Title: The Accident by Diane Hoh

Summary: On the eve of her “sweet sixteen” birthday, a girl meets a ghost with a tragic past.

Megan Logan’s sixteenth birthday party is in eleven days, and she still doesn’t have a date. For months she’s been secretly in love with her best friend, Justin, but she’s afraid to tell him how she feels. By the time her party starts, though, boys will be the last thing on her mind. While Megan tries on her party dress, three of her friends go for a ride to the lake. As the car makes a sharp turn, the steering malfunctions, and the girls fly headlong into a utility pole. Two escape with minor injuries, but one is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. As Megan worries about her friend, a spirit appears in her mirror: the ghost of a girl who died decades before, on her sixteenth birthday. As the ghost attempts to take over her life, Megan just hopes she can make it through her party alive.

Tagline: She has returned. From the dead…

Notes: I will use “Bad Guy” throughout my reviews to refer to the anonymous killer/prankster/whatever. Doesn’t mean it’s a guy. I will now refer to the bad guy as “Muffin Man” because of The Mall.

Initial Thoughts:

I used to love this book. It had actual ghosts in it. Instead of being lured in with the promise of supernatural, only to find out it’s a regular human being, this one had actual supernatural. And it was lovely. I also remember that it had a heavy dream summer/romantic feeling throughout, slightly hazy and lazy. It’s one of the reasons I love Diane Hoh so much. I have not read it as an adult though, and I’ve been putting this off, because I’m worried that, like so many before, I won’t enjoy it as an adult.

In other news, I am addicted to Planet Coaster, and this recap is taking me away from it. If anyone else is playing, let me know, and we can discuss how utterly swoon-worthy the game is.

[Wing: I’ve never read this book before. It is a little strange, but not nearly as weird as last week’s Pike. In comparison, this one is practically reality.]

Recap:

So, we open with an early heatwave in late May, and the students of Philippa Moore High are often cutting class to find cooler places to hang out. Jenny, her sister Barbie, and Cappie (real name Catherine), decide to cut class and go to the woods by the lake. They drive out in a big yellow convertible which Jenny’s brother, Gene left when he went to college. Really? The car sounds awesome, it has fins. Gene, take it with you.

There’s a tight curve that Jenny has driven hundreds of times, and she usually takes it like a pro, but this time the steering wheel moves too easily, and heads straight to a utility pole. Jenny panics and tries to brake, but instead slams on the gas. Crash, boom, bang.

(I suspect, as with Funhouse – Dade, Sheri and Joey – that these three are throwaway characters and we’ll never see them again.)

Next chapter. We meet our lead, Megan Logan, who is a dreamer with thick dark curly hair and green eyes. She’s at home, trying on a dress for her sweet sixteen party. She’s also way too warm because they live in a big house on the lake that’s too old for air-con. [Wing: The whole town seems to be too old for a/c. I can’t imagine living somewhere without it, though I know most places don’t regularly hit 100+ degrees F.] They inherited it from her grandmother, Martha. They only moved in three months ago after Martha’s death.

Her dress has to be perfect because Megan wants to look amazing for Justin Carr, who she adores. She hasn’t asked him to be her date yet, but she will. Actually, Justin seems adorable:

During the past year, Justin had become one of her best friends. He made her laugh. And he listened. Most boys didn’t. He never teased her about preferring jazz to rock music, or for taking long walks by herself, or for being late repeatedly to the first-period science class they shared. The last time she’d come in late, walking into class sweaty and breathless, it had been because she’d stopped to pick wildflowers. When she had unthinkingly blurted out that truth to Old Ollie, the entire class had roared with laughter. Except Justin. He had smiled at her and gone to the sink at the back of the room to fill a beaker with water, which he then presented to her with a flourish. Flushing with embarrassment, Megan had thrust the black-eyed Susans into the beaker. Justin carefully installed the bouquet on his lab table, where it remained until the petals turned gray-brown and began to fall.

Justin calls her and asks if she’s ready for a quiz, then makes a comment about one of the girls in class batting her lashes at the teacher, and refers to her as a “sexy type” – in the context of the teacher won’t fall for it. Megan gets in a snit and strops off the phone. Then sulks further when he doesn’t say “Oh, stay, I can’t live without you, I need you to stay on the phone with me.” Fuck off, Megan. A person, even one you’re married to, is allowed to acknowledge that other people are sexy. You two aren’t even dating because you can’t get your nerve up, despite the fact that EVERYONE keeps telling you he’s into you. Also, Megan is one of my favourite names and you’re ruining it. Be better, Megan.

