Title: The Werewolf of Washington (1973)

Summary: A reporter who had an affair with the President’s daughter returns from an assignment in Hungary with a hairy problem. That’s when the bodies start to pile up.

Tagline: Washington paralyzed in fear of hate-crazed monster

Notes: My copy came from the good old tubes of You. Not the best of quality and my kingdom for subtitles, but it got the job done.

Initial Thoughts

Howl-o and welcome back to the second installment of 2024’s Snark at the Moon!, for the Super Beaver Moon. Yes, there was an election 12 days ago. No, I did not think things through when I chose this movie last year and thought how hilarious it would be to watch the one fucking film about a werewolf running amok in Washington D.C., and basically screw up the White House, and forgot that my recap would drop post-election. So yeah. Foresight is important, kids!

That said, what a timely pile of garbage.

[Wing: I don’t know how you could have read one recap on this site that involves my writing without learning this, but let me be blunt: Too many people in this country hate me and people like me, and if I could send a werewolf of my own to D.C., I would. I am furious and devastated and exhausted, I took the first few days after the election to be numb (and to spend a lot of time at my day job, several emergency fires to put out), and now the work continues.

Still, my kingdom for a werewolf weapon I can aim at people and release.]

I could make up a story of finding this film but really it was just on a list on IMDb, which I was perusing for ideas on werewolf films I haven’t seen. Being that I am passingly familiar with Dean Stockwell, I figure, well it can’t be all that bad. Was I wrong? You’ll have to read the recap to find out.

Basically, Stockwell’s character was having an affair with the current President’s adult daughter. Fleeing repercussions and/or being a total dick about it, he took an reporting assignment in Hungary. But now he’s returning to Washington, D.C., to become the assistant press secretary. Of course we can’t leave a foreign country without something going horribly awry.

I thought this was a television movie, or at least what I found online presented it that way, but no? It was actually released in theaters, albeit it briefly, and was later given a PG rating. Which makes no sense but most of the time the rating system makes zero sense so whatever. Since it bombed out of the box office, the producers changed the title to Werewolf at Midnight and tried to downplay any mentions of the White House and politics. Which, considering this movie is nothing BUT those things while being set in 1973, it didn’t really work.

The trailer is probably better than the film, but even that’s not saying much.

Yeah, let’s just get on with the recap.

[Wing: May this mess of a movie and delight of a recap bring you some joy. Unless you support Trump, in which case, fuck off into the sea.]

Recap

An ominous voice over with the stark off-white title, featuring a bloody-orange-red full moon rising in the background. That it could “happen in America, that it could happen now, that it could ever happen to me.” Well, given that the TITLE is right there on the screen, I’m guessing where this is goin’.

Jack Whitter is his name and maybe you remember his byline? (Do people know what a byline is at this point in history? I mean, in 1997 Publications class, there were about three of us that did not know, so the teacher made one of the seniors explain to us freshman and boy, he was heavily sarcastic about it and I appreciated it. I felt so dumb. Oh well. [Wing: I am shocked that you didn’t know it in 1997. Wow. I don’t hear people using it very much these days, so you make a good point.] [bat: The thing was, when he said it, I was like “…oh. Yeah.” So I probably did know it but for some reason never made the connection.])

ANYWAY, Jack continues on filling us in on BACKSTORY AND PLOT EXPLANATION which I honestly appreciate but it’s boring AF. He was the youngest member of the Washington Press Corps – that’s D.C., not Washington state – and puffs himself up by saying he was a rising star and one of the “best and brightest”. Not sure anyone would agree but they’re not here to opine, this is Jack doing the voice over narration. [Wing: If his writing is anything like his narration, I mourn for the talent of the Press Corps.]

The background shot of the full moon changes, getting much larger, as the ominous score continues to play. Apparently a lot of blood passed under those “pretty Potomac bridges”. Ooooo! Foreshadowing??

Jack was fucking the President’s daughter, you see, and wanted out of the affair. Of course. Thinking of his career and “not wanting to hurt her feelings” (THAT’S UNPOSSIBLE, JACK) he asked for a reassignment to Budapest. (Remember Budapest?) Okay, so we’re not exactly in vampire Yeti country but we’re bordering on it. [Wing: If only we were in vampire Yeti days.]

PLOT TWIST: the President hears a rumor that Jack has been banished for being too pro-Administration and offers Jack a job. Uh. Sounds like actual Washington politics. [Wing: The truest part of this movie right here.] This, according to Jack, is where the terrible events that destroyed his life and career took place. I dunno, I guess schtupping the First Daughter doesn’t count as “career ending”. I mean, what am I saying, Jack Bauer was hot and heavy with the Secretary of Defense’s daughter and that got her (19 YEAR OLD SPOILER ALERT) murdered and Jack went on to struggle through another three 24-hour seasons, a TV movie, and a mini series… so I guess it really doesn’t matter. Never mind!

PICTURE GOES BLACK

(I really wish this had old 70s commercials to watch, it would break up the stupid so nicely.)

PICTURE RETURNS

A man with a 70s haircut is staring at a cane with a silver-figurehead attached. It has long ears, and is probably a wolf but from this angle it looks like a cat. “YES A CAT BIT ME AND I TURNED INTO A WEREWOLF. NO, IT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE IF YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT IT.” Or even better, it was a Yeti cat. See, there is a whole untapped avenue of ideas for werewolves right there for the taking!

[Wing: Yeti. Cat. Werewolf. *scribbles notes* I do love the Wolf Man nod with the silver-tipped cane.]

The dude playing Jack is Dean Stockwell. Which, if you’re a certain age, you remember him from Quantum Leap. No, not the recent reboot, the original version. Of course, he was in a lot of films and TV shows, I’m just demonstrating my age. [Wing: Oh that’s why he sounds familiar! God, I loved that show.] Fun fact: he died in New Zealand, which I did not know until writing this sentence.

ANYWAY, so Jack is eyeing the wolf head on the cane as a woman describes it as “silver”, found it in a “little shop”, and she didn’t think such things were left. Why? What? Jack asks what’s it for? She retorts something about you don’t know? AND FADE TO BLACK, great, these are worse than smash cuts. We return to a woman standing in front of a bunch of trees. Jack is promising Giselle a visa and a job, the latter of which she does not want.

[Wing: Gisele? My beloved? Is that you?]

Wow, the editing on this is terrible. Yes, it it did air on television on February 20th, 1973, so I guess editing is bound to be terrible but c’mon. Not all of this was needed. I’m not sure what the fuck just happened, because of the editing. It seems like Giselle was showing Jack the cane, then Jack was promising her a job and a visa which she declined, then he tells her they’re leaving. Sounds like Jack has an MO, fuck ’em and run. He collects a briefcase and she collects… something. Of course this is filmed so terribly and it’s so dark on the screen I can’t see anything. She was apparently standing in front of a window or an extremely large screen that was showing footage of trees. I honestly am not sure.

NOW THERE’S CAR HEADLIGHTS APPROACHING THROUGH THE VAST DARKNESS.

We can sort of see Jack’s face. He appears to be a passenger, not driving, and the car is speeding, and suddenly there’s an empty motorcycle, then a honking horn, and now the car is “crashing” into a tree. Um. The fact it barely taps the trunk after it was allegedly “speeding” is hilarious to me. Jack face palms before exiting the vehicle and starts yelling at the suddenly-there motorcycle rider. I swear he was not on the bike before this! Jack continues to yell, blaming the motorcycle rider for the accident, as motorcycle rider stares uncomfortably at Gizelle, who has now exited the car and walks over.

Jack is still yelling. The motorcyclist remains silent. Jack yells more, asking why the dude isn’t talking and does he speak English? AREN’T YOU IN BUDAPEST, JACK? [Wing: Everyone should speak English all the time, obviously. /Mericuh] Jack gives up and demands Gizelle get back in the car, he has to make it to the airport. Gizelle holds onto herself, staring back at the motorcyclist. Jack tries to start the car. I’m still not sure he was driving? I guess he was but damned if I saw his hands anywhere near the steering wheel. [Wing: From the way he talks, he was, but it’s impossible to make out anything in the night scenes.]

The car won’t start. Jack exits and begins to apologize to the still-silent motorcyclist. He says he lost his temper and his car won’t start but he has to catch a plane, it’s very important. Jack asks for a gas station or help of some kind.

The motorcyclist lets go of his bike and it crashes to the ground on its side. Well… that’s odd. [Wing: Vampire bikers would never.] He walks off in a daze as Gizelle continues to stare at him. SOMETHING TELLS ME THERE’S SOMETHING WEIRD ABOUT GIZELLE. Jack looks after the rider in disbelief. He stands beside Gizelle and starts yelling at the motorcyclist, then asks her how to say help in… I’m guessing Hungarian? (STATING THE OBVIOUS ONCE AGAIN.) She mumbles the word, which Jack screams.

It’s obvious SOMETHING IS WEIRD. I mean, it couldn’t be more obvious if it leaned up and bit Jack in the face. (“What’s that? A little vampire werewolf humor?!”) I’m also guessing that there was a commercial break, because the screen goes black just as Jack ushers Gizelle off after the motorcyclist. The film suddenly resumes and the weird angle of the camera is weird. Jack is explaining to someone off camera that his car is dead and he needs help and it’s all that dude’s fault.

Oh look, it’s mama! It’s the dude’s mother! Motorcyclist is standing well behind his protective mother, who is wearing what we like to call a “neckmess” or in layman’s terms, a whole lot of beaded necklaces at once. [Wing: Neckmess oh my god.] [bat: Remind me to email you a photo when I have a really good one going.] I guess this is some sort of encampment? The mother angrily says a bunch of stuff that Gizelle hesitatingly translates to they want Jack and Gizelle to leave otherwise they – meaning mama, the motorcyclist, and the rest of the crew – will. And Jack, of course, is doing the BIG ANGRY AMERICAN act that never works.

Mama and another man start to argue in Hungarian, shouting at each other and gesturing. Jack starts yelling in English about his broken car. This is going well. I can’t help but point out the five-pointed star painted on the van’s door. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Everyone gets in the vehicles as Jack continues to yell. Motorcyclist stands on the running board and looks menacingly at Gizelle. Jack tells him to stop it. Yeah, that’s effective. I’m going to say by the emblems painted on the van, mama is a fortune teller.

The van and graffiti-ed car drive away, Jack is still yelling. The fact they DROVE OFF AND LEFT A CAMPFIRE BURNING AMONG THE TREES PISSES ME OFF. We can’t really see much, since it’s VERY DARK, but we can hear the vehicles drive away. Jack decides Gizelle needs to stay with the car as he walks down the road because, “there’s gotta be a house down there”. Uh. We can see the crashed car’s headlights in the distance, shining through the trees.

Gizelle watches Jack walk away as wolves begin to howl ominously.

Jack apparently finds someone and attempts to communicate with the older man. There’s some confusion on the distance Jack has to go, and if he can walk it. We get an insert shot of the FULL MOON. More wolves howling. The older man says Jack shouldn’t go tonight and invites him inside, pointing out the full moon. Jack is talking about train schedules. The man eventually withdraws inside his home and Jack is left frustrated. Clearly Jack knows jack about SUPERNATURAL THINGS.

Jack actually yells, “What are you afraid of?” as the man turns out the porch light. Jack apparently returns to the car – we don’t see it – but finds Gizelle gone, the door wide open, and the howling has grown much closer. (Wouldn’t it be cool if Gizelle was a werewolf? I know Wing would love that. [Wing: Wing absolutely would love that, indeed.]) Jack retrieves a crowbar from the trunk and goes after Gizelle.

Again, another… was that a commercial break blip of darkness. Then we see Gizelle staring at… what I’m thinking is a German Shepherd playing the part of a wolf… and now Jack has joined the party, and there’s billowing smoke (fog?) everywhere and this is very artsy. I guess it’s implied Gizelle was cornered by the German Shepherd werewolf wolf but she soon moves away and now it’s attacking Jack. Oh shit, it’s not a crowbar, it’s that cane she bought! Jack is beating the daylights out of the German Shepherd werewolf wolf and we hear some whimpering cries as Jack finishes it off. BOO, JACK, YOU SUCK.

