{"id":237,"date":"2014-08-04T19:21:56","date_gmt":"2014-08-04T19:21:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pointhorror.inthemoonlight.net\/?p=237"},"modified":"2020-03-23T18:59:00","modified_gmt":"2020-03-23T18:59:00","slug":"the-lifeguard-by-richie-tankersley-cusick","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/the-lifeguard-by-richie-tankersley-cusick\/","title":{"rendered":"Recap #9: The Lifeguard by Richie Tankersley Cusick"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"The<\/a>
The Lifeguard by Richie Tankersley Cusick<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Title:<\/b> The Lifeguard by Richie Tankersley Cusick<\/p>\n

Summary:<\/b> Kelsey\u2019s summer should have been paradise: An invitation to rich and famous Beverly Island, complete with sun-drenched beaches and three gorgeous lifeguards on duty. But Kelsey\u2019s summer is the opposite of paradise. It starts with the note under her pillow from a girl who\u2019s missing. Then there\u2019s the crazy man in the lighthouse who won\u2019t leave Kelsey alone. And there have been a number of suspicious drownings\u2026 At least she has the lifeguards around to protect her\u2026 Poor Kelsey. Someone forgot to tell her that lifeguards don\u2019t always like to save lives.<\/p>\n

Tagline:<\/b> Don\u2019t call for help\u2026 he may just kill you.<\/p>\n

Note:<\/b> I will use \u201cBad Guy\u201d throughout my reviews to refer to the anonymous killer\/prankster\/whatever. Doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s a guy<\/s>. I will refer to the Bad Guy throughout as \u201cJustin\u201d because it\u2019s fucking obvious it\u2019s Justin. It\u2019s never been so fucking obvious ever before. Seriously, the Bad Guy is fucking Justin and I\u2019m on page five. It\u2019s fucking Justin, ok?<\/p>\n

[Wing: WUT? NO! How dare you spoil it for me! I really thought it was Isaac<\/del> Skip Neale<\/del> Kelsey’s dead dad come back to take vengeance.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Initial Thoughts:<\/h1>\n

Right, so I must have read this at some point because it\u2019s in the box that came from my mother\u2019s house. Also, it\u2019s stamped with \u201cProperty of Sackville School\u201d on the sides, which means it came from my home town. (No, I didn\u2019t steal it\u2026 wait, I\u2019m the evil twin, I totally stole it from a very posh public* school.) I have no recollection of ever reading this. Ever. So let\u2019s just say I hate the cover and that\u2019s all I\u2019ve got.<\/p>\n

*I\u2019m English, so if you\u2019re American, I mean private. Either way, a posh, pay-for-your-education-and-associate-with-toffs school.<\/p>\n

Recap:<\/h1>\n

First things first, since it\u2019s Cusick, the punctuation will be abused so here, have some stats:<\/p>\n

Ellipses used:<\/b> 691<\/p>\n

En Dashes used:<\/b> 764<\/p>\n

Appropriate usage of the above:<\/b> less than 10%<\/p>\n

Yeah. This pisses me off on an epic scale. And not just because I had to format the fucking thing for my Kindle. Why can\u2019t we use commas, semi-colons and full stops? Why\u2026 is it\u2026 always\u2026 ellipses \u2013 well, except for when \u2013 to be dramatic \u2013 we start \u2013 needlessly<\/i> \u2013 using \u2013 wait for it \u2013 en dashes. *sigh*<\/p>\n

To illustrate just how often they showed up, I created a worldle.<\/p>\n

\"The<\/a>
Yes, she uses these more than the protagonist\u2019s name<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

<\/p>\n

Ok, so we open with the prologue, and it\u2019s our FAVOURITE THING EVAH, it\u2019s a Bad Guy POV. Well, not exactly a POV, it\u2019s third person, but whatevs. Basically, he\u2019s just killed someone he really liked but has boo-boo face over it, but he had to do it because she\u2019d come to him and told him she was gonna tell.<\/p>\n

Mwahahahaha!<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

Then we meet Kelsey Tanner, and this is basically the same opener as Trick or Treat. A spoilt, annoying brat, is travelling with a parent to a house owned by the parent\u2019s new partner, and the new partner\u2019s family is going to be there, and everyone is happy except Kelsey, who grouses about it while parent gives us exposition. Minor changes from Trick or Treat? Parent is female, partner has three kids, not just one, and it\u2019s day and they\u2019re heading to an island. Aside from that, the same vibe.<\/p>\n

