY ARE FUCKING LEFT TO FIND?

The camera ominously pans up on one of the portholes, lightning flashing out side as the cheap thunder sound effect plays. Jason’s masked visage appears. Well, time to sing the DOOM song.

In the kitchen, McCulloch is wandering around not wearing gloves or a hairnet, poorly armed with the fucking flare gun. I don’t know why he thought Fake!Ralph is in the kitchen? What gave him that idea? The dude is the last living member of the crew, apparently, shouldn’t he be… I dunno… doing crew stuff somewhere below deck?

Apparently that “fire” in the engine room is really affecting shit, because the lights flicker on and off. Uh huh. Continue to insult me, movie. The camera lingers on an extra long chefs knife hanging from the rack. Gee, you’re so subtle, movie. Personally, if you had Jason kill McCulloch with that metal spider (sorry, Wing, not an actual spider) [Wing: Good.] I would give you a million bonus points for actual creativity. But, I know it’s not going to happen. You’re cheap and fucking predictable.

(Actually now I kinda of wish I had a use for a scene where someone kills someone else with a metal spider but nothing I’m working on has a need for such a scene. Alas.)

There are no raptors in the kitchen, McCulloch. Why you are wandering up and down the aisles, which you can clearly see through the open shelves, is beyond me, because this isn’t even suspenseful. We just saw Jason outside the restaurant. We know he’s close at hand. It’s literally a matter of wasting film to get him in there to slaughter you.

Oh. They made you wander down the aisle on the other side just to pull back and reveal that chefs knife is missing. Fuck. YOU INSULT ME SO MUCH, MOVIE.

There is a sound of a can being knocked over or kicked. McCulloch stops and turns around, still acting like that flare gun is going to protect him. We are shown a… random ass shot of the chefs knife sliding into frame, brilliantly illuminated by a florescent bulb. Whatever. McCulloch backtracks but suddenly Fake!Ralph runs in and pushes him into the worktop counter while grabbing the chefs knife. He then runs… away. While McCulloch fakes agony from being barely pushed into a metal counter, still holding that loaded flare gun.

We smash cut over to… sea water gushing into the open stairwell. Why? Did the filmmakers suddenly remember there’s a vast and deadly sea storm going on?

(I can’t believe anyone paid money to watch this when it was brand new in a theater. I wouldn’t even pay the cost of cable to watch it, it would have to pop up on an over-the-air station for free and even then I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch it, I’d watch a goddamn infomercial. At least the infomercial would be entertaining.)

In a different stairwell (this makes… three? four?) Rennie clings to Sean’s arm as they navigate down into the ship. Water laps over the compartment doors. “Water’s gotten into the engines!” Wow, glad you suddenly know something, Sean! As soon as they reach the plot-says-so-for-convenience door helpfully labeled ENGINE ROOM, the red warning lights switch on and a nasty alarm begins to sound. Sean’s jaw drops in horror. Again, I don’t know how to describe these “emotions” the characters are supposed to be displaying. They don’t match up half the time.

“We have to get everybody off the ship!” Sean yells to Rennie, just before the ENGINE ROOM door blows open and a tidal wave of water ala Titanic rushes in to engulf them. (No. Just, no.) Sean grabs a hold of the fire hose wheels mounted on the wall, trying to keep himself and Rennie standing as they are washed over by seawater. It… half works. The imminent flood isn’t nearly on par with the scene in Titanic and they are soon back on their feet, sputtering and coughing.

I guess we’re supposed to infer, from that random insert scene that showed water falling into the stairwell, that the whole ship has flooded and is sinking? PRESS X TO DOUBT.

[Wing: WHERE IS DOGGO?!]

Rennie, with Sean’s help, climbs the stairs into… some room I can’t quite identify yet. She’s, of course, gone into shock so she’s frozen stiff. Whatever. Where ever they end up, McCulloch appears and grabs Rennie, mishandling that flare gun and keeping it aimed at Sean as he yells for Sean to release his niece.

I was already waiting for McCulloch to die but the movie keeps giving me more reasons to want him to die A) very violently and B) very painfully.

McCulloch, clutching Rennie who has gone so catatonic she’s stiff as a board yet somehow standing? yells at Sean that EVERYTHING IS HIS FAULT. (Wow. Just wow.) Sean counters in a snappy teen comeback that it’s Jason’s fault.

This means McCulloch clings to the illusion he was ever in charge of anybody on this ship, demanding Sean stop talking about Jason. Sean finally finds his balls and stands up to the “teacher”, saying McCulloch better listen if he wants to get off the ship alive. And as soon as he finds his balls, they’re gone again, because Colleen randomly shuffles into the room. She announces she’s lowered the lifeboat! What the ever living fuck, movie.

Like, really, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE CREW? WHY HAVE THE TWO TEACHERS ABANDONED WHAT REMAINS OF THEIR SENIOR CLASS TO FEND FOR THEIR LIVES WHILE A SUPERNATURAL SERIAL KILLER ROAMS FREELY ABOARD? WHY IS THE ONE TEACHER ON A GODDAMN POWER TRIP AND DETERMINED TO IMPRISON HIS CATATONIC NIECE WHILE WAVING A FLARE GUN IN EVERYBODY’S FACE? WHO DECIDED COLLEEN WAS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT??

Sean heads out, presumably towards the lifeboat, but Colleen tells him she left the others in the restaurant. “THERE IS NO MORE RESTAURANT!” Sean snaps. I am so fucking confused. McCulloch drags the still unmoving and totally catatonic Rennie from the room, Colleen following.

SMASH CUT TO THE FOURSOME ON DECK. Rennie is now perfectly fine, walking freely under her own power, and doesn’t look remotely phased or scared. (I literally just want to quit watching; this movie keeps insulting me and has tossed any common sense / reason / continuity / plot out the window.) Of course, McCulloch leads the way, waving the fucking flare gun, just as Fake!Ralph appears and brandishes the chefs knife while staggering around.

Sean and Colleen hold onto Rennie as McCulloch stands and aims the flare gun. He… appears to cock it but acts as though he pulled the trigger?? What the fuck?! Nothing happens. Fake!Ralph waves the chefs knife before he falls to his knees, pitching forward to reveal a fire ax buried (much poorly, so fake) in his back.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+114)

You were useless, Fake!Ralph.

McCulloch stares at the body, angry he didn’t get to give Fake!Ralph the comeuppance he deserved, as Colleen, Sean, and Rennie scoot by the body. I guess why show any concern for someone with an ax buried in their back, they’re likely dead. Who cares about compassion!

Super fake animated lighting is back! A bolt strikes… that mast… pole… thing. A cascade of sparks shower through the air, just as if someone filled that pole with fireworks!

McCulloch and Colleen stand in the “life” boat while Rennie and Sean climb down the ladder on the side of the boat. HEY WAIT, YOU JUST TOTALLY ABANDONED THOSE FOUR OTHER STUDENTS BASED ON SEAN SAYING THERE WASN’T A RESTAURANT ANYMORE?!? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLES.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 4 (+118)

Because, even though we didn’t see them die, the movie is basically insisting those last four remaining students died. We don’t see it, we don’t know how it happened. Honestly, I don’t know how to give this installment a proper body count. We know there were a lot of people on board but we only interacted with a handful.  I guess that’s the best I can do, count-wise. Fuck.