I guess that cane handle was made of silver.

Jack stumbles around, holding onto the tree for support, worn out from BASHING IN THE WOLF’S BRAINS YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE JACK and suddenly he realizes he has a massive bite wound on the left side of his chest. Like, it missed the raincoat entirely, not only tore his suit jacket but ripped the hell out of Jack’s flesh. [Wing: WHEN WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?! WHY CAN I SEE NOTHING?!] Jack looks at the ground and the German Shepherd werewolf wolf is gone, replaced by the dead body of the motorcyclist. DRAMATIC!!

Jack, having trouble believing what he is seeing, and also weakened by the bite, drops out of frame. Implying he has fainted, I guess. We SMASH CUT to Gizelle sitting on a bench, Jack standing next to her, a cop, and fortune telling mama standing nearby. In a building we’ve never seen. I’m guessing it’s the train station, based on the benches built into the wall.

Cop is telling Jack it had to have been a German Shepherd werewolf wolf because they found no corpse. YEAH BUDDY WE ALL SAW THE DAMN CORPSE. Jack is in disbelief. He insists he killed a man with the cane. Apparently the cop and Jack agree it was an accident but Jack presses, asking if he’s to be detained. Jack is also acting weird and I’m guessing NO ONE has thought to get him medical attention for that bite wound.

Gizelle pipes up that the inspector has offered them the use of his car and a driver. Yeah, I don’t think they’re detaining you, Jack. Jack demands to know why, if Hungary is crawling with bureaucrats, where are they and why aren’t they questioning him? Gizelle points out the authorities are willing to let them go, so LET’S GO. [Wing: Oh Jack, why are you like this? You were desperate to get out of the country not thirty seconds ago. (Okay, slightly longer than thirty seconds ago.) I do not for a moment believe you wouldn’t jump at this chance.]

Oh man. Jack asks what everyone’s trying to cover up. He asks if the White House is behind this. (???) No one knows what the hell Jack is talking about. [Wing: Jack doesn’t know what the hell Jack is talking about.] Jack keeps pressing on the bite mark, which isn’t visible under his raincoat. Gizelle thinks he’s crazy. Fortune Mama says something that Gizelle says translates to her pointing out Jack is feverish.

Inspector interrupts, saying he must ask them to leave the area ASAP. He repeats that no one has been reported missing and there’s no corpse. If Jack continues to be a nuisance, he’ll have him locked up. Jack asks how come the inspector speaks English. [Wing: Last night you had a fit because not everyone spoke English. Get it together, you fool.]

The inspector turns away and gestures at Fortune Mama, before walking away. She leaves, as well. Jack, clutching his chest, sits down, as Gizelle strokes his hair. We see the inspector get in a car and drive away, as Fortune Mama watches. She turns back and stares at Jack and Gizelle.

“That was your son that I killed, wasn’t it?” Jack asks. Fortune Mama replies and Gizelle confirms it was indeed. Jack asks why she doesn’t care. Gizelle translates that the son needed to die and Jack released him. Hey, here’s a weird theory: did the motorcyclist deliberately cause the crash in order to get someone to kill him or what? Imagine that kind of movie but make it a comedy where a werewolf is trying to get killed and always ends up saved or rescued or stopping an accident and being an inadvertent hero. There’s a good movie in there somewhere. [Wing: Fuck, I want that story. That would be delightful.] [bat: Apparently we really need to go into script writing, Wing.]

BACK TO THIS REALLY SLOW WEIRD FILM.

Jack just named dropped communists and secret police. Well, it was the 70s. Fortune Mama says something about a pentagram. Jack thinks she misspoke and says “Ah, the Pentagon is behind this!” Oh FFS, Jack. [Wing: The fact that this “joke” happens more than once in this movie with more than one characters is fucking stupid as hell.]

Gizelle clarifies it’s the PENTAGRAM, the mark of the beast. Gizelle shakes the head of the cane to emphasize it. Jack thinks it’s all insanity. Fortune Mama holds up a necklace as she explains with Gizelle translating that whomever is bitten by a German Shepherd werewolf wolf and survives, becomes a German Shepherd werewolf wolf.

“Bull.” Jack declares and demands Gizelle find out who Fortune Mama is working for. Jack, you are now a German Shepherd werewolf wolf murdering asshole. Fortune Mama ignores Jack and says he was bitten. Jack confirms it. Fortune Mama attempts to put a necklace over Jack’s head and around his neck – this is funny, she just had the chain undone but now it’s closed and this is awkward AF – and we get a voice over of Jack translating “Wear this charm over your heart, always. And remember: a werewolf can only be killed by a silver bullet or a stick with a silver handle.” MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS A CANE. [Wing: Hey, lots of sticks can have silver handles. I guess.]

Fortune Mama exits stage left before turning back ominously once more and saying “Heaven help you, my son.” before she disappears into the smoke/fog.

I get that the filmmakers wanted to get this over and done with and get to the (hopefully unintentionally hilarious) hijinxs Jack is going to get up to in Washington D.C., because this whole part of the film was heavy-handed and pretty dumb. And it doesn’t tell anyone who Gizelle is or why she matters. [Wing: The filmmakers have no sense of timing in storytelling is what’s happening, because the pacing of this goddamn movie makes no sense the entire way through.]

We get another FADE TO BLACK SMASH CUT, before swanky 70s elevator music starts to play and we find ourselves looking up at Jack from under the water in a toilet bowl. I give this 4 Stars for original weirdness.

Jack is holding the pendant Fortune Mama gave him, looking at it incredulously, before dumping it into the toilet. Jack flushes it away. JACK IS A FUCKING DUMB ASS. And my god that bathroom is the epitome of 70s decor. I want to tell you I’m having flashbacks but that’s because I grew up in houses that had leftover 70s decor, not because I personally lived in the 70s. My god, that wash basin is almost the same colour as the ones in my grandparents’ bathroom. Freaky.

Jack is fucking around with his bite wound, looking in the mirror. Firstly, DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE TOUCHING AN OPEN WOUND. And secondly, you’re a dumb ass, Jack. There’s a knock at the bathroom door. A woman’s voice calls out to Jack, who reties his bow tie and opens the door, only to be informed the President wants to see him and he’s in the woman’s bedroom. Uh?

Walking through the party in this, I’m assuming, private residence – that dude in the background is totally Secret Service – Jack makes his way towards wherever the bedroom is. Some woman is rambling on and on about communists and I’m guessing I should have paid attention to what she was saying but I am not. Oh shit, some dude says they’re going to rewrite the Constitution to prevent whatever the woman was bitching about. Sure. [Wing: Welp, glad to know things in a ridiculously terrible werewolf movie from decades ago are still applicable in today’s politics.]

We return to Jack, who knocks quietly on a door. He doesn’t wait for an answer, just opens the door and barges in. Dumb ass. Two men are talking in the bedroom. One motions Jack to come in. Jack shuts the door. That wallpaper is almost certainly grass cloth. ASK ME HOW I KNOW.

The President – who weirdly looks like Johnny Carson but isn’t? Nope, it’s actor Biff McGuire, [Wing: B I F F] who died in 2021 – greets Jack before telling the exiting man to settle it however they want but to make sure it doesn’t land back in the President’s or the AG’s lap. Suspicious. He asks Jack how his flight was but we SMASH CUT back to the loud talking lady, who is still loudly talking. She’s bitching about selling stock. I’m staring at that enormous rhinestone collar she’s wearing.

And SMASH CUT back to the private meeting. President dude is telling Jack that even though he’s a press agent, he’ll be dealing with the DOJ mostly.*laughs in 2024* He smirks that the AG is just too much for his own good. *more laughing in 2024* Apparently Jack is to restore the AG’s image with the press and to especially deal with someone’s nomination. I can’t understand the name otherwise I would tell you it. Oh shit. It’s the husband of rhinestone collar!

(I am yet again questioning myself as to why I thought it was a good idea to pick a political-based werewolf movie in 2024 but it’s too fucking late to quit now. [Wing: And somehow less stupid and terrible than reality.])

Oh god, she’s telling everyone how if her husband Elliot loses the nom, they’ll be happy to “stay home and make money”. Everyone laughs. Except Wing and I.

Back in the secret bedroom meeting, the President tells Jack she’s “a problem”. I COULD TELL YOU THAT AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THE MOVIE. The President goes as far to ask how to tell a man to dump his wife for the good of his country and apparently he’s being nominated to the Court because he’s a Southerner and it will restore balance to the Court and MY GOD WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GREAT TIME TO PICK A POLITICAL WEREWOLF FILM TO RECAP. [Wing: I HATE EVERYTHING.] [bat: I had no idea we’d be using this movie as a post-election therapy session, Wing. I don’t know whether I was just prescient (again) or stupid.]

Time is a flat circle, we never learn, we repeat all the same bullshit, I’ll be over in a corner hiding under fifty-seven blankets.

I’m currently staring at the matching drapes and bedspread and wondering why that was ever a design thing, although it was a design thing because my grandparents had a bedroom much like this where everything was the same pattern – wallpaper, drapes, bed covering – so I know it was very much a thing. [Wing: I swear I saw an ad the other day that showed this was in style again, but now I can’t find it.] [bat: I honestly wouldn’t be surprised; time, fashion, and decor trends being a flat circle that repeat.] The President concludes his little secluded chat by asking Jack if he’s seen Marion yet. He laments that he doesn’t understand young people these days (clearly President knows Jack was fucking his daughter) and that Marion is currently seeing a nice young man who is a psychiatrist. Figures. For some reason the President emphatically adds that he’s a Naval psychiatrist. Okay.

Back to the crappy party. President and Jack appear as Rhinestone woman is blabbering on her opinion about a Maryland senator. She gasps as the two approach and lays on the accent super thick as she welcomes the President, telling him she was bitching about Senator Bond to the AG, who looks utterly thrilled to be there. Apparently her name is Mrs. Margie Captree and what are the odds a werewolf will take her out? High or low?

All I know is Elliot Captree is a fucking pushover and the President jokingly tells Jack these are the problems we have and everyone nervously laughs. He introduces Jack and Margie squeals and asks if he’s the Jewish man hired to muzzle her. Wow. Just… wow. [Wing: I want to burn everything down.]

The weird papier-mâché elephant decoration in the red, white, and blue top hat floating in the background is too on the fucking nose right now. [Wing: BURN. EVERYTHING. DOWN.]

Margie says Jack looks smart and it’s way too pointed for everyone to not notice as the President excuses himself. Cue Marion arriving! Awkward time? Nope, she just stares and smiles at Jack, greeting him. Margie inserts herself into the conversation again and asks if Jack really was sent to Siberia. He interjects that it was Hungary, and Margie is all what? Elliot tries to get his wife to leave and she smacks him back into submission, telling him to go ahead and leave, saying she’s sure Jack will see her home.

YEAH, I’M THINKING I WANT THE WEREWOLF TO TAKE MARGIE OUT.

We cut to a shot of the Washington memorial, the little red lights blinking so an airplane doesn’t smash into it, the point of the obelisk blocking the moon. There’s some sort of metaphor there, but I don’t feel like reading into it. Slowly the moon appears, moving out from behind it. Doesn’t look full yet. Just looming menacingly.

Jack and Marion have moved to the kitchen, this time with an inflatable elephant on top of the fridge with a wine bottle. Stop being on the nose, fifty-one year old movie. Jack thinks telling Marion her father is a cross between Lincoln and Christ is the way to her bed. WTAF. [Wing: What. the. fuck.] They stare at each other before Jack attempts a move, when Marion cockblocks by telling him she’s engaged. Oops? “Already?” Jack seems a little stunned by this. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CUT AND RAN TO HUNGARY, JACK. This is interrupted by more weirdly zoomed-in telephoto lens footage of the moon moving in the sky. I don’t think it’s full. It’s too early in this film to be full. But it’s OMINOUS AF.