[Wing: ALSO, same flirtation between protagonist and new semi-siblings. INCEST IS BEST, Y’ALL.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

In a minor turnabout, the parent is as big of a dickhead as the protagonist. While travelling on the boat to the island, Kelsey dreams about her father drowning. I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s bad writing or meant to be mysterious, but we\u2019re not really told that her father dies, but it\u2019s PH, so he totally did.<\/p>\n

[Wing: I think we’re meant to assume her father tried to drown her. Oh, we’re not? Because I did.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

And we have this exchange with her mother, about the fact that being on a boat (I\u2019m on a boat, mother fucker<\/a>) has triggered her dreams about his death:<\/p>\n

\u201cKelsey,\u201d Mom said quietly. \u201cHoney, I\u2019m sorry. I thought it\u2019d be good for you to have a vacation. Make new friends. I\u2026 guess I thought\u2026\u201d her voice sank to a whisper and trembled, \u201cmaybe you could forget\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She trailed off, but Kelsey\u2019s mind raced on. Forget?<\/i> How in the world would she ever be able to forget? When every sight of water reminded her? When the same nightmare kept coming back? When every time she looked in a mirror, the reminder was always there: her father\u2019s black eyes snapping back at her, her father\u2019s black hair, wavy and wild\u2026 his<\/i> nose his<\/i> chin\u2026 his<\/i> olive complexion\u2026 how could she ever forget when he<\/i> wouldn\u2019t let her?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So, yeah, her father spitefully gave her his genetics, then his own life to save her, just so he could totally fuck her up about it. What a bastard.<\/p>\n

Also, why on earth would her mother want her to forget<\/i> her father? Honestly, a quick edit would have made that a little less tactless, using \u201cmove on\u201d instead of \u201cforget\u201d would have clarified her mother\u2019s meaning. Unless her mother actually does want her to forget. And given the usual characterisation in these books, it\u2019s not completely unlikely.<\/p>\n

Cheer on the killer:<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

Dickhead Mom gives us the role call:<\/p>\n

Justin Connell:<\/b> HE DID IT! HE DID IT! HE DID IT! (He\u2019s cute and popular and awesome, etc.)<\/p>\n

Neale Connell:<\/b> He\u2019s strange and withdrawn. We\u2019re supposed to believe this makes him a killer. He\u2019s not. I bet he\u2019s trying hard to figure out who the killer is. (Hint: it\u2019s Justin).<\/p>\n

Beth Connell:<\/b> Adorable 13 year old who worships her older brothers (Justin and Neale) and is really nice. Also, she\u2019s missing.<\/p>\n

Skip Rochford:<\/b> Cute boy Kelsey meets on the boat. He had a date with Beth the night she went missing. He\u2019s not the killer.<\/p>\n

So, Beth\u2019s missing, they found her towel and sandals covered in blood at the beach. In response to the news that Beth is missing, we get this gem:<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Mom\u2019s lips moved, marionette-like. \u201cWhat\u2014\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Like, what does that even fucking mean<\/i>? Lips moving marionette-like? I get a physical motion being jerky, but lips just leaves me baffled. Oh, I can already tell this is going to be a really long<\/i> recap.<\/p>\n

Anyway they all get settled. Kelsey was supposed to share a room with Beth, but since she\u2019s missing, she gets a room to herself. Win. Well, no, it\u2019s really awkward because Beth\u2019s stuff is everywhere, including a cute little note that Beth left her saying that she\u2019s really excited Kelsey is here.<\/p>\n

She gets talking to Justin (THE KILLER! HIM! HE DID IT! RUN AWAY!) about stuff. There\u2019s beaches on the island, East Beach, which is private and safe, and West Beach, which is also safe, but it leads to the cove, which has a wicked undertow and evil rocks, so you\u2019re pretty much dead if you go in the water.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey found some of her things at the cove,\u201d Justin said quietly. \u201cBeth liked to take walks by herself\u2026 go off alone and think.\u201d He smiled remembering. \u201cSometimes she\u2019d come back with these stories \u2014 she wanted to be a writer \u2014 so half the time you never knew if what she said was real or imaginary.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And there\u2019s a big flag \u2013 implying that Beth is a lying liar who lies (well, imagines<\/i>) so if she ever mentioned that JUSTIN KILLS PEOPLE, they can write it off as a wacky writer\u2019s imagination. I was about to be all scathing about how writers are so stupid they can\u2019t tell the difference between fiction and reality, then I remembered anne rice<\/b> (she gets no capital letters, and if she objects, I shall tell her she is interrogating the text from the wrong perspective).<\/p>\n

