Title: Werewolves on Wheels (1971)

Summary: The Devil’s Advocates, a biker gang, ride through the barren Californian desert until they happen upon an ‘abandoned’ church. They are ‘befriended’ by the Satanic cultists who have taken over said church. Curses are placed. Werewolves ensue?

Tagline: If you’re hairy you belong on a motorbike! [bat: I picked this one because it is hilarious.] [Wing: Yes, good, werewolves on bikes, here for it.]

Notes: As of the posting of this recap, the full film can be found on YT.

Initial Thoughts

Boy howdy, it’s been a hot minute since our last Snark at the Moon! recap (Silver Bullet, 1985) and we’re already back with what could be a doozy or a dud of a film! After completely burning out on other recaps, it’s nice to know I will always work hard to post our yearly crack at werewolf films.  Or maybe I am avoiding other recaps I should technically be writing. Either way, more WEREWOLVES for Wing! [Wing: Truly the best time of the year.]

For reasons yet to be determined, I fell down another rabbit hole on the internet and turned up 1971’s WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS. I feel like it could have totally benefited from a play on words for the title, maybe WHEREWOLVES or WHEELWOLVES. A huge opportunity blown, film makers!

Anyway, I couldn’t tell you how I found the rabbit hole or how far it went, this was many, many months ago, and time is basically meaningless to my brain. What little I can find out about this film is cobbled together from Wikipedia and IMDb. Which isn’t much, considering it’s the internet. But here’s a list of tidbits that made me want to check it out:

• Most the monks were played by hippies from a local commune in California.
• The majority of the movie was shot in various locations without permits.
• Filmed in 16 days.
• Rob Zombie used quotes from the film in several of his songs. (NO SURPRISE Zombie knows about this film.)
• The “black mass incantation” was mostly improvised. (Aren’t they always? To a fault?)
• Many scenes are footage of real bikers with no experience or training in acting, just going about their lives “as normal”.
• Is a blend of the film genres “outlaw biker” and “horror”. The trailer calls it the first “horror motorcycle film”.
• Someone likened this film to a first/early foray into “reality as entertainment”.

This sounds like a real fucking trip, doesn’t it. I mean, nothing holds a candle to Fury of the Wolfman and Walpurgis Night so far, but Werewolves on Wheels might be a contender? We do so love wacky cults around these parts, the more Satanic the better! And nothing says CALIFORNIA more than biker gangs, be they vampires or werewolves!

Here’s the trailer. I can already tell this is going to get Wing very excited about this film, and it better not disappoint Wing in either department of werewolves and motorcycles.

Wing, why do we not have giant SNARK AT THE MOON back patches on jean jackets? WHY HAVEN’T WE MADE THIS A THING?? Seriously, we’ve been at these recaps over five years now, we should have some sort of clothing to demonstrate our affiliation and super coolness. OhmygodnowItotallywanttomakethisathingnow.

[Wing: … be right back, need to hit my art studio.] [bat:… well now I’m curious.]

There was a bit of plotting our own merch line on Twitter a while ago – we should seriously think about this? Do we have actual fans who would want stuff? – But yeah, WE NEED MEMBERS JACKETS OR SOMETHING, WING.

Anyway, LET’S RIDE WITH WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS!

[Wing: Initial response: What the homoerotic bears rolling down mountains just like in Florida did I watch?!]

Recap

The film opens with the camera at ground level – well, it’s literally on the barely paved road, so I guess street level is more apt? – and it is a hazy, grey-brown world of dust and desert sky. Which is brown. But it’s California, so it’s not surprising. I mean, I have witnessed blue sky in California but rarely without a faint brown haze.

ANYWAY. In the far off distance, between the telephone poles, is a solid mirage of black and chrome. The biker gang approaches! I gotta say, the score is excellent. Apparently it is available! Huh, may have to invest in this. I do love a good film score/soundtrack. (Wing knows this, as she recently gifted me a vinyl copy of the score to CHOPPING MALL as a complete surprise.) [Wing: Still one of my coolest finds. And this opening score is fantastic. Very twangy highway to hell type of thing, which is fitting.]

There’s quite a few motorcycles in this gang. They pass by the camera, followed by a… is that a sidecar? I think it’s a motorcycle and sidecar. Very difficult to tell from the angle. I thought it was a weird modified truck or something.

We start to see the individuals of the gang as the credits begin to roll. Get ready for a lot of bikers with nouns as nicknames! Our lead rider has a woman riding on the back of his bike. Also, it’s probably not exactly warm in the desert. They look like they’re bundled up for a bunch of Californians. I’m not sure if the credits are showing the biker being credited or what. I did look up some of the “actors” and found I have seen them in other things, so maybe the leads are actual actors while the second and third tiers are the real bikers? Hm.

Well, this goes on forever. We just see the various members of the biker gang, riding along some highway in California. Some are solo, others have women on the back of their bikes. Also, it is unsteady camerawork at best. Beware, Wing. [Wing: Appreciate the warning, but it actually didn’t trigger my vertigo. Not sure if there was just enough in frame to focus on or what.]

OH THERE IS A VEHICLE! I wasn’t imagining things. It is a chopped down truck or something that looks like it’s from the early 1900s. Looks like it’s being driven by a woman, with another woman riding shotgun. OH NOW WE’VE REACHED A TOWN! CIVILIZATION! But we’re just ridin’ through.

One of the bikers is literally called One. Well, that’s fun.

We see a humongous flock of birds before we switch to footage of one of the bikers running at cattle, scaring them. Great. He thinks he’s hilarious. [Wing: I also think he’s hilarious, to be fair, mostly in how ridiculous he is scrambling toward the cattle. I’m still surprised the bikers aren’t already werewolves at this point. There’s a lot of … I don’t know, chasing animals, biting at people, I don’t even know. Mainly, though: so much homoeroticism. So. Much.] I guess we’re making a pit stop, as someone is working on a bike and the truck-thing is open in the back, where they keep parts and supplies. Okay, so they’re not totally unprepared bikers! That’s good! We’re even sharing a toke or two of the devil’s lettuce. I guess they’re also share and share alike in the gang.

Back on the road, now some of the riders are doing stunts, like standing on the seat or riding with no hands on the handlebars. Sure. Why not. We’re dangerous outlaw bikers! None of them are wearing helmets. I know that’s a thing. I mean, I have opinions on this because I have watched a loved one survive a traumatic brain injury (not bike-riding related), but unless there’s a law, you’re free to choose. So long as you understand the consequences.

And… I spoke too soon. We round a corner, return to a straight away, and one of the bikers is in the dirt shoulder, flipping his bike, rolling through the dust. Oops. Wait, what the fuck? Did they leave him there? Now there’s the chopped down truck but also a 1940s truck? WHAT IS GOING ON?? All the bikers are lined up blocking the road and the 1940s truck goes careening around a bend then up over a dirt hill?? Now it’s just bikes on the road again?? Please no more weird nonsensical editing. I am still processing all that from Walpurgis Night.

Four minutes of just riding. Well, it is a biker movie. I guess I can expect a lot of that. The theme song winds down as the camera pulls back to reveal the biker gang in the distance, as we move into a gas station. A radio announcer mentions something about a farm report. The station attendant has the hood of the truck raised but the driver slams it down, telling him to forget it. I guess this is the 1940s truck? No??

No, it is isnt! The driver tries to start the truck in an effort to flee the oncoming biker gang but fails. All the motorcycles flock into the lot, surrounding it. I’m still confused on how many actual trucks are with the gang and who isn’t. The bikers physically surround the truck, jumping on it. Hey wait, is this the truck they blocked from the road and made careen over the dirt? SO CONFUSED.

[Wing: Yes! This is the Not One Of Us truck!]

Yeah, I’m not going back and watch again to figure it out. So anyways, the gang attacks and hauls the normie guy out of the truck, bringing him out into the gravel lot. There’s some argument about who gets to punch him? Okay maybe I understand now!! It seems this particular truck ran that biker off the road! Now it makes sense. One of the bikers holds the normie’s arms behind his back, pulling his hair, while two of the others fight each other about who gets to beat him up, I guess.

Okay now we’re just taking turns punching the normie while we’re in a circle. As you do. Ooh, that’s a violent stomp on the nuts. Yikes. Allegedly they had to tone down the violence and profanity to receive a ‘R’ rating. I can see that. Very decidedly can I see that.

Uhhh… they just picked up the normie and placed him in the bed of the pickup, telling the old man who was originally in the passenger seat to “get him out of here”. I guess that’s something? I mean, he’s not really bloody or beaten, except that nut stomp. Old man does as instructed, as a country song comes on. I guess they’re not into murder? Weird.

Whom I am supposing to be the leader of the biker gang informs the attendant to fill up everyone’s bike with gas and to get none of it on his motorcycle. The attendant is totally down. Aww. God I wish we had names. Beardy picks up his woman and sets her down again before they enter what I’m guessing is a… well, I’m not sure. Is it a restaurant? A store? A bar???