Back to the party. Jack is trapped on the sofa with Margie, who is pointedly fingering the side of her highball glass. Jack examines his watch. He says any time she’s ready, implying IT’S TIME TO GO BITCH, and Margie is all she has to finish her drink for the road. Yeah. She dribbles all over her ample bosom. Great. She is drunkenly yammering about people marching in the streets and catering to the “revolution”. Ugh. I think I am way more uncomfortable than Jack in this scene. [Wing: We are both definitely far more uncomfortable and also, I’ll see you at the revolution.]

Jack suddenly takes hold of her palm and stares into it intently. Margie yammers away. We get some weird on-screen magic and suddenly there’s a pentacle on Margie’s palm. (And yes, I am using the correct term. Google it.) It suddenly disappears and Margie notices Jack staring at her palm. Jack is shocked and doesn’t know how to answer Margie when she asks why he’s holding her hand, so he kisses her palm. Yuck, Jack, what the fuck. [Wing: Part of me wants to talk about this choice in connection with my (omg decades old) analysis of female werewolves as sexual threat  to destroy and male werewolves as pathetic monster to pity, but I hate everything too much to do that.]

Of course Margie takes the wrong idea from this, you fucking idiot, Jack. And I was totally wrong, it is the full moon and the odds just went up in favor of a werewolf visiting Margie, didn’t they. Suddenly a voice announces that “Marion and I are leaving,” and a man in uniform appears, holding his hand out to Jack. It’s Commander Salmon, Marion’s Naval psychiatrist fiancée, and he implores Jack to come in and talk to him sometime. Well, he’s physically opposite Jack, so there’s that. Jack looks kind of wild eyed and distracted, with big bushy eyebrows.

Commander Salmon, whose name I will forever snicker at now, leaves. Jack looks awkward and retakes his seat next to Margie, who snuggles up and wants to continue. We move back to another run of stock footage of the full moon. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the moon footage, I just wish this movie would HURRY UP ALREADY.

(For some reason, the copy I turned up has a Laurel and Hardy short inter-cut into it. I mean, it was on YT, I don’t know what else to say, but it did cause quite the panic thinking I didn’t have the full film to finish. Nope, it suddenly reappeared. Wild. [Wing: A weird short in, I think, German, which made it all even more surreal to randomly appear.])

We cut back to a male figure cutting across a moon-lit parking lot, stumbling and leaning over in what could be drunkenness or agony, impossible to tell. He hunches over farther, then kind of lopes out of the frame. Next we see Margie, wandering in front of a store with huge paper signs in the windows, and she’s not exactly in the most sober of states. She stops when she hears a noise – I couldn’t tell you exactly what that noise is supposed to be – and looks back. Seeing nothing, she staggers on. As soon as she reaches the end of the storefront, where the lights no longer illuminate anything, she turns around again and begins to scream. I think we’re supposed to hear snarling noises as well, but the mix of screams and score don’t do it any favors.

SMASH CUT TO THE MORNING and I guess it’s the White House? It’s a weird zoom into one of the windows. Jack is sitting in front of a desk where I’m guessing it’s the AG sitting behind it. Apparently the AG is pissed off at the news coverage of the President’s statement about Captree. (Which one?) Apparently the talking head was opinionated in the wrong way and the network has agreed to bury him. *laughs hysterically in 2024* He ends up giving Jack a copy of the speech the vice president is to read the next evening.

SMASH CUT TO A PARKING LOT. It looks like a grocery store, given an older woman is pushing a shopping cart full of bags of carefully arranged grocery items. She walks for a bit then suddenly starts screaming in panic/shock/horror. She actually covers her face with her hands before

SMASH CUT back to the AG, who is telling Jack they’re “going to war” to win back the hearts and minds of the American people. (WHY DID I PICK THIS MOVIE DURING THIS SPECIFIC YEAR I AM A TOTAL SADIST AND MASOCHIST.) [Wing: Burn this fucking country to the goddamn ground.] Apparently the AG really needs Captree in order for them to win. He gets Jack to look at a line he’s having trouble with, as “the man” told him to give Jack a copy and listen to Jack’s ideas. Uh huh. “Coterie of decadence” sounds like it walked out of 2024.

THE PHONE RINGS. Thank you, saved by the bell. The AG answers and yells “Not now!” but whomever is on the other end tells him shocking news: Mrs Captree was just found dead. (REALLY NOW. WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS.) “Guts… ripped open.” Is this for dramatic effect? Because this is a WEREWOLF movie, people.

Cut to: what’s supposed to be a dead and bloodied Mrs Captree in a shopping cart. Not particularly bloody and I really don’t see guts hanging about. Boo. That lady is still SCREAMING while we get a good shot of the Kellogg’s corn flakes box and a close up on Mrs Captree’s face. WHICH ISN’T DAMAGED AT ALL. Clearly, the werewolf wanted her identifiable? [Wing: He’s thinking about the investigations.]

We move to Jack walking up through the Rose Garden (? I honestly know jack shit about the layout of the White House, and you would think after 8 seasons of 24 and two seasons of Designated Survivor, I would know something but you’d be wrong) towards the portico back porch (Yes I could google; no I won’t, it’s not as fun that way) in silence. And think it’s all a trick. I think Jack is actually not remotely on the grounds and it was framed in a way to give the illusion he is.

Doesn’t matter. We’re in the White House now. Specifically some kind of stairs in a hallway. Jack jogs briskly up one side as someone else is coming along the other way. Place your bets! Who’s Jack gonna run into??

If you guess MARION, you win. No prize, but you win. She asks Jack how he’s been, then laughs, and says she asked that last night. Both of them have semi-goofy grins on their faces. Jack remarks that he hasn’t been in the White House in a long time. Marion remarks that some never get to see all of the White House. What? For a brief second it looks like they’re going to kiss but Jack states he’s off to see Marion’s father. Marion says it’s awful about Mrs Captree.

THEN WE SEE WEREWOLF FEET. WHAT IS THIS, ONLYFANS FOR WERES? [Wing: I shrieked with laughter. I love you, bat.] [bat: I can find the humor everywhere!] Marion says it’s weird about the shoes. They apparently found shoes? Well, those gnarly feet would not fit in regular human shoes. Jack seems distracted and repeats that he must go see the President. That was real awkward, Jack.

I don’t think we’re in the Oval office, but we’re in some sort of office or meeting room. A woman asks if Judge Captree hasn’t asked to defer his nomination because of this “horrible tragedy” (Is it? Really?) and the President replies that he’s asked Captree not to make the request because he doesn’t want his name withdrawn. POLITICS! Something something worried about national anarchy. *LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY IN 2024*

Henriette (?) is apparently the woman and is opposite in politics from the President, who points out he’s never asked for her support and hasn’t ever received it anyway. Ha ha? The woman smiles at Jack, who just looks real dazed and confused. And I was wrong, Henriette is a journalist. The President asks if her paper will change its position to swing the nomination for him. *PASSES OUT FROM LAUGHING IN 2024*

[Wing: Yeah.]

 

She agrees to think about it. The President laughing adds that he’s asked the FCC to act quickly on something on her behalf, regardless of the position she takes. “After all, I do owe you a favor.” He goes on to say that if she hadn’t banished Jack to Budapest (drink!) he wouldn’t have a new assistant press secretary.

And now here’s Marion, how convenient! Henriette says no, she didn’t banish Jack! She begged him to stay! She adds that Jack requested the transfer for “personal reasons”. OUCH. (I’m not sure why there’s a blip in the film; that was weird.) Jack suddenly takes Henriette’s hand and flips it over, looking at her palm as it suddenly bears the mark of the beast. OOPS!! The President calls Jack back to reality. Jack stammers he has to leave. (Does he need to return some video tapes?) Henriette (or Audrey? What the fuck?) says she’ll leave with Jack but Jack panics and says no, he’ll stay put. The newspaper lady says she still might surprise the President and everyone looks happy but Jack.

Suddenly Jack is running down a dark hall and Marion is giving chase, calling after him. She gets him to stop and says she thinks she could be his friend. (Oh honey, it’s never just pancakes.) Jack fidgets through Marion saying she just wants to be friends before, literally, running away. How awkward. Marion chases after, saying Jack doesn’t look well. Jack finds a door, dives through it, and pulls it closed. He yells through the closed door to Marion, telling her to wait for him in her room. “Go away now! AWOOOOOOOOO!” Oh my god that’s hilarious.

Marion rattles the locked door but Jack no longer answers. Finally she runs off, probably to her room. Hopefully.

OUTDOOR ESTABLISHING SHOT: FULL MOON OVER CAPITOL BUILDING. We move to a Mobil gas station. Remember those? The old rotating signs? I was stunned to find a 76 gas station with a huge old globe that spins, like something out of the 70s/80s the other day. So few exist now. Holy crap. A massive car just pulls into the pumps and clinging to the roof of it… IS A WEREWOLF!!

(Or, in reality, someone in a terrible Halloween costume pretending to be the werewolf. Clearly there was zero budget for this.)

[Wing: The werewolf on top of the car is the best part of this damn movie and it is still ridiculous as all hell.]

The werewolf press its nose/face to the roof, which I doubt is a convertible, and it’s the newspaper lady inside. Uh oh. Firstly: HOW DID NO ONE NOTICE THE WEREWOLF ON THE ROOF? The lady calls “Hello?” and the werewolf sniffs more and growls. This is unintentionally hilarious. She exits the car and literally turns around and is nose to nose with the werewolf and does NOTHING for a split second before screaming and running away. The werewolf, who apparently does not know he has claws?, growls a lot before sliding/jumping down the roof and hood of the car and giving chase. The fact he’s still wearing his business suit and tie, which don’t seem too damaged from the transformation, is making me laugh.

Newspaper lady has found the door and is yanking on it but the station appears closed. Werewolf catches up to her and just awkwardly stands behind her. THEN he attempts to grab and bite her, the film going all slow motion (it doesn’t help anything and it’s not particularly artsy) as he attacks her, the music getting dramatic.

SMASH CUT TO DAYLIGHT. Cops have surrounded the gas station and the newspaper lady’s body is mostly covered by a white sheet. I say mostly, because her legs are uncovered. Kinda weird. There’s a big old blood stain on the sheet. Cops and looky-loos are standing around, there’s no crime scene tape, this seems sloppy AF. [Wing: That’s DC for you.] Suddenly a sedan comes gunning into the station, slamming to a stop.

It’s Jack.

The AG is talking with what I suppose is the police chief. There’s some misunderstanding about the pronunciation of WEREwolf. (Weirwolf? Weirdwolf? WhatTAFwolf?) [Wing: dying] The AG is upset about the press getting a hold of the fact a werewolf is murdering women. Well, yeah, that might be actual news.

Okay, wait, hold on. There’s apparently ANOTHER body??? They all start talking about a kid who looks like he murdered the newspaper lady. THAT’S your suspected werewolf? The police chief yammers about the kid hating women and authority and the fact the kid keeps saying “mother” (as in, what, motherfucker?) and the middle-aged women’s bodies being found by national monuments. (Uhhh this a gas station but I guess that establishing shot of the Capitol building is supposed to say look, it’s nearby!) Jack objects, says the kid didn’t do it. The AG tells Jack to keep the kid from the press. He and Jack walk over to a couple standing beside the ancient ambulance, and start talking to them. Jack asks them to describe what they saw. “A figure running away,” well, okay. They can’t give any more details than that, because it was “too dark to tell”. OH I DUNNO, THE WHITE/GREY WEREWOLF FUR WAS GLOWING PRETTY WELL UNDER THE FLORESCENT LIGHTS OF THE STATION WHEN I SAW IT.

And now we get into racism. The AG insists it was a Black man, and the Black man being interviewed calls him a racist pig and now they’re arguing. Jack breaks it up and asks for the couple to give him more details about the running figure. “It was hairy and walked funny.” Wow. I thought you just said you couldn’t see shit because it was too dark.