[Wing: You owe me a new laptop. I just spat tea all over this one.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Kelsey then meets Neale, who gets described in a way that makes it clear that (a) Kelsey is attracted to his looks; (b) she is frightened by how intense<\/i> he is; and (c) we will spend the next 200 pages watch Kelsey treat him with suspicion and mistrust despite the fact he is clearly the good guy who she will inevitably snog after he saves her from Justin. *sigh*<\/p>\n

He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s \u2026 my LOVAH!<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

[Wing: Hot, intense, silent — I<\/i> want to snog him.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

MOST. POINTLESS. BOOK. EVER.<\/p>\n

[Wing: But … Neale….<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Just FYI \u2013 I\u2019m on chapter 2. I\u2019m not usually great at whodunits, even the really simple ones like Point Horror, and yet this one is so painfully obvious I can\u2019t help but call everything before it happens.<\/p>\n

Ok, so introductions and exposition over, Kelsey heads upstairs and finds another cute note from Beth. And then a less cute one.<\/p>\n

Kelsey,<\/p>\n

I think someone is going to kill me.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dexter would not pull this shit:<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

Kelsey dithers about the note, she decides to call her BFF, Jenny to get advice on whether she should, you know, submit the fucking evidence she\u2019s found in Beth\u2019s room. However, she can\u2019t find a phone. Or something. IDK. She has her angsty fucking dream again, wakes the house up by screaming, goes to the French doors and sees someone out there and screams again.<\/p>\n

Neale was the person at the doors, and he and Justin basically have an argument over the etiquette of responding to a scream in a pitch dark house at two am.<\/p>\n

Kelsey then goes for a walk, finds a lighthouse, and goes inside. She hears a creepy laugh and falls over.<\/p>\n

Here she meets a red herring named Isaac.<\/p>\n

With a scream, Kelsey jumped back, eyes riveted helplessly on his ghastly appearance. He seemed a giant skeleton, tattered clothes billowing from his lanky frame, a moth-eaten cap pulled low upon his brow. He was dressed like a fisherman, yet the hands that dangled from his frayed cuffs looked like they could crush effortlessly with a touch. But it was his face \u2014 sun-wrinkled, wind-weathered \u2014 that filled her with such loathing. The leathery skin was covered with moles, and where his right eye should have been there was only a filthy black patch. His left eye, narrowed and slanted, was tinged with yellow, and spit clung to the sprouting of whiskers on his chin.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

He\u2019s basically wearing a sign that says \u201cI might look like it, but I\u2019m clearly not the killer!\u201d<\/p>\n

Red Herrings:<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

I have no idea why, but Isaac talks about himself in third person at times. I think it\u2019s meant to be creepy. I find it endearing. He mocks her for coming to an island when she\u2019s scared of water. But says that she\u2019s smart to stay away from it, she might stay alive that way. She feels threatened by him, and says it was mean that he tried to scare her with the creepy laugh in the lighthouse. He says it wasn\u2019t him. Which we can be certain of, because JUSTIN is the killer. Of course, Kelsey\u2019s an idiot, so her takeaway is that Isaac is evil. She decides to run away from him, and tumbles off a cliff.<\/p>\n

Neale saves her life (called it), and then shouts at her for being an idiot, pointing out a \u201cNo trespassing\u201d sign that she waltzed by. She says the gate was unlocked and the sign wasn\u2019t visible when she walked through. Neale thinks she\u2019s a moron. He\u2019s right, she is, but she\u2019s also not lying on this.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s \u2026 my LOVAH!<\/b> 2<\/p>\n

He then takes her down to the cove, which is all rocky and tr\u00e9s threatening. Kelsey decides to walk back to the cottage. Neale\u2019s all, \u201cwhatevs, moron.\u201d At this point, she bumps into Skip and a girl called Donna (hate that name). Neale and Skip snark, accusing each other of caring the least about Beth being missing. Skip clarifies that he was only meeting Beth to talk. Good. She was thirteen, he\u2019s\u2026 I dunno, old enough to drive, so at least sixteen. That\u2019s not a healthy age gap. Oh, and Skip\u2019s rich. Like his grandmother was the<\/i> Beverley of Beverley Island. And Donna\u2019s totally hot for him.<\/p>\n

[Wing: Wait, at one point, weren’t we told Beth was going out with Skip?<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