One of the bikers chats with Beardy. He thought they were headed into the desert. Beardy orders Mouse to get him a beer. WE HAVE OUR FIRST NAME! Now watch, I will never be able to remember who is who. Apparently the name does not belong to anyone on camera, since Beardy is handed a beer by someone else. He turns to the fellow who was talking and says something about the dude being pissed no one wants him to read their cards. I’m assuming he means Tarot cards. He laughs and says they already know how they’re going to die, “we’re going to crash and burn!” Beardy laughingly hugs the other guy. They are quite touchy-feely. Interesting.

[Wing: So much touching and biting each other. Are we sure they’re not a werewolf pack already?]

I’m just going to say it, since the names are on the wiki article, the dude who likes Tarot is obviously nicknamed Tarot. (Deeply original, there.) He says the cards just take the blindfold off. There’s talk that Tarot is superstitious like a witch (??) and should save it for Halloween. He replies that the Tarot cards have been around longer than this country, meaning America. (Someone actually knows something factual!)

One of the women asks Tarot to read her fortune. He says he doesn’t tell fortunes, he reads cards. Fair point. He adds he doesn’t like to read them for chicks. Fuck you, dude. Beardy says to read the cards for her, adding that it’s something like a “woman’s trick”. THIS IS SWELL. (The Tarot cards were created by the art director. They have blank white backs. It’s weird.) [Wing: I like the blank backs. They’re different. And I’m delighted that the art director designed the deck. Precious.]

The attendant has arrived in the… we’ll call it a bar… and someone offers him grass, but another biker interjects, saying he needs a woman. He goes so far as to offer up Shirley. She gets busy ripping open the attendant’s work shirt.

BACK TO THE FAKE TAROT. The woman who wants her fortune told wants to know how she’s going to die. Okay, the deck, or should I say “deck”, is so small I would bet it’s only the major arcana and not the minor, and even then I would still say it’s just cards made for the fucking movie and not a real Tarot deck. Tarot begins by drawing six cards and didn’t even fucking shuffle, okay. When the cut happens, they’re laid out in what looks like a proper reading. Tarot notes that the Lovers card is on top of the Fool card. I didn’t catch the rest of the cards.

We abruptly return to Shirley, who is molesting the attendant, who looks plain uncomfortable. She declares it looks like he’s never seen a woman and immediately goes to pull up her shirt. There is a huge jump cut and the attendant is staring. I don’t know if the copy I’m watching is edited for content – it seemed like some swearing had been muted a scene or two ago – but I guess it wouldn’t be a biker movie without boobs. The bikers congratulate the attendant when he manages to say the word “woman”. [Wing: While it’s interesting to see the chaos as background to the quiet tarot reading, this whole bit is fucking weird. And unnecessary. And somehow still homoerotic, all biker dudes piling on biker dudes.]

Tarot points out the Death card. He has also revealed the Chariot card, saying it reminds him of their choppers. But fuck that, we’re back to Shirley being… manhandled? mauled? by her “old man”, with the attendant bringing up the rear. Take that as you will.

This is like the tale of two stories being told simultaneously with bad editing. Most of the gang is watching Shirley. Back in the corner, Tarot continues to explain the reading. He conflates the Devil card with Satan. Satan will be her future influence. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, SCRIPT WRITERS. He continues that the World is the heavy changes she’s been through. “There’s been a lot of violence in your life!” Gee, hanging around violent bikers, who would guess. “I got used to it,” she replies. Um. Beardy starts to slowly wander back to observe the Tarot reading.

INSERT RANDOM FOOTAGE OF A MASSIVE FLOCK OF BIRDS FLYING ABOUT. I AM CONFUSED.

Tarot slaps a card on the table. The High Priestess. I mean, for the purposes of this film, sure, but it’s just a dark-haired woman dressed in white, barefoot, and it looks like she’s flying? Or the cape (?) of the dress is just drawn in a confusing manner. “That’s you!” Tarot explains. “A woman of mystery and dark secrets.”

*insert gif of Tony Stark rolling his eyes here*

Tarot is happy to see the Wheel of Fortune (the Tarot card, not the game show) in the spread. He explains that means her end is “per-determined by Fate”. She can’t do anything to change it. I am so lazy and my Tarot reading skills aren’t great, so I’m not even going to bother spending ten minutes looking this up to see if he’s right or not. Beardy does a weird thing involving looking into his empty beer mug and Tarot stands up, saying he’s doing what he was told to do, read her cards. He throws down another card: Judgement. He says that’s her innermost fear, being afraid of the result. Result of what? The Tarot reading? FATE? Fucking make it make sense.

Beardy is slightly buzzed and so over Tarot’s theatrical reading. He yells for everyone to get ready to leave. Tarot is ready to draw his final card of the reading. The woman begs Beardy to wait and see what the last card is. Beardy looks around then folds (see what I did there), telling Tarot to go ahead and tell her how she dies so they can get out of there. Charming.

“Helen is going to die in the Tower, struck by lightning.” Tarot announces, holding aloft the Tower card as well as the Devil card and showing them to all the bikers assembled. Okay. A little on the nose, don’t you think? I’d say the writers were crafty but really, they just stole the damn imagery from the Tower card and through the devil in for funsies.

[Wing: That’s a pretty specific death reading. Also kind of badass.]

INSERT RANDOM SHOT OF BUILDING.

Now we’re looking at pavement that really needs some maintenance. The soundtrack has kicked in yet again and now someone’s WOOHOO-ing as the bikers zoom past the (totally obvious) camera on the ground. I guess we’re back on the road to nowhere and everywhere. There are less antics, though, and they seem to be riding in a law-abiding manner. Beardy looks, dare I say it, pensive?

There’s just a lot of… riding. Someone zooms ahead but I cannot tell from this angle who it is. The road is a little twisty so Wing, you might not enjoy this. Ironically, so much is filmed where trees block the light so you can’t see shit, like I know the bike is there and moving but good lord.

Well, we’ve come to a stop. And it was Tarot who raced on ahead so he could sit and wait for Beardy and the rest of the riders to catch up. Beardy calls Tarot out over this. I am now 100% certain this is an edited copy because Beardy’s little question got bleeped in places. OH WELL, I’m too lazy to find an uncensored copy. [Wing: Tubi has it! Or at least a slightly less censored copy, because it uses the word “putz” in that callout.] Tarot doesn’t take the bait, just admonishes the rest of the bikers that they don’t know what they’re laughing at and he believes in TRUTH™ and apparently he’s going to show them where it’s at. Are we still talking about TRUTH™? I’m confused again.

The bikers ride down a… dirt path? Trail? single-file and allegedly deeper into the woods. Beardy isn’t in front, which is interesting. Everybody stops… somewhere… and we watch Beardy mosey his way along, until the camera focuses on a… well it’s probably similar to a church steeple but that’s decidedly not a cross. It looks like a Taurus symbol, honestly, but it’s mixed with a cross so I’m gonna go with “What is a weird faux Satanic cross for $1000, Alex.” [Wing: Ahahahahaha, it does look like a Taurus symbol!]

Oh, it is the same building we saw a RANDOM INSERT SHOT OF a few seconds ago. It’s kind of a round, squat building that I’m guessing is a church. Or, I guess, a chapel, that makes more sense. LET’S ALL GO TO THE SATANIC CHAPEL, KIDS!

INSERT RANDOM SHOTS OF CIRCLING BUZZARDS HERE FOLLOWED BY VULTURES SITTING IN TREES. I wonder what ever could be the hint the film makers were trying to convey.

INSERT RANDOM CLOSE UP OF SOME DUDE’S EYES. Please, stop. Now we see the bikers jogging up a hillside towards the Satanic chapel and the random dude’s eyeball continues to be cut between the shots and I AM ANNOYED NOW. Yet, I am shown the bikers are all carrying open beer cans as they run towards the Satanic chapel and now I am laughing. This is so fucking random I cannot help but laugh. Like, I can only imagine the direction given: “now, run around through the trees and yell and hoot and be stupid and roll down the hill while carrying open beer cans!”

[Wing: They roll down hills so often. Why? I mean, I find them so ridiculous they’re charming in their own way, but what the ever loving fuck am I watching?]

INSERT RANDOM FOOTAGE OF HOODED MONKS WALKING SOLEMNLY THROUGH THE BRUSH.

I hope we’re getting somewhere because we’re just 14 minutes into this film.

I guess Beardy notices the weird monk dude and his STARING EYEBALLS because he sits up from the pile of bikers to stare back. He points something out to Helen and HEY WAIT IS THE SATANIC CHAPEL SUPPOSED TO BE THE TOWER?? DID MY BRAIN PUT THAT TOGETHER WAY TOO EARLY? Beardy starts laughing again with the rest of the bikers and Helen looks unamused. Beardy calls for everyone to “cool it” and they are going to get to see “The Devil”. Beardy mentions doing cocaine with “The Devil”, as well as LSD. Beardy laughs and swigs from the mostly empty bottle, saying they’re going to “talk to The Devil”. Okay, pick something, dude.