Oh FOR FUCKS SAKE. The AG really is an old racist pig, because he yells THE PANTHERS. He demands the couple be arrested on fake narcotics charges. Jack tries again to diffuse the situation, whispering in the AG’s ear. Whatever he says works, as he turns to the couple and finds out they’re staying at the “Chevrolet Hilton”. (Is… is/was that a real thing?) Ohhhh… it’s a joke that both Jack and I fell for. They’re staying at the bus station.

Jack says they’ll be assigned an FBI agent or they’ll have to be locked up for safety. Um. But he randomly trails off as he takes the woman’s hand and stares at her palm. Uh oh. The man with her isn’t happy about this. The AG wanders off towards the press gathered at the scene and Jack scurries behind him, as a reporter asks about how this is the second murder in two days and do they have the manpower to stop the killer?

Yeah, they don’t but then they are also on the fence about this being a werewolf murder spree, so.

Racist pig goes on rant about “you people” and I kind of zone out for a moment. Jack tries to tell him to politely shut the fuck up but yeah, that doesn’t work. AG insists they have a suspect and and indictment is imminent. Sure. Jack again begs him to not talk to the press. The reporter presses the right buttons and the AG screams they will hand down an indictment at 9am. Jack freaks out but again, it doesn’t work, and the AG and reporter are still at each others’ throats.

Jack apparently just runs back to the White House, it’s that close by. Or this is just implied by the long OUTDOOR ESTABLISHING SHOT of the… whatever that’s called. I am so not looking it up. Wing probably knows. [Wing: Wing does not.]

A close up of dress shoes walking across blue shag carpet, towards an empty pair of dress shoes, casually discarded. Wow, this is just stunning footage. Oh my god, that bathroom decor. Holy shit, I have been in rooms that come close but never in blue. Anyway, it was Jack picked up the discarded dress shoes. Also, blue shag rug in a bathroom, EW. [Wing: Why were rugs in bathrooms such a thing? It’s disgusting!]

Jack is staring at those shoes for a long time and saying nothing. He seems confused? Hesitant? Unable to believe? Unable to believe that lady was telling him the truth?? A tour guide opens the door and is talking about the bathroom to what I imagine are tourists, but it seems to break Jack out of his stupor. He ducks into the very blue stall and shuts the door and oops I was wrong, it’s the President, who wanders into the bathroom still yammering away to some other dude… oh! It’s an astronaut! He’s talking about bathrooms not being on lunar landing modules. Ha ha.

The astronaut plays along and explains yeah, he was on that thing for two weeks. He asks if the President minds if he avails himself of the facilities. The President is still playing with the lunar landing model and is all, no, go ahead! Yeah, this isn’t awkward or anything at all. The first stall door doesn’t open but INSTEAD OF, I DON’T KNOW, USING THE OTHER ONE, THE ASTRONAUT IS ALL THIS ONE DOESN’T WORK.

The President puts down the toy and yanks on the door but suddenly astroboy notices the second stall and is all oh I’ll use this one! (IT’S LITERALLY RIGHT NEXT TO THE FIRST, THEY’RE FUCKING ATTACHED!) while the President continues to yank on the stall door and bang on it. Then we’re treated to a very awkward overhead shot that allows us to see Jack is precariously balancing on the toilet while holding the door closed, all while astroboy unzips and pees in the next stall, the President saying he’ll just reach under and grab the latch and no the fuck you won’t your arm isn’t that long.

Astroboy, who didn’t shut the stall door and is totally pissing away, leans back out and tells the President not to bother. Jack is furiously trying to avoid discovery, all the while everyone has to listen to astroboy peeing. Thanks. I hate this.

Finally finished, he flushes and the President is all how odd that we can send a man to the moon but can’t keep a stall door latch from breaking. I am paraphrasing because the line is stated so awkwardly and dumbly that my paraphrasing is better written than this script is.

OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU DIDN’T WASH YOUR HANDS, MOON BOY. [Wing: Way too real for far too many people.]

Jack emerges from the stall, clutching the shoes and pressing his wrists into his temples, in pain or anguish I’m unsure, when the President barges back into the restroom. Jack literally slams the stall door shut just as the President walks past, he totally SAW AND HEARD THAT, but he’s so focused on getting his lunar landing model, he doesn’t see or hear it. TOP TIER ACTING.

Admittedly, that wallpaper is kind of growing on me?

Jack peeks out of the stall again, looking sweaty and feverish, rubbing his chest and unloosening his tie. He stands in front of the vanity mirrors as the music swells a cue. Over in… maybe it’s the Oval office, I dunno… the President is talking to Jack, who somehow showed up? That was a shitty bunch of editing. [Wing: As is the entire movie.] Anyway, he wants Jack to stay and talk to some senator. Jack sits down and says he really isn’t feeling well. He literally wants the President to replace him. The President thinks Jack just wants to take a nap. No, Jack means as in fully replace him.

Nope, because Jack is doing a “fine job” and is indispensable to the President! Jack brings up the shoes; the President and I are both confused. Jack goes on to state that he doesn’t believe the Panthers are responsible for the two murders. How… did we get from those shoes to the Panthers? The President is like, there hasn’t been another murder since we put a guard on something… because the audio is terrible and I can’t understand the word. [Wing: Me neither, but I assume he means the black man from earlier.] Jack says but the moon hasn’t risen and asks for a guard to be assigned to him.

The President ignores this and goes and slams the top of his tube television, the picture having gone out mid-game. Then he comes back and just starts yelling at Jack, something about the speech was great and how he wants to assign Jack to full-time speech writing for the VP.

Jack stammers slowly, trying to get the words out. “Mr President… I think… I’m a werewolf.”

EVERYBODY DRINK!

An aide pops in the office just as the word werewolf escapes Jack’s lips. He informs the President the senator is waiting outside. The President yells at the aide. This is… awkward to watch. He finally understands the aide and demands the senator be sent in. Somehow he reaches the TV from a huge distance and shuts it off (remote?) before turning back to Jack and insists that people get spooked but he won’t hear of Jack quitting until he’s had a chat with Commander Salmon. Remember Fish Boy, Military Psychiatrist? Marion’s now-fiancee? Yeah, him.

The aide has returned with a woman in a yellow coat dress, aka the senator. Uh oh. Potential victim number 3? I guess Joan meets with Jack, because we smash cut to Jack outside, walking away from the White House, looking still confused and anguished. I really love how these shots are framed so the White House fills the background but clearly the actor is BLOCKS AWAY because there’s no way they got constant permission to film there.

Now we’re at a French restaurant. Jack is speaking. “I am a murderer.” A violin strikes up and dramatic music begins as Jack says he killed someone last night. “Dr Salmon, do you believe a man can change into an animal?”

Oh boy. Fish Boy is all wha? Jack just launches into the whole spiel: the Mark of the Beast and how he’s cursed because he was bitten by a not-a-wolf-wolf, a werewolf in fact, and when the full moon rises he changes into an animal with one and only desire: to kill!

Yeah, Fish Boy isn’t buying any of what Jack’s attempting to sell. Jack brings up the black outs, his scar, his finger, and those shoes. Oh, and seeing pentagrams! Dr Salmon is all, you’re in trouble Jack, but not the trouble you think you’re in. Dealing with Mental Health With Tact And Civility, for sure.

Salmon is all what does politics have to do with this? And Jack (and me, too) are WTAF? And then Salmon says “well, what does the Pentagon have to do with it!?”, to which Jack snaps “A PENTAGRAM!” and that’s the funniest line in this whole stupid film. [Wing: Is it though.] And then Jack asks Salmon to come to the bathroom with him and boy, he gets such a look. And it’s all the more awkward because the red-coated waiter is standing there. Eventually Salmon dismisses the waiter and Jack insists on the bathroom idea, because he wants to show Salmon something. It’s probably the scar on his chest. Salmon finally acquiesces and they head off.

In the restroom, Jack silently begins divesting himself of clothing; first his jacket, then he starts on his shirt. Salmon, on the other hand, starts straightening up his uniform while looking in the mirror. He proceeds to tell Jack that he (Jack) is feeling guilt because he was with the women who were murdered, to which Jack says isn’t that strange? Salmon presses on, saying that Jack feels bad because he couldn’t do something to stop it but also because he hated the women and had murderous feelings towards them because of political differences. Jack’s down to his under shirt now, which he pulls off as Salmon rants on and on, finally yelling, “Look at this!” He turns towards the camera and shows a five-pointed star scar, which is like both hilarious and ridiculous looking because it is so perfectly shaped like a sticker, to Salmon. I don’t think he had that the last time we saw him shirtless. I never knew bite marks to coalesce into such a perfect shape. This is like that anti-possession tattoo the Winchesters sport but a lot less cool looking.

Men keep wandering past in the background, leaving the restroom, and this next one is just staring at the shirtless Jack and irritated Salmon. Jack explains he say this (the star) in the palms of each of his victims. No, you saw a black version, this is very much red, Jack.

MY GOD WHY DO WE HAVE TO HEAR EVERY DUDE PISSING IN THESE BATHROOM SCENES WHY DO WE NEED THAT REALISM??

Jack begs Salmon to lock him up but Salmon tells him to come to the hospital (? I think that’s where) tomorrow. Jack yells that someone’s gonna die tonight and from the background someone yells, “Will you two [homophobic slur] shut up!?” Oh great, thanks for that.

Salmon snaps at Jack that he cannot help him unless he really wants to be helped and to remember what he told Jack. Fuck, I don’t even remember what he told Jack at this point nor do I care, because clearly he doesn’t believe Jack. And the scene ends with NOBODY WASHING THEIR HANDS AND MY GOD I HATE YOU ALL. [Wing: Again, too real. People are gross.]

Outside, whether it’s later or the next day or whatever, there’s no way to tell, Jack stands there and keeps scratching his chest over the scar through his shirt. A woman walks by and Jack follows. Coincidence? Suddenly Jack is at the WATERGATE HOTEL. Dun-dun-dun! (Look, that’s one historical incident that I barely understand, beyond pop culture references. A glance and this was filmed in the middle of all that, so I guess it was a pointed reference to Nixon? He hadn’t resigned yet.)

Jack is now in a dark room, holding something silver, while talking on the phone with a Cliff. (Do… do we remember Cliff? I can’t?) The silver object looks like a wolf’s head. He asks Cliff for a favor: he wants to know how to identify someone in Budapest as a “red dart”. (WTAF?) “Maybe Chinese?” Jack adds. Huh?

OUTDOOR ESTABLISHING SHOT: THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL BEYOND THE REFLECTING POOL (This is my best guess, because I’m entirely unfamiliar with the layout of DC and the many, many memorials, and using a map still didn’t make it entirely clear.) I guess this is to show the sun’s going down?

Jack’s still on the phone, spelling the name of someone who is “French-Romanian” and I’m pretty sure he’s inquiring about Giselle. We cut away again to a different view of the illuminated Lincoln memorial, this time there’s a road with traffic and the sun is decidedly down now. Jack randomly hangs up and takes off a shoe. The phone rings. Jack answers. Someone asks if he saw Dr Salmon. “Yes I did.” Jack takes off the other shoe.

Those really cool looking street lights turn on. Jack, you are running out of time here. Jack tells the person he’s conversing with that Salmon has him believing everything was just in his mind. He goes on to add that everything’s between him and his analyst. Sure. We’ve seen you, Jack. More shots of traffic and car tail lights. Jack starts to twitch. He explains now he thinks he was brainwashed in Budapest in order to cover up political activities in D.C. Assassinations, Jack adds. Yeah, I don’t get this, either. [Wing: And yet not the worst conspiracy theory I’ve heard this year.]

To think this film got a theatrical release boggles my mind.

I guess that’s the moon trying to peek out from behind the Capital rotunda.