Sean looks up to see Jason standing at the top of the ladder, ax in hand. “Hurry up!” Sean screams. Remember how this is supposed to be the storm of the century? Well, the ship isn’t moving, the lifeboat is barely rocking and most of that movement is caused by the three fucking idiots standing up in it, and the rain is… well, that’s the only part of the storm that exists.

OH, YOU’VE ABANDONED DOGGO, TOO! OH MY GOD, YOU ASSHOLES!

As soon as Sean is in the boat, McCulloch dares to look like it’s a job well done. Fuck you, asshole. Sean actually has to tell the teacher to start rowing. Jason has disappeared, by the by, so you know he’s probably just gonna magic himself into that fucking lifeboat.

Sean and McCullouch can’t even figure out how to row the boat let alone push it away from the ship. Fuck.

Something’s watching from the water. More shitty bad guy POV but that’s when something leaps out of the water and onto the side of the lifeboat. It’s Julius! He apparently can breathe underwater and has just been hanging around waiting the whole goddamn time!

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+1)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+117)

Lemme guess. Since we’re headed to New York City, we need a street-wise tough African-American man to guide the four surviving white characters.

OH MY GOD WAIT A MINUTE DOGGO IS ON THE LIFEBOAT. I REPEAT, DOGGO IS RANDOMLY ABOARD THE LIFEBOAT. UNHARMED. HAS BEEN MISSING FOR THE LAST TWENTY OR SO MINUTES BUT IS JUST FUCKING RANDOMLY ACCOUNTED FOR ONBOARD THE LIFEBOAT. FUCK YOU MOVIE FOR INSULTING ME AND THINKING I WOULD NOT NOTICE YOU JUST PUTTING DOGGO RANDOMLY BACK INTO THE MIX. [Wing: YAY DOGGO. But also, get away from these idiots, DOGGO.]

You want me to believe a student has been “swimming” in the “raging” waters during a storm for the last… I dunno, 15 minutes without drowning and that the doggo, who was never found after it went missing, somehow escaped Jason’s wrath and made it on board the only lifeboat. Sure. Please tell me I am not the only one so violently insulted by this film’s script. [Wing: Definitely not.]

Hey! Wait a minute! Sean implied they had to immediately abandon the ship because it was on fire and/or sinking! But… NOTHING HAPPENS TO SHOW THAT. NOTHING. WE JUST SEE THE SIX SURVIVORS ROW AWAY AND NOW IT’S FUCKING MORNING AND THEY’RE IN A FOG BANK WEARING LIFE JACKETS AND JULIUS IS CONSCIOUS AND TOTALLY UNHARMED AND ROWING ALONGSIDE SEAN WHILE MCCULLOCH SITS IN THE STERN OF THE BOAT SULKING!?

Fuck me.

“I hope we find shore soon, captain.” McCulloch sneers at Sean. You know, there’s a point where writers make a character so awful it becomes cartoony and hurts the story. We’ve reached that with McCulloch. He says they don’t want to drown “out here”. Sean just looks scared and sad and his balls have remained MIA. Colleen, instead of, you know, telling her fellow teacher to STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE TO THE STUDENT WHO SAVED HIS LIFE, just asks Sean if he has any idea of their location.

I want to pull a Raven and just BULLET POINT THE FUCK OUT OF THE REST OF THIS FILM BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING GODAWFUL, INSULTING, AND A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME. But I can’t. Also, how did everyone dry out so quickly? It’s like they were never in a storm, their hair is dry and styled, even the dog is dry.

(I finally remembered the last film that insulted my intelligence this badly AND that made me so fucking angry I’ve never watched it again: Zoolander 2.)

Sean pulls a…. what is that, some fancy fake GameBoy?? Handheld sonar? Radar? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING AND HOW DOES HE HAVE IT LET ALONE HOW DOES IT WORK?? WE ARE LITERALLY WATCHING A BECAUSE PLOT SAYS SO IN ACTION, PEOPLE. (Note: post-recap, I remember that thing was a gift from Sean’s dad. Yet how he had it on his person when they abandoned ship is anybody’s guess.)

Sean doesn’t say anything, just stares at the handheld screen and pokes some buttons. Julius tells him he can make it, because he (Julius) did. Uh, what? Do you ever feel like you’re watching a film and ideas / concepts / scenes have been smashed together and/or dialogue has been removed that would give context to stuff? It feels like that’s happening here. Too many cooks, indeed.

WAIT WAIT WAIT! WHY DID THE SCREEN FADE TO BLACK??

You have to wonder what the actors were thinking, being put into a “life” boat and made to wear life jackets and given the worthless direction of “you’ve abandoned ship AND probably all hope along with it, because you are entirely incapable of doing anything.”

IT’S NIGHT. AGAIN. AND YOU’RE TELLING ME THEY ROWED ALL DAMN DAY AND DIDN’T CROSS A SINGLE OTHER BOAT?? IS THAT WHAT THE FOG IS SUPPOSED TO DO, HIDE THEM FROM HELP AND RESCUE?? BECAUSE I DON’T BUY THIS.

Everyone except Julius and Sean and Doggo are faking sleep. Julius is rubbing his neck, while Sean continues to row. They’ve probably been going around in circles all this time, why not. Julius finally sees the first sign of life they’ve seen in… 20-ish hours:

THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

Okay, I’ve never been to New York, but I find it incredibly difficult to believe that a goddamn row “life” boat could sail into New York Harbor in the late 1980s and A) not be noticed, B) not get run over by various other shipping traffic, and C) have an unobstructed view of the Statue of Liberty facing them. No. Yet again, bullshit, you fucking goddamn movie.

Julius is losing his fucking mind so loudly he awakens Rennie, Colleen, and McCulloch. He even starts singing “New York, New York”, while he and Sean start rowing with renewed vigor. Yet again there’s another shot of the Statue of Liberty as well as one of the twinkling lights of Manhattan. AGAIN. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS IS REMOTELY ACCURATE. THERE ARE NO OTHER SHIPS ON THE WATER, NO FERRIES, NO COMMERCIAL SHIPPING ACTIVITY. THIS IS A GIANT LIE.

McCulloch actually looks at his watch and smiles, as though he’s kept everyone on a tight schedule and not berated a student and failed at his entire reason for being on the trip. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE HARBOR PATROL??

Parking at a random little dock off a much larger industrial dock (???!??!?!?!?!?!!!!!) the filmmakers don’t bother showing how Doggo got up the ladder, he’s just sitting there, happily, as the others wait for Julius to finish his ascent. Fuck, this is so dumb. Colleen suggests finding a phone, in the middle of an industrial / commercial dock area, in the middle of the night. Yes, it’s a fucking ghost town, why did you ask? McCulloch immediately bitches about where they have docked. Because McCulloch has completed his transformation into worst person to ever exist in a Friday the 13th film.

(If Jason has been holding onto the tiller or the underside of the “life” boat this entire time, I am going to break something. I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE, JASON.)

RIGHT ON TIME! JASON POPS OUT OF THE WATER AND GRABS AHOLD OF THE LOWER, SMALLER DOCK. AND NO ONE HEARS THIS. FUCK ME. HE’S UP THE LADDER AND STILL, NOTHING. NO ONE IS AWARE OF SHIT.

Reaching the upper level, Jason inhales deep and hard. He’s staring at a hockey mask-covered face, mirror image of himself, on a giant billboard advertising the Eastern Hockey League. Wow. This movie just went meta for zero laughs.

Still continuing with this theme that THE FUCKING CITY THAT NEVER GODDAMN SLEEPS is completely closed up at the docks in the middle of the fucking night because everyone clearly works strictly 9-5, we watch the pitiful survivors walk down an alley through more shitty bad guy POV. There’s fucking seagulls screeching in the background!