“HEY SATAN!” Beardy yells and now the shot establishes how high up the hill the Satanic chapel is from where the bikers landed at the bottom of the hill. So yeah, anyway, Helen is really unhappy as she stares at the… fuck, now I have to actually google something. Okay, so IMDb isn’t helpful but it was enough to determine that the what is probably an octagonal building used for the Satanic chapel is quite possibly located in Brawley, CA (I am leaning this was because there is an octagonal post office there, though it has a different roof and the doorways are shaped differently) or Alpine, CA. Either way, this movie was filmed in parts of California I have never been to before, so I learned some shit. Seriously, though, California is so huge, I forget sometimes just how much there is. (Yes, Texas is bigger, but still.)

BACK TO THE MOVIE. Beardy has announced their presence to “Satan” and Helen is still really unhappy about this. Maybe it has to do with the Tarot “reading” she received. Anyway, Tarot (these names really needed to be work-shopped) is also looking real not thrilled at the prospect of drinking and dropping acid with “Satan”. The cluster of bikers moves on towards the church, though you can hardly call it walking. Some are walking, but others are pushing and shoving and horsing around. Some fall down.

And we cut to a shot of some robed figures walking in a single file line through the brush. Apparently they are approaching the bikers, whom have all laid down on the grass now and we’re either having nap time or a pseudo orgy. Well, no, I was wrong, that’s just Beardy and Helen having fun. Everyone else appears to have passed out for a mid-morning nap. [Wing: They passed out from round one of the orgy. Again, this movie is unexpectedly homoerotic so much of the time.]

The monks approach in silence, each carrying some sort of object. Beardy finally notices them as they begin to diverge along the path ways. Suddenly the rest of the biker gang is alert and also watching. Man, I can’t even begin to imagine the on set direction for this film. “You’re passed out, yeah? And then you WAKE UP even though there’s no noise or anything that draws your attention!”

[Wing: It would make SO MUCH MORE SENSE if they were the werewolves.]

By the look of the objects the monks are carrying, this must be to set up a Black Mass? Wouldn’t you technically want to hold that inside the church? There’s a weird edit of Beardy’s face and a monk standing outside the church, which makes no fucking sense, before we get some recycled footage of the monks. My head, it hurts.

The monks have surrounded the bikers and begin to offer their wares. One thrusts silver chalices at the bikers, the other I’m going to say bread even though it looks like a cheese wheel. The editing is so bad on this film that you hear the bikers begin to talk amongst themselves before it abruptly stops and we see Beardy standing in front of the bread-offering monk. He takes the loaf, bites into it, then casually tosses it on the ground where the rest of the bikers are laying.

We see a polite free-for-all, with Beardy grabbing another loaf and tearing it apart before taking a bite out of the middle. Others grab the silver chalices. Oh, this is a Satanic communion ceremony? Am I reading too much into this scene? Probably. [Wing: Nope, this is 100% a Satanic communion ceremony, at least for the purposes of this Satanic cult.]

Suddenly everyone has a silver chalice full of wine and a piece of bread. They’re lounging on the grass like Romans, gnawing away and getting drunk. “All we need is some dancing girls here!” One of the bikers suggests. Yeah, again, I seriously wish I could hear the on-set direction the director gave these guys.

Beardy feeds a piece of wine-dipped bread to Helen. Probably a bad idea. They start making out. Tarot accepts a chalice of wine. A monk steps over to Beardy and Helen, before pointing at Beardy (I do love that he points two fingers, ala Captain America.) “I AM CALLED ONE,” he intones as we get a too close up shot of his mouth. He says he speaks for the others who must remain silent. Okay, so a vow of silence for Satan. Got it.

The bikers seem… only slightly interested in this speaking monk. More weird editing, before the speaking monk seems to pluck a hair from a head and hold it stretched between his fingers. I’m not sure if he plucked it from Beardy or Helen; my gut says the latter. [Wing: Helen.] Apparently a single strand shall suffice to represent the many. He pushes it into a hole under his pentacle badge.

Continuing on, he says something about blessing the strong and fierce, which is something the drunken bikers do not remotely look at this moment. That’s because they’re all commencing to pass out from the wine and bread. OOPS! YOU WERE DRUGGED BY SATANIC MONKS! Nighty-night! [Wing: They even sleep in a pile like puppies, this motorcycle gang is so fucking cuddly.]

“Shadows are the sails of night, soon they will come to hide the light,” the monk speaks. OH BOY, THAT WAS DEEP.

We’re now in the bottom of a room that has an circular iron staircase along the round wall. There is a monk carrying a cat to the bottom of the room. THAT CAT BETTER FUCKING LIVE. Now it’s another room with a fire pit and what is probably an altar? God, this copy I’m watching is so blurry it’s hard to tell. I’m gonna say this is the priest and not a monk, because he’s carrying the cat and petting it like a Bond villain, while talking aloud to Satan. He says this: “I pound with what my evil eye has gleaned.” And that’s a visual mental image I did not need.

“Your children are here, they’ve eaten your bread and drunk your wine. Already they’ve spoken of you as divine.” He says while making the sign of the cross. Which I’m guessing is meant to be upside down? It’s all really weird and I know, that means nothing when the whole movie is really fucking weird.

[Wing: This is weird in a very different way. It’s like we had this weird violent and homoerotic biker gang play time that was entertaining at least and now Weirdly Dramatic™ religious scenes with really poorly done rhymes.]

To recap: biker gang causes chaos, stops for a drink and a bit of plot foreshadowing in the form of a Tarot reading, drives to some weird Satanic church atop a hill, is drugged by the bread and wine offered by Satanic monks, and Satanic priest has a cute black kitty cat.

The “One”, aka the priest, keeps droning on praising Satan and we get a look at the… is it really a chapel? Or a multi-purpose room? I mean, the altar and the fire pit, the banners hanging on the walls, the dirt floor… It could get called a bunch of different things. Clearly the set decor budget was non-existent.

Just to speed this up, the priest is offering Satan “youth and fresh, fresh blood!”

Uh oh. They just did a close up of the cat’s face. This isn’t good. The priest announces they must begin in blood. FUCK. He picks up a ceremonial knife and screams that he performs this act of “wanton cruelty” in Satan’s name before stabbing the cat. We only see it in shadow – the cat screams off-screen. BUT THIS A MAJOR FAIL. ALL THE DOGGOS SURVIVED BUT THE LONE BLACK CAT GETS OFFED. DAMN IT.

[Wing: This is fucked up. My cult priest guy, I want to stab you in the face in some wanton cruelty.]

Anyway, after that fucking shit, the priest drones on and via shadow puppets on the wall, he pours the cat’s blood into a silver chalice, before tossing the body into the flames. He then writes Satan’s “unholy name” thrice in blood on a convenient piece of paper. This is so that all summoned will do Satan’s will. Sure. Why not. He then throws the paper into the fire.

Now, with a staff of “freshly cut hazel wood” [citation needed] he draws a circle three feet out around the altar to protect himself. Sure, it makes sense in some applications, but you’re working for Satan? Why would you worry about evil spirits?? OH and he leaves an opening for “the Bride of Satan!” Could… could that be Helen??

FWIW, hazel wood isn’t exactly a tree – more a bush that can grow 20′ – and is associated with a lot of mystical and magical things in Britain and Ireland. Hazel wood is also considered the “tree of knowledge” in Norse mythology. So, kudos to the person who bothered to do the bare minimum of research and selected hazel wood for this film.

This damn ceremony keeps going and now I am making interpretive dance jokes to myself while watching the One priest vogue his way through pseudo vogue dance moves. Yeah, no wonder the trivia states this was LARGELY IMPROVISED. HAIL SATIN INDEED! [Wing: He looks like he’s directing a marching band at times. I laughed. Though to be fair, appropriately Weirdly Dramatic™ for a conductor. He’s also naming — devils? — from different directions.]

A bunch of the monks enter while this is going on and then there’s weird babbling speech (speaking in tongues?) while they circle round the altar. There’s the sounds of metal scraping stone and I’m not sure if they have chains or are dragging swords. MY KINGDOM FOR BETTER PICTURE QUALITY.

[Wing: I don’t think they have either, I think some sort of bells are hanging off of their robes or the sacraments they carry or possibly just ringing in the background.]

Ah, finally, OUTDOOR ESTABLISHING SHOT: THE FULL MOON.

Beardy, Helen, Tarot, and the rest of the gang are still passed out in drug-induced naps out in the courtyard. Back in the chapel slash multi-purpose room, the One is chanting in a higher and higher voice about having power to avenge wrongs in Satan’s name. Apparently this is enough to wake Helen, who sits up first amongst the sleeping bikers. She doesn’t stop to check on Beardy or show any concern about the gang. She just gets up and starts walking towards the chapel.