\u201cShe was going out that night,\u201d Eric said \u201cWith a local boy she really cared about. Skip Rochford.\u201d<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

SEE! Tell me that doesn’t read like it’s a date. She’s THIRTEEN. Skip, you are a creep.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Last year a lifeguard called Rebecca drowned, she heard someone in trouble, took the emergency phone off the hook (to alert everyone necessary) and drowned. No other body was found. Neale took her job. Probably to keep tabs on Justin. Who clearly killed Rebecca.<\/p>\n

[Wing: Whatever, Neale is the killer. Obvs.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

She goes home, and they\u2019re calling off the search for Beth on the assumption she\u2019s dead. Then Donna shows up again. Donna reveals that even snarky Neale was nice to Beth, and she spent all of her time with Justin. Once more proving that she was on to Justin and Neale is livid that his only friend is missing, hence all the snark. For fuck\u2019s sake, people, pay attention.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s \u2026 my LOVAH!<\/b> 3<\/p>\n

They mosey down to the beach and Skip is \u201ccharming\u201d (read: obnoxious) and invites them to a party tonight.<\/p>\n

All my friends are a bag of dicks:<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

They walk back up to the lighthouse and find a body. Nobody is sure if it\u2019s Beth\u2019s or not.<\/p>\n

When Skip comes to investigate, the body is gone. And I have to wonder, what the fuck is up with Point Horror murderers? Why do they always leave shit around, and then rush back to clean it up. Dexter would not pull that shit. If they actually wanted to get away with it, they\u2019d spend less time playing silly buggers.<\/p>\n

Dexter would not pull this shit:<\/b> 2<\/p>\n

Naturally, because this is a PH, Skip thinks they\u2019re joking around. Because, seriously guys, when a thirteen year old girl is missing, there is literally nothing funnier than pretending to find her corpse. BEST. JOKE. EVAH.<\/p>\n

Oh you wacky kids, with your hi-jinks and your pranks:<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

Donna then brings up the Brookfield Murders (they have capital letters because they are Important). It happened where JUSTIN (THE KILLER) went to school, he roomed with Skip. Neale didn\u2019t go to the same school, the boys don\u2019t get along or something. They say murders, but the bodies were never found, so actually it\u2019s a swarm of unresolved missing teenage girls. No suspects. Which is weird, because IT WAS JUSTIN.<\/p>\n

Oh, and I\u2019ll paste this in so Wing can rage about it:<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, and I guess they thought of everything, too. Even checked out the local mental hospital to make sure none of the patients had escaped. A mental hospital in the same town as the school \u2014 I find that extremely appropriate somehow.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

[Wing: OF COURSE THEY DID. CRAZY PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS. I HATE THIS BOOK. THESE CHARACTERS. THIS AUTHOR. BURN THEM ALL WITH FIRE. FEED THEM TO THE SHARKS.<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Except for Neale. I still want to snog him.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity:<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

Then we get a Bad Guy<\/s> Justin POV. Basically it confirms that it wasn\u2019t Beth, it was a runaway (\u2026 a runaway who moved to an exclusive island? Ok then). He has blackouts, he has to leave early in the morning to go killing, then he forgets, and now he\u2019s grumpy because Kelsey and Donna found her. Then abruptly he does an evil cackle. Mwahahahaha! Seriously, wtf? Are we supposed to believe he\u2019s \u201ccrazy\u201d because this barely makes sense? \u201cCrazy\u201d being the PH definition, which means that they are bad people and motives are irrelevant.<\/p>\n

Mwahahahaha!<\/b> 2<\/p>\n

[Wing: I HATE PH TOO.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

She goes home and talks to Justin, and it\u2019s more of the same, pointing fingers at Neale because he\u2019s rude. Because that\u2019s what killers are: obnoxious. They like to stand out as socially inept, because when someone dies\u2026 oh, wait, that would be counter-productive. On second thought, maybe a killer would be sweet and kind and try to blend in, LIKE JUSTIN DOES! OMG, THE KILLER IS JUSTIN.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s \u2026 my LOVAH!<\/b> 4<\/p>\n