ENTER: two “criminals!

(Again, this movie wants me to believe that the survivors’ clothing has totally dried out and there is no salt water crusting or stains or anything, it’s just magically clean and pressed and looks as fresh as the day they put it on. Sure. SURE SURE SURE SURE SURE.)

Said criminals tell everyone to shut up and give them money. Firstly, they weren’t talking when they rounded that bend. Secondly, four white people and one African-American guy wandering an empty alley behind a sea food processing company at… uh… some point in the middle of the night, that‘s who you target??

Waving the shitty revolvers at them, because why not, McCulloch immediately hands over his pristine wallet from inside his jacket. Sure. The long-haired robber – the other has a red bandana over braids – I think that’s supposed to be a look of sexual appraisal? I don’t know. NO ONE KNOWS HOW THE FUCK TO PROPERLY EMOTE IN THIS MOVIE. Anyway, long-haired robber stares at Rennie while braids guy announces there is some “good shit here, holmes!” WELL SHE WEARING A GIANT GOLD STATUE OF LIBERTY CHARM PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED BECAUSE PLOT DEVICE.

Long-hair advances on Rennie and… what the fuck? Is he caressing her neck with the gun barrel?? HOW ODD. I mean, okay, I am setting the bar too high for this film, clearly.

Julius hands over his wallet to braids guy, because it totally stayed in his track suit jacket pocket and didn’t fall out when he was thrown into the ocean by Jason. WHAT DO PHYSICS MATTER?

Long-hair yanks the chain on which that ever important golden Statue of Liberty charm hangs from and snaps it, saying it’s sweet before pocketing it. Sean flips out. “Go ahead, Superman, be a hero!” I’m still trying to understand why dude is holding the gun against Rennie’s shoulder instead of AIMING IT AT HER LIKE ANYONE WITH A BRAIN WOULD. I mean, the barrel is pointed at her face, awkwardly, and braids has now jammed the barrel of his gun under Julius’ chin, so…

McCulloch, of course, tries to reason with them. Because he’s a white male and a teacher, you know. (Fun fact: both these “punks” appear to be First Nations actors from Canada? I could be wrong but one of them was a, quote, “warlord” in Deadpool and I recognize his face, so that’s throwing me for a loop. The other one was apparently in Legends of the Fall, but I haven’t seen that in years.)

Long-hair guy hears a noise. DOGGO IS PISSED OFF, YO! TEETH BARRED, GROWLING, DON’T YOU TOUCH MY OWNER! Long-hair moves to fire the gun at Doggo and Rennie comes to long enough to scream no and smash into his arm, making the bullet hit a wooden crate. Doggo backs off and out of frame, unhurt.

Colleen cries out for long-hair, who has grabbed Rennie by the back of the neck, to not hurt her student. Which, considering her guardian uncle has done jack shit after complaining about Sean AND Colleen trying to parent / care for his niece is… unsurprising.

Long-hair keeps calling Rennie a “princess” and “asks” if she wants to go on a “date” with him and his friend. Oh great, here’s the requisite attempted rape scene. [Wing: Extra fun with the men of color being a threat to the white girl. Excellent, movie. Excellent.] Long-hair drags Rennie behind some crates. Braids moves into frame and tells the others not to follow or they’ll blow her head off, “comprende?” OH SO THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE LATINO?? And braids is definitely the “warlord” from Deadpool.

Oh right, they filmed this fucking waste of time in Vancouver, B.C., which explains why First Nations actors are playing Latinos. Yep. There you go.

OH MY GOD. THEY JUST STAND THERE. Julius actually says, “What?! We’re just gonna stand here?!” while Colleen stares at McCullouch, who’s just watched his niece that he allegedly cares so much about be dragged off to be sexually assaulted.

Julius, who actually gains a measure of respect from me, starts to go after the “punks” when McCulloch grabs his arm and tells him to wait a minute, everyone heard what they said, they’ll kill Rennie! “WE HAVE TO FIND THE POLICE!”

In 1980s NYC? In the dead of night? On some “docks” that are “closed down” for the night?? SURE, OLD WHITE MAN.

I think we’re supposed to notice Sean looking defeated and about to cry in the background while Colleen waves her hands in the air trying to formulate some kind of plan. Because, ACTING!

McCulloch announces in his infinite wisdom that they’ll be “MORE PRODUCTIVE” if they split up. My god. FUCK WHO EVER WROTE THIS MOVIE. YOU’RE AN IDIOT.

Colleen tries to get McCulloch to, you know, reconsider his stupidity but he demands they don’t discuss this and storms off. Julius takes off in another direction, followed by Colleen (???) while Sean slowly shuffles forward to find… that goddamn golden maguffin, the Statue of Liberty charm on the ground. Sorry. We saw long-hair punk shove it in his pocket. Not possible.

Sean slowly picks it up and fiddles with cupping the chain in his palm, staring off at where Rennie was dragged. BECAUSE THERE’S TOTALLY TIME TO CONTEMPLATE LIFE AND OTHER BULLSHIT WHILE YOUR SUPPOSED GIRLFRIEND IS BEING RAPED.

I can’t, I just can’t with this film. This is incredibly awful.

Speaking off, Rennie is screaming her head off as she is dragged into another artfully decorated alleyway. Her would-be rapists tell her “welcome to the casbah, princess” and what the fuck that has to do with anything is lost on me. They shove Rennie onto an old, torn up couch, and suddenly the shot changes to a close up of a syringe full of yellow liquid being prepared to be injected into Rennie, since she’s watching this happen.

OKAY YOU WANT ME TO BELIEVE THAT DUDE WAS RUNNING AROUND WITH AN UNCAPPED SYRINGE FULL OF “DRUGS” IN HIS POCKET. SURE. SURE SURE SURE SURE. IS NO ONE ELSE OUTRAGED BY HOW FUCKING AWFUL AND STUPID AND COMPLETELY IMPLAUSIBLE THIS FILM IS?? [Wing: SO MUCH OUTRAGE.]

Rennie begs them not to hurt her. Long-hair counters everything will “feel better” if she’s “stoned”. Um, why does his earring look like it belongs in the ear of a teen vampire?? It’s not exactly Marko’s but my god, it’s close. Marko’s earring has a black skull on silver chain links; this one is a golden skull on spring-like wire. YES I PAY ATTENTION TO DETAIL, WHY DO YOU ASK.

Braids has pulled up Rennie’s sleeve. Long-hair plunges the fake needle into her arm, announcing that it’s only half a load and “Jojo” needs to find more, because it’s going to be a long night. He also removes his leather jacket. Jojo releases his hold on Rennie and runs off, to apparently score more drugs? Long-hair leans in and Rennie spits in his face, receiving a slap to her face in return.

I’m trying to remember. There’s never been a rape scene in any of the other films, right? I feel like I would remember if there was. This is just… beyond fucked up.

Long-hair warns Rennie this could be smooth or rough. Uhhhhhh. But it’s her choice. IS IT? IS IT REALLY?? The camera smash cuts to a shot of the empty syringe on the dirty ground. Jason’s boots appear.

YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME IN THIS WHOLE FILM I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE JASON. I AM NOT KIDDING.