The One, holding what I’m going to assume is a carved statue of a naked woman (I honestly thought it was a frog with its legs stuck straight out at first glance and that was far more hilarious), intones “BEHOLD THE BRIDE OF SATAN!” so someone pin a rose on my nose for calling it.

Suddenly, Helen is in a white lace dress with a crown of white flowers on her head, running slow motion through the dark. The One has a giant golden chalice which he apparently drinks from (again with the stupid shadow puppets) and then breaks a loaf of bread and dumps a hunk of it into the cup. Oh, it’s fake blood again. Right. He intones in what can’t possibly be real Latin, then there’s a burst of flame and a rush of smoke and HERE’S HELEN! [Wing: Back in her original biker outfit? I think.]

Again, the One dips bread into the fake blood in the gold chalice as Helen falls to her knees. She’s sans wedding dress now, so I’m guessing that was just a metaphorical bit of imagery before. [Wing: Oh, yes, I was right, good.] Taking a big bite of the “blood” soaked bread, she immediately goes on some sort of Satanic communion acid trip. And now she’s naked and dancing with a snake. Sure, why not. That one monk is really shaking that incense censor with the beat!

I gotta ask, is this how you get werewolves? BECAUSE IT SEEMS A LOT MORE COMPLICATED AND A LOT LESS BELIEVABLE THAN A YETI BITE. [Wing: I can’t believe we’re at the point where the Yeti bit werewolfism is the more realistic origin, but here we are.] [bat: Makes me wonder what I’ll find in future recaps that makes the Yeti bite seem totally believable.]

Suddenly, Beardy comes to, having heard a woman’s screams. He doesn’t seem all too concerned at first; maybe he’s groggy from the drugs. And with that we hit a grand total of 27 minutes into this film and fuck all has happened. WHERE ARE THE WEREWOLVES.

[Wing: WHEREWOLVES.] [bat: THEREWOLVES.]

Finally, another round of screaming draws Beardy’s attention. Now it sounds like chanting and singing. Monks are throwing a rockin’ party! Better wake the gang up, Beardy, and get up there! Oh, of course, he goes right for Tarot. Because, answers… or something. I can’t tell, has Beardy even noticed Helen missing?

OH SHIT HE HAS! “They got my old lady!” Cue insert shot of Helen wildly “dancing” in the firelight.  [Wing: With both the skull and the snake. At least she’s no longer dangling the snake and terrifying the poor thing.] This keeps on in this fashion, Beardy waking members of the gang while Helen continues, uh, “dancing”. Finally, Beardy and company run off to storm the church, or something. It’s difficult for me to determine but it appears the One is controlling Helen via that weird statue thing I thought was a frog. On closer inspection… unless frogs have giant boobs… lord.

The anti-heroes are running up the steps while the One mixes some kind of ingredients into a skull? I swear to god, this copy is so bad it’s difficult to ascertain what the fuck I am looking at.

SUDDENLY, BEARDY AND GANG HAVE ARRIVED! THERE IS A POOF OF SMOKE AND THEY DUCK… FOR SOME REASON… The One is still mixing his potion or something, I saw him stick the hazel wood stick in it. AND A FIGHT ENSUES.

[Wing: There’s blood in the potion, though I’m not sure what else, and he paints it on the statue’s stomach. Right over the reproductive organs, I assume.]

Beardy and company begin to punch and beat up the monks. I guess maybe Beardy noticed Helen is stark naked and “dancing” with a snake? It should be noted the monks are not into fighting back and the One keeps pressing his palm onto the faces of Beardy and company, leaving a bloody handprint. Uh oh. Not a good sign.

Three of the… five? (I can’t tell) have been marked as Beardy keeps punching monks to the floor. Suddenly, Helen begins to scream as… well, I guess that statue thing was a wax effigy? Because it just fucking melted into the flames. Uh oh, again.

Annnnnd now Beardy and company are carrying Helen out of the church as the camera moves into the flames. You know, we have watched some really strange fucking movies for Snark at the Moon! but this is by far one of the worst visually. And not just because the copy I’m watching is so poor in quality. [Wing: The Tubi version is much better (I actually watched the poor version bat did and then rewatched the Tubi version while commenting, that is how dedicated I am to you, dear readers), and yet this is still fucking weird visually, and not always in an entertaining way. The concept of each scene is (almost always) entertaining, but the actual presentation of it is not.] [bat: Well, that’s decided dedication to a recap. I salute you, Wing.]

We are given an overhead shot of all the monks unconscious on the floor. Dead? Sleeping? Does it matter? That fucking blood circle didn’t protect shit. Guess it didn’t apply to angry bikers, just vengeful spirits.

Back in the courtyard, the last of the sleeping bikers are rudely awakened by the rest, who have returned with Helen. They’ve decided it’s time to go. So much for Satanic hospitality. Everyone runs towards their bikes. It is way too fucking dark to see shit but the music score kicks ass. HOW AM I ONLY THIRTY MINUTES INTO THIS FUCKING FILM?? WITH ALMOST AN HOUR LEFT TO WATCH???

So, bikes start up, no issue, and now we’re riding away from the Satanic church. Man, those headlights don’t really illuminate shit. Considering they’re riding along a dirt road in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night, how does anyone see anything? Also, is Helen suddenly wearing clothing and conscious as she’s apparently on the back of Beardy’s bike? [Wing: Yes and yes. Why? Who even knows right now.] I HAVE TOO MANY QUESTIONS FOR A MOVIE THIS LOW IN QUALITY.

Suddenly, we’re out of the… Satanic area and back on the main road? And it’s daylight? And that modified chopped up hot rod is waiting for them? CONFUSION. “What a scary place!” Someone yells and that someone is not me. Someone from the hot rod begins to pass out what I’m going to assume is liquor. Helen dismounts from Beardy’s bike and seems… normal?

“We’re gonna go to the desert and get our heads straight.” Um. What does it say about me that this is immediately where my mind went?

AND WE’RE OFF TO THE FUCKING DESERT. (My god, the editing in this “film” is so painful.)

And now it’s just footage of the bikers just… riding into the desert. Are we going back the way we originally came? Are we already in the desert? Are they stopping anywhere for dessert? My god, this reminds me of Rock’N’Roll Nightmare and its never ending opening travel sequence. [Wing: Why in the world is so much time spent traveling in these movies? There’s plenty of story to tell! The opening travel here at least established some characterization, this just draaaaaags.

On the other hand, at least the visuals are, you know, bright enough to see during this part.]

Helen is acting pretty normal for, y’know, being enchanted or possessed or whatever.

Beardy eventually gives a hand sign, the song playing over the scene ends, and we can see the sun setting behind the desert hills. FOOTAGE NOT SHOWN of the bikers setting up camp, but here we are, camping in the desert, everyone gathered round a large fire. Someone actually says “All for one, and one for all” and I guess that is a code bikers might live by.

[Wing: Look at all the brothers, just like the stars in the sky. These poetic motherfuckers.]

Bikers are drinking and getting stoned and seemingly no one is fucking talking about what just went down with the Satanic monks. Weird. Do they think it was a hallucination? Or is it a ‘we’re just not going to ever mention it again!’ type of thing? Look, at least three if not five of them were slapped in the face by the One with that blood-based spell concoction. SOMETHING IS GOING TO COME OF THAT.

I’m not sure who are hugging; I know one is Mouse but the other… is it Beardy? It’s a moment of brotherly love that’s sure to end real fucking badly in a while, what with there being fifty more minutes of run time to go.

Oh shit, Helen is interpretive dancing again to music only in her head. Has no one noticed? Too stoned? [Wing: Helen’s dancing made me laugh out loud, she’s so jerky and dramatic over it. I love her.] Suddenly, she sees the wax figure of the naked woman (not a frog) in the flames of the fire and begins to scream her tits off. She runs away from the fire, still screaming, with Beardy giving chase. Huh. Man I have so many questions right about now. No one else makes a damn move, though someone happens to ask, “What’s the matter with her?”

SO NO ONE FUCKING REMEMBERS THE SATANIC CHAPEL INCIDENT?

I spoke too soon. “We should have burned that place to the ground!” OH SO SOMEONE DOES REMEMBER! Firstly, you’re all excited to party with Satan, then you accept his bread and blood wine, then you rudely pass out, then your leader’s woman gets taken and used to unleash some sort of curse, then you come to and attack the nice Satanic monks who fed you, then you run away, then you wish you had burned the place to the ground.

Apparently it was Tarot who said this, as one of the others accuses him of being afraid the monks will, quote, “get your ass too.” Apparently they were ‘pretty horny monks’. Um, this was determined, how? And now we have devolved into how easy it is to be a monk. What the actual fuck, movie? WHERE ARE THE GODDAMN WEREWOLVES WE WERE PROMISED?

According to… maybe it’s Beardy? I can’t tell? … all you have to do is chase some pretty little bride of Satan girl around the altar. Uh huh. There is admission that someone remembers nothing because they were so drunk. Now we’re going to pretend to be a monk and chase a broad around the fire. Lord save me. We have a very willing volunteer in one of the women who travels in the chopped hot rod truck.