Anyway, she calls Jen, her BFF, and tries to tell her about the note and the killing, but Jen\u2019s all \u201cOMG, Kel, my dad is shouting at me and we\u2019re just about to go out, I have to go\u2026\u201d (and in the background we can hear that this is true). Kelsey won\u2019t let her get off the phone. I hate it when this happens, when you\u2019re genuinely in the middle of something, and the other person is all like \u201cYeah, I totes get that you\u2019re busy, but one more thing\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJen \u2014 Jen \u2014 please<\/i> \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, I\u2019m coming!<\/i>\u201d Kelsey, he\u2019s ready to kill me \u2014 you know how he gets. Look, I\u2019ll call you when I get back.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I find the \u201cyou know how he gets\u201d line to be incredibly sinister. I worry about Jen. Which is interesting, because I don\u2019t give a rat\u2019s ass for anyone else in this book.<\/p>\n

Anyway, short version: Kelsey tells her everything, even though Jen\u2019s too busy to listen, and can barely hear her because of the echo on the line, which I take to mean that Justin is listening on another extension.<\/p>\n

[Wing: Wait a minute. When was this book published?<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

\u201cKelsey, I can hardly hear you! What are you on, a twelve-party line? There\u2019s this echo\u2014\u201d<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

[Ok, 1988. While party lines were on the way out by then, they still existed in the USA. I’ll give her this one.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

I was going to miss out this whole bit where Kelsey gets out of the shower and finds wet footprints on the rug, because, like, who cares, it\u2019s fucking Justin again, so I\u2019ll just up the count and move on.<\/p>\n

Dexter would not pull this shit:<\/b> 3<\/p>\n

Then Skip gives us this gem:<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re just like Donna \u2014 two crazy females! You really expect us to believe that? Look here, Kelsey, if you didn\u2019t do it, then who else could<\/i> have? I mean, who\u2019d be wandering around the island going into girls\u2019 bedrooms and making puddles, huh? Was anything missing?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And this is Skip\u2019s way of talking about women. Isn\u2019t he charming<\/i>? So witty and funny and in no way sexist.<\/p>\n

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity:<\/b> 2<\/p>\n

[Wing: I want to like Skip and Donna’s flirtation, because I enjoy snarky, fighting as flirting, but NO I HATE YOU SKIP, YOU SEXIST ABLEIST ARSE.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe it was a ghost,\u201d Neale said, glancing at Justin. \u201cMaybe it was Beth coming back to see who was in her room.\u201d<\/p>\n

The sudden silence was painful. After several seconds Neale turned and walked toward Skip\u2019s car. Skip coughed uneasily. Justin sat down on the step, looking disgusted.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t listen to him, Kelsey. He\u2019s just in his usual good humor.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is Neale accusing Justin of murder, and nobody cares.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s \u2026 my LOVAH!<\/b> 5<\/p>\n

They all go to Skip\u2019s party. Justin and Kelsey go swimming (read: she repeatedly says she doesn\u2019t want to, he talks her into it, and because she fancies him, this is acceptable. Everything she says is a variation of \u201cNo\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t want to\u201d. Not ok, writer.) and a wave separates them, and Justin goes missing.<\/p>\n

I beat you because I love you:<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

But panic not, he\u2019s the killer, so it\u2019s all a fake-out. Kelsey thinks she sees a shark.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s dead! He\u2019s dead! HE\u2019S FUCKING DEAD! \u2026 oh wait, he survived:<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

They find Justin fine and sprawled on the beach. He wants to know where Neale was when he went into the water. Because he\u2019s the killer, and he\u2019s trying to point fingers. Again<\/i>.<\/p>\n

[Wing: This book needs more sharks.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Back at the house, Kelsey sulks in one room while everyone else socialises in another. Then Neale comes in, asks a few questions and Kelsey gets defensive.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026You think maybe Justin just washed himself up on the beach to scare us all to death?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Yes, Kelsey, that\u2019s exactly<\/i> what I think. And so does Neale, because we\u2019re smart. Or, at least, not as thick as you. Also, he wants to know if she\u2019s sure about the shark, and she claims it bumped her. Neale reasonably points out that a shark\u2019s skin is rough and would have scraped her. She wants to tell the world that MAN EATING SHARKS ARE ON THE FUCKING PROWL, and Neal\u2019s all like \u201cchill, we\u2019re not telling anyone until someone with a brain sees a shark\u201d.<\/p>\n

DED FROM STUPID:<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

Then she bumps into a drunk Skip who tries to red herring us by talking about how he really loves hunting things. And then he has a poor little rich boy moment. And I don\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

Red Herrings:<\/b> 2<\/p>\n

[Wing: I like to call this exchange with Skip the SLEDGEHAMMER OF RED HERRINGS. Also, Skip drives them home. Drunk Skip drives them home. DRUNK SKIP DRIVES THEM HOME. I hope you all die. Even you, Neale.<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