Jack, still slightly twitching, asks if the person wants to come over. He also hopes the person’s Secret Service agent “never publishes a book.” So it must be a woman? MORE SHOTS OF THE MOON BECAUSE WE CLEARLY CAN’T TELL JACK IS CHANGING. His lower jaw begins to jut out and the back of his hand is black with fur and he’s tugging at his tie and collar. It takes a while but suddenly he is alarmed at the sight of the back of his hand. Jack really starts to change his mind about Barbara (?) coming over. I will give them props for how they’re handling this slow transformation. It’s subtle and Dean Stockwell is acting it out well. [Wing: It’s surprisingly good! I mean, the special effects aren’t great, but the scene itself is well balanced and Stockwell does as much as he can with it.]

Jack breaks into a cry and starts to whimper, begging to not go through this again. Sorry, buddy, you threw away the protective talisman and flushed it down the toilet. You get what you get. THE FULL MOON IS UP.

We are treated to an in-camera transformation as Jack becomes his other self, the werewolf of Washington. I am all for practical effects, whether they be good or bad, and while this one isn’t remotely ground breaking or as painful/horrifying as the transformation in An American Werewolf in London, it’s fine for a low budget political horror movie. [Wing: This.]

The crawling across the floor on his hands as knees comes off as silly as fuck, though. He’s like bouncing along as if he were a Pomeranian. Now he’s knocking stuff over as dramatic music plays and the fish eye lens is not helping. Down goes a planet and lamp and why is Jack trying to eat the lamp shade? WTAF is this for? He’s acting more like a domesticated dog than a wolf. GUESS IT’S THE EFFECTS OF THAT GERMAN SHEPHERD WOLF WEREWOLF DOG MIX.

OUTDOOR ESTABLISHING SHOT: THE FULL MOON OVER THE CAPITOL ROTUNDA.

A woman says they’re going for a walk. It’s the couple from the gas station. Their FBI agent thinks that’s a swell idea. Oh dear. The woman says no, without you, because they wanna “make it”. Then she asks if he “makes it”. Wow. The agent is all “On the Capitol steps??” The boyfriend tries to negotiate, saying they really wanna take a walk, could he stay behind about 100 paces? The woman adds she wants to make a phone call. The agent says his name is Randy Murphy. Well, there’s a joke in that one.

The woman leaves to “go call Sally” and finds the most remote phone booth in the darkest part of the area in which to do so. There’s weird lighting that brings up an Exorcist stairs vibe. Maybe intentional? Boyfriend sits on the steps in the dark, all we can see are his legs and feet. She pops into the phone booth to travel through time and dials, closing the door. She has called information, seeking Randy Murphy. Are they trying to ditch him? I’m guessing at this. She dials another number and starts talking in a weird tone of voice to Mrs Murphy, snarling into the phone before saying “This is the Werewolf of Washington! I know what you want!” [Wing: This is stupid but it did make me laugh.]

Boyfriend pops down the stairs and interrupts. She says she left a message. He wants to go. Something is lurking badly at the top of the steps, avoiding the light. A snarl/growl from behind causes the woman to start screaming. Werewolf!Jack appears and the boyfriend starts snapping photos of the werewolf, the bright flash going off repeatedly. The woman screams more, asking why he’s taking photos, as she’s trapped in the phone booth. Werewolf!Jack attacks and apparently kills the boyfriend, as the woman watches, screaming, asking for help to whomever remains on the line because the phone is still in her hands. Werewolf!Jack abandons the boyfriend’s body and roars up against the glass door, it’s kind of a cool shot TBH, while the woman screams and manages to keep it held closed.

Like, where the fuck is agent Randy Murphy? Did Werewolf!Jack dispatch him, too?

Eventually, Werewolf!Jack realizes he cannot get to the gooey center of the phone booth, so he starts pushing it until it finally tips over. ODDLY WE DO NOT SEE THIS. WHY I DO NOT KNOW. It’s just suddenly on its side. I guess they didn’t want to pay for it because clearly being knocked over violently would have broken the glass. Tipping it over had done Werewolf!Jack no favors. It toppled with the door side down. He attempts to reach in at the open bottom and grab the screaming woman but it doesn’t work.

The woman screaming and beating the phone receiver against the glass, bashing on the telephone box to get a dial tone, that is pretty horrifying. Werewolf!Jack’s acting as he snarls and growls against the glass? It’s a bad Halloween costume and shitty dubbed wolf noises that make me roll my eyes.

Really, if this had been filmed with a tweak here and there, it could have really been fucking scary. Maybe I am super jaded but this is just comical and stupid. The concept is awesome; execution is fucking weak.

[Wing: This is one of the few scenes I liked. Ridiculous, yes, but the concept is fucking great, and there are a couple shots that were decent despite themselves. I’d love to see this done in a better movie.]

Oh! Those are gunshots! They don’t sound like gunshots. Anyway, the “gunshots” startle both Werewolf!Jack and the woman. Werewolf!Jack flees!!! But he’s left a witness alive… dun dun dun!

SMASH CUT TO JACK WALKING ACROSS THE STREET TO THE WHITE HOUSE OUTSIDE THE FENCE. Again, it’s like “we can’t actually film here but we need to establish that he works in the White House as plausibly as possible so here’s random footage outside the building!” It’s kinda gonzo film making but not. Like, it is totally hilarious to me, but maybe not everyone else?

Oh yeah, a bus goes by and JACK DISAPPEARS.

We’re having a press conference!! In a very small set. Good lord that’s tiny. Chairs and lights everywhere, press waving their hands frantically to be called upon. Jack scurries around to take a front row seat as the President takes the podium. Before answering questions, the President gives a statement on the events that are causing “mass hysteria”. (They are? Where?) He is really fucking this conference up. First he announces an indictment then doesn’t say the name, then he moves to “secondly” (you didn’t finish firstly!) which is anarchists must be punished (where the fuck are these anarchists? I haven’t seen them) and finally “We must have Captree on the Supreme Court!” There’s murmurs in the audience. Clearly shit is missing from the paper statement the President is reading from. He blurts out some sort of line and it clear the pages have been put together out of order.

Lord.

Taking questions, we see the same reporter from the murder at the gas station ask if the African American man being held was also himself brutally attacked last night? Oh, he lives?? Does Jack know? Because dude’s potentially a werewolf now.

The President is all, I didn’t point at you. I was pointing at her, the brunette white lady behind him. Uh huh. Everyone kind of groans. She wants comments on the speech given by the Vice President the prior evening. The President is super glad she asked. There’s a bit of noise and Jack is up and out of his chair, walking towards the back of the room. Smart reporter dude trails him.

The President adds that the VP doesn’t clear his speeches with the President. Hm.

Jack has moved to some weird red hallway and is walking slowly towards the exit (noted by the glowing red EXIT sign) when Marion appears, wearing all white in a white room. Weird subconscious symbolism?? She asks Jack if the conference is over. “Um, no,” he answers. “I just had to leave.” Marion says she tried to call him last night, where was he? Jack is surprised but can’t seem to remember. One his trademark “blackouts” again. So much for that. The AG appears and tells him the African American guy who was brutally mauled by the werewolf has died. No new werewolf running about Washington, I guess. So that’s, what, three victims? I have failed to really do a running body count for this recap.

And SMASH CUT before we get to see any horrified reaction from Jack or Marion. We’re back with the President who is bowling. Yes, I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be the bowling alley in the White House, which is located in the basement and is still there, according to Wikipedia as of the publishing of this recap. Wild. This doesn’t really look like the actual White House bowling alley, but more a “we found a wood-paneled room and substituted it” thing.

Anyway. The President is lining up a shot while telling Jack that he has been reassured by Salmon that Jack’s problems will not interfere with his job and “that’s fine by me”. Um. The fuck. These are the types of problems that will totally interfere with any job. Ugh. Jack doesn’t agree. The President makes him shut up so he can bowl and we hear the ball hit pins but don’t see it. Sure.

Jack attempts to continue his disagreement over Dr Salmon’s assessment but the President is all, I don’t care about what a gypsy woman told you. He says Salmon insists the existence of a werewolf has not been verified so how could Jack be one? (Dude, we viewers just totally saw him transform a few scenes ago.)

Ignoring Jack, the President demands his bowling ball. Which hasn’t returned. He starts walking down the gutter, stops to tell Jack to remove his shoes, then keeps going. [Wing: Remove his shoes or get in the gutter, which made me cackle, this entire thing is so dumb.] This is fucking ridiculous, watching two grown men shuffle down a gutter. They both end up on the lane, the President beating at… I’m not sure, he’s trying to knock the ball free with a pin, I guess.

“I like you, Jack, you’re like the son I never had,” he says, continuing with a bunch of flattering platitudes, while finally finding the ball stuck in the machinery. [Wing: The fact that no arms are torn off in this scene is a travesty.] Jack starts talking about the full moon and the President snaps at him, tells him to get a hold of himself. He and Jack starts shuffling back down the gutter, the President telling Jack he’s just going through a crisis and that he knows all about that. Doubtful.

He randomly asks where Jack went to school. The University of Chicago. But he didn’t play ball, just handball, because they didn’t have Varsity sports. (I know nothing about any of that; I went to ART COLLEGE.) [Wing: That’s bullshit. They have Varsity sports and did in the 70s.] The President tells Jack to grab a ball and bowl with him. This… this won’t end well, will it. The President takes his turn and bowls, apparently knocking down the two pins that were standing when they were mucking about with the machinery. He tells Jack to take his shot.

Jack moves to, but suddenly notices his finger. IT’S GROWING HAIRY AND LONGER. And apparently all his fingers are now stuck in the holes of the bowling ball. The President yammers something about his Supreme Court pick, while Jack fails to extract his changed fingers from the holes. That sounds real wrong.

Jack can’t manage it and the President starts in on him, demanding he bend his knees and get into a proper bowling position. This is just awkward. He lifts Jack’s arm to show him how to swing the throw before going back to his own lane. Yeah, I don’t think Jack is gonna be able to throw this. He literally sits down on the metal track of the ball return, puts his feet on the ball, and tries to pry his fingers loose.

At a total loss, Jack just stares at the ball stuck to his hand. The President is yammering away. Like, I can’t make out most of what he’s saying and that’s probably okay. He doesn’t really say anything worth listening to. He’s also too busy lining up his next shot to notice Jack struggling. I think this is supposed to be comedic but it’s just dumb.

Somehow, we still have thirty minutes of this film to go. I mean, if you knew how long I’ve been working on this recap (*cough* since last year *cough*) you’d understand how much I want this to be over with but, really, that’s true of any recap I write. I reach a point of SO DONE. But no, we still have thirty minutes to go.

Anyway, this is weird. Jack is struggling with the bowling ball stuck to his hand, the President is rambling away, still lining up his shot, telling Jack he supports him through this personal crisis so long as Jack stands by himself, and then stops long enough to yell and swear at Jack. To which Jack is all, I can’t throw the damn ball! He adds that when the moon is full the first thing that happens is his fingers swell.

On the one hand, okay. On the other, this is fascinating to my brain. It’s always the little details like this that I find interesting when it comes to “monster movies”. Everyone seems to use a different tweak or two on the flavor of monster. Apparently Jack gets bloated and swells up as the first indication he’s going to turn into a bloodthirsty werewolf. [Wing: Werewolf Go Boom.]

Finally, the President gets mad enough that he grabs the bowling ball and helps Jack free himself. This goes on longer than it should, but really that’s my opinion. Of course, as soon as this happens, the President insists there’s nothing wrong with the bowling ball. NO THERE ISN’T, YOU FUCKING DUMB ASS WHO DOESN’T LISTEN TO ANYTHING, HE SAID IT WAS HIS FINGERS THAT WERE SWELLING UP. God, I pretty much hate everyone in this movie. It’s so hard when there’s zero people to root for.

We smash cut to what is a meeting, based on the circular shot of hands opening briefcases and talking about loading planes with bombs and flying them “anywhere they want without authorization”. We’ve even got a shot of the emergency red phone on its own little side table, spotlighted. Is this the meeting that Dr Salmon is supposed to be at? The one the President was rambling on about Jack attending?

Oh good, there’s the asshole AG we all love so much. And the President. And there’s Jack! Looking absolutely terrified with anxiety. Okay this long circular shot can stop now, thanks. It’s not as artsy as it probably seemed in 1973.