The biker who is apparently not Beardy (? or maybe is?) starts singing a sing-song chant while Shirley dances in place in front of him. This is odd. Not as strange or odd as other things we have recapped but just odd. We’re running around the fire now and the camera has not moved from its stationary position so half the acting is off-screen. FILM MAKING FOR THE WIN.

I am too lazy to go back and see if this was one of the bikers marked with the blood by the One, but I’m gonna go with my hunch that it is. Now the rest of the bikers are up and dancing around and fake chanting, and I feel like there was some encouragement to chase Shirley but again, the audio is shit and captions aren’t a thing.

[Wing: Chase me Satan I’ve got the feeling. Oobla-doobla. Your Mouse gonna get your cheese. Don’t rape me, Satan. Slow down, and I’ll rape you. Why don’t you rape me? Slow down, I’m running out of gas. And so on and so forth. You have missed NOTHING.] [bat: You went above and beyond to cover that, Wing. I feel like I’m slacking here. But also, what the actual fuck, I am glad I could not understand that now.]

Oh, OH! It is Mouse who started this nonsense! He’s chasing Shirley, who is stripping off clothing, and telling her this Mouse is gonna get her cheese. Okay. No, never mind, she’s still clothed as she and Mouse are now making out at the bottom of sand dune.

Honestly, it feels like this was a great concept on paper for a film but the execution was a disaster. Wing and I could totally make something far more interesting about a biker gang falling under the curse of Satanic monks.

Okay now I am entirely unsure if that was Shirley and Mouse. [Wing: Helen and Beardy! Guess all her screaming was a turn on.] Because the woman got real weird suddenly and started looking up at the sky, expectantly. Was it Helen and Beardy, then? Back at the fire, there’s a sudden explosion of smoke and everyone stops chanting and stands around looking awkwardly. I guess that’s “acting”.

Oh. OH! OH!! I feel like that gif of DiCaprio, pointing at the TV! SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED!!

Whomever the making out couple are – my money is now on Helen and Beardy – the woman just leaned down and bit him in the neck. SHIT IS STARTING TO HAPPEN, WING. I’m suddenly fascinated by the concept of how this is supposed to work. Like Eve handing Adam the apple, Helen is the conduit from which Satanic werewolves will be made.

Yep, it is Helen and Beardy! Because now we switch over to Mouse still chasing Shirley, through the dunes. Mouse tackles her to the ground and Shirley laughingly cries out “Why don’t you rape me, Satan!” Ugh. I could have done without that. [Wing: Welp, so glad that part came through for you.]

We’re given more shadow puppet theater but it’s not a giant spider on the rock walls. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be, honestly. OH NEVER MIND, IT’S WEREWOLVES! WEREWOLVES SPRINGING INTO EXISTENCE! They slash Mouse and Shirley, who managed to scream, but both fall over spattered in their own blood. I’m going with the theory that the werewolves slashed their throats. I don’t know how else to explain this really bad editing.

Wow, our first casualties! I thought we’d never get there! [Wing: And yet we still see almost nothing! But finally: WEREWOLVES!]

ESTABLISHING SHOT: MORNING IN THE DESERT.

We see the bikes and truck still parked as someone stumbles to his feet, rudely awakened. I’m going to guess it’s Tarot. I don’t know why. He stumbles past the bikes and out of frame. We’re shown what I’m going to say are “buzzards” circling in the sky. Then we hear “Oh no!” and are shown the bloodied bodies of Mouse and Shirley, as one of the bikers discovers them and immediately pukes. Someone calls for Adam, saying something has happened. We see a bunch more of the bikers appear as the biker who discovered the bodies continues to scream for Adam.

Is Adam actually Beardy’s name?? I’m still calling him Beardy. [Wing: Adam and Helen-Eve?]

Some of the bikers brave the rocky loose soil to go down into the canyon-like space and view the carnage. Beardy looks up at Helen, who seems not particularly upset? “Guess all we can do is bury them,” Beardy seems resigned. Odd. He then begins to throw dirt on them but the wind is blowing into the camera. Also, that’s a lot of close up shots of random bikers’ reactions to this discovery. NO ONE SEEMS SHOCKED EXCEPT THE DUDE WHO PUKED.

I’d like to point out that Helen is wearing a fur coat that looks like a shaggy wolf pelt. It’s that subtle subconscious messaging that I really love. Whether it was intentional or not, who knows. I’m choosing to believe it was.

Welp, they’re buried and the grave is marked, that was fucking fast. Beardy attempts to save some words over the grave – something about not kissing Mouse’s ass because he bit it chasing his mama – and the agreement all round is Mouse was a total asshole and very mean. I’m confused. so confused.

Oh, and someone adds that Shirley was a “great freak”. Nice. Ugh. Everyone takes a big swing from their beer cans – where did those come from? – before they toss the cans on the ground. GREAT. OUTLAW LITTER BUGS.

Some time later… the survivors are wandering through the desert, trying to understand what happened. Beardy states that Mouse was drunk and didn’t see the wash they fell into, probably broke his neck, and what’s the explanation for all the blood? COYOTES. THAT’S RIGHT. COYOTES.

I realize there was no budget for special effects makeup and making the corpses look slashed up probably didn’t factor into the script, but c’mon. Oh, and now Mouse and Shirley were so damn stoned they never knew what hit them. C’MON. [Wing: Based on their chase scene, stoned and drunk enough to miss everything seems likely, to be honest.]

Tarot becomes the unlikely voice of reason, saying no one wants to see reality and their deaths were no accident. “Somebody’s controlling the vibes!” You don’t say, as a shot of a “buzzard” circling overhead is shown. [Wing: Controlling the Vibes™] [bat: That’s it, that’s the trope.]

BACK TO RIDING OUR BIKES THROUGH THE DESERT. More of that same song, too. I guess they needed to get their money’s worth out of it. No one seems to suspect Helen. Adam/Beardy motions and they all pull into what looks like a possibly abandoned gasoline station. I mean, really, it looks super old in 1971. The gasoline pumps are the glass topped ones – which I know about because I have had to sit through countless hours of viewing American Pickers because my dad was watching – and if they weren’t destroyed I’m sure someone snapped them up because they’re rare as fuck now.

Helen dismounts as Tarot pulls in behind Beardy, the rest of the gang slow to catch up and park. Apparently they really have come to fuel their bikes but the pumps are dry. HELLO. IT IS THE ABANDONED DESERT. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT.

Oh, my bad, some old dude pops out of the station’s building and asks if they want gas. Apparently there is a particular way to pump the gas and the dude asking doesn’t know how it works, so it’s up to the bikers to figure it out. What. I am so confused, again. [Wing: Who. What. Why. How. I don’t understand anything about this scene. The point? There is none.] Mr Burke is nonplussed by the bikers and tells him he’s met their kind all his life. Beardy just laughs. Burke says city boys don’t know how to work anything. Well, I sure as fuck wouldn’t know how to work those pumps, and I live in the ‘burbs.

Ohhhh they literally have to pump the pumps to get the gasoline out. Interesting. It seems to fill the glass containers at the top, like an oil well. Look, I’ve only seen these broken not actually working, so I’m kind of fascinated. But I have no idea what this has to do with werewolves and bikers. [Wing: The bikers, werewolf and not, seem like they’re getting a kick out of it, so I guess there’s that.] Oh, Burke yells at them that they have pumped out too much and they can’t afford it, so they shouldn’t have pumped it. Whatever.

This is devolving into a “we put a camera on this scene and let it just be improvised” type of deal.

[Wing: Per a review at Severed Cinema, that’s exactly what happened:

Off they go again, stopping on their way to nowhere to steal gas from the lone outpost in the desert, run by a weird guy in a hat. After listening to the commentary track by the two writers, this guy wasn’t even an actor, he was a real guy manning the desolate gas station, and they chanced upon him, asked him to say a few lines, which he also added loads of ad-libs and actions which you can see genuinely has the actors laughing. In fact, the camera blurs and shakes sometimes, apparently, the camera crew couldn’t stop laughing either.

I. Am. Delighted. It was pointless, but: still delighted.] [bat: True gonzo cinema we’re watching here, readers.]

Burke is yelling at the bikers, telling them they’re in the desert and are they lost? One asks directions back to the highway. Everyone’s laughing and again, there is absolutely no acting happening. Burke demands they don’t start their bikes because it will burn down his shack. Well, Beardy does anyway and we can see Burke yelling but there’s no audio except the roar of motorcycle engines. The bikers begin to ride away from the gas station.

I realize that remaking this movie for the now would be pointless; it is a film of its time and any attempt to modernize it or remake it set in the 70s, it wouldn’t work. [Wing: But imagine all the things we could do with it!]