No, not you, Neale. Still want to snog you. Wing is feeling shallow today.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

The next morning she has a conversation with Neale where Kelsey is horrified at how calm Neale is in the face of the tragedy of Beth\u2019s demise. He says he has accepted it, and he\u2019s sorry for everyone, but he does it without emotion. Why do all protagonists in PH have such issues with people who don\u2019t weep and wail? Some people are naturally private about their feelings. I fly off the handle and rage and shout; Wing, on the other hand, is incredibly reserved in public. Both our emotions and reactions are valid. You are allowed to be deeply hurt by something without having a meltdown every 20 seconds to prove it.<\/p>\n

[Wing: *preens*<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s \u2026 my LOVAH!<\/b> 6<\/p>\n

Then Kelsey has a conversation with Donna. She recounts everything that\u2019s happened, only with a decidedly pro-Justin slant. Donna suggests that the killer is after Kelsey because she has the note from Beth, which is proof. Except in the same conversation a few moments ago, they both agree that the note is not proof and the local police will think they\u2019re \u201ccrazy\u201d. Also, the note has been removed, so Kelsey has no proof anyway… I… no, I can\u2019t keep up with the stupid logic of this entire fucking book. KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!<\/p>\n

DED FROM STUPID:<\/b> 2<\/p>\n

Oh you wacky kids, with your hi-jinks and your pranks:<\/b> 2<\/p>\n

They both agree that the killer is obviously Isaac.<\/p>\n

Donna and Kelsey are the most stupid human beings in the world.<\/p>\n

DED FROM STUPID:<\/b> 3<\/p>\n

Donna reached out, her cold fingers clamping around Kelsey\u2019s wrist. \u201cBut you said he denied<\/i> killing her, even though\u2014\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Because he didn\u2019t do it. And if he did, and wants to get away with it, why wouldn\u2019t<\/i> he deny it?<\/p>\n

Also, we have yet to come up with a motive beyond \u201che\u2019s a bit odd looking, so I think he\u2019s a murderer\u201d. I mean, yes, we\u2019re very clear on killing Kelsey for the ridiculous reason about the note, but why did he kill Beth. Oh, right \u201ccrazy\u201d.<\/p>\n

DED FROM STUPID:<\/b> 4<\/p>\n

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity:<\/b> 3<\/p>\n

Red Herrings:<\/b> 3<\/p>\n

Next chapter is a Bad Guy<\/s> Justin POV. He didn\u2019t want to hurt Beth, but she knew he was a killer, and confronted him. So, now we have a motive. And also, wow. A thirteen year old decides to confront a murderer. That\u2019s somewhere between \u201cbrave\u201d and \u201cassisted suicide\u201d.<\/p>\n

[Wing: She loved<\/i> him. She thought she could fix<\/i> him. *gags*<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Mwahahahaha!<\/b> 3<\/p>\n

DED FROM STUPID:<\/b> 5 (possibly literally in Beth\u2019s case)<\/p>\n

Next up, Kelsey decides to break into Isaac\u2019s houseboat where she finds a knife and a scarf (Beth\u2019s) and then Kelsey sees a rat and runs for her life.<\/p>\n

At home she gets a call from her mom to say that Justin and Neale\u2019s dad has collapsed, a minor heart problem, and they\u2019re keeping him in hospital a few days. So, that conveniently removes any parent figures that might be of use. Also, conveniently, Kelsey doesn\u2019t even have to tell the boys personally, even though her mother asks her to. She runs into Skip and he takes care of it.<\/p>\n

Parents? What parents?<\/b> 1<\/p>\n

Then they go to a beach party, Kelsey tells Donna about breaking into Isaac\u2019s houseboat and the girls are suitably horrified, but the boys (including Skip) overhear and shoot their theories down in flames \u2013 a knife? He fishes. A scarf? Yes, because there\u2019s only one red scarf in the world.<\/p>\n

Then a Bad Guy<\/s> Justin POV in which he is sad because he now has to kill Isaac, because Isaac knows who the murderer is.<\/p>\n

Mwahahahaha!<\/b> 4<\/p>\n

Donna borrows Kelsey\u2019s jacket, and gets thrown off a cliff because Bad Guy<\/s> Justin mistook her for Kelsey. Oops. I bet she survives but with either be unconscious or have convenient plot amnesia, in order to drag out this \u201cmystery\u201d further.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s dead! He\u2019s dead! HE\u2019S FUCKING DEAD! \u2026 oh wait, he survived:<\/b> 2<\/p>\n