Okay so we’ve covered the story exposition in this. I could hear the AG rambling about hippies and civil disorder. He wants to declare martial law. Sure. You just go out and announce that. The President is reading a newspaper, ignoring the AG’s bitching.  Now we get a random shot of some dude taking photos on a tiny spy camera. Why? I know he’s sitting back behind the table, in the shadows, but the fact they ADDED IN A SOUND EFFECT NOISE OF A CAMERA SNAPPING PHOTOS when I’m pretty damn sure a camera that small doesn’t make noise because that’s the point of being a TINY SPY CAMERA… can the werewolf just slaughter everyone now? [Wing: I wish. Martial law, civil disorder, those Damn Libs, everything is a circle and we learn nothing and I want to burn down the world.]

More shots of the dude taking photos. The President comes to and says no, they should hold off on whatever bullshit the AG wants to implement. Oh, so you were paying attention. Shocker. He then apparently calls the meeting to order, because everyone goes silent. President starts off saying he wants to announce the withdrawal of all troops from SE Asia but he’s afraid of the reaction of the “lunatic Right.”

*laughs in 2024*

Anyway, President is rambling away and asking opinions while Jack is making faces. Or, rather, his face is moving, his jaw jutting out, and it’s clear he is beginning to change once again. It’s actually kind of funny? Like, I’ll take what I can get at this point. I think it’s well done for a werewolf movie.

Some dude just said a string of words and I’m zoning out. Jack is still pulling faces. The AG points out they should probably notify Congress. Uh huh. The President turns to Jack, who is face-down on the table, beating the table top weakly with his fist. Suddenly he sits up and looks down to find his hands covered in fur. Sorry that the prior shot with his fist in the air didn’t sport any fur, someone should have edited this better.

Jack hides his hands under the table. Weird bald dude who was taking photos notices this, he seems to be watching Jack. The President is rambling about not being found wanting in this “nuclear age”. Everyone, save Jack, seems to applaud. I no longer care and want Jack to change FASTER, DAMN IT.

Clearly, based on the weird music cue, this is going to happen. So get on with it already.

Suddenly Jack is up and out of his seat, hands hidden behind his back, walking backwards. He finds the door, which I honestly thought was the wall but it’s like a big sliding door, and runs out. The President is yelling at him to no avail. He makes a comment asking the others to forgive “the boy”, as Jack hasn’t been feeling well.

SMASH CUT TO WERE!JACK running along a catwalk through what appears to be an underground area full of giant orange pipes. He comes down a very tall set of stairs and nearly reaches the bottom before some guard fires a gun at him. We see the bullets hit him and hilariously sparks go off, which I guess is just to show they hit the metal stairs. Were!Jack is unharmed, of course. Apparently he is impervious to bullets? Somehow I missed that? Wild. The guard just stands there. He doesn’t yell, doesn’t make a sound, as Were!Jack descends the rest of the stairs then jumps him. We get a cut to another view where Were!Jack tosses the guard on the ground – who still is SILENT, wtaf – and clumsily disarms him, before slashing him across the face. Then Were!Jack sniffs him? I have no idea what he is doing. This is weird.

I guess he ends up biting the dead guy? Why?

Now Were!Jack is running through the big pipes and machinery of this underground… place. If I knew where we were it would help but I have no idea what any of that machinery is. I do like the werewolf makeup for the fact they gave him this ridiculous set of two white stripes that go from a point at his forehead and make a giant V shape on the top of his head. I haven’t seen that before. Though, I gotta say, he’s running more like a man trying to pretend to be an ape or a Chimpanzee than a ACTUAL WOLF.

And we have hit some sort of surrealist nightmare. Were!Jack comes upon what appears to be a Frankenstein’s monster setup, with a little person as the Doctor, working on a body on a table, chains wrapped around its legs and torso. There’s massive boots ala the monster at one end. In the top left corner of the screen, I cannot explain what the fuck is going on there. [Wing: It’s like they looked into the future, saw the glorious weirdness that would be Rocky Horror and tried to spice up this movie with it.]

Were!Jack is sniffing the soles of the boots. I shit you not. The little person doctor comes round and sees Were!Jack and is startled. But this whole fucking scene is SILENT save for the background noise of the machinery. This is quite the artistic take of this but it isn’t good.

I’m still left wanting answers about what the fuck was in the top left of the screen.

Were!Jack comes close enough to sniff and snuffle at the doctor, who starts yelling “WAIT!” at him and god damn am I confused. Were!Jack kneels and the doctor touches his face, as Were!Jack sniffs at the hands. “What is your name?” the doctor asks before Were!Jack runs around on his knees to sniff the doctor’s butt.

I am not making this up. I wish I was but I would never actually think of this.

Now Were!Jack is licking the doctor’s face. Is this going to be some sort of bullshit dream sequence? Because I can see this being that. Oh god, the doctor hugs Were!Jack’s head and cuddles him and this is so much weirder than the secret science sex cult and vampire Yeti movies. Yeah. I’m absolutely lost on why anyone wrote this let alone got this movie made.

“Are you really real?” the doctor asks Were!Jack. Yeah, someone answer that, please? Were!Jack takes off, the doctor runs after him, then there’s an awkwardly long pause before SMASH CUT TO A CEMETERY where Jack is waking up in the cold daylight among the headstones. He looks down to see a stripe of weird spots across his white dress shirt. I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be blood or not. Jack slowly walks through the row, holding his head, still trying to tell what happened, because remember he blacks out during these “episodes”. I wish I could black out during this movie, and I’m the one who picked it. [Wing: Why are you punishing us all?]

Now Jack is walking back down a street, which I’m assuming is him walking back towards the White House, but the film is all reds and oranges, which is probably an artsy decision to show it’s daytime. Maybe it’s to show that Jack has no answers in the cold light of day. Even though he is convinced he is a werewolf. I’m not sure the writer(s?) really thought this through but whatever.

Now we see Jack sitting on a couch, in shadow, backlit by the sun coming through a large window. He’s on the phone. He says he called earlier to ask about silver bullets. He insists he wants them, tonight.

Here’s my issue with this movie’s werewolf premise. The full moon is technically instantaneous. But it appears full for up to three days surrounding that moment. The movie, by Jack’s own admission, has this going on for more than three days at this point. Is my complaint just because I am technically savvy about werewolf tropes or is the movie dependent upon people being stupid about the moon? Could be both, honestly. [Wing: Both. With a side of the full moon lasting a week or more in this stupid universe.]

So. Silver bullets. Guess Jack is looking for a final exit. I mean, if he’s willing to pay $500 bucks for them… how many does that include? Yeah, they better be ballistically perfect, Jack, you don’t want to fuck it up, do you? Oh, okay, we’ve negotiated down to a single silver bullet. It’s always ONE BULLET. Like, hello. John Constantine made what, a dozen or so blessed ones out of several gold crosses, and still ran out, but yes, you’ll take the perfect shot won’t you, Jack. Sure.

And now weird random fake CCTV footage of Were!Jack running down a red lighted hall followed by a guard. (And I’m hungry like the wolf…) I still wanna know what that doctor Frankenstein nonsense was about. Oh, wow, speaking of… he’s the one running the footage. Which is weirdly on actual film stock. WTAF, movie, you’re just so weird.

Oh shit, he was running the footage for the President. Who suggests that if bullets don’t work, let’s use a tank! Or a flamethrower! *head desk* Doctor not Frankenstein doesn’t want Were!Jack destroyed. He’s apparently very important to the programs! (What programs? Is this like Nathaniel Cade, the President’s Vampire? Or am I the only person who’s read those books? I very much recommend them. And today I learned there is a fourth book, so that gives me something to read.)

So, Doctor not Frankenstein demands the President issues a “taken alive” order. I’m really honestly thrown by this fucking twist. Secret monster labs run by the government and this fucking whackadoodle President actually knows about it. *nervously looks to make sure the calendar still reads 2024* [Wing: Secret government-funded labs doing horrific experiments, nothing new there.]

Oh look, it’s weird spy camera dude. Apparently he’s a part of this? Uh huh, President Idiot is all, what are our scientific programs? Yeah, I don’t think you’re really on a need-to-know basis, dude. Doctor not Frankenstein says he doesn’t have any time for this, he has his own work to do. Does anyone actually do any work in this? Because I don’t think so. Not from what I’ve seen. And then I start laughing because they wander into a mens room with a giant round concrete free standing sink that is almost exactly the same as the kind I grew up with in schools I’ve attended. Wow. Small world. I honestly thought those were just a PNW thing. In fact, we had one in high school, although that’s because the school building was built in the 1940s and no one had updated the building since then, when it switched from an elementary to the Talented and Gifted programme, then to an “alternative” high school.

Okay we have an ACTUAL PLAN. Doctor not Frankenstein orders the President to keep everyone off the streets tonight and “we’ll handle it”. WHO’S WE? AND WHY IS THIS PLOT POINT BEING INTRODUCED WITH ROUGHLY TWENTY MINUTES LEFT IN THE FILM?! President Idiot complains that he’s so busy with this “Asian policy stuff” and he’s not sure he can keep everyone off the streets. Doctor not Frankenstein says he respects him but that’s the President’s problem.

That’s when Doctor not Frankenstein and the spy camera dude walk into one of the stalls together and shut the door.

The President knocks on the door, calling “Dr Kiss” and I’m done. Okay, I was wrong, this was released before The Rocky Horror Show, so it’s a total non-coincidence my brain tried to make up. [Wing: SAME. THOUGHT.] Sadly, this was actor Michael Dunn’s final film released during his life; he died in 1974 and everything else he’d done was released posthumously.

President Idiot opens the stall door and finds both men magically disappeared. CLEARLY THEY USE THE TOILET AS A SECRET DOOR, HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN INVADER ZIM.

Somewhere else in the… secret lab building… Dr Kiss and Spy Photographer are walking down a dark corridor. They say nothing. Spy Camera guy is walking slow while clutching the reel of film that proves Were!Jack exists. PEOPLE PAID MONEY TO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE IN THEATERS EXPLAIN THIS TO ME WHY THEY THOUGHT THIS WAS WORTH MONEY.

Back in the bathroom, President Idiot is still looking around as if both might magically reappear. I’m still laughing about the sink and remembering how low to the ground ours was, because it was meant for children and not teenagers. Yes, you stepped on the rubber ring around the base to turn it on. Fun fact: there’s several of these still operating around the PNW, some at state parks and the like. Now you know how to turn it on if you ever encounter one.

Let me just summarize: this movie wants viewers to believe that somehow Were!Jack got into a secret laboratory run by a secret branch of the government that runs “scientific experiments” on monsters? But no one knows this and even the President doesn’t know much about it? And we’re only telling you this just before the movie ends because reasons? Right. Got it.

Jack is somewhere in an office, with the AG and I think that’s Fish Boy behind him. Jack has not a white board where he’s laying out the timeline of deaths. I expect to see red string and push pins soon. AND THERE IT IS! He’s using a map to show where the victims were murdered and GUESS WHAT, IT MAKES A FIVE-POINTED STAR SHAPE.

“Another murder, at Watergate! In my apartment!” Jack explains. Fish Boy looks as confused as I feel. Does Jack mean his inevitable suicide? Fish Boy explains the shoes they found at the Pentagon were Jack’s. …wait? When were we at the Pentagon? I actually have to Google how far the Pentagon is from… damn it. And today I learned it is 9 minutes from the White House, depending on traffic. PROOF I DO NOT KNOW THE LAYOUT OF ANYTHING ON THE EAST COAST I AM SORRY.

So now the movie is asking viewers to believe Were!Jack was running loose underground in the Pentagon (which, sorry, there’s no fucking way that was actually filmed in the Pentagon) and stumbled into a secret monster scientific programme after viciously murdering a guard? Sure. SURE SURE SURE SURE. /Jake Peralta impression

The AG isn’t buying this, even after Jack says his shirt was also found. He goes on to say if he catches a plane tomorrow he’ll have a full month to find “that old Gypsy woman” before the next full moon. And do what? You threw the amulet she gave you into the toilet and flushed it, Jack. And you’ve already murdered… three or four people, Jack. What the fuck is she going to do for you? [Wing: Not to mention this full moon has lasted a billion years, I don’t think it will ever end. Which would be fine if he was slaughtering corrupt politicians but NOOOOOOO.]