Well, we’re back on the road with half an hour of run time to go. Ugh. WE STILL HAVEN’T SEEN WEREWOLVES. SHADOWS DON’T COUNT. Another short scene and now Beardy is driving up onto another sand hill, the other bikers following. By the amount of decaying wood and other crap, it looks like there was once some civilization here? A building perhaps or maybe a mine? Oh, now we’re shown the rusting hulks of car bodies baking in the desert heat under the endless sun. Okay, something was here at some time. And now it’s a dumping ground.

Helen complains this place is weird and hot. (Um.) She and Beardy are sitting inside a car, talking. I think that says Fairlane on the side, I’m not sure. Beardy has decided they’ll use the remnants of whatever is left to burn for heat. Helen suggests they sleep in the burnt out hulks of the cars. Neither sounds like a particularly great option.

Oh, they’re going to burn all the cars, according to Beardy. ….what? Why?

Oh god. The rest of the gang is goofing off, pretending some rusting hunk of metal is a video camera while, I am not making this up, “SPEED PILL” pretends to be a used car salesman making a commercial. One of the other bikers pretends he’s a dog and lifts his leg to pee on the windshield. Speed Pill announces that he keeps Puke, his “dog” drugged to keep him well behaved. Thankfully it’s all imaginary. [Wing: I’m telling you, these weirdos were basically wannabe canines long before the whole monks making werewolves thing happened.]

I think Tarot has the pretend camera, because now he’s advancing on the car where Beardy and Helen are sitting. Everyone is laughing and now several are walking on top of the car, rocking it, as Beardy and Helen laugh, too. Now they’ve decided to tip the car over and do so, the car landing on its roof with Beardy and Helen inside. Beardy is mad, accusing them of trying to kill him and Helen, as he attempts to climb out.

This… this feels more like a shitty college “art film” at this point. Ugh.

Puke crawls on hands and knees, “barking”, as he takes a hold of Beardy’s jacket in his teeth and pulls. Beardy yells and gets dragged. And I can’t help but feel this is more of pointless foreshadowing for fun and profit. The dog act isn’t really a dog act, or won’t be, soon enough. Beardy chases Puke before they begin to wrestle in the dirt, Puke still barking. Others begin to bark and start crawling on all fours in the sand and rocks. Um. Now everyone is barking and howling. Uh.

Helen, having only half crawled free of the overturned car, smiles at the sight of Beardy and his gang acting like a wolf pack. It doesn’t seem that Helen is subconsciously aware of her part in this but… look, this movie isn’t remotely deep or self-conscious but that would be a really fucking wild twist, wouldn’t it.

I have to say, showing the bikers acting “dog-like” with the barking and yapping and crawling in the dirt on all fours is kind of a neat way to signify a change. I mean they have literally dog piled Beardy and are licking his face. [Wing: Except they were already doing this sort of thing! Biting and growling and tugging on clothes and sleeping in piles and climbing all over each other. These wonderful weirdos.]

We move to a silent show of the automobile graveyard, where Beady wanders alone along the top of the dirt ridge, smoking. He comes upon a biker sitting in a meditative pose then we see a shot of a hawk circling. Okay, maybe it is a vulture. Everything is too blurry for me to truly make out what I’m seeing. I’m guessing the meditative one is Tarot. He yells for a beer as Beardy sits down beside him in the dirt.

Beardy suggests that he and Tarot go down to “Coconut Grove, Florida” to see some dude name Arthur. For whatever fucking reason; Beardy doesn’t elaborate. Tarot, arms outstretched and eyes closed, tells Adam/Beardy he loves him but he can no longer ride with the gang, that something is wrong. This means that yes, Tarot slept through the storming of the Satanic chapel and subsequent rescue of Helen, and thus was spared the curse laid upon the gang by the monks. Hm. Tarot will likely remain the “unlikely voice of reason” until he escapes or dies. Place your bets now.

[Wing: Have we mentioned how oddly Beardy pronounces Tarot? It’s like — taahroh or something.] [bat: I think it’s one of those things were you have to hear it with your own ears to understand how fucking weird it sounds.]

Beardy ignores this, saying something about Twentynine Palms Drive – which I know to be in California but a simple Google result states there is a 29 Palms in Orlando now. I’m guessing Beardy is referring to the Californian one though he improperly segueway’d it. Whether that’s a cigarette or a joint Beardy lit up, he attempts to share it with Tarot, who does not engage. Hm. Dissension in the ranks. Tarot repeats that they’re in trouble and must get out of here before it’s too late. Beardy again dismisses it and says Tarot needs to stop reading Tarot cards. Tarot reminds Beardy that his mother taught him to read the cards. Is that important?

Beardy just laughs, crawls on his knees, and kneels before Tarot. Now, he grabs Tarot’s face and I am assuming attempts to blow smoke into Tarot’s mouth but damn if this scene doesn’t have some real wild undertones that would read very differently by today’s lens. [Wing: He shotguns him! And it’s just as homoerotic as you’d think. Also, Tarot is kind of presented as Native without ever saying it outright. I’m glad they didn’t lean into it more.] Tarot just says that it isn’t the same and asks why Adam/Beardy won’t relate, is he afraid of what Tarot is telling him? Beardy just slags on Tarot for being a sage and that he’s freaking everybody out. And this is where I learn the copy I’m watching came from a television broadcast because the swear words are bleeped. Hilarious.

Tarot reiterates that he loves the gang and he’s only telling them the truth. Beardy argues that it’s all hogwash. God and the Devil are hogwash as well. Yeah, this won’t bite you in the ass at all, Beardy. Tarot begs Beardy to listen before it’s too late, then we get a real weird flashback of Tarot kneeling as a Satanic monk offers him blood-soaked bread. Beardy sees Tarot tense up and asks if he’s all right, while Tarot continues to flashback or maybe this is a vision? Yeah, a vision would make sense right about now. Why not.

Tarot “sees” a woman in a white bridal gown and the priest with the golden chalice. Beardy, freaked out, grabs Tarot and rolls them both down the dirt hill, screaming about teddy bears rolling down a mountain. [Wing: And we get to my opener: What the homoerotic bears rolling down mountains just like in Florida did I watch?!]

At that moment, Helen arrives with beer. Tarot is unhappy about Beardy interrupting his vision quest, and Beardy gets up and takes a beer from Helen, who looks confused.

SMASH CUT to the group lighting torches and throwing them into the old cars. Yeah. This will go well. Some throw bottles of gas and suddenly the fire catches and explodes. Someone yells for more gasoline. They’re all excited by FIRE but someone points out that when the gas tank catches and explodes they all better run. I’m not sure there’s actually any gas in these rusted out cars but whatever.

It’s later and everyone’s kind of sitting in the dirt well away from the massive fire. Tarot announces he’s going to crash. Someone offers him an upper. Tarot leans over and looks at Beardy and Helen and announces everybody’s gonna crash. More random shots of the fire, complete with zooming in on the flames, follows this pronouncement. We are shown all the bikers asleep on the sandy ground. Beardy complains and says they should pee in all their ears to teach them not to crash on a run. That brings a whole new meaning to a Wet Willie. [Wing: He also says he’s never seen anything so far out in his life. I suppose sleeping dudes is much, much stranger than, you know, melting wax statues, Satanic rituals, and, you know, all the puppy pet play.]

Beardy complains but then starts laughing. Helen asks what’s funny? Beardy doesn’t answer but suddenly doesn’t want to wake the gang, saying they need their rest for the long day tomorrow. Huh? He leads Helen away into the darkness. She asks if Beardy gets afraid. He states there’s nothing to be afraid of. Especially not of dying, because everyone’s gonna do it. “Some of my best friends are dead!” Okay, this is just a wild non-existent script.

Helen asks what Beardy sees in the fire. Beardy replies old burning cars and nothing else he can call by name. Helen says that’s what she’s afraid of. Beardy bitches that she’s still believing in that “magic” crap. Dude. You’re the one who took everyone to a damn Satanic chapel and screamed about partying with the Devil. Helen reminds Beardy that Mouse and Shirley are dead and she is getting strange thoughts and she sees things in the fire. But again, no clarification. We’re given a shot of the near-full moon instead.

Set that death count down clock, will ya?

Beardy awakens… somebody. I can’t tell who because this copy is shit. He announces it’s time for the other dude to take over the watch, since who knows when a Satanic monk will show up and get them. Oh! It must be Tarot. Tarot demands Beardy get off his back but Beardy counters that Tarot “put us on this bummer”. Beardy demands Tarot get over by the fire and protect them from the evil he has laid on the gang. Um. (I totally just went and got some popcorn to what what will surely be a hilarious death or two in the next few minutes, yes?) [Wing: Dude, Beardy, do you believe or not? Because one minute you’re furious because someone believes and the next your furious as if you believe.]

MORE SHOTS OF FIRE FOR WING. [Wing: Needs More Werewolves, but I sure am getting lots of fire!]