For attempting to rape a woman, long-hair is taking way too much time. He’s literally telling Rennie to lay back and enjoy it. Does he mean the “drugs” he just pumped into her body? Or is he like… actually raping her and we’re just not being shown it? Because I’m leaning hard towards the former. Rennie… again, I fail to understand what exactly I’m watching happen, emotions-wise, because I don’t know. Is she relaxing as the drugs hit her? Is she giving in to the situation?? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Long-hair smiles and announces he’s in love. (Oh, by the by, Jason picked up the syringe. Also, neither Rennie nor long-hair have noticed the undead supernatural serial killer STANDING RIGHT BESIDE THEM.) Long-hair leans in to… do something… when Jason plunges the syringe through his back. Um. No. The shot of the needle, unbroken and unbent, visibly wiggling around because Jason has pushed it clean through long-hair’s torso and totally missed his organs and ribs, is ridiculous. Oh, Rennie’s screaming in horror. I guess the drugs haven’t taken a hold yet.

Jojo wanders back into the alley, announcing he forgot his money. UH YOU JUST ROBBED TWO MEN AND TOOK WALLETS FULL OF CASH, PLEASE STOP LYING. He arrives just in time to see Jason rip the syringe, still in tact, from long-hair’s body. Long-hair falls onto Rennie, apparently dead.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+118)

“Who the fuck are you?!” Jojo yells at Jason.

(Um, I’ve noticed but haven’t mentioned that this movie is far slower at murdering “characters” then prior installments. Like great big plot-forwarding gaps between murders, which is dragging this film out far beyond “this is a sensible running time”. Chopping Mall killed its cast far more efficiently and even it felt it was dragging the whole time. This is double worse and vastly more insulting.) [Wing: Compared to this, Chopping Mall is a work of fucking art.]

I should mention Rennie is whimpering loudly under long-hair’s mangled body. Jason slowly stalks over towards Jojo because why not. Jojo pulls out that handy revolver and fires all six bullets into Jason, well, a couple at a time until the rounds are spent. Instead of being sensible and waiting until the gunfire ceases, Rennie continues to try and get away. Jojo and Jason are finally face to face, Jojo seemingly confused as to how six bullets have not stopped Jason.

I MEAN HELLO HE’S A GIANT, SOAKING WET, HOCKEY MASK-WEARING, SOMETHING’S OBVIOUSLY NOT RIGHT MUTE WHO JUST TOOK SIX BULLETS TO HIS ARMS AND TORSO BUT YEAH, STAND THERE AND BITCH AT THE GUN FOR NOT DOING ITS JOB, JOJO.

Jason grabs Jojo by the neck (?) and walks him over to a rusty pipe and bashes Jojo’s face/head into it, knocking part of it loose, which causes steam to spew out. I… uh… I guess Jojo’s dead.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+119)

Rennie, meanwhile, who is going to need serious therapy after this movie is over, manages to disentangle herself and run away. Stupidly, she starts screaming for help, which draws Jason’s attention back to her. Sigh.

Please note none of her companions came to her rescue. Not Sean, not Colleen, not Julius, and most decidedly not her uncle / guardian McCulloch. What fucking jerks. [Wing: And not even DOGGO. Though I’m glad for that.]

Jason lumbers off after Rennie. Because he’s got a job to do, damn it.

Smash cut over to Julius jogging through an alley. He finds a phone booth! Because those still existed then! He actually contacts the operator (that was the person who assisted you, for those reading who have no idea what a “pay phone” is) and tells them there’s an emergency and they need police…

…when Jason wanders up and punches through the glass, trying to grab Julius. Julius flees. You know, I gotta hand it to him, I did not have Julius high on my list of potential survivors. Dude is doing everything he can to survive, even if he totally did not survive being thrown overboard during a “raging” storm.

Julius begins to climb a metal fire escape ladder. I question this plan. I question it a lot. Because Jason just wandered into the frame and stopped at the bottom of the ladder. And we all know he’s some how able to fucking teleport himself now, so.

(“Let’s make it so Jason can teleport!” “Fuck yeah! We don’t have to explain how it’s possible or where he got the ability, no one will care!”)

Julius makes it to the roof and we’re shown some sort of highway? Okay, no, it’s a busy modern thoroughfare IN VANCOUVER, B.C. Not remotely New York City, assholes. Somehow Julius escaped the (completely empty and entirely void of people) docks and made it… downtown? When that “downtown” doesn’t remotely look like NYC? Even though I’ve never been there, I’ve seen enough of Vancouver on CW television shows to know what the fuck I’m looking at.

Even though this is apparently the dead of night, Julius leans over and sees two people walking on the sidewalk. He doesn’t call to them. Which was dumb because there’s Jason, on the opposite side of the roof. Julius appears to look for a weapon but finds nothing at hand, so he starts talking to himself and getting into a boxer’s stance. Uh oh. This will end badly.

Julius closes in on Jason and punches him three times right away, Jason staggering backwards with each blow. Three more punches, Jason still hasn’t fought back. I dunno much about boxing but I can’t imagine bare knuckle boxing where you punch a hockey mask as hard as possible being very good for your hands. I get that Julius is in a life and death fight to the finish but this seems a poor choice.

Six more punches follow suit. Jason is just staggering backwards like a drunk and I’m not sure if Julius is purposefully driving Jason towards the edge of the roof or what. Julius starts punching Jason in the stomach rapid fire as though Jason were some sort of punching bag (HA HA HA) and Jason just takes it. Julius is starting to tire out. He’s goes down on a knee, struggling to get up, continuing to swing at Jason.

I wonder. Does Jason remember throwing Julius overboard? Is that why he’s just letting Julius punch the crap out of him? A pity party because Jason is (seemingly) unstoppable and knows it but he’s letting Julius wear himself out so he can throw him off the building?

I’ve lost count of how many punches were made but Julius’ knuckles are badly bleeding. Even if the skin isn’t torn open and that’s just fake blood gooped on his hands.

Julius takes a swing and totally misses. We’ve made it to the edge of the roof. Jason stands there. A second swing hits open air. Julius realizes the bell is about to ring. “Take your best shot,” he orders Jason, panting for air.

Jason grabs Julius by the front of his track jacket and swings, literally knocking Julius’ head from his body. The head flies through the air, rolls down part of the building, and lands in a trash dumpster, the force of the head causing the lid to fall closed.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+120)

As “cool” as that should have been, the fact it’s A) obviously a foam mannequin head because the neck is formed at the bottom just like a foam mannequin head you’d set on a table or something and B) even if you could believe Jason was capable of punching a head clean off a torso, there should be part of the spinal column still attached or something because I’m pretty sure a head doesn’t detach that cleanly from a body, and C) that fake blood painted on the “bottom” of the head is so outrageously fake. Also D) why is there no blood squirting into the air from Julius’ headless torso?

Well, Julius survived Jason once but that second time, Jason made sure he was dead.

BACK TO WHEREVER. Rennie is wandering around pretending she’s been shot up with illicit “drugs” because yeah, she’s totally drugged but completely able to wander around under her own free will. She stumbles about and the images become wavy and have after-image effects because, why not. Gotta push that RENNIE WAS DRUGGED narrative.

Sean wanders into the frame. Because, again, why not. He grabs his sort-of girlfriend and asks what they did to her. “Jason is here!” she cries. Because yeah, I guess that would be very important to tell someone. Sean immediately freaks out knowing Jason is around. He insists they have to find the others.