Then when she gets off the phone she’s angry with herself for not asking him to the party.

She turns on the radio and there’s an announcement about the car crash. Her other best friend, Hilary, calls – her dad suggested it might be a tyre blowout given the heat. Since they don’t know much, the call is short.

Megan starts crying, and then a soft voice asks why she’s crying.

There’s a wispy, smokey, plumey thing in the mirror. After a sizeable chunk of terror, Megan asks who and what it is. It is Juliet.

Juliet asks Megan to listen to her, and Megan is half terrified, and half rationalising that she’s asleep and dreaming, so listens. Juliet says that she and Megan were born on the same day, which is why she can talk to her. Juliet was supposed to have a sweet sixteen but it was cancelled because she died in a boating accident at a cove on the lake. Megan knows most people avoid that cove because it’s rocky and has tangled plants and undergrowth. It’s generally a death trap. Juliet was thrown overboard and couldn’t swim, so she drowned. Sad face. Juliet then notices that Megan’s crying again, so she apologises for upsetting her and leaves.

Megan falls asleep. The next morning there’s no evidence of Juliet in the mirror, so Megan convinces herself it was a dream because she was upset about her friends having an accident, she dreamed of someone her age having one. That’s not completely stupid, so ok then. I’m four chapters in and haven’t used a counter yet.

At school, Hilary tells them that Barbie’s ok, Cappie has a broken wrist and bruising, but Jenny’s got a “a really awful head injury” and a shattered collarbone. Really? You’re not even going to let me use my beloved head injury counter? You’re going to give that injury the gravitas it deserves? *sigh* Oh, Hoh. I love you.

[Wing: It’s saying something that realistic treatment of concussions seems to be the way to your heart, Dove.]

Also, Hilary got asked out by Donny Richardson, and he’s not tall, cute or athletic enough for her, so she said “Not in this lifetime.” Nice. Megan calls her on being a dick, but then Justin says that he asked Jenny out, she was much more polite than Hilary and he stomped off. He also asked Cappie out, and yelled at her when she used the “washing my hair” excuse. Ok, so Hilary might lack tact, but this guy sounds like he has a “nice guy” complex. Oh, in case you missed it, this is a Red Herring: 1 – yay, I get to use a counter.

Also, Megan feels like she’s being watched all day.

When she checks her art cubbyhole she finds a piece of red construction paper with a drawing of a yellow car driven by a horse wearing a necklace (we later find it’s not a horse, it’s a female mule, a “jenny”), a chocolate bar and a bee in the passenger seat (Barbie), and a baseball cap and a pea in the back (Cappie). This is a picture version of Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m going to fucking kill you: 1. Wing is going to be so happy. Megan initially throws it away, but then retrieves it.

[Wing: I actually love the punny picture notes, and would take them over ridiculous rhymes any day.

In fact, I am going to share my current favorite pun with you now. Read it out loud as you go:

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten. Ten tickles.

I am sitting here cackling, now.]

She gets home, the mirror is empty, yay. And then Juliet speaks.

Dun-Dun-DUNNNNN!: 1 (Cliffhanger endings of chapters for no reason other than to build false tension and piss Dove and Wing the hell off.)

I’ve let a few of these pass, because I thought they were sensible, but this is the second time Hoh has broken a chapter in half on Juliet’s first words. Juliet says that in order to connect with someone, they have to live on the lake and have an open heart. Oh and be the same exact age as her, right down to birthday date. Them’s some tough criteria. Jules really lucked out on Megan moving in.

Megan slightly warms to the idea of listening, then when she finds out Juliet knew of her grandmother, connects slightly. Megan feels sad for Juliet that her life ended so early. And here comes the plot. In order to be at peace, Juliet would like to trade places with Megan for a week, just before her birthday, and then she’ll leave. Megan is quiet at that proposal and Juliet is immediately apologetic and leaves her alone with her thoughts. Juliet is really good at being pitiful and evoking sympathy.

Hilary calls later to say that Jenny’s car was deliberately tampered with. She floats the theory that Donny did it as revenge, because it has to be someone who knows auto mechanics.