Over in the truck thing, we can see movement and hear a terrible pounding sound. Well, I guess it doesn’t take a genius to figure out if the van truck is a rockin’, don’t come a’knockin’. There’s a bunch of female-sounding giggles before the doors open wide and a biker stumbles out. He’s got bushy black hair and beard, but who the hell he is is anyone’s guess. I really don’t think it’s Tarot. Maybe I’m wrong. Whatever. He announces it’s 3 o’clock and all is well, as he walks towards the still-burning fire. OH, it isn’t Tarot. This dude wanders up to Tarot and says it’s a little bit quiet. Tarot admonishes the other dude that it isn’t his turn for the watch yet. In a terrible John Wayne voice, he tells Tarot that when he gets “too much sex” he can’t sleep and tells Tarot he should work it off and feel better. I am paraphrasing at best. [Wing: This version has captioning, and I learned that this Too Much Sex Biker calls Tarot “chief,” so there goes them not leaning into the whole Native but not thing. I looked into the actor, Gene Shane, a bit because the whole thing reminded me a little of the visuals they did with Billy Wirth in the Lost Boys, with the impression of Native without actually including anything in the story.]

None of these dudes can pronounce Tarot correctly. That’s annoying. Bushy Beard gets serious and tells Tarot he wants to know what Tarot knows. He says Tarots the one with all the brains. (That’s… saying something…) Everyone else just does what Beardy says to do. Apparently Bushy Beard says they should make Tarot next president. Tarot doesn’t like this talk. Bushy Beard tells Tarot not to get mad, that he just wants to know what Tarot knows.

“What I know, I don’t think you could live with.” WELL IF THAT ISN’T DARK AND OMINOUS.

RANDOM EXTREME CLOSE UP OF THE FLAMES!

Bushy Beard is now holding the big stick that Tarot had, and is dancing in front of the flames. I have to say, he is dressed quite colourfully for a biker. Plaid shirt, red scarf, suspenders; he looks more like a French clown than a biker to me.

A falling star zooms past overhead in the star-filled night.

MORE FLAME INTENSITY!

Bushy Beard continues to dance in place, working it in front of the flames. Another star falls. THE SCORE GROWS IN INTENSITY. The stars go dark and the sky is black. We see a hairy (?) face appear. Bushy Beard keeps dancin’. A woman appears and opens her mouth as if to bite. A huge hairy paw appears, nails wide, and grabs Bushy Beard from behind across the face. Blood spatters. There’s human-sounding growls. Something huge and shaggy appears from the darkness and tosses a body onto the fire with a sickening thud. (Okay, this is kind of awesome, I will give props when they are due and this ain’t half bad.) Bushy Beard’s corpse burns and a bunch of ashes and sparks morphs into a shot of a massive flock of birds flying. (OKAY ALSO PROPS FOR EXCELLENT TRANSITION EDITING WITH THAT ONE!) [Wing: Shockingly good, and a decent use of the birds.]

It’s morning. The fire is out. Everything is silent except the wind. One of the bikers crawls out of the back of the truck and complains they’re out of beers, he has the last one. He wonders how the hell they ran out. Blond Beard demands some beer. He tries to steal it, before sipping it. He says anyone holding onto a beer can that tightly is hoarding more. Tarot appears. He asks Beer Dude if he wasn’t supposed to be on guard duty. Beardy appears with part of a six pack, calling Beer Dude a liar. Beer Dude complains that no one woke him up to take his shift. I WONDER WHY.

Beardy shows up and Blond Beard complains that Beer Dude is hoarding beer. Tarot tells Beardy that Beer Dude failed his guard duty shift and was hanging out with the women. Beardy asks if it’s true. Beer Dude repeats that nobody woke him up, is he supposed to have an alarm clock in his head? Beardy asks who was supposed to wake Beer Dude up. Beer Dude names Bushy Beard. Beardy asks where Bushy Beard is. Beardy beats on the doors to the truck, calling for Bushy Beard. No one seems to know where he is. (I DO! I DO!)

Oh, apparently Bushy Beard is named Movie, because of all the terrible impersonations. Got it. Beardy calls for everyone, asking where Movie is. Again, no one knows. Everyone begins to yell out of Movie. This is accompanied by slow pans across the desert landscape. For whatever reason. Movie is not answering. Really, I don’t think he and Mouse are that big of a loss. Move on already.

Beardy yells that if Movie is hiding in the desert, he’s going to kick Movie’s ass. Uh huh.

I’m honestly confused on how many women are with this gang. [Wing: Kill one, two replace her. It’s the Medusa rule or something.] Is the truck thing really a clown car? Because there’s another one, that’s like four or five now, and this one is really yelling and searching for Movie. She’s going to find the corpse, isn’t she.

All that searching is fucking fruitless because suddenly Tarot is digging something out of the remains of the fire with a stick. He doesn’t know what the others call it but “this wasn’t no accident”. He points out that Movie wasn’t drunk or stoned and didn’t jump in the fire to “keep his feet warm”. Clearly, according to Tarot, something spiritual happened that the rest don’t want to relate to. Damn, just be so fucking heavy, why don’t you, Tarot.

Apparently, Beardy decides they have to go back and face the Satanic monks to get their heads back on straight, so “let’s do it!” Entirely missing the point but okay! Movie will not be receiving a burial ceremony, ala Mouse and Shirley. Everyone begins to move away from the ashes except Tarot. Someone tries to make him come along, because they’re gonna go kick monk asses, but Tarot resists. He says a farewell to Movie, stating he will always remember him as “one of us” then calls him a crazy, beautiful bastard.

AND WE’RE BACK ON THE ROAD TO GO KICK SOME SATANIC MONK ASSES!

I’m not sure where I thought this movie was headed but this was not it. I mean, I guess you’d go confront the ‘big bad’ but nobody knows what’s really going on. None of them are reading the circumstantial evidence the correct way. Tarot, for all he supposedly knows, can’t seem to explain it or make the rest understand. Helen is no help. Beardy dismisses everything. Yeah this is a huge recipe for disaster.

The bikers ride past the camera but the truck thing falls behind, as the wind blows hard and a cloud of dust begins to spread across the road. Everyone drives into it and suddenly disappears. As the sand and dust clear, the road is empty. What? The truck and its occupants stare at the empty tarmac, confused, just as confused as I am. [Wing: It’s All Hammer Monsters All the Time around here: werewolf designs, vampire biting, and mummy sand traps.]

Annnnd the bikers, well, three bikers and five riders, reappear on a large sand dune. Everyone is confused. Beardy says they have to figure out where the hell they are. OH THIS IS QUITE A PLOT TWIST. The rest of the bikers appear, having spread out across the massive dune. Everyone begins to reunite. There is much hugging. [Wing: SO MUCH HUGGING. And clinging to each while they roll around in the sand. This is like Top Gun levels of homoeroticism in the sand.] [bat: Minus the volleyball.] Someone asks for acid. What the hell. Tarot keeps running along the top of a dune. Now he appears to be running for his life. I think Beardy goes after Tarot but ends up rolling down a dune in a slow-motion sequence. Tarot attempts to ride the fuck out of there while the rest start rolling their bikes through the sand.

Nope, never mind, Tarot just got his bike to pavement, just like the others. Beardy wants to get to the monks tonight to kick their asses. Tarot points out they won’t get all the bikes started by then. They need firewood, as they’re gonna be spending another night in ye olde desert. Beardy accuses Tarot of wanting to stay and holding a seance. Beardy has had enough of Tarot and brings it to the rest of the bikers, saying he doesn’t think Tarot wants to fight. “We can’t win every fight with our fists.” Tarot points out.

Beardy looks at Tarot, shakes his head, then punches him. Tarot goes down. Beardy refuses to waste any more time with Tarot. (To your own detriment, buddy.) [Wing: Beardy! What happened to homoerotically rolling down mountains like bears?]

Beardy orders everyone else to mount up. There’s monk ass to kick! Bikes growl to life and everyone rides away, leaving Tarot behind, still lying on the pavement. (Is it not hilarious that they were supposedly blown into a massive sand dune yet there’s pavement that is likely a parking lot and oil drums that are spaced evenly on either side for fires? So hilarious.)

Tarot finally comes to – so fake, because he was moving a moment ago – and “sees” more of his vision. This time he gets closer to seeing who is in the white wedding dress. We see the majority of the gang riding the road through the sand dune landscape. Tarot drives off in hot pursuit. Dude, I’d say let them go to their fate.

This a lot of filler shots of the bikers riding through the dunes.

I think we’re finally back where this nightmare began! The bikes are raising a huge dust cloud as they slowly drive down a dirt road. Nope, never mind, yet again. Tarot has caught up and cuts in front of Beardy, both dismounting their bikes. Tarot jumps Beardy and knocks him into the dirt. Tarot punches Beardy, before they both go over the dirt edge of the road into some scrub trees and brush. They’re still fighting. Everyone else just kind of watches. Tarot is giving Beardy quite the ass kicking until Beardy fights back. This goes on for like nearly a full minute until Beardy puts Tarot on the ground. Others congratulate him.

MORE VULTURES CIRCLING OVERHEAD.