WHY?? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO FIND COLLEEN AND MCCULLOCH? THEY ARE USELESS, THEY ABANDONED A STUDENT SLASH NIECE TO BE DRUGGED AND RAPED, THEY ABANDONED THE LAST TWO SURVIVING STUDENTS WITHOUT DECENT EXPLANATION YET YOU WANT TO HELP THEM? DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND GETTING THE FUCK AWAY FROM JASON IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO IN THIS CURRENT SITUATION??

Well, there’s Colleen. Wandering down an alley alone in the dark. A cop jumps out behind her, aiming his gun, yells “Freeze!” Colleen stops. McCulloch wanders into the shot. “It’s okay, she’s with me.”

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS

Did the cop just put his gun in his jacket pocket?!!? He actually walks up to Colleen and says, “My apologies.” THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW THEY’RE IN FUCKING CANADA.

Sean calls out and he and Rennie enter the scene because we’ve got to get wrapping this up, there’s only 20 minutes left. McCulloch pretends he’s actually happy to see his niece, hugging her. Rennie stares at him, blank-eyed and mouth-open, before running over and hugging Colleen. Oh that will go well. Just wait. Get your popcorn ready.

Well, fuck. Sean interrupts and tells McCulloch that Jason is in New York. McCulloch tells Sean to shut up. Rennie confirms it’s true. Like McCulloch will believe any of them. The cop escorts the four survivors to his patrol car, SOUNDING EVERY INCH A CANADIAN. Oh my god. He opens the rear passenger door, allowing the teachers and students to climb in. McCulloch, who apparently has the authority to order a “New York City” police officer to do his bidding without question, orders they have to find Julius. The officer says he’ll pop up, and backup will be summoned.

As the cop opens his door, the light switches on and reveals Julius’ (oh so fucking fake) “head”… on the dashboard? I can’t tell. Colleen and Rennie scream. The cop freaks out, causing the head to fall to the floor, causing Rennie and Collen to scream more. (HEY. WHERE IS DOGGO????) The cop grabs his radio handset and tries to contact dispatch but HERE’S JASON!

Jason grabs the cop and drags him into a narrow passage between two buildings, stretching the radio’s cord until it snaps. Rennie climbs over the seat into the driver’s seat, but is frozen when she sees Jason standing down the alley, blocking the street. Look. Now is not the time to freak the fuck out, Rennie.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+121)

Taking time to SHUT THE DOOR, Rennie slams her foot down on the gas and burns rubber in order to crash the patrol car into Jason. Will this work?

Well. She hits Jason with the car, causing him to roll up the hood and windshield, but he then promptly rolled off the car without doing any damage to the hood and windshield. What the fuck. Rennie hung a hard left, leaving Jason laying in the alley. McCulloch actually screams at her to slow down, BECAUSE HE IS A CONTROLLING ASSHOLE.

Rennie does not heed her uncle/guardian, because she’s currently staring at Sloth, Jr., who’s standing in the middle of the next alley over, wearing swim trunks. Okay, now he’s REALLY turned into Jason in human child form. What the hell is going on? ARE CHARACTER BACKSTORIES CONVERGING AND BLENDING INTO ONE ANOTHER?? BECAUSE THAT KID LOOKED NORMAL THE FIRST TIME HE ATTACKED RENNIE.

Oh this is hideously bad editing. Everything shifts into super slow motion, before BAM BAM BAM plays and a series of jump cuts puts us in a close up on, yes, that is definitively Jason as a malformed child. If the first time wasn’t enough, we get a second BAM BAM BAM and even more close ups (this is just stupid) as Rennie stares in… is that shock or disbelief or confusion, I CANNOT TELL!

The patrol car slams into a wooden barrier and instantly the engine bursts into fire.

Meanwhile, Jason lays in the road, unconscious from being hit by a patrol car. I’m not even going to bother with the trope, because EVERY FUCKING ONE OF US KNOWS HE’S NOT DEAD AND IT’S NOT EVEN A GOOD FAKE OUT.

Everyone piles out of the patrol car, totally unhurt by slamming into a wall at high speeds this is bullshit. Sean pulls Rennie out and opens the back door for McCulloch and Colleen. WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE’S COLLEEN?? Sean turns back and yells, “Van Deusen!” just as the patrol car violently bursts into flames. Like, wow, overkill much?

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+122)

Now, I damn well know that I didn’t see Colleen moving around in the backseat as the other three fled the patrol car, so I’m having a hard time believing Colleen died in that explosion. And the movie’s giving no indication that she survived, so hence my confusion. I’m not the only one, as Rennie moves away from Sean and McCulloch, staring at the burning wreckage, before she focuses on a puddle on the ground that is burning. Sure enough, green screen turns it into a pool of water. Because yes, even though she is FULL OF ILLEGAL DRUGS, Rennie is still having full fledged hallucinations based on her traumatic backstory.

Oh, we see images in the hallucinated puddle, a row boat with two people in it. Okay. Reality fades into the memory, and we’re on a lake, watching said people row said row boat. Another fade out transition and we’re watching a young girl talk about how it’s a perfect day. An older adult male sits across from her, OBVIOUSLY MCCULLOCH I AM NOT DEAF OR BLIND, talking about how it’s a perfect day to swim. Of course now they physically show it to be true. Who would ever be fooled by that?

McCulloch rambles on that OBVIOUSLY RENNIE HIS NIECE has been coming out to this lake for the past three summers but has never learned to swim. Young!Rennie says she’ll take lessons. McCulloch, because we know he’s a dedicated asshole, insists it’s time for her first real swim lesson. So he’s been a pushy asshole towards this poor girl her entire life. Great.

He actually has the audacity to bait and terrorize her by saying she doesn’t want to drown like that “Voorhees boy”. Oh my god, seriously. This is the worst, most bullshit, plot-convenient backstory ever. “He never learned how to swim, either. He’s still in the bottom of this lake.” McCulloch chides his niece and I wish he would fucking drown, the smug prick. YOU WANT HER TO SWIM BUT TELL HER THERE’S A CHILD’S BODY IN THE LAKE, YEAH THAT WILL WORK WELL. He doubles down by saying Jason is ready to pull down anybody who falls into the water. Because McCulloch is a fucking asshole.

HOW FUCKING FAR BACK IS THIS MOVIE TRYING TO RETCON THIS FRANCHISE? BECAUSE THIS WOULD ERASE… HOW MANY FILMS??? At minimum the last two, maybe even up to four. Wow. Just wow.

Rennie says McCulloch is lying and he immediately throws/pushes her overboard into the water, then sits watching her feebly dog paddle. “Better swim, Rennie, before Jason pulls you down!” THIS MAN IS AN ASSHOLE AND SHOULD NOT BE IN CONTACT OR NEAR ANY CHILD HOW THE FUCK WAS HE ALLOWED TO BECOME A SCIENCE TEACHER??

Suddenly, Rennie is pulled underwater and attacked by the deformed child Jason. I know the prosthetic makeup is supposed to be scary, and it is, but it’s also poorly done and just looks hideous in a bad way. Suddenly we smash cut back to Rennie in the present, again some kind of unidentifiable emotion on her face, as she realizes the truth.

Insert shot of Jason still laying motionless on the pavement.

OKAY. SO THIS IS THE SECOND FILM, IN A ROW NO LESS, THAT HAS PURPORTED A WEIRD PSYCHIC MENTAL LINK BETWEEN THE LEAD FEMALE CHARACTER AND JASON. WHY IS THIS A THING? IT’S NOT EVEN WELL DONE. BOTH CHARACTERS HAD SOME WEIRD TRAUMATIC INCIDENT ON CRYSTAL LAKE AND BECAME LINKED TO JASON?? NO WAY!