Kelsey finds a letter from Neale to Beth, it reveals he<\/i> was the one staying in Brookfield Psych Ward. OMG reveal. It implies suicide attempt. Also, it\u2019s on headed paper for the hospital. Seriously, wtf? Who on earth gives patients headed paper to write on? I\u2019m certain that in real life they either give you blank paper for free, or make you pay a small fortune for it from the shop they run there. If I was given headed paper, I would run amok pretending to be a doctor and giving false diagnoses.<\/p>\n

[Wing: I bet they let patients play with their prescription pads, too.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity:<\/b> 4<\/p>\n

The next day there\u2019s a massive storm (please god, let this be a sign that we\u2019re nearly at the end), and Donna\u2019s not picking up Skip\u2019s calls. There\u2019s also some really clumsy misdirection about Skip\u2019s keys or something, which the reader is supposed to take as ominous, but we all know the killer is JUSTIN, so it\u2019s barely worth mentioning. He and Kelsey drive over to Donna\u2019s and get in a car wreck. Kelsey is thrown from the vehicle in the crash, she heads back to it and Skip isn\u2019t in the car. For some reason, this is really fucking ominous, even though Kelsey<\/i> was thrown from the jeep. You know, the car with no roof or sides, as it careened out of control.<\/p>\n

Red Herrings:<\/b> 4<\/p>\n

She also finds Isaac\u2019s dead body in the road, he\u2019s been strangled by the red scarf. Kelsey\u2019s all, oh, thank god, we\u2019re all safe, because the murderer has committed suicide… by strangling himself in the middle of a road with a red scarf and stabbing himself with a knife. Then she finds a key in his hand, and is ready to move on to blaming Skip for the murders.<\/p>\n

Skip was systematically disposing of all possible witnesses \u2014 and if Isaac was dead, everyone would think the mystery was over. Except that she had seen Isaac now, and she knew better, knew that he\u2019d been strangled before his body had ever touched the water.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I\u2019m calling bollocks on that. I know it\u2019s the nineties and we\u2019re not quite at the high tech CSI stage, but even so, Isaac is white, so I\u2019m going to say that if he was strangled, there would be bruising. Also, he\u2019s been stabbed. You can\u2019t really blame those two things on drowning. He looks like he\u2019s been murdered. Justin would have been better off drowning him in his own bathtub and throwing him off the houseboat, they could have chalked it up to him being a drunk. Seriously, how stupid is everyone in this book?<\/p>\n

Red Herrings:<\/b> 5<\/p>\n

She heads towards the lighthouse because she hears Donna calling out for her, and falls into a cave beneath it or something. Then the voice changes and it wasn\u2019t Donna, it was the killer. Seriously, Justin can perfectly mimic Donna\u2019s voice? That\u2019s quite a talent.<\/p>\n

Beth\u2019s alive, btw. She\u2019s in the cave. No idea about Donna. It\u2019s not been covered, but this is a PH, so it\u2019s not like any of the named cast can die.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s dead! He\u2019s dead! HE\u2019S FUCKING DEAD! \u2026 oh wait, he survived:<\/b> 3<\/p>\n

However, Justin (even though we\u2019re still pretending it\u2019s Skip) says that these caves flood at high tide or storms and they\u2019re going to drown. Right. So Beth\u2019s been down here a week at least. High tide hasn\u2019t happened for a week on Beverley Island? Ok then.<\/p>\n

\u201cKelsey \u2014 Kelsey<\/i>!\u201d<\/p>\n

And she went icy all over, recognizing the voice now \u2014 that deep, emotionless voice that she had feared all along\u2014<\/p>\n

She had been wrong.<\/p>\n

The murderer wasn\u2019t Skip.<\/p>\n

It was Neale.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It\u2019s not. IT\u2019S FUCKING JUSTIN. I DON\u2019T KNOW HOW THE READER IS SUPPOSED TO THINK ANYTHING ELSE.<\/p>\n

Red Herrings:<\/b> 6<\/p>\n

So, Kelsey drowns, thinking Neale\u2019s killing her. Except he\u2019s clearly saving her. He even says \u201cDon\u2019t struggle\u201d just like her dad did. FFS, book.<\/p>\n

[Wing: I still think all the struggle talk has shades of murder to it, personally.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

He\u2019s dead! He\u2019s dead! HE\u2019S FUCKING DEAD! \u2026 oh wait, he survived:<\/b> 4<\/p>\n