“Hilary, practically everyone at Philippa took auto mechanics, including most of the girls.”

In a book from the 90s? Very cool. [Wing: So fucking cool. I want to live in that world.] And also: Red Herrings: 2 (+1)

Megan remembers the picture in her art cubbyhole, and then remembers that she cut class, so she initially thought it was a sick joke, but actually it might be a warning/threat. She doesn’t want to take it to the police because Oh you wacky kids, with your hi-jinks and your pranks: 1. To be fair, she might have a point, since it looks like a kid’s drawing.

She talks to Juliet again, and says she doesn’t believe trading places is possible. Juliet says it is, and if she did, she would have no form, she would be invisible, but Juliet could hear her at all times. Megan says even if it was possible, now’s a bad time because accidents and shit, but Jules is all “No way, I can sense evil, you’d be totes safe with me driving your body. Safer than normal.” Eventually Megan says maybe she’ll think about it.

[Wing: Why in the world does Megan believe she can sense evil? What part of being dead makes that a thing?]

The next day she talks to Justin. She tries to bring up Juliet, but…

“Well, it’s just… something weird is going on at my house.”

“At your house!” he exclaimed as he pulled away from the curb. “Listen, your house is probably the only place in town where weird things aren’t happening. Someone screwing up Jenny’s steering, now that’s weird!”

Justin. There has literally been one incident. Jenny’s car was tampered with. Nowhere else in town is having issues.

I thought he was supposed to be smart and a good listener?

He does listen about the picture – he’s the one who deduces it’s not a horse, it’s a jenny. He asks her to meet him in the Scribe (school newspaper) office after school.

Megan meets up with Hilary (I keep nearly typing Hildy, not a good reference) and she’s spitting nails because Vicki Deems, a Black Widow: 1 (an evil woman that commands the attention of men), is back at school, and she thinks that Vicki’s going to steal her man. Megan doesn’t like Vicki either. Red Herrings: 3 (+1)

[Wing: Teen!Wing would have wanted to climb Vicki like a tree.]

She finds another picture in her cubbyhole. Ok, just as a test, what do you think of when you see this?

[Wing: The antichrist is being born soon.]

You see, that’s how it’s described (a pink wavy line on dark blue paper), only Megan conveniently picks it up the right way around so it looks like a hill – Hilary. I’d be staring at that for ages. Is it water? Is someone pregnant? I’d never figure it out. Maybe green paper or green crayon or colour it in. Come on, Muffin Man, you had time to draw a whole fucking car, a mule, a necklace, a cap, a pea, a chocolate bar, and a bumble bee. You can’t be bothered to colour in a hill? [Wing: Yeah, laziness for this second note.]

Also: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m going to fucking kill you: 2 (+1)

Meg freaks out and runs to the stage where Hilary is. She’s up on the catwalk and Megan watches “in horror as her best friend began to descend toward certain death”. Only she doesn’t die, she grabs a rope and doesn’t fall.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (Where the story tries to convince us that there really is a body count, only to later reveal the victim only sustained minor injuries.) Ok, these counters are starting to ramp up now.

Hilary says she was pushed, but no-one was up there with her. She reports it to the Principal, but since nobody was up there, it gets written off as an accident. Megan waits with Hilary until her mum picks her up, then heads down to see Justin.

She walks in on Vicki whispering in Justin’s ear. THAT’S LIKE THIRD BASE, PEOPLE! Megan naturally deals with walking in on this highly erotic and barely legal act by running off in a strop and ignoring Justin when he calls out to her. Black Widow: 2 (+1) (I wonder how many people are going to be disappointed when those keywords lead them to this page.)

[Wing: They can hang around and talk to me about how amazing Black Widow is, and how MCU Black Widow deserves her own damn movie. A Red Room movie that deals with the Black Widow program and includes the Winter Soldier. I would pay so much money to watch that movie.]

Megan manages to focus on the big picture though, she’s nearly lost four friends in the past few days. Giving up a week doesn’t seem like such a big deal. She calls out several times to Juliet, but Jules doesn’t show up.

She falls asleep and has a nightmare containing those eight-legged beasts [Wing: WHY WHY FUCKING WHY] that Wing hates so much. She wakes up to Juliet calling her name. Juliet’s sorry she didn’t come earlier, but she was so scared of getting a no, she didn’t want to hear it out loud.