Jack also says that Dr Salmon can convince the President to not search for or investigate Jack. BUT! Because there’s always a but. BUT! They must lock Jack up tonight, for the final night of the full moon. (Ignoring the fact we’re WAY BEYOND THAT NOW, FFS. I AM GOING TO ASK IT: HOW DO WEREWOLVES WORK?)

Huh. On a shoestring of a theory, the AG is totally convinced! Quelle surprise! They’ll lock Jack up but can’t let the press know about it. (Like… duh? At what point did Jack say PLEASE INFORM THE PRESS I AM A WEREWOLF MURDERING PEOPLE?) Ever so helpful, Fish Boy says the press would certainly seize on a personal tragedy to tarnish the President. YES. PLEASE KEEP THINKING OF EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT THE ACTUAL VICTIMS OF JACK’S CURSE.

Again, when you have zero people to root for, it makes a movie that much harder to watch. Unless you root for everyone to die. Yeah, I’m at that point in this recap.

Jack doesn’t want the President to know of this “plan”. Can’t say that I blame him. His reason is lame, though. That dude playing President is barely aware of shit most of the time. The AG says he’s sorry about all this. Um. I’m waiting for him to say something racist but it doesn’t happen. Jack asks if Dr Salmon can tell Marion. He agrees but I don’t buy it.

Admitting that he feels as though he might get some rest knowing he’s chained up tonight, Jack and Dr Salmon leave. We SMASH CUT over to what I guess is Jack’s apartment in the Watergate, which suspiciously looks like the penthouse or some equivalent. Dr Salmon is setting up a time lapse camera (me: “Why don’t you just use an old iPhone… oh, right. 1973.”) which will supposedly capture Jack’s transformation. I guess we can’t be sure it will work, for some reason. The giant dial timer reminds me of the similar style timer my mother use to set to make the lights come on when we were away for the weekend. Remember when we did shit like that?

Anyway, Dr Salmon says they should record the transformation because they owe it to science. Uh huh. Oh, and the President wants a copy for his new library. WTAF. He’s not supposed to know about this. We cut to a shot of Jack…

…who is chained with multiple heavy links of chain to a rocking chair. It’s almost comical how this looks, like, I am laughing because it’s unintentionally framed to look like BDSM gone wrong or how someone who knows nothing about BDSM would imagine it to look. Like, this is overkill? And how is a wimpy rattan and cane rocking chair going to restrain a fucking werewolf mid-transformation? You can tell a man thought this out. A woman would have thought very much differently. [Wing: If Jack himself designed this, he’s trying to kill himself because those chains around his throat are primed for larynx and hyoid damage.]

Jack asks Dr Salmon to turn on the television. You know, like you leave the TV on for dogs while you’re out on errands. Oh, Jack wants to watch the Presidential address while he’s busy trying to not transform and murder people. Sure. [Wing: Yeah, watching Presidential addresses definitely calm me down and don’t send me into murderous rages.] Oh my god, it’s like a six inch screen. HOW THE FUCK CAN ANYONE SEE ANYTHING FROM THAT FAR AWAY WHILE GRATUITOUSLY CHAINED TO A CHAIR??

Salmon announces he’s going to leave but will return once the address is over. Right. Jack is bitching about the agony of transformation. WELL, BUDDY, IF YOU HAD LISTENED TO THAT OLD MAN WHO TOLD YOU NOT TO BE OUTSIDE MAYBE YOU WOULDN’T BE IN THIS SITUATION. Or, conversely, what the old lady told you and kept the talisman. But no. SO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL, BUDDY.

Jack gets real emotional and yells for Salmon to pick up the cane by the door. He demands Salmon hit him with it, in the head, to kill him. He goes on this screaming rant about being a beast and is better off dead. Salmon is just like, yeah, fuck no, dude. He tells Jack there’s nothing to whimper about then blathers about all the stations running the President’s speech so it doesn’t matter which station he leaves the tiny TV on. And with that, Salmon takes the cane and leaves.

We are treated to a weird closeup of Jack’s eyes as the TV gets static-y and can’t pull in the signal well. We get more weird closeups of objects in the room: strange art, the time lapse camera, the timer, the clock (which reads 4:22pm, so I guess we’ve a while to go before it gets dark? Or is this after DST ends?), a cropped shot of a painting of a woman holding a poppy, Marion (?) who is not a figment of Jack’s imagination and is actually in the room. “OH MY GOD.” She states, as she calmly and slowly walks into the room.

If she’s genuinely horrified, it isn’t showing.

She kneels beside the chair as Jack is shocked by her sudden and unexpected arrival. She’s wearing what I’m assuming is a nurse’s outfit? No? No, just 70s clothes. She asks who did this to him. Jack says no one’s done anything to him and tells her to get out of the apartment. She’s still demanding answers, pulling at the locks and chains.

For a scene that is supposed to be tension filled, this is extremely underwhelming in the dramatics department. If I walked in on someone I loved, chained to a chair in an extreme manner and knew it wasn’t a normal thing (kinky or otherwise) I would be very concerned.

Jack demands Marion leaves. “Will you please stop barking at me!?” she replies. Ha. 1 point for a sad attempt at humor. Okay, a thought occurred. How much time had passed between Salmon leaving and Marion arriving? Because it’s suddenly MUCH DARKER in the apartment. Marion insists she’s staying the night so Jack will see that all this nonsense is all in his mind. Jack is incredulous at this idea. She also says she’ll leave the chains on, before she gets up and turns the TV off.

Jack states there’s a gun next to the TV and it’s loaded and if something happens like Jack turning into a werewolf, that’s the only thing that can keep him from killing. At this point, Marion has picked up the gun and put her finger prints all over the handle and barrel, you dumb idiot. She tosses it back on the shelf, exasperated with Jack. Jack demands she keep the gun with her at all times. Marion returns to his side and weirdly pets his face. And now there’s awkward kissing.

The phone rings! Marion breaks away from sucking Jack’s face off to answer it, even though Jack says not to. “It’s Daddy,” she says. Oh boy, President Idiot with impeccable timing. Marion holds the phone up so Jack can talk to him. President is upset because although he promised a few days off for Jack (WHEN? HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS PLAN. WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS.) now the Press Secretary is ill and how can the President do this address without Jack in attendance? “I guess it’s my most important address ever!” THIS WHAT WE CALL FORESHADOWING, KIDS.

Something something China, blah blah not using it to cover up the fact he’s imposing a curfew on Washington D.C., because werewolf. God, this movie’s script is just a mess. “I don’t want to sound like the little boy who cried wolf.” Clearly Jack is trying to beg off attending, you know, since he’s currently CHAINED TO A ROCKING CHAIR, but President Idiot insists. Because, script says so.

I’ve have gleefully taught my mother that any time she questions something in a show or film to say, “SCRIPT SAYS SO.” Or failing that, “IT’S A SHOW/MOVIE.” Because those three little words explain everything.

FFS HE’S SENT A HELICOPTER TO PICK UP JACK. [Wing: The president made fucking helicopter noises to explain what he was doing. What is even happening.]

Um, what a weird cut? Now the President is standing outside of one, and Jack is all “Isn’t that your helicopter over there?” and nope, ALL of them are his helicopters. I can’t even… how the fuck did Jack get out of the chains? Who had all the keys to the padlocks? Fish Boy? Or did they just leave them in the apartment with Jack? THIS IS SHODDY STORYTELLING.

President Idiot boards the helicopter and greets what I’m guessing to be a Chinese diplomat who boards after him, followed by Jack, who is obsessively slicking down his hair. It ain’t gonna help, Jack. Oh my bad, it’s the Chinese Prime Minister. We’re about to have a good old fashioned international incident!

According to President Idiot, this is the first time national broadcasting has been interrupted for an unannounced press conference address. *stares suspiciously* I mean, I have no way to google if that’s true or not, but I am a child of the 80s and remember a lot of broadcast interruptions made by the White House over the past several decades, so…

“Is it true everybody in Washington is afraid of a werewolf?” the Chinese Prime Minister asks. Oh lord. This movie. Jack is fucking around loosening his tie and the President is laughing at how silly that question is. How does this still have thirteen minutes to go?

Random stock footage of an airplane or a helicopter inserted, this is CLEARLY not Marine Force One here. Yet, none of the passengers have buckled their safety belts and the cabin shows no signs of actual moving or takeoff. PM dude is informing the President he read all about the werewolf in Hanoi papers. Sure. In modern times, he would have probably read it on X, formerly the Bird App, but then again it’s banned in China so maybe not?

PM thinks the werewolf story is a case of mass hysteria. I wish. Oh, wait… I forgot we’re in 2024.

“Jack would you look into that” amusing report of a werewolf, the President laughs. Jack just looks blankly, I’m actually wondering if he’s asleep or what. And insert more random stock footage of clearly not this helicopter and it’s also filmed in the dark so you can’t see that it’s not remotely this helicopter. Kudos to the filmmakers on this charming deception.

OH LOOK THE (NO LONGER ACTUALLY) FULL MOON!

Annnnnnnnnnd it begins. The PM has noticed how quiet and suspicious Jack has become. And then we are presently treated to yet another in-camera transformation but it’s so slow that the PM has time to start yelling in (I’m guessing?) Chinese while the President fails to notice (no big surprise) and is yelling back about how the PM will be introduced first.

President Idiot has busted out his poor Chinese language skills while we move back to the in-camera transformation already in progress. It’s really fucking slow compared to the prior one. And it’s causing great concern to the PM, who is watching intently as the President rambles fucking on and on.

“Mister Prime Minister, you’re not listening!” the President chides. Dude, I wish I could fucking tune you out. And I’m not currently trapped in a flying vehicle with a man transforming into a werewolf. [Wing: Werewolf in a helicopter is actually a great idea. Shame it’s not in a better movie.]

Oh, we had a bit of a speed up, Jack’s deep into the transformation now. Bottom fangs, longer hair, extremely dark makeup on the face to simulate fur. “This is not the thing I want! I don’t want him in here!” The PM yells at the President, who I have failed to mention, cannot see Jack, because Jack is sitting in a seat that is turned away from the President.

“Just leave Jack out of this and talk to me,” President Idiot deserves what’s coming to him, that’s all. Now he’s demanding Jack pay attention. Sorry, we’ve passed that point of the ride. The President is yelling at Jack, the PM is yelling at the President, and Jack has finally finished his transformation. I’m sure that was drawn out for tension, but it was way too long. Maybe air travel effects transformation? That’s a thought.

“HIJACK!” The PM yells, completely able to see Jack is now Were!Jack.

Oh my god, President Idiot thinks the PM is trying to get off the plane but can’t here, because they have to land first. Dude, you’re in a flying tin can with a vicious predator. You may not survive, between the impending attack and/or crash this will cause.

OH FINALLY THE TRANSFORMATION IS TRULY COMPLETE. Damn that was just taking forever. Jack lunges up from his seat, crouching and growling, although his movements are still more domesticated dog than wolf. NOW he has President Idiot’s full attention, as well as the PM’s. “Jack, you’re right! It is you!” President Idiot points and wags his finger. And, you sir, I will not remotely miss.

He just literally told Jack “DOWN, BOY.”

Someone from the cockpit  just pulled a gun. Wow. Secret Service finally gets involved. President Idiot grabs the gun and tells him not to shoot. Now he’s yelling at Were!Jack to SIT. My god. This is taking forever and although this is a monster movie, they’re treating the werewolf – who has MURDERED MULTIPLE PEOPLE – like he’s a trained domesticated dog. [Wing: Okay, I’ll admit it, I laughed. I’d say this movie broke me, but I don’t think that’s possible anymore.]