The rest of the gang are breaking off limbs of wood for a fire. Clearly we ain’t getting back to the Satanic chapel tonight. Wood collection goes on for quite a while. [Wing: Wood collection also involves one of the gang hanging onto thin branches while the others bodily move him around. I do. not. understand.] The sun is setting fast. We hear the howl of coyotes and/or wolves in the distance. It should be the full moon tonight, shouldn’t it? Uh oh.

FIRE SHOT FOR WING.

Tarot is coughing, laying on the ground, obviously injured from the fight. Beardy didn’t pull no punches. Everyone else is sitting round the fire, staring at Tarot, all silent. Not good. Helen sits between Tarot and Beardy. Suddenly everyone gets a “look up at the camera” shot. Some of the bikers have black marks on their faces, traces of the curse. UH OH. (Also, that’s really kind of cool visual reminder, tbh.) [Wing: It is! It’s not quite the claw marks I so love, but it’s nicely done itself.]

Beardy stands up. CAMERA ZOOMS INTO THE FLAMES. The wax figure reappears, melting in the fire. Helen, in the background, has a weird smile on her lips. Suddenly the bikers all begin to call out and walk a circle around the flames. Are they cavemen or weres?? More growling and bikers asking what’s happening. THE CHANGE IS UPON YE!

Annnnd we get our first shot of a transformed werewolf. I may be giggling. I know there was a bare bones budget and bless them for going this route and not cheesy rubber masks, but still. I’m not sure what I expected; the poster makes them look more gorilla-like, to me, but damn. [Wing: Still not the worst werewolf makeup I’ve seen.]

Tarot reels backwards away from the transformed. Helen’s having a real moment here. She almost starts to scream but Tarot grabs her and pulls her to the ground, shielding her with his body, as the rest of the bikers continue to circle around the fire.

Wait. Hold up. ONLY ONE BIKER TRANSFORMED? AND IT’S BEARDY?? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? [Wing: I guess he was the only one Helen bit. Or something?]

Welp. Beardy, er, Were!Beardy finally gets to his feet and flails his hands menacingly at the rest of the bikers, who step back from him. This is a real specific weird curse, then. And the werewolf face is not particularly good. Were!Beardy snaps and snarls at the others, who just stare. HELLO. A WEREWOLF IN YOUR MIDST. RUN AWAY NOW.

HOLY SHIT. HELEN ALSO HAS TRANSFORMED. WE HAVE A FEMALE WEREWOLF! (Cue Wing being totally ecstatic.). [Wing: KILL EVERYONE, WERE!ADAM AND WERE!EVEHELEN!] Were!Helen rises, snarling, and begins to chase after Blond Beard, who runs away in horror. Were!Beardy ignores the cries of his victim. Tarot, suddenly with stick in hand, keeps Were!Beardy at bay. Wouldn’t fire be a better choice than just a plain wooden stick? I DUNNO, MAYBE?

OH LOOK, THE STICK IS NOW ON FIRE. FAR MORE EFFECTIVE, ISN’T IT, TAROT.

I’m blatantly confused now. I can’t tell; did the marked bikers turn as well? It suddenly seems there’s more werewolves than before. Were!Beardy has killed at least one of his gang who didn’t turn. Tarot and another seem to be holding other werewolves at bay with stick and fire!stick. Man, the editing has gone to total shit and most of the shots are so dark you can’t tell what the hell is going on.

Now everyone seems to be getting the idea of TORCHES! One of the werewolves attacks a biker and the rest charge forward, beating it with the torches, setting its jacket on fire. Effective? The werewolf screams (and that was a hilarious sound effect, what the actual fuck was that made of? A bear and an elephant?) and flails about, its body on fire.

I still don’t know how many werewolves we’ve got. At least three?

The werewolf on fire finally goes down in the dirt and holy shit this is not a stuntman or if it is, it’s a really bad one. Good lord that’s a lot of fire. This is an extremely long sequence of rolling around in flames, into the burning fire, before the werewolf finally comes to a stop.

We get another EXTREME FLAMES CLOSEUP before what I am guessing is the wax figure appears again. [Wing: And an image of Helen in the bride costume or something.] Tarot sees it, were!Beardy sees it, I think were!Helen is hiding behind the bikes as the rest of the bikers keep were!Beardy contained with fire sticks.

Somebody just rode off on a bike. Was it were!Helen? Everyone else runs for their bikes, it’s quite the commotion. I wish I could fucking see what was going on but hell if I know. We’ve hit the penultimate climax with four minutes to go and I cannot see for shit. Ugh.

Now we’re attempting to ride our bikes while carrying flaming torches. SAFETY THIRD, EVERYBODY!

Can you see anything, Wing? Because I sure as fuck cannot. [Wing: Not really, not even in this clearer version.] I know there’s bikes and torches and that’s about it. I have zero idea who is being chased. Oh, wait, that backlit shot makes me think it is indeed were!Beardy, because Tarot is hot on his tail, literally. What happened to were!Helen??

Okay a bike just flew through the air after it was jumped off… something… and landed and exploded. And were!Beardy looks to be down and burning. Oh dear. RIP, I guess?

MORE EXTREME FLAMES CLOSEUP. Oh, the Santanic cross… thing… is being held aloft by unseen hands. Tarot and the surviving bikers march into what I am assuming is the Satanic chapel and the One is there. Now I am kind of wondering if we didn’t see his face earlier? It’s all covered in soot and I swear there was someone amongst the bikers who looked like that. Damn it.

The bikers are armed with sticks and crowbars or something metal that’s rod-shaped. Every time the One turns on them, they drop their weapons and fall down. That’s bad. Maybe that damn magic circle is finally working? [Wing: I think each time they see their own face beneath the hood.] Well at least three bikers have gone down, and now the incense censor is back and the One is dipping bread into the golden chalice. A woman in a white gown stands, hands raised, as the blood-soaked bread is offered to Tarot, who is on his knees. Uh oh. He tears off a bite and chews.

Helen is in the wedding dress, her face black with soot (or fur? Is it fur?) and she stares off into the distance. “We, who are One, with the Prince of Darkness, welcome you.” The One intones. Cue shot of flames all close up as Helen stands behind them. [Wing: Really expected to see blood at her lower stomach in that shot.] FADE INTO WEIRD OVERLAY OF FLAMES OVER SHOT OF THE BIKERS RIDING THE DESERT HIGHWAY AS THE CREDITS ROLL.

Final Thoughts

I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t this.

What an ending. Like, I’m used to the “happy” ending, I suppose, where everything is solved and the monster is defeated at the end. This… was not that. As far as I can understand, which is difficult to make out when the screen is almost solid black except for a lighted torch, the bikers killed Beardy/Adam in werewolf form and somehow ended up back at the Satanic chapel, where the rest of the bikers were felled or compelled not to fight. Then Tarot was inducted into a pact with the Devil or Satan or whatever after eating the blood-soaked bread and Helen was the catalyst for this? Fuck. Maybe you have a different interpretation, Wing?

[Wing: I think the bikers were the satanic monks all along. Or something. The endless circle of the One? I have no idea. Helen as the sexual threat, the sexual predator the moment she is infected. The dudes have been the sexual predators until that moment, and remain that way with the other women, but Helen is outside that now. Power turns her monstrous. Men turn her monstrous.] [bat: Huh. It didn’t even occur to me that, yes, they may actually be the monks after all. That’s quite fascinating. And also Helen, the mother of monsters. We may be giving this movie too much credit, though.]

At this point, I dunno. It’s one of those films where it kind of has to sit with you for a bit to get a full feel for what you just sat through. There were some definite bits of interest in this for me; a female werewolf, the curse marks on the bikers’ faces, I love a good desert and sand dunes. For what it is and how it was made, clearly it is what it is. You can’t fix it or make it what it can’t be. There’s a thousand things that could change to make it a “better” film but that changes the beast and that’s not what needs to be done in this case. [bat: From the future – it’s been a couple of days now, since I finished the recap – I can honestly say I have not really thought about this film since then. Guess it didn’t make much of an impact on me.]

I’m not really sure they were werewolves on wheels. We got that, literally, at the end, but I dunno. A bit misleading in a way. It’s all very interesting as a premise but fuck, it felt more improv than a full-fledged scripted film.

Is it an interesting entry into Snark at the Moon!? Yes, yes it is. I certainly would never have sought this out on my own nor showed interest if I wasn’t trying to find werewolf-centric films. Will we continue to find weird and/or obscure films like this for recaps? Probably.

[Wing: This was so fucking weird and yet in a very different way than Fury of the Wolfman and Walpurgis Night were. Weird cult again and strange, often poor werewolf effects, weird cuts, prolonged travel scenes, and homoeroticism all over the place, but a very different feeling.

I liked it, but I can’t decide if I liked it because it’s entertaining + bad or so bad it becomes fun. There’s a difference, even if I can’t quite put it into words.

Excellent addition to Snark at the Moon! I look forward to what bat finds next year.]

And on that note, we’ll see you again next year for 2024’s round of SNARK AT THE MOON!