She tells Juliet that she wants to know everything about the swap. They practice swapping a few times. As a ghost, Meg feels weightless, but doesn’t like the dark emptiness of the mirror. Jules says Meg can go wherever she wants as long as she doesn’t leave the lake area. When it comes to swap back, she says, “I am Megan, and I want to be me again.” and bingo, back to Megan. Which is absolutely not a placebo at all. No way.

Megan says the official swap will take place tomorrow, giving Jules a week as Meg, and Meg will be back to herself for her party.

Megan spends the day running errands for her party. She ignores Justin both times he calls, and thinks that Juliet can deal with that. I hope she does, you emotionally stunted moron. If you like a boy, you can’t punish him for interacting with other girls. You’re not even dating, and you’re still being a child about this. [Wing: She is super trusting of Juliet. I mean, obviously, because she’s giving up her body, but she’s also trusting Juliet to handle the situation with Justin in a way that is best for Megan. How can you do that?

…

I clearly am too much of a control freak to give up control. Sorry, ghosts.]

And boom, they swap.

The swap doesn’t feel like the practice. She feels all wrenched out and far away.

Jules immediately takes a bath, puts on makeup (in a very 40s style, blue eyeshadow, loads of mascara – not Megan’s look at all) and is ready to go out. Megan goes downstairs and feels sorry for herself because her family are all eating with her, but it’s not her. By the way, she has a family, mum, dad and brother Thomas.

They go to a play that Thomas is in. Juliet flirts madly with Justin, and Megan is miserable about it. At this point, I don’t care about this romance. Megan seems to act like a brat around him.

Megan’s mum, Constance, insists that nobody go out until they find out who’s been causing the accidents, instead they hang out at the house. Juliet is still all over Justin, and Hilary seems down in the dumps, surprised by “Megan’s” new feistiness.

Megan leaves them to it and goes out on the lake with her dad. She also lists off some Red Herrings: 4 (+1) who are also present, so something’s going to happen.

When the near the shore, they find Meg’s mum floating face down in the water. Dad and Thomas see her, and so Megan races to the house and tells Juliet to dial 911. Justin notices she dialled before she was aware of the emergency, but she says she saw them through the window.

Mom’s fine. She says she sitting on the dock when was hit from behind.

Megan wants to swap back, but Jules turns on the waterworks and Megan backs down. When Juliet goes to sleep, Megan sees a picture in Juliet’s bag of a convict and a knee – Connie, her mum, even though she’s only been referred to as Constance in the text, but whatevs. Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m going to fucking kill you: 3 (+1)

She wakes up Juliet and enquires what will happen if Juliet dies in Megan’s body. Welp, Meg will be stuck in Juliet’s world. Good to know. Might come under the heading of “things to disclose before agreement”, but what’s done is done.

Oh, wait. Next chapter contradicts that and says that she’ll just disappear. Continuity? Fuck that shit: 1 (Because why stick to what was said last chapter? Or even last sentence. Make it up as you. If your lead character says it, it MAKES IT SO!)

Juliet spends pretty much all her time snogging Justin and offending Hilary. Megan strops about, complaining that Juliet isn’t taking the danger seriously. OMG, I WONDER WHY, COULD IT BE THAT JULIET IS THE MUFFIN MAN?

Megan finds a picture in her art cubbyhole again. I guess Juliet the Muffin Man helpfully leaves them facing the correct way so that an incorporeal person can see it. The picture is of a tom-tom, which is both Megan’s dad and brother.

Dad tells Juliet that nobody is going out tonight, so Juliet sneaks out. I have to say, her evil is better than Book!Wing’s in The Perfume, and Juliet’s pretending to be decent. Book!Wing, someone pretending to be good is more badass than you being downright evil. [Wing: Book!Wing doesn’t deserve the name. I mean, SHE DIDN’T BRUSH HER TEETH OH NOES THE HORROR.]

Megan goes to the mall, and finds Hilary defending Megan’s new flirtatious side to Vicki Deems. Even though Hilary isn’t talking to her at the moment, she’s still standing up for her. I like it when girl friendships are nice. Also, Vicki’s raging that she’s not giving up on trying to get Justin. Dude, no.