So now Were!Jack is between the PM and the President, with the USSS guy still aiming his gun but now sitting in the PM’s former seat. And it is very clear this “helicopter” is on the ground because there’s absolutely no motion whatsoever.

BECAUSE THIS IS A MOVIE, the President manages to knock open the door to the helicopter – you know, the one that doubles as stairs – and looks out over the ground where tons of people are waiting their arrival. Yet there’s NO WIND. Unfortunately for Wing, there’s lots of shaky camera work in the next shots. It still does not sell this scene and its intensity in any way.

And, further proof they never left the ground, the President walks down the steps and out of the helicopter, Were!Jack on his heels. Yet in a blink THEY ARE ON THE GROUND, WRESTLING AWAY, THE WIND FROM THE HELICOPTER BLADES BLOWING VICIOUSLY. Men rush forward to break them up but Were!Jack leaps at them. And there’s a weird cut, then he’s attacking the President again, then… I’m honestly not sure. I would assume he has clawed or bitten the President by now but everything is stupidly dark and filmed from a weird distance so you cannot see most of the action.

Oh my god, President Idiot has removed his jacket and is using it like he’s a goddamn bullfighter in the ring, waving it at Were!Jack. I didn’t think this could get remotely more stupid but I was wrong. Oh so wrong. And there’s a ton of reporters kneeling on the ground, snapping photos. Were!Jack finally wrestles the President to the ground and looks like he’s biting him but again ANOTHER weird fucking cut and suddenly Were!Jack is up and running away, while USSS and other guards start firing guns at him.

Did… did they actually film this from a helicopter to pretend they were on the helicopter? Because that’s what it looks like. How… dumb.

Someone yells for a medic, and indeed, President Idiot is pretty (fake) bloodied. The AG yells for everyone to stay back, because “he may be the President but he’s still a human being.” [Wing: NOPE.] Oh lord. Salmon is also there and is all “OH MY GOD, MARION!” Because sure, why not. He runs off, followed by the AG. President Idiot is clutching the podium, breathing hard, guarded by one lonely rifle toting MP while some sound dude records all this on a giant microphone setup. Wild.

“I just want to make one thing perfectly clear,” he gasps out. And then he’s down and I can’t understand a single word. Like, this is so bad. Not in a funny way, just in a this is really bad acting and film making way.

OH HEY, IT’S SPY CAMERA DUDE!

We hear a single howl. And now we’re… somewhere else, and Marion is lighting matches because she’s set a fancy table setting for dinner. There’s an actual champagne bucket. She hears a noise that I don’t even hear and calls out, “Jack is that you?” OH SO SHE KNOWINGLY FREED HIM. She leaves the table, only one candle lit, we aren’t allowed to see anything happening for fuck knows why.

Marion randomly returns with a vase full of red roses to place on the table. Not sure there’s really room for it but whatever. She goes back to striking a second match for the unlit candle, which is now blocked by the roses, so that seems like a really dumb idea unless she intentionally wants to burn the apartment down.

WERE!JACK HAS ENTERED THE CHAT ROOM!

Just as Marion gets the match lit, she stops, the match hovering over the candle/roses, and slowly turns around. She finally sees Were!Jack and screams. He lurches into the room, towards her. Like, I can’t really properly describe how badly this is acted. Marion just keeps screaming, keeping the table between here and Were!Jack, now a chair, now the table again, still screaming. Were!Jack finally tosses the table as Marion flees the room.

Only for her to enter the world’s most terrifying bathroom. Holy fuck, that wallpaper. It’s an intense floral in all colors of the rainbow, repeating over and over. And I say this as someone who grew up in a house that had vastly intense wallpapers of all sorts in every room (aka my grandparents’ house) and even those pale in comparison to this particular bathroom. My god I am having flashbacks and will certainly have nightmares about this.

Apparently Marion is also terrified of her bathroom decor, because she fails to lock the door. But somehow she has the gun! Jack leaps in as Marion leaps up on the tub (?) surround, gun in hands. There are way too many mirrors in this bathroom, more nightmares for me. We watch from the mirror’s reflection as Were!Jack moves in front of her as Marion raises the gun…

There’s a whole point with the makeup acting weird that you just have to see for yourself, it’s unintentionally funny.

And everything goes slow motion as Were!Jack roars and Marion fires the gun! And now a smash cut to a huge blood squib exploding under Were!Jack’s shirt. The silver bullet has done its job! Okay, now we have dramatic slow motion death. This… this is dumb. Were!Jack flails around before finally dropping to his knees and falling out of frame. Marion continues to sob/scream while still pointing the gun. Honey, it’s over.

God, that wallpaper is atrocious. And Marion must agree because she lets out an ear piercing screech scream. Yikes.

Suddenly, the AG runs into the bathroom, followed by Salmon who is still in full dress uniform complete with hat. Spy Camera guy is also there, along with whom I assume was the USSS dude from the “helicopter”. Marion is still wailing as Salmon gets her down from the tub surround, as AG and that other dude stare down at Jack’s corpse. Spy Camera guy just takes his usual position up against a back wall.

And I was wrong. Jack’s not a corpse yet, he is in fact still Were!Jack. But he transforming back to human, at the slowest speed ever. Well, I take that back, this is faster than the transformation on the helicopter. Still. That massive explosion his chest took, he should be dead, but YES I KNOW IT’S A WEREWOLF MOVIE AND SCRIPT SAYS SO.

We get a weird upside down POV shot from Jack’s position on the floor, as his former friends, lover, and coworkers stand around staring down at him. Awkward. You know, no effort is made to attempt to save his life. Weird.

“Oh good god, it was Whittier.” the AG exclaims as Jack finally finishes transforming back to human and expires. Marion scream-wails his name and the AG demands Salmon and the USSS guy take her out. She continues screaming that she didn’t know. HE FUCKING TOLD YOU. HE TOLD ALL OF YOU AND YOU REFUSED TO BELIEVE HIM AND NOW YOU’RE ALL SHOCKED!?

The AG doesn’t want the press to know Marion is there. What, in Jack’s apartment? Or is it her apartment? I’m thoroughly confused. AG pulls Salmon back in and theorizes on the news leaking. “If what gets out, General? He’s changed back. Who’s to say any of us saw what we saw?” Salmon points out. AGAIN, KIDS, THIS IS FORESHADOWING.

At first the AG demands an autopsy but changes his mind to a “hero’s burial” and quickly cooks up an implausible story about a sniper’s bullet with Marion’s name on it. WTAF. Then he wants the gun traced before deciding to just have Salmon bury it. Literally bury it. With last year’s nerve gas. WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS BULLSHIT.

(Answer: the man who edited the 2000 television movie Meatloaf: To Hell and Back. I am not making this up. He wrote and edited this disaster of a film.) [Wing: W H A T]

Different USSS dude wanders back in. “The President is all right, he just has a little bite on the neck.” FORESHADOWING FOR FUN AND PROFIT, KIDS! [Wing: NO, THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED.]

AG is trying to run the show and botching the fuck out of it, when that sassy reporter runs into the terrifying bathroom and sees Jack’s corpse. AG snaps at him that the press won’t have Jack Whittier to kick around anymore. WHEN. WHEN DID THEY KICK HIM AROUND. YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Instead of a smash cut the screen goes black before it reopens on a night time shot of the White House. Again, charming use of stock footage. A wolf howls in the distance. More wolves join in. Now a really LOUD wolf howl. Image goes black… again?

Uh, the credits are rolling? Weird. We hear in a voice over, the President giving his address. Oh, this is him thanking everyone for cards and well wishes during his “recent illness”. (I’m laughing because Spy Camera guy is actually credited as “DARK GLASSES”.) President Idiot is going on about vicious rumors that have spread about members of his cabinet taking out political opponents. Um. Now he’s talking about roaming the silent empty corridors of the White House at night.

The President continues, getting stuck and repeating, “And so…” three times before he begins to growl, the words becoming more and more garbled before he lets out a howl.

THE END.

Final Thoughts

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggggg.

Okay, trivia stuff first. Director/editor Milton Moses Ginsberg and cast members Dean Stockwell, Biff McGuire and Lenka Peterson all passed away in 2021, which is one of those weird coincidences but still worthy of noting in my final thoughts. That’s the main character, the President, and the lady Senator.

Apparently there were a lot of references to Nixon in this, most of which are entirely lost on me because this is 51 years old and I was not alive during Nixon’s presidency… or anything leading up to it. Specifically, the line about the press not having Jack to kick around was almost word for word something Nixon said. Okay. Whatever. Some movies age poorly because they are so dependent upon the time frame they are set in and this is one of them.

Now, my actual thoughts on this. THIS WAS FUCKING STUPID. I appreciate someone thinking out of the box in many ways and trying to make a political monster movie. That said, if it’s true the script was written in just 10 days, IT REALLY FUCKING SHOWS.

It’s hard, political stuff, when you go deeper than scratching the surface. I am a person who’s most notable reference to Nixon is a joke from Treehouse of Horror IV in which he is summoned to sit as a juror during Homer’s trial vs the Devil. Yeah, I am familiar with “I am not a crook!” and other general incidents that float around through the collective conscience but I still was not alive when these events happened and now they’re mostly used as jokes.

So really, a lot of the political in this is lost on me. Sure, the general characterizations – a stupid President, a racist AG, ineffectual operatives for both sides – that I get. I’m not unaware of the current political climate. But it’s also something I do not wish to deal with while trying to watch films. Films and books are to be ESCAPES from that.

Yeah, I know, I’m the one who picked this fucking film.

On a whole, there’s a lot of interesting concepts in the story. But mashed together, none of them get the treatment they need, the time and attention they need to gel and become something really interesting. It’s all just disjointed and comes together like, oh we need something to explain this but let’s just jam in a SECRET SHADOW SCIENCE OP that will confused people but also feed the idea of conspiracies within the government! Yeah, because we need more of that.

For several days I’ve been thinking about how this movie could have been fixed and while I hate that I am wasting so much mental time thinking about that – really, I have better things to do – it says something about this film, the potential of it, that is clearly there if I’m still thinking about it.

Because nothing will form a cohesive sentence, my ideas seem to revolve around changing the beginning to show Jack begging for assignment in Hungary, then establishing him there, with a backstory that explains he knew about or uncovered the super secret supernatural science doctor’s experimentation. Having an affair with the President’s daughter… that could stay or go. Either way, Jack fled, but he’s got a target on his back. Maybe he was assigned to Hungary because Dr Kiss decided to see if he could get Jack bitten and turned? Maybe Gizelle was working for Dr Kiss and set Jack up? See, already way more interesting than what I just recapped.

Funny enough, the director did prepare a “Director’s Cut” version of the film, which was released alongside the theatrical cut on Blu-ray in 2023. If I care enough I would attempt to track it down and see what differences there were. I’m sad the actual distributor’s website says NOTHING about the differences in the cut (I’m not dumb enough to pay $10 to own this, either) but maybe someday I’ll find out. (Oh my god, they sell the Blu-ray release of COOL AS ICE! Noooo!) [Wing: RESIST!]

Again, I feel like there was a lot of potential with the story but it failed to be executed by cast and director/editor and ended up just a horrible piece of trash that wasn’t even that funny.

As for the actual werewolf… it wasn’t bad? Just like in Byte, it was more of a hybrid than what I would expect of an ACTUAL WEREWOLF. This was a German Shepherd Dog Wolf Werewolf. Unlike the batwolf in Byte, which was obviously pieced together from costumes bought off Amazon, the use of onscreen transformations did help? Not sure what they helped but, sure, they helped?

The fact that BOTH films end with a broadcast in which the United States (or, the world at large in the case of Byte) are now being taken over by werewolves was purely coincidental. It’s funny how unknowingly we picked movies that end similarly during the year we picked movies that are entirely opposites otherwise.

[Wing: I think at a different time, I would have had more entertaining thoughts about this, but look, it’s monstrous white men with power in Washington DC doing monstrous things that harm pretty much only non-white men. Too fucking real.]

On that note, we’ll see you again in fall 2025… hopefully…