Rennie stares at the burning patrol car, I swear her hair is getting bigger by the frame, before she turns around and glares at McCulloch. “You pushed me into the lake,” she hisses at him. “I was only trying to teach you,” he replies, because McCulloch can’t ever be wrong or admit he made a fucking horrible and abusive mistake.

She tells him she was drowning and McCulloch doubles down – because face it, that’s the one-note this character repeats – that he pulled her out and saved her life. Sean gets in on the party: “You son of a bitch!” Hm, almost forgot Sean was even standing there.

Rennie whispers that “he” was down there before storming off. Sean pushes McCulloch into a pile of bags full of shredded newspaper before demanding that McCulloch keep away from his niece. What? Sean runs after Rennie.

Jason comes to with a violent music cue.

McCulloch looks up to see Jason looming over him. “It’s not possible!” he whispers in a hoarse voice just before he gets up and runs away. He tries to hide on the second story of an abandoned building but Jason just MAGICALLY APPEARS there and shoves McCulloch out the window, where he falls to the ground. Bloodied and battered, McCulloch struggles to get up, looking up to see Jason MAGICALLY APPEAR and grab him by the collar. I don’t know why we need the shot of the dead rat floating in the water-filled oil barrel but we get it. Is it a callback to the introductory montage from the very beginning of the film? OF COURSE IT IS!

Jason upends McCulloch, who is begging for his life, and puts him head first into the dead rat barrel. Green water overflows as McCulloch displaces the liquid, kicking his feet as he begins to drown. You know, the prosthetic arm makeup on Jason is just so fucking fake and half-assed it’s not cool. Even the drowning of McCulloch is so fake – Jason flailing around while holding onto McCulloch’s legs, what the hell is happening?! – that I’m severely disappointed. McCulloch deserved a less symbolic and much worse death.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+123)

Sean skids to a stop, grabbing a gratified telephone pole to help him round a corner into another trash-filled alley devoid of people, because apparently that’s all there is in Vancouver, B.C. New York City. He finds Rennie curled up in an abandoned chair. AT THIS POINT WHY THE FUCK NOT.

Yet again, what the fuck emotions are these characters conveying?? Rennie is supposed to be drugged out of her mind yet she just casually lays back her head and starts telling her tragic backstory to Sean. Her parents were killed in a car accident and the authorities came to the school to tell her. “Everybody I care about I lose,” she whines, and I’m guessing she’s referring to Colleen, THOUGH I DIDN’T SEE A FUCKING BODY.

Sean reassures a tearful Rennie, and I am paraphrasing here, that he’s not going to die. They kiss. BECAUSE WHO CARES THAT AN UNDEAD SUPERNATURAL MAGIC PONY NAMED JASON IS PROWLING AROUND STALKING THEM TO MURDER THEM. THIS MOVIE DEMANDS ROMANCE BE PRESENT SO THE VIEWER CARES ABOUT THIS STUPID YOUNG COUPLE. [Wing: And yet movie fails. Again. Constantly.]

That’s when Jason, literally, crashes through some conveniently placed cardboard boxes and barrels, creating a thunderous noise that disturbs the tender moment. Sigh. Rennie and Sean flee, because yep, now they remember they’re still in fucking danger.

This movie is so insulting, it hurts.

Rounding a corner, the couple find an entrance to the New York City subway. Now, I don’t know for certain, because I’ve never been to New York, but I’m pretty sure that’s NOT what any of their subway system access points look like. IT LOOKS SERIOUSLY CANADIAN, THOUGH. Jason catches up and walks through the plate glass door without stopping. Because, special effects?

Oh yeah, I’m also damn sure that escalator tunnel is also VERY FUCKING CANADIAN. I’ve seen enough of “New York” subways in films to know that is not remotely New York. Even the train Sean and Rennie jump aboard doesn’t have that gritty New York feel, though it is heavily graffitied to fake it. Yeah, nope, totally Canadian.

Sean and Rennie drop onto bench seats as the train takes off, gasping for air. Rennie looks over through a clear divider and sees Jason staring at her through the window of the automatic door between the train cars. Because why not. We have about 10 minutes left of this film and my god, it just sinks to new lows. Just fucking end already.

The couple takes off, running down the aisle of the train cars, as Jason moves steadily after them. None of the other passengers seem to do more than stare, implying nothing rattles Canadians New Yorkers. Jason angrily pushes a woman out of his way, causing her to land on the bench and cry out in pain but that’s it. [Wing: Jason’s ignoring so many victims just to get these two. Damn it.]

Sean and Rennie come to the end of the train and are trapped by the back door, which will not open. Turning around, they see Jason slowly advancing. Rennie screams hysterically, “HELP!” A long-haired man looks up at her before nodding off to sleep. (What the fuck?) Sean risks the $100 dollar fine and pulls the emergency brake, which sends Jason flying backwards and sliding down the aisle, away from them.

The train stops and we hear passengers yelling angrily about missing their stop. Because, Canada New York. Jason gets up only to find Sean and Rennie have managed to pry open the back door and escape onto the subway tracks. Because yeah, that will work, fleeing into a dark tunnel where fast-moving subway trains run and that electrified third rail.

Holy shit! Jason exits the train only to have Sean take a flying leap out of nowhere and knock Jason onto the ELECTRIFIED THIRD RAIL! It is exactly like Jaws 2! JASON LIGHTS UP IN A SHOWER OF SPARKS as Sean cowers and tries not to catch fire. Rennie screams but watches Jason be electrocuted. Jason shakes as though he’s suffering a grand mal seizure, sparks flying everywhere, weird sound effects playing to convey he’s been z-z-z-ZAPPED! [Wing: As if electricity would kill him as well as revive him.]

Even after all that, none of the subway passengers show any interest. Fuck.

Jason goes still. Rennie runs to Sean’s side. They look at the painted warning on the rail: 6000 VOLTS. Will that be enough? *looks at counter* Nope. Still ten minutes left. I am not bothering with the trope. HE’S NOT DEAD, HE’S THE ENERGIZER BUNNY AND YOU JUST RECHARGED HIM, YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOTS.

Rennie and Sean slowly walk away, leaving Jason’s “corpse” (HA HA HA NOPE) before suddenly walking out of a REAL NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY ENTRANCE. Holy shit, we just jumped from Canada, across an entire continent into a different country, to New York City! The power of editing, folks! And the power of advertising! Look, it’s McDonald’s! And Sbarro pizza! And Panasonic! And JVC! And Sony! Enjoy Diet Coke, Foster’s Beer, and Suntory Whisky, kids! There’s the Criterion Theater down the street! WE’RE IN OLD SCHOOL TIMES SQUARE!

Yeah, this is depressing, it doesn’t remotely look this gritty anymore. A lot of this has been destroyed or replaced. I wish I’d been able to visit before it became ridiculous.

The camera does a sweeping panorama shot – that was a massive advertisement for Hawaii – before returning to Sean and Rennie. Seriously, they are shocked and impressed by their first look at Times Square New York 1989. It’s amazing, they went from underground Vancouver, B.C. to New York Fucking City in a single edit!

“It’s over,” Sean intones, clinging weirdly to Rennie’s forearm, as they walk like zombies among the homeless. Of course, they don’t hear Jason running up behind them. We see Jason stop and look around at the blazing advertisements of Times Square before he breathes ala Darth Vader, because I just don’t get it.