Hilary goes in the ice cream place to order desert, she ignores Juliet and Justin, but he calls out to her, tries to make up and suggests they go on a boat ride. Juliet freaks. the. fuck. out. She then pretends it was her mum’s accident that made her scared of the water, which is a good cover.

Megan again reams Juliet for not being careful, and she notices that Juliet’s booked a haircut for her sweet sixteen. Jules claims it was a surprise, but Megan likes her hair the way it is. Obviously, this is Juliet planning on keeping the body, but a better lie would have been, “Of course I’m not getting your hair cut, I’m getting it styled for the party.”

A lot of this book goes thusly:

Megan: Be careful of my body.

Juliet: I’m totes careful. I can sense evil.

Megan: BE CAREFULER!

This recap is sponsored by the WWE: 1 (Recap! Recap! Recap! Something happened last chapter. Tell us about it! Tell it again. Then tell it one more time. Because otherwise we’ll forget.)

Finally, something happens. Her younger brother is hit by an eighteen-wheeler truck. Thomas rounds a corner, sees the truck, tries to brake, brakes don’t work, and he collides straight into it. And somehow a skinny ten year old takes on an eighteen-wheeler truck and they call it a draw. Thomas survives. (Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want the kid to die, I’m just saying it was unlikely.)

[Wing: Yeah. Even as slow as the truck is going, this is the most unbelievable part.]

Thomas and mum head to the hospital in an ambulance, and Megan waits for Juliet, whose response is basically, “OMG, how awful. This won’t affect your party, will it?”

Megan wonders who is doing this, who could hurt a kid, and she rules out even Vicki. Then she decides Vicki might, if she was crazy. Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 1 (Essentially, “crazy” is a blanket term for a bad person with no qualms about killing anyone and everyone. Often because they are “crazy”. Because that’s how mental health works.)

When they establish Thomas is stable, everyone bar mum heads home from the hospital. Dad goes to bed, and Juliet tells Megan she found construction paper and crayons in Donny’s locker. Megan, dick that she is, is less fussed about the evidence and more worried that someone saw her body breaking into his locker. Juliet explains that she can leave her body – so, even though they’re weightless, they can open lockers and carry things? This whole setup is incredibly woolly. [Wing: Wait, does that mean Megan can do the same? Or is she really just looking at pictures left out in the open?]

Juliet says she’ll go to the police tomorrow and they’ll arrest Donny and Megan thinks that’s true. What. So a teen walks in with construction paper and crayons – which you can buy anywhere – and says she stole it from someone else’s locker, and they’re going to arrest him? This is probably the stupidest lie so far.

The next morning, Juliet is gone when Megan… I don’t know, I guess she doesn’t sleep, so what was she doing? [Wing: For some reason, she hangs out at the lake all night, rather than walking around town, keeping an eye out for bad things happening to her family, or basically anything useful.] Megan finds a sexy party dress, not her style, but Juliet’s in the closet, and wonders if Juliet will have to take it back, since it’s probably for a fancy date, but Justin will probably cancel now that Thomas is in the hospital.

Good lord, Megan, drop the idiot ball. She’s staying put in your body. How much evidence do you need? DED FROM STUPID: 1 (Exactly what it says on the tin. If you do not understand this trope, then you are the cause of this trope.)

That afternoon Juliet says that the Sheriff wasn’t there when she called in, and Meg told her not to cut class, so she went to school.

At night, Juliet sleeps soundly, and Megan thinks it’s weird that on her last night, Juliet’s sleeping, not experiencing every last second of being alive. DED FROM STUPID: 2 (+1)

[Wing: Super heavy handed lesson for Megan, too, about how she’s never been someone to try to ring every last second of excitement out of each minute, but maybe she should be in the future.]

On the last swap day, Megan stalks her family, trying to keep them alive. She finds Juliet taking a nap (again, weird) – except Juliet is oddly still and stiff – and then there’s a yell, and Dad has fallen from a ladder through a window.

Suddenly, it falls into place that Juliet can leave Megan’s body, and cause the accidents.

She runs to confront Juliet, who immediately spots that Megan’s finally cottoned on. Juliet was Martha’s stepsister. So, does that make Juliet Megan’s step-great aunt?

Megan’s only ever heard of “Etta” the step-sister. Martha’s mother demanded they call her Etta, because Julietta was too “fanciful”. Hi thar, Juliet’s Dad, A+ parenting on letting your new wife rename your child and shame her for a name that she had no control over.

