Title: Goosebumps Spill Your Thrills Scary Stories, a.k.a. “Doki Doki Goosebumps Club”

Authors: Various

Acknowledgements: GBCompletionist who brought this to my attention

Summary: Congratulations! Scary Story Winners

They spilled their thrills and gave us goosebumps! If you’re in for a chill, just select an author below to read their spine-tingling story!

Initial Thoughts

Happy Valentine’s Day to Point Horror, and what better expression of love than these eight short tales submitted by Goosebumps fans in the late 90s?

It was GBCompletionist over on twitter who brought these to my attention while perusing the archived Goosebumps website via the Wayback Machine’s archives. I remember frequenting the original Goosebumps website as a kid. As in desperately hoping they would post workable video clips from episode other than the five popular ones. This section, however, completely slipped my memory.

The first four are archived here

And the next four here

Now because these stories are so short, that means they basically run on “Well That Escalated Quickly.”

Trigger warning for spiders in one of the stories, Wing.

[Wing: Hope that escalates and explodes quickly, too. Otherwise I’m excited for this! Even though I’ve made it a belated V-Day gift for the site.]

Recap

Math Forever by Matthew Law

We already cut right to the action as poor Matthew’s being chased by a hideous monster in his very own home! The monster screamed at Matthew, green ooze bubbling out of his mouth, as it ordered Matthew to do the worst thing imaginable.

READ.

Matthew ran into his living room where the creature threatened to eat him if he didn’t the dreaded math book. The monster lunged at Matthew, but at the last second Matthew jumped out of the way and the monster landed in the fireplace. Matthew watched in relief as green ooze bubbled out of the fireplace.

No one’s gonna make HIM read his math book!

Later in the day, Matthew’s science teacher announced they finally received new textbooks. Because funding in the school systems is a fucking joke.

Unfortunately, Matthew was able to judge THIS book by the cover when a familiar looking face began to ooze out of the cover.

As the monster’s face emerged from the science textbook, it threatened to eat Matthew if he didn’t read this book…

FOREVER!

[Wing: That monster would be my best friend. I want to read the science textbooks!]

A Pet Owl by Charlie J. Devita

Jim and Tom both wanted [INSERT TITLE HERE] and knew to hunt for one during the day since owls are nocturnal creatures.

The two boys climbed up a tree and found an owl sleeping in its nest, only SURPRISE! The owl was awake the whole time and turned to face the boys. Apparently this owl didn’t practice dental hygiene, as it had a mouth full of sharp fangs and nasty green teeth.

This huge owl grabbed the boys in its talons and flew off to an even bigger nest, filled with lots of other boys. The owl was slowly amassing a collection of boys who were foolish enough to try and capture it as a pet. Well turnabout’s fair play, betches! [Wing: I love this fierce monster owl.]

But then at the last second a bolt of lightning struck the tree, and the branch with the owl’s nest fell to the ground. The boys all escaped to their homes, while Jim and Tom decided to get a dog.

[Wing: A dead dog? I hear they still fetch.]

A Scary Adventure by Laura Sebert

While walking in the park, a group of young girls realized a man who was following them. No, he wasn’t walking behind them, he was following them!

No matter how fast the girls walked, the man walked faster. No matter how fast the girls ran, the man ran faster. He wouldn’t stop following them, and the girls were all alone. No one could help them.

Finally, the girls had reached Laura’s house but the man had beaten them to Laura’s front door. He had a scarf wrapped around his mouth, which reminded Laura of the Shadow. They expected his face would be horribly scarred, but instead his jaw was covered with moles. The man reached out his hand, and he held…

HE HELD…

Laura’s hat.

She dropped it and he was trying to give it back to her.

[Wing: Fuck you, dude. I deeply hate this sort of setup because it undercuts how girls and women are encouraged to ignore their instincts because what if the guy is just trying to return your hat, he didn’t mean anything by it, whatever. Lesson to the dudes out there: Don’t fucking do this, don’t fucking walk up on a girl or a woman from the back with no warning, don’t follow them, just fucking don’t.]

A Strange Noise by Jeremy Harrison

Five years back, Jeremy and his family lived in a red barn house in the farming town of Sterling, Connecticut. Y’know, the kind of place where everyone knows everyone.