WOO! Wrap-up chapter!<\/p>\n

Kelsey wakes up in the hospital. Beth\u2019s fine, Donna\u2019s fine, and we finally clarify the killer was Justin. Seriously, book, I was there at page 5. Keep the fuck up. Potentially he drowned in the caves, Neale tried to save him, but failed.<\/p>\n

Kelsey asks Neale why he was in a psych ward.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it\u2019s okay,\u201d he brushed her apology aside. \u201cNot terribly intriguing, I\u2019m afraid. I was depressed, and I didn\u2019t know what to do with my messed-up life. The usual stuff. Except I didn\u2019t have anyone to talk to\u2026 so I went kind of crazy. Even thought of doing myself in.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou tried\u2026 to kill yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n

Another nod, this one regretful. \u201cStupid. Stupid thing to do. It happens when you think the world\u2019s against you. I know better now, of course.\u201d He shook his head slowly. \u201cI thought I was the only one with problems. I wish I\u2019d known about Justin\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you<\/i> didn\u2019t suspect him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. When things kept happening around the island \u2014 I thought it might be Skip.\u201d He looked so sorry, and Kelsey\u2019s eyes blurred.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd your dad \u2014 he didn\u2019t suspect anything, either?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess it\u2019s hard to suspect someone who\u2019s so perfect. Perfect grades. Perfect looks. Perfect personality.\u201d He dropped his eyes, his face sad. \u201cPerfect disguise.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I SUSPECTED HIM FROM THE GET GO!<\/p>\n

[Wing: IT IS ALWAYS THE PERFECT ONE! DON’T YOU PEOPLE KNOW ANYTHING?<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Anyway, Kelsey\u2019s now in love with Neale, and no named character died, so everything\u2019s fine now!<\/p>\n

He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s \u2026 my LOVAH!<\/b> 7<\/p>\n

You know, except for all the girls who went missing when Justin was at school. And Rebecca, the lifeguard from last year. Oh, and also, Jenny, Kelsey\u2019s BFF from home, I\u2019m still worried about her relationship with her dad. But aside from all that shit, everything\u2019s great.<\/p>\n

[Wing: PH means when the text tells us over and over someone is dead, they’re really alive. I’m definitely seeing all sorts of “horror” in Point Horror. All sorts of “point” to the stories, too.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Final Thoughts:<\/h1>\n

To reiterate: MOST. POINTLESS. BOOK. EVER.<\/p>\n

It has taken me months to get through this shite.<\/p>\n

[Wing: It took me less than an hour. The only reason I finished it is because Dove had written this recap, and I needed to add my comments. This book is so bad it’s hard to snark. Woe.<\/b><\/span>]<\/p>\n

Final Counts:<\/h1>\n

All my friends are a bag of dicks: 1<\/p>\n

Cheer on the killer: 1<\/p>\n

Dexter would not pull this shit: 3<\/p>\n

DED FROM STUPID: 5<\/p>\n

He\u2019s dead! He\u2019s dead! HE\u2019S FUCKING DEAD! \u2026 oh wait, he survived: 4<\/p>\n

He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s the killer! He\u2019s \u2026 my LOVAH! 7<\/p>\n

I beat you because I love you: 1<\/p>\n

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 4<\/p>\n

Mwahahahaha! 4<\/p>\n

Oh you wacky kids, with your hi-jinks and your pranks: 2<\/p>\n

Parents? What parents? 1<\/p>\n

Red Herrings: 6<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dove recaps The Lifeguard by Richie Tankersley Cusick, a book so painfully obvious, it practically announces the killer on the first page. But, you know, red herrings, hot cheerful boys, intense quiet boys, and people who run away to privately owned islands. Your standard baffling Cusick fare.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":636,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[30,22,15,31,28,32,60,46,18,71,75,47,24,21,12],"class_list":["post-237","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-point-horror-recaps","tag-ableism","tag-adults-are-absent","tag-adults-are-idiots","tag-adults-are-useless","tag-always-with-the-incest","tag-annoying-main-character","tag-author-richie-tankersley-cusick","tag-bad-guy-pov-sucks","tag-comments-by-wing","tag-crazy-means-dangerous","tag-needs-more-sharks","tag-obvious-red-herring-is-obvious","tag-punctuation-abuse","tag-recaps-by-dove","tag-threats-are-practical-jokes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/237","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/11"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=237"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/237\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/636"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=237"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=237"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pointhorror.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=237"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}