Actually, Juliet’s story is sad. After her mother died when she was nine, Juliet took care of her father, helped him hosting parties for work things, and they got on just great. Then he met Lily, who had a girl and two boys, they fell in love, and they had to move into the lake house. Lily insisted they rename Juliet. Juliet’s father forced her to go boating with Martha, because Martha said Juliet had stolen all her friends. Juliet was thrown from the boat unconscious, and Martha was just fine. But she just clung to the boat and watched Juliet drown. And, I have to say: Cheer on the killer: 1 (Because the protagonist is such an insufferable wretch that you can’t help but side with anyone who wants him or her dead.)

Megan defends Martha, saying that she’d never hurt anyone and that Juliet probably did steal all her friends because she was jealous. Uh, yeah, ‘bout that. Humans cannot be emotionally stolen. They are not yours. (Unless we’re in a different genre and the stealer has some kind of mind-control device, or whatever, then I suppose you could make a case for stealing.) If they were really her friends, they would still be her friends – and see through any kind of lies that Juliet might have told to break up their friendships. Maybe not all of them, but some should have stayed. [Wing: I agree people are not objects that can be stolen, but they can absolutely be manipulated into dropping friendships by someone who sets out to do so. Not saying that’s what happened, but totally possible.]

Juliet adds that they were arguing in the boat, she demanded that they turn around, Martha refused, then they hit the rocks, where Martha left her to die.

“I don’t think so. I think she tried to save you. You couldn’t have known, because you were unconscious. I think you hate her so much, you don’t want to believe she tried.”

And just to clarify, Juliet is targeting Megan because she was Martha’s favourite. Juliet couldn’t get revenge on her, so she decided to take on Megan instead.

Megan tries the “I am Megan, and I want to be me again” thing, but Juliet says she forgot to mention that the consent has to be there on both sides, and she’s not giving the body back. Oh, and after midnight tonight, Megan vanishes forever.

And a random POV switch. Justin’s not totally into the new Megan. He liked the old one that wasn’t quite so vapid.

Megan realises that she’ll have to get Juliet out on the lake if she wants her to vacate the body, so she’s going to try and talk to Justin. [Wing: This makes me wonder if she really could have been talking to everyone the whole time. Juliet tells her it’s because of the open mind and good heart, blah blah blah, but Megan doesn’t even really try to talk to anyone else one on one instead of just randomly yelling.]

It works after a few tries, and he’s on board with the plan.

He finds Juliet and asks her to go on a boat ride, she balks at first, but then he lays it on thick about how grown up she’s been this past week, but if she’s still mommy and daddy’s little angel, he’ll call Vicki, she loves the water.

Juliet grudgingly agrees. She gets scared on the boat, especially when they go into the cove, but she won’t let go. Megan makes herself known, and tells Juliet to leave. Juliet, who clearly didn’t learn from her last fail, decides that the best thing to do is wrestle control of the boat from Justin, while going through the most treacherous cove around, where she died from doing exactly the same thing.

Crash. Water. Fear. Vacated body.

(Side note: water is referred to as “boiling”. Suspect the author meant “roiling”. Or Megan’s lack of first degree burns is a continuity error.)

[Wing: I want the power to set water on fire.]

Final Thoughts:

Well, that actually wasn’t as awful as I thought it would be, it has actually lived up to the test of time. Megan’s idiot-ball holding was annoying, but overall, this was pretty good. Since Wing and I seem to be polar opposites at the moment on books, I suspect she hated it.

[Wing: Hee. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t enjoy it as much as you did. I thought Megan was rather annoying most of the time, but I think it boils down to the fact she gave her body to Juliet because she thought Juliet would better be able to keep her friends and family safe. I can’t fathom giving up the ability to act in a situation like that. Of course, I am also a control freak bag of dicks, so I probably don’t have a good enough heart for it all in the first place.]

Final Counts:

Black Widow: 2

Cheer on the killer: 1

Continuity? Fuck that shit: 1

DED FROM STUPID: 2

Dun-Dun-DUNNNNN!: 1

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 1

Oh you wacky kids, with your hi-jinks and your pranks: 1

Red Herrings: 4

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m going to fucking kill you: 3

This recap is sponsored by the WWE: 1