It was a warm morning in summer when Jeremy heard it. He was trying to eat his pancakes when he heard [INSERT TITLE HERE]. A sort of scurrying noise in the heating vents.

Oh that was probably just their pet prairie dog, Petey. He probably got out of his cages to run around in the vents like… waaaaaaaait. If that’s Petey eating in his cage, then who, or WHAT, is moving around in the vents? [Wing: They have a pet prairie dog? That’s unusual.]

Mom got worried. Mom told Dad to check it out. Dad told Jeremy to check it out. Because of course that’s what you do when you hear a strange noise in the heating vent – have your child find out what it was.

Jeremy went down to the basement, and there he saw a web.

And on that web was a big ass spider.

So Jeremy’s dad hit the spider with a big ass shovel as it jumped at him.

[Wing: Big ass validation of that response, Jeremy’s dad.]

Dreamland by Ross T.

Ross had his friend Ryan sleep over one night, and they stayed up late to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Now, Ross didn’t believe in monsters so he didn’t think he’d have trouble sleeping. WRONG! Some invisible force pulled Ross out of bed and forced him downstairs. Instead of his living room, Ross found himself in some strange cloudy area. And guess who was there?

Every single Goosebumps monster ever and, and, OH SHIT IT’S FREDDY KRUEGER RUN BITCH RUN!

NO WAIT IT’S EVEN WORSE BECAUSE FREDDY PULLED OFF HIS FACE AND IT WAS REALLY R.L. STINE!

That was when Ross woke up…

And saw every Goosebumps monster ever was inside his room, alongside Freddy Krueger who was really R.L. Stine.

Stine asked if Ross would like his autograph.

[Wing: I WOULD I WOULD I WOULD.]

My Dream Doll by Rachel V.

Rachel couldn’t believe it! A brand new toy store, “Mr. Amazing’s Wonderful World of Toys,” just opened up! Oh with the big sign and all the neon colors over everything it was breathtaking. Because as you know, Rachel’s a pretty big doll collector and she was looking to add to her massive collection.

Rachel barely walked in the door when she found the perfect doll. A doll that looks EXACTLY like her. Oh surely this will end well, especially when the sales lady said it wasn’t sale and Rachel threw her money down before running off with it.

That night Rachel fell asleep with the doll on her dresser.

That morning Rachel woke up and discovered she swapped bodies with the doll while she slept!

And is surprisingly chill about living in a dollhouse from now on since she’s got her own working hot tub.

[Wing: She’s maybe a little young to be so done with life, but, uh, I could use a dollhouse break myself, especially with a working hot tub. Also, I love living dolls in dollhouses. Excellent creepiness.]

Jack’s Monster by Kara H.

Jack was a man. Jack was a man who told jokes. Jack was a man who told a joke about a monster in his house.

Jack scared his wife.

Jack scared his son.

Jack scared everyone with the joke about the monster for like two months, and after two months they told Jack to shut the fuck up.

Jack and his family went to pick raspberries two weeks after his last monster joke.

Jack stayed behind when his family decided to look for huckleberries.

Jack saw a monster for real and shit himself.

Jack got eaten by a monster.

Jack can still be heard screaming “Monster” in Dalhart, Texas, to this day.

I do not like Jack.

[Wing: I laughed.]

The Remote by Josh R.

Josh was minding his own business one day when he found a remote on the street. He didn’t know the remote had powers which could be used for good.

Or for EVIL!

But then Josh dropped the remote and it was found by his enemies. One of them used the remote on the others, until he started pausing everyone left and right.

Then he dropped the remote.

And the scariest thing about this story is that’s a rehash of Stine’s “Click,” yet it’s somehow BETTER.

Final Thoughts

Man if only I’d gotten my shit together when I was a kid, my name might be up there with these literary giants of yesteryear.

Seriously though, these are exactly the kind of stories I would’ve made up when I was a kid.

Wing what’s your favorite? Because for me it’d have to be Ross T. for giving us the first official Goosebumps/Elm Street crossover.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

I heart vou.

[Wing: Rachel’s Dream Doll! I think a lot of us can see the appeal of time to rest in a dollhouse with a hot tub.]