Rennie turns around but it takes her nearly a full 10 seconds before she realizes Jason is standing there, staring at them menacingly. She pulls Sean around to see, before they take off. Rennie actually tries to ask a group of African-American men for help but Sean pulls her away, and off they run. Because remember, no one in New York cares.

They run past a group of… punks? that are sitting listening to a boombox stereo propped up on  cardboard box. Jason stalks past and kicks the box, knocking the stereo to the ground. OH MY GOD, THE MOVIE SUCCEEDED IN MAKING ME LAUGH ALOUD!! I didn’t think it would happen but that was fucking hilarious.

The punks rise, grabbing melee weaponry, threatening Jason. One has a thick chain, another two pulls knives. Yeah. Jason stops, turns around, and lifts up his mask. The four punks immediately pale at his twisted yet unseen by audiences visage. “It’s cool, man,” the leader stammers before the punks flee.

Smash cut to a plate of half eaten food in a greasy spoon diner. The waitress stubs her cigarette out in the eggs before picking the plate up and putting it on a counter. The phone rings and she answers in a bored, lifeless tone. “We’re open til 3am like always,” she tells the caller, as Sean and Rennie rush in, out of breath. Sean demands she has to call the cops.

Okay, if you want help, maybe say HEY WE NEED HELP PLEASE CALL THE POLICE. Not rushing in and demanding something. Waitress tells them there’s a payphone in back but it’s broken. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND A MANIAC IS TRYING TO KILL US!”

The waitress gives Rennie that look we all know and probably use all the time. “Welcome to New York.”

Look, I know, I lived during the time these jokes were constantly made about New Yorkers and how everything bad happening there happened all the time but most of the citizens were so jaded and disinterested they could watch a mugging happening and walk past without a second glance. That’s the point trying to be made here but it’s dated now and I wonder how much of that was made up to deflect from all the horror of daily life in NYC through “humor”.

Jason bursts through the wooden doors because he’s beyond using door handles. First that plate glass door, now the wooden one. Geez, asshole, how rude.

Everyone in the diner seems to pause and look up to view Jason’s arrival. Rennie and Sean start running towards the back of the diner. The waitress dials 911. The cook comes out of the back, pushes a dude in a leather jacket out of the way, and yells at Jason. He thinks because he’s as tall as Jason they’re an even match. Nope.

Jason picks up the cook and throws him into the mirror behind the counter, the waitress shrieking and ducking as her boss practically falls on top of her. People whisper to each other and start to leave the diner. The waitress pops up from behind the counter as Jason approaches. She closes her eyes in relief as he just wanders slowly by.

Uhhh, huh? Shouldn’t he be killing everything in his path? Or is it just whomever was on the ship?

Sean and Rennie come to a back door that is bolted with all kinds of locks and an oversized security chain, which apparently is a concept Sean doesn’t quite understand how to work. Finally he gets it undone but they find themselves trapped by an iron gate. So Sean runs into it and it busts wide open. What the fuck?

Running into the alley they come to a dead end. Which, hello, is obvious. Why didn’t you run the other direction? Sean ping pongs himself off locked doors, trying to gain access to what, hide from Jason? You’re an idiot, Sean. By the time they decide, HEY LET’S RUN UP THE ALLEY IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION THAT OPENS ONTO THE STREET, Jason is blocking the exit.

Sigh.

Rennie finds an awfully plot-convenient open manhole that accesses the sewer. She and Sean immediately climb down into the sewer. What, now you’re hoping the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles can save you from Jason? You’re a little early. That movie didn’t drop for another eight months after this one’s release.

I love how this sewer is so well-lighted. And it’s just water and not all the truly disgusting ephemera you’d find in reality in a New York City sewer. Rennie and Sean climb into a tunnel full of water and start running, the appropriately spaced lighting illuminating their path. Jason, meanwhile, has descended the ladder. This becomes scenes cut back and forth, of Jason slowly, methodically, plodding along after his prey, while Sean and Rennie run for their lives.

You know, what happened to the Statue of Liberty? I was damn sure that was going to show up more in this film then just a random shot when they arrived in the harbor.

Ah! Jason takes off into a side tunnel. Sean and Rennie keep running until a man in a hard hat and a rain slicker, brandishing a large wrench, runs in from a different side tunnel. Everyone gasps. He asks what they’re doing in the tunnel.

Sean asks for help in getting out of the sewer. The worker informs him they have to leave ASAP because this particular tunnel floods full of “toxic waste every night at midnight.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. It must be Techno Global Research Industries flushing that last batch of ooze. They have just ten minutes to exit the sewer.

OH GEE. WE HAVE EXACTLY 10 MINUTES OF RUN TIME LEFT. BUT YOU KNOW 2-5 MINUTES OF THAT IS EATEN BY CREDITS SO, SAY, FIVE MINUTES LEFT OF ACTUAL FILM. Sigh.

Does this mean Jason gets dissolved in a flood of toxic waste? Because it’s been done. And done FAR BETTER then anything this movie could do.

Okay, let’s just take a leisurely stroll through the sewer tunnel that’s so well lit that worker is just holding a flashlight for no reason, and none of you are in any hurry even though two of you know there’s an undead supernatural serial killer hunting you. SIGH.

Jason pops out from a side tunnel, grabbing the worker and knocking Sean into the wall. Sean is sitting up but apparently unconscious? Rennie dodges and watches in horror as, via shadows on the tunnel wall, Jason smashes the screaming worker with that heavy wrench. Fake blood is thrown on the wall in an unconvincing splatter pattern.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+124)

Man, this film keeps having huge gaps between killings and I keep forgetting I’m trying to make record of them. This is taking forever. [Wing: I just want Jason to decide whether he is killing anyone around or just Sean and Rennie, because he keeps killing some people and ignoring a bunch of others. It’s not like the worker was really in Jason’s way at this point.]

Jason walks over to Sean, whose jaw just totally moved, and raises the wrench to bean him when Rennie grabs the forgotten flashlight and shines it in Jason’s face. He’s momentarily distracted. His focus switches to Rennie, who has some weird triumphant look on her face?

“You didn’t get me in the lake!” she yells at Jason. “And you’re not going to get me now!” Um, well, you are the Final Girl, so plausible? But now you’ve got his full attention, Rennie. Jason walks slowly towards her, forcing her back into the tunnel. Are we still on that 10 minute toxic waste flood clock?

Rennie runs back up the tunnel at full speed. Jason, why didn’t you turn around and kill Sean? C’mon, he was right there and it was easy pickings! Sigh.

More endless cat and mouse chase footage. Sigh. This is boring. Rennie finally comes to an alcove and finds a CONVENIENTLY PLACED BARREL OF TOXIC WASTE. BECAUSE WHY NOT. She beats on the lid with the flashlight until it comes loose, which is like on the second try. THIS MOVIE LOVES PLOT SAYS SO.

Jason hears the noise and stops, just as Rennie RUNS OUT AND SPLASHES HIM WITH THE CONTAINER OF TOXIC WASTE, HOLDING THE TINY BARREL IN HER BARE HANDS BECAUSE THAT’S NOT GOING TO GIVE HER ANY TROUBLE OR ANYTHING.

Having been hit full force in the hockey mask, Jason… utters a noise that I guess is a scream? and rips off the mask, revealing a… really goofy looking horror sfx makeup / mask? that is melting from said “toxic” waste. He continues to trumpet like an elephant as Rennie screams in horror and runs past him, back towards Sean’s unconscious form.

Jason staggers and stumbles down the tunnel after her. I guess the “toxic” waste has melted the skin off his face and made his skull a “mask” now? Is that what they’re going for? It’s not done well at all.

Rennie magically finds Sean and tries to wake him. Ominous noises echo down the tunnel. Is that the “toxic” waste flood or Jason coming? Sean manages to get to his feet and Rennie drags him down the tunnel, in a circle, back to that ladder the used when they entered. That’s some really shitty editing to make it seem like they were trapped in a maze when they weren’t ever remotely trapped.

And Jason, still staggering around, is right there. His face kind of looks like the Silver Shamrock skull mask but melted and combined with skin. Hey, wait, did Jason tune in for the big giveaway at 9!?

Sean isn’t conscious enough or has a concussion, pick one or both, and is slow to climb the ladder. Rennie tries to urge him on. Jason comes closer. I sigh and look at the clock and wonder if 10 minutes have passed in movie time so we can have that fucking toxic waste flood already.

Oh, apparently they found a different ladder slash access point, because there is a locked grate preventing Sean and Rennie from escape. More ominous sounds come from the tunnel, as the overhead lights sway in a breeze.

I can’t tell if Jason is grabbing for the metal ladder or Rennie’s ankles? That is so confusing. The lights sway harder as if there’s a giant earthquake. Jason stops and takes note. A violent rushing wall of water appears at the back of the tunnel, speeding towards the survivors and Jason. “Mommy, don’t let me drown!” Says a child’s voice. Jason vomits up water. Is he reliving his drowning??! WHAT THE FUCK??

The wall of water / toxic waste / whatever hits and takes Jason under. But, because plot says so, it is conveniently only high enough to hit Jason and not get Rennie, who climbs one step higher on the ladder and clings to Sean, safely out of the danger zone. (ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.)

There is… smoke? Mist? Something? rising and Jason is underwater. Sean and Rennie finally look down just as Jason’s… corpse? pulls a Paul and rises from below the toxic waters, his melted face captured in a death scream. Of course Rennie and Sean scream in horror. I don’t. I’m so fucking bored and disappointed.

For… reasons… I’m totally unclear about… we see a boy that doesn’t look anything like child!Jason begging for help as he dog paddles in the lake superimposed over now!Jason’s dying body. Then there’s a pool of fire. What the fuck?

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+125)

Smash cut to shot of the Statue of Liberty as super fake animated lightning bolts appear in the sky, slamming around before finally hitting the torch and settling across the statue as an ominous thunderous roar plays. Huh.

Rennie, who is basically piggybacking Sean at this point, looks down to see a normal hand in the water. What? The toxic waste flood subsides enough to reveal a normal sized boy child in swim trunks laying on the concrete. What. This movie is trying to tell me that the toxic waste melted the layers of adulthood AND evil off Jason until he was back to his innocent boyhood form pre-drowing?? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

The hockey mask floats by, discolored and damaged.

Okay. I guess I thought hey, maybe Colleen will free them, but nope, Sean and Rennie just magically escaped the sewer under the own power, no showing how they got out. BECAUSE PLOT SAYS SO AND FUCK ANYONE WHO DARES QUESTION GIANT PLOT HOLES!

[Wing: WHERE. IS. DOGGO?!]

It’s… light out? Or is that just street lights? Are we back in Vancouver, B.C.?? CONFUSING. The couple wander the street, rounding the corner of a building. Sean withdraws the golden Statue of Liberty charm that he’s had in his pants pocket the whole time and starts yammering on to Rennie about how he hears there’s a 22 storey tall statue “round here” before revealing he saved it. Rennie… again, how do you even describe the “emotions” these characters are displaying, there is nothing to grasp or describe. She half smiles and takes the charm, before she kisses Sean’s cheek and hugs him. He holds onto her, before the camera switches to shitty bad guy POV again and ominous music plays.

The camera zooms in on Rennie, who manages to actually look shocked and horrified properly. Before the shot turns around and IT’S DOGGO! DOGGO SURVIVED! DOGGO WHINES AT RENNIE.

“Toby! Doggo!” Rennie cries in relief as Sean manages to raise his eyebrows in surprise but otherwise, that’s the extent of his acting abilities. Rennie crouches and hugs Doggo before the trio of survivors wander off into Times Square once more. The song “The Darkest Side of the Night” by Metropolis plays again as the shot lifts higher to show more of Times Square as the credits begin to roll.

Eventually the screen turns to black, white text credits rolling.

THE END

Final Thoughts

I know I have extensively complained over the last seven recaps about how dumb this movie franchise can be and honestly, A New Beginning is where the franchise really lost the plot. I know I said Part III 3D was awful but it’s starting to look like a fucking masterpiece compared to the last three entries.

But, really, Jason Takes Manhattan is a whole level of low, a low that not only insults its audience but doesn’t deliver on any promises or chart any new territory, even though it’s the first to take Jason clean out of his home territory of Crystal Lake. That is depressing. According to the wiki article, this started out as two separate ideas: one version on a ship, another where Jason was transplanted from Crystal Lake to somewhere else to go on a murder spree. But nope, they combined these ideas into a single film and it shows, because it was done poorly.

The FX makeup, the special effects, the long drawn out scenes between kills, Jason randomly deciding to attack a boat full of high school seniors, Jason having some weird mental connection to a female student that amounts to fucking nothing… it’s all bad. Honestly, I look for potential in movies, figure out what could be changed to have made something work. But… this movie has zero redeeming qualities; shit writing, shit performances, questionable casting, no believably, and it seems to retcon several of the franchise’s films just to “reboot” the series for the, what, fourth time?

The fact that, when reviewing my recap before publishing it, I made so many observations that either came true or I totally forgot because by the time the story connected to the things I’d observed, I’d forgotten them, that’s real bad. I’d like to congratulate myself on being so prescient about so much, though. Damn.

It’s hard to write up my thoughts. There’s just so much wrong and awful, insulting and bad about this film that I feel like raging about it does me no good. It’s not like it’s new. It’s several decades old. Nobody cares at this point. Apparently it’s one of the films in the franchise that is very dividing among fans, with most leaning towards the HATE THIS SHIT HOW THE FUCK DID THIS GET MADE side.

A quote from the wiki: “On his commentary track for the film in the box set, director Rob Hedden acknowledges the faults and agrees that more of the film should have been set in Manhattan, citing budgetary and schedule problems.” NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. IF THE MAIN CHARACTER IS SUPPOSED TO BE IN FUCKING MANHATTAN THEN WHY IS 90% OF THE MOVIE SET ON A GODDAMN SHIP THAT ISN’T EVEN SAILING, 9.9% IN CANADA, and 0.1% IN ACTUAL NEW YORK CITY??

It says the next films were released through New Line Cinema, which has me… cautiously hopeful? It’s gotta get better, right? This is literally the lowest point in the Friday the 13th franchise, so… yeah?

In conclusion, I will never get the time back I spent watching/recapping this film and I will forever be mad about it. But, I am now really sliding fast down the slope, only 3 films in the original series to recap! I will be the Final Virgin Standing!

So for now, shut those curtains, wash your hands, and wear a fucking mask, until the next installment of Let’s Do It!: A Virgin Does Horror!

[Wing: This movie is so, so bad. So. Bad. But Virgin will save us all, thank god, or at least keep taking one for the team. Also: DOGGO LIVED. I still want to burn this movie to the ground, though. It’s so bad.]

Final Counters

Crystal Lake Body Count: 125
Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 